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Buffy - a Few Good Slayers - Ongoing Text

I learned more from my students than I have from my teachers.

Abstract

The Demonic underworld is held under tight control in a forked version of the Buffy universe where the Scooby Gang all ended up happier and more powerful, and men and women have equal opportunities when it comes to fighting Demons. A new class of tenth grade (sophomore) students start the three year demon fighting program in the scholastic year of 2014/2015 in Sunnydale High School, while the older Scooby Gang, who are their teachers and mentors, have to deal with the usual set of problems that come with being teachers, parents, spouses and adults.

Buffy: a Few Good Slayers

About this screenplay

[ Buffy: a Few Good Slayers

Tagline: I learned more from my students than I have from my teachers.

Note: This screenplay was written by Shlomi Fish, and is original artwork. ]

[ Abstract: after Faith turns out to have been a benevolent slayer after all, and prevented the Mayor’s ascension in the last minute, She joins forces with Buffy and the Scooby Gang, as an equal co-slayer.

In September 2014 when the story begins, there are male and female slayers, witches, and watchers, and Sunnydale was transformed into the Mecca of the demon-fighting world with the Scooby Gang now teaching many classes of demon fighters. They are also almost all happily married and have young children.

The future looks bright for the demon fighting world as Rebecca “Becky” Shepherd, a slayer wannabe in the 10th grade as well as Chankey Rajeesh (an Englishman of Indian descent, with photographic memory, who wishes to become a watcher) and Cliff Farrel (an all-American, extremely athletic, warlock/witch-wannabe) become a team, and start studying. ]

[ This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2014 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution Noncommercial Share-Alike 3.0 Unported Licence (CC-by-nc-sa) (or at your option - any later version). ]

Orientation Day

Orientation Day - Becoming a team

[ Text on the screen: Sunnydale High School Orientation Day ; Sunnydale ; California

First few chords of Miley Cyrus’ “Party In The U.S.A”. Rebecca “Becky” Shepherd is shown walking in the high school lobby listening to the song playing from her smartphone that is tucked on her belt. She is wearing a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic shirt, and has a name tag that reads "Rebecca Shepherd (Slayer)". ]

Cliff: Yo, Brony girl, stop!

Becky: Hey, sorry for not paying attention [she pauses the music]. What’s up?

Cliff: Chankey here [points at Chankey] and I are looking for a slayer to complete our team. You don’t seem exactly like slayer-material, but since all the other slayers we talked with were taken, I guess we should settle on you.

[ Becky smiles. ]

Becky: Sure, I’d love to be team with you. Let’s register.

[ She uses her smartphone to register. ]

Becky: OK, done.

Chankey: [in an English accent] Smashing!

Becky: Chankey, is it? Are you British?

Chankey: Yes, Miss Shepherd.

Becky: “Becky” please.

Chankey: Yes, well, I am of Indian descent and carry an Indian name. I have photographic memory, and did extremely well in my studies. I was supposed to start studying in Harrow School (the notorious public school, or what you Americans will call a “private school”) because I had many friends there, but then became aware of some demonic activity in Greater London, and was indoctrinated as a watcher-wannabe here.

Chankey: I don’t have any friends here.

Becky: [Grabbing his hand.] I’m sure you’ll make some.

Chankey: Yes.

Chankey: So what about you? What’s your story?

Becky: Well, I grew up and lived in Charlotte, North Carolina (great town!). My mother’s Jewish and I’m kind of a spoiled Jewish American Princess.

Cliff: Heh, like Princess Vespa in Spaceballs?

Becky: Oh, I love this film, and I love the way she undergoes a Catharsis.

Becky: Anyway, school was pretty easy for me, and I already finished high school Math and expected to start studying Mathematics in a local university next year, when a friend of mine and I ran into a vampire while walking in downtown Charlotte. He was downright scary, but I tried to be as calm as possible and ran with my friend into a large diner, where I explained everything. Luckily for us there were a male slayer and his female watcher there - a couple.

Becky: They took care of the vampire, and after that when we got talking, they told me that they thought I had a great potential to become a slayer, and I ended up here.

Chankey: Smashing!

Cliff: OK, OK, God works in mysterious ways - making a brony girl / Miley Cyrus aficionado into a slayer [cut to Becky, she is smiling and saying “heh”] and making me, who has practised Martial Arts for years, and is incredibly athletic (“Buff-y-ed”, heh!) into a freaking warlock.

Cliff: Anyway, my name is Cliff Farrel, I’m from coastal Florida, and I got introduced to casting spells by a few local sorcerers and witches. I was good at it, and they told me I should enrol here and I did. So now I’m getting to be bossed around by Miss “I’m a J.A.P. and I’m proud of it” Brony Girl here.

Becky: Listen, for your information, I did some martial arts over in Israel, when I visited it this summer, and I was told I was pretty good at it, but more importantly - there’s more to being a good slayer than senselessly kicking vampires’ ass.

Giles’ Speech

[ Giles is testing the microphone. ]

Giles: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb… OK, nice.

Giles: All 10th grade students pay attention here. This is Prof. Rupert Giles and I’m the principal of Sunnydale High School, which as you know specialises in training slayers, watchers and warlocks-slash-witches to help battle the world infestation of demons.

Giles: Let’s start with a brief history of this school:

Giles: Buffy Anne Summers and her mother moved to Sunnydale at 1997 and she quickly found herself fighting Demons again when being in the 10th grade. Buffy gathered a small group of friends, who helped her fighting demons called the Scooby Gang.

Giles: During the Scooby Gang’s senior year, a young (three years the Scooby Gang’s junior) and insurgent slayer called Faith Lehane comes to Sunnydale, having been an orphan most of her life, and growing on the streets. At first, it seems that she has gone to “the dark side of the force” to quote Buffy, but she ends up preventing the mayor’s ascension in the last minute and saving the day.

Giles: Faith is adopted by a local couple, starts studying as a 10th grader in the high school, and joins forces with Buffy as a co-slayer. She maintains a relationship with Mr. Alexander “Xander” Harris that grows from being primarily sexual, to friendship, to deep love, and they remain faithful to each other to this very day. Pun not intended.

Giles: With the encouragement of Buffy and Faith, Xander becomes more confident, and eventually makes history by becoming the world’s first known male slayer, paving the road to future male slayers.

Giles: Meanwhile, Buffy and her long term friend and loved one, Angel are able to convince the Gypsies who restored his soul to use an even more powerful spell to convert him back into a human. Angel becomes a slayer as well, and he and Buffy get married and have children.

Giles: In a similar fashion, Willow Rosenberg ( now Dr. Willow Rosenberg, Ph.D) is able to cure her boyfriend Daniel “Oz” Osbourne) out of his werewolfness, he becomes a fellow warlock as well, and the two marry and have some children. Dr. Rosenberg and Dr. Osbourne are both among the most powerful known wizards in the world today, so you should stay on their good side.

Giles: Not that they abuse their magic. At least not often.

Giles: I myself have married Buffy’s mother, who isn’t a qualified demon fighter, but nevertheless extremely helpful and instrumental to the Scooby Gang.

Giles: In the meanwhile, Principal Snyder retired, passed the baton to me, and decided to run for mayor of Sunnydale. He ended up losing the election at first with a large margin, but didn’t give up and instead offered the newly elected mayor to help him as much as he could. Snyder proved to be extremely helpful and insightful, and in the second term, the previous Mayor didn’t run again, and instead supported Mr. Snyder election, who won it by a large margin, and is still Sunnydale’s mayor, and a good friend and supporter of the Scooby gang’s new role as educators and protectors of Sunnydale, and the world at large.

Giles: What all this shows, is like this fine lady [showing Princess Celestia on the screen and some laughter and enthusiastic claps from the audience] would say: the real magic is in friendship.

Giles: Fast forward to the present, Sunnydale High School has become the Mecca for training slayers, warlocks and witches, and watchers. We now have a lot of competition (and some very good one I might add), and it’s hard to stay on top, but we know better than to ever rest on our laurels. We accept students from all over the world, and it’s a big melting pot of cultures, ideas, and knowledge.

Giles: The so-called “Web 2.0” revolution did not skip the world of slaying, and there are now many blogs, wikis, microblogs, forums, chatrooms, and other online Internet resources about all that. While it’s really exciting, note, however that you should be extremely careful: one small mispronunciation on a spell can kill you or curse you for a long time, which would be much harder, if not damn right impossible, to revert. Always research your sources, and make sure that you are safe.

Giles: There’s a lot of pseudo-Mystical junk masquerading in today’s world, so don’t expect the worlds of Harry Potter, the Discworld, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, or even My Little Pony to be 100% accurate. As interesting, enlightening, and insightful they are, they must be taken with a huge grain of salt.

Giles: Thanks to the growing number of demon-fighters, the demon world has been kept largely at bay for years. However, we try to get ready for a big demonic calamity, if and when it will happen. Like the Scouts always say: “Be Prepared”.

[ Giles drinks some water from his glass. ]

Giles: You have been split into teams of three, which consist of a slayer, a watchers, and a warlocks or witch. You should know what your responsibilities are.

Giles: You can pick up the necessary classes from three different times in your curriculum. We have midterm and final tests but no homework. [Cheers from the crowd] Once you finish your classes for the day, you are free to do as you please.

Giles: We are also not a vocational school and teach you the proper scholastic subjects. We are also always open to hear our students’ criticism or question.

Giles: I should also note that while we hope you learn a lot from us, then to paraphrase on what Rabbi Hanina said in the Talmud, we will learn much more from you.

Giles: Finally note that although you have a lot of responsibility, slaying is fun and rewarding, so make sure you enjoy it. Your Twelfth-grade mentors will come to guide you shortly.

[ Claps and cheers from the audience. ]

The 12th grade mentors.

[ The 12th grade mentors - Roger (Slayer), Abigail (Witch), and Ronnie (Watcher) arrive. ]

Roger: what's up, losers? We’ll be your mentors for your first year here in Sunnydale High. I’m Roger and I’m a slayer.

Abigail: I’m Abigail and I’m a witch.

Ronnie: Ronnie, watcher.

Becky: Nice to meet the three of you, I’m Becky, Slayer wannabe.

[ They all shake hands. ]

Becky In The Library

The Librarian

[ Becky enters the new library of Sunnydale High School. It’s large. The song “Everytime We Touch” by Cascada is playing in the background and people are making other light noises. Becky approaches the librarian, Ms. Chu, who has Oriental looks. ]

Becky: Hi, I would have expected a library to be more quiet than that.

Ms. Chu: Yes, but we realised that such sterility is not good for creativity or for one’s self-esteem. This song actually was a good catalyst for rethinking our strategy.

Ms. Chu: Anyway, my name is Diane Chu, and I’m the librarian here. I’m also a qualified watcher.

Becky: Nice to meet you: I am Becky Shepherd.

Ms. Chu: Nice to meet you. [They shake hands] I think your two team mates are over there.

Becky: Why, thank you! I’m going to join them.

Chit Chat

Becky: Hi Chankey, Cliff.

Chankey: Hello, Becky. You were right, I have made many friends.

[ Samantha, who is a good looking white girl, approaches Chankey. ]

Samantha: Oh, Chankey, there you are! I had a great time tonight. [She kisses him on the cheek.] We’ll schedule another date using instant messaging, K? See you!

[ She leaves. ]

Becky: Ooh... watch it, Mr. Watcher!

[ Cliff hits him with his fist. ]

Chankey: Heh, tell me about it. What is it about women and Indian men?

Cliff: What is it about women and all exotic men? Or non-exotic ones! Girls here hit on me like crazy, and I’ve had lots of dates.

Becky: Men do that too, by the way. Like… in Israel, lots of men asked my female friends and I — where some of them were kinda big, not athletic looking and not very beautiful — on dates, or hit on us in the typical Israeli “smooth” way.

Becky: That’s not all, but I talked with some female Jewish divorcees, and they told me that many religious married Jewish asked them if they are interested to have an affair with them.

Cliff: What? Such an affair? How is this…

Becky: Kosher? It is for married men based on the Jewish Law. Not for women though.

Cliff: Heh, double standards.

Becky: Well, that’s Judaism for you.

Becky: Anyway, Orthodox religious Jews are attracted to ethnic Jewesses (like me) like flies are attracted to a piece of meat, because we don’t have to observe for them to have Jewish children. I had many awesome dates with Yeshivah pupils.

Cliff: That’s great, Brony girl.

Chankey: Cliff, her name is “Becky”.

Becky: That’s quite alright. I like being called “Brony girl”. It makes me feel special.

Becky: So, Cliff [she flicks her hair], what did you do this summer?

Cliff: Oh, I spent this time in southern California, doing martial arts, witchcraft and hanging around with friends and celebrities.

Becky: Celebrities? Really?!! Which ones?

Cliff: You name it - I met Chuck Norris for example and fought against him.

Becky: You met Chuck Norris? That’s so great! How’s he like? And who won?

Cliff: Oh, he’s great! Keeps saying various aphorisms that I can never tell if they are from the Bible or not, but, ye know, he’s just being himself.

Cliff: And he takes losing (like with me - I won two rounds out of three) amazingly well. Says that he can learn more from a lost fight than from a fight he’s won.

Becky: Awesome!

Becky: Anyway, you probably know that Summer Glau pawns Chuck. She doesn’t have to hurt you if she doesn’t want to, while Norris kills everyone in sight. It also takes her a minute to write a rebuttal for a bad blog comment like in xkcd: “Venting”, and she would sign it as him.

[ Chankey bursts out laughing. Cliff and Becky join him. ]

Cliff: Well, I actually met her a few times including in a fight tournament where she lost one of the first few rounds. She’s a good fighter, but not that good. Then she saw me fighting, and asked me if we can fight.

Becky: Summer Glau asked you to fight her? Get out! I’m not worthy… I’m not worthy… I’m not worthy… Cliff, you’re a freaking wizard!

Cliff: I’m a freaking witch! Anyway, I won all three rounds and she told me it was a good fight.

With Buffy

Becky: Of course, everyone knows that Buffy is better than Chuck [Buffy Facts]. He’s been secretly fighting against her, and so far lost each of those battles.

Cliff: Yeah, and her gaze can turn Medusa into stone!

Chankey: Buffy Summers is not afraid of demons. Demons are afraid of her, and for a very good reason.

Buffy’s voice: Buffy Summers is always there when people are spreading untrue hyperboles about her.

Cliff: Oh, hello Ms. Summers.

[ Buffy approaches them from a different aisle in the library. ]

Buffy: Hello, kids.

Cliff: By the way, what is your post-marriage name?

Buffy: It’s “Summers”. Angel and I are both called that. He didn’t find his original family name usable in this day and age, so he adopted mine. His original name was very aristocratic, and he is actually a direct male descendent of Charlemagne.

Becky: Ooh… so you are now Milady de Summers? Awesome!

Buffy: Heh, well, it is Faith that has an unnatural obsession with Milady de-Winter — not me.

Buffy: In any case, for your information, I fought against Chuck Norris several times and lost all the battles. In fact, that was part of the catalyst that made us realise that slayers were only humans and that men can be equally as capable slayers as women. You will hopefully get a chance to meet and even fight against Mr. Norris sometime throughout the school year.

Becky: I see. So, Ms. Summers, what are you doing here in the library?

Buffy: I’m looking for a book I misplaced.

Becky: About slaying?

Buffy: No, about cooking. A cookbook from the late 60s with a nice spinach, Broccoli and cheese casserole.

Becky: [Types a few things on the keyboard.] Ms. Summers, I was able to find a recipe for a casserole like that from that era.

Buffy: Let me see. [Looks] Wow! Looks great. Becky, you've got a lot of potential as a slayer.

Becky: Why, thank you!

Cliff: Bleh! [He puts his head in his hands.]

Fixing Buffy’s Friend on Dates

[ Buffy, Faith, and Willow, are sitting at a restaurant outside, eating and chatting. ]

Willow: So, do you think I should get a dog?

Buffy: Oh, my friend, Rachel, that software developer chick who moved here, told me that ever since she bought a dog, she made so many friends and lots of guys showed interest in her, and she’s been telling me about her exploits with them endlessly.

Willow: So she has become a slut? So cool!

Faith: Hey! “Slut” is such a 90s term. The new name for that is “polyamorous”!

Buffy: Which just rolls off the tongue.

Buffy: Heh, to be frank, I don’t think she, ahem…

Faith: Reaches fourth base?

Buffy: Exactly! With most of them.

Willow: Maybe she still haven’t found the right man. You know, someone they’ll both be almost worthy of each other.

Buffy: maybe!

Willow: Oh, I know. One of my students in the university… he’s a brilliant software developer, and is really knowledgeable. I can tell him to contact this friend of yours.

Willow: Oh, oh! My cousin’s son: Noam. He just finished his Israeli military service, and wants to come to work here in Sunnydale.

Buffy: So, like… Israeli… Jewish…

Willow: Dark complexion… short black hair… and really good looking and intelligent.

Faith: Yeah, Mama! OK, Buffy, I won’t forgive you if you don’t fix them on a date.

Buffy: You won’t have to forgive me, because I’ll do it.

Buffy: I’m so glad we’re not one of those married-plus couples that don’t know any single people.

Faith: yeah!

[ A young man (Daniel) approaches the girls, and asks, ]

Daniel: Hello ladies, may I join you?

Buffy: Well, we’re having a girls’ talk, but… sure! Let me introduce myself: I’m Buffy Summers - I’m a teacher at Sunnydale High School.

Daniel: Wow! The vampire slayer? That’s so great! You’re in large part the reason I am here. I’m a big fan of yours. Of all of you.

Faith: And who might you be? [She bursts out laughing.]

Daniel: Oh sorry - I am Daniel, I’m new in town.

Buffy: Daniel… what do you say about me fixing you with a date with a very nice young and single lady I know. Her name is Rachel.

Daniel: Sure, that would be nice.

Identical Vampires Crisis

[ Cut to a large restaurant elsewhere in Sunnydale. A girl rushes and enters the restaurant. ]

Girl: Help! Vampires! Four identical ones! We need a slayer.

[ Martha is a black slayer in her 20s and her friend Jake, who is white, is a warlock. ]

Martha: We’ll handle it. [Rises up.]

Martha: Can you show us where they are?

[ They walk. ]

Martha: Jake, make sure to bind them using magical ropes and then I’ll deal with them.

[ They approach the vampires and Jake casts the spell. ]

Martha: What the fuck?

About Emma Watson dropping her phone into her soup

Daniel: You know, there’s this piece of information that I wish I could be made to forget, but cannot.

Willow: Really, which one?

Daniel: I saw a web news item the other day about Emma Watson having dropped her smartphone into her soup, and I don’t understand what the big deal is, but I cannot forget it.

Daniel: And I really love her.

Faith: Well, the thing is people think that since she could handle a wand in the Harry Potter films with 100% accuracy, then there’s no way she could be clumsy. But even us slayers can be clumsy sometimes. We’re only human.

Willow: And… real-life witches like me never use a wand.

Daniel: Heh, I understand now. [Sarcastically] Poor Emma, your smartphone got the soup treatment. Did it survive? How can you possibly sleep at night?!!

[ Buffy, Faith and Willow burst out laughing.

The slayers’ phones plays the same song. They are alarmed. ]

Faith: OK, sorry, Daniel, but we were called for an emergency.

Daniel: Hey, can I also come?

Buffy: I guess, but be careful, and stay close to us.

Buffy: OK, let’s walk through this portal that Willow here created.

[ They walk. ]

Examining the Duplicate Vampires

[ Buffy, Faith, Willow, and Daniel arrive at the place. Martha, Jake, Becky, Cliff, Chankey, Xander, Oz, Giles, etc. are already there. ]

Buffy: Hi all, so what seems to be the problem?

Buffy: Becky, What are your team and you doing here?

Becky: I’ve been monitoring the emergency feed using my smartphone, and I let my team know about it.

Buffy: Good job. You have a lot of potential.

Becky: Anyway, to business.

[ They observe 4 identical pseudo-vampire duplicates tied by magical chains. ]

Martha: 4 identical vampire thingies… this shit’s completely dope.

Willow: I cannot sense a psyche in any of them.

Faith: And they cannot be twins.

Xander: Maybe they were clones… or Star-Trek like duplicates!

Vampire Duplicate No. 1: We’re not duplicates… we are duplicates… we’re not.

Other Vampire Duplicates: Yes, no.

[ Buffy sighs. ]

Buffy: OK, Xandoosh, can you perform a search to find where such a duplicator is present?

Xander: Sure! Hey, Wil, can you use a spell for that?

Willow: Ah…yes. [She casts a spell and controls her smartphone to show a location in the digital maps’ service.]

Willow: OK, it’s here in Sunnydale.

[ Oz casts a spell to open a portal to it. ]

Oz: Coast’s clear.

Xander: OK, let’s go.

The Q Continuum’s Duplicator

[ The Scooby Gang and company are in a dark room with a large silverish-coloured door-frame-like device in it with the letter "Q" at the top using space-styled-font. ]

Buffy: Is this a duplicator?

Xander: Let's see [he goes to the back] - there are instructions here:

Xander: “Medium-sized duplicator. Product of the Q Continuum. Place item to duplicate, press the green ‘Duplicate button’ and specify the quantity. Press and hold the red ‘Duplicate organisms’ button to also duplicate organisms. Share and enjoy!”

Buffy: I see. Does anyone here have anything precious that we can try here?

Willow: Yeah, I have my wedding ring. It’s a golden diamond ring that is a family heritage. I don’t usually wear it, but I keep it in my pouch. Here [she places the ring at the side of the duplicator.]

[ Buffy presses the green button and the duplicator says: ]

Duplicator: How many copies?

Buffy: one hundred.

[ Nothing happens. ]

Xander: Buff, you forgot the magic word.

Buffy: [sighs] Please!

[ 100 rings identical to those of Willow appear in the other side. ]

Willow: wow!

Faith: I’m sure Mr. T will be happy from this.

Xander: Wow! That’s amazing. This thing is the best thing ever. We can use it to duplicate gold, or platinum or Iridium… or food!

Buffy: Or vampires, or other demons, or nuclear weapons!

Xander: All right, all right. We should hide it somewhere until we figure it out. I think I’ll give it to the people I know at the National Treasury, they can handle demons and other bad elements of society well enough.

Becky: How are we going to carry it there.

Xander: No problem here [he presses a button at the side while holding a side handle and the duplicator shrinks and Xander carries it].

Buffy: Excellent! Oz, please teleport Xander and yourself to the National Treasury and make sure this Q Continuum duplicator is going to be safe there. Get back here as soon as you two can.

Buffy: In the meanwhile, we need to do some research and damage assessment.

Talk with “rindolf” on IRC.

[ Becky, Xander, Cliff, and Chankey are all sitting next to their own computers talking on Freenode with “rindolf” (= Shlomi Fish) in a channel called “#sunnydale-slayers” ]

Becky: [on IRC] rindolf: thanks for agreeing to meet us here, I’m a big fan of a lot of the stuff on your homepage and elsewhere, but it seems we have a crisis on our hand, and we need to consult you.

Becky: First of all, your stories are fictional, right?

Rindolf: Indeed, but many elements or trends I describe in my stories have a tendency to materialise after a while in one form or another.

Rindolf: This is despite the fact that they may have appeared unrealistic to some people who read them at the time.

Becky: OK, there’s something we need to admit: The show Sarah the Vampire Slayer, actually has a huge grain of truth to it: there are actually real vampires and demons, and real witches and warlocks with powerful magic, and I am a slayer trainee.

Rindolf: Heh, sounds farfetched, but like Selina in Selina Mandrake, I guess I have no choice but to play along.

Becky: Yes, I guess. Anyway, thing is - we ran into a certain artefact from the Selinaverse world which you describe, namely a duplicator that is the property of the Q Continuum.

Rindolf: How strange.

Becky: Yes, and it was used to duplicate a real vampire into a large number of pseudo-vampires.

Rindolf: Wow! This seems like a huge crisis.

Buffy: It sure is.

Rindolf: Well, what do you suggest that we do? Is it my fault?

Buffy: No, it likely isn´t. Just stick in there.

Rindolf: It’s interesting that you say that Sarah the Vampire Slayer was partly ingrained in truth. I recall being so in love with Natalie Portman who was the Alpha Female during the haydays of Web 1.0, and a bit after that, despite her being underage.

Rindolf: On the other hand, her doing StVS on T.V. in 2002 sort-of terminated her reign as that, while giving way to Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, Miley Cyrus, Paris Hilton, and Jennifer Lawrence (♥!) in roughly that order.

Cliff: Oh, don’t get me started on Paris and Miley…

Rindolf: Anyway, these are my two favourite parts from the show:

Sarah the Vampire Slayer

Sarah the Vampire Slayer - Date with the Yeshivah Pupil

[ Sarah the Vampire Slayer featuring Natalie Portman as Sarah Anne Eisenman, an Ethnic, Reform, Jewish slayer.

Sarah is sitting in a restaurant on a date with Yaakov, a Yeshivah Pupil from a local Chabad Yeshivah. ]

Sarah: So how's life in the Yeshivah?

Yaakov: Oh, you know, studies, studies and studies.

Sarah: Yes, I know. I need to study as a slayer. And as a high school student as well.

Sarah: By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask: what’s the deal with the Messianic nature of Chabad?

Yaakov: Oh that. First of all, it’s a kinda small minority of us, and secondly it’s kinda rooted in the belief that at any time, every Jew must consider themselves the Messiah and behave accordingly, which will eventually bring the Jewish people and the world at large to salvation and prosperity.

Sarah: [Thinks for a moment] Hmmm… I can relate to it.

Sarah: Tell you what, though? I need to go to the bathroom now. You know: girl things.

Yaakov: Sure, I'll be here waiting for the food.

[ Sarah goes to the bathroom and notices a vampires’ couple getting ready for action. She rushes back to Yaakov. ]

Sarah: Hey, Yaakov. Listen, we have a crisis here and you need to act like the Messiah. Can you take your book of Tehilim and read from it when I tell you?

Yaakov: I guess! [He rises up and follows her.]

[ They go to meet the vampires. ]

Sarah: Now, Yaakov!

[ Yaakov starts reciting the Psalms. The vampires are terrified. Sarah slays them using a stake. ]

Sarah: Eat dust, bastards!

Yaakov: Wow! What was that?

Sarah: Vampires! I cannot believe I’ve had to put you through that on our first date.

Yaakov: That's OK… that’s OK… [scared] I can handle it.

Sarah: It’s over. It’s over. Come let’s return to our table.

[ She turns to face him. They look at each other for some seconds and then start to kiss one another and make out.

They do it for a while until a girl enters from the restaurant, and looks at them. ]

Restaurant Girl: Get a room!

[ Sarah and Yaakov smile and go on. ]

Sarah the Vampire Slayer - Not a Nobody

[ Sarah the Vampire Slayer featuring Natalie Portman as Sarah Anne Eisenman, an Ethnic, Reform, Jewish slayer. ]

Ken: [to Lily] Who are you?

Lily: I’m a nobody.

Ken: [to Sarah] And who are you?

Sarah: I’m Sarah Eisenman. A Jewish vampire slayer. And who are you?

Ken: …Bitch!

[ Sarah quickly pokes Ken’s eyes with two of her fingers, and kicks him in the crotch. He falls to the floor, while agonising in pain. ]

Sarah: Yeah, I’m a bitch alright. OK, let’s blow this joint.

[ She goes and Lily and the other follow. ]

Ken: Hold on, hold on. Well played, Ma’am and frankly, I am miserable here. I wish there was a way you could help me.

Sarah: Tell you what, Ken? Why not come to the diner, and I’ll pay for your food and drinks. I’ve been earning quite a lot of cash from tips. You can tell us stories from this dimension of evil of yours.

[ Cut to the diner, Ken is sitting there surrounded by many people who are listening to his stories. ]

Ken: So I told them: “Actually, I have always expected the Spanish Inquisition, and, on the other hand, they have never expected me.”

[ Many members of the audience laugh. Applause. ]

Sarah: Ken, would you like some more juice?

Ken: No, Sarah, that's OK, I’m stuffed. Anyway, I think I’ll return to my dimension of evil now - they will be clueless without me. Thanks for everything.

Sarah: You’re welcome!

[ She goes to the counter with Lily. ]

Lily: Wow, I earned so much money from tips today. I could totally see myself working here.

Sarah: Then why don’t you? I earned enough money working here anyway, and now I’d like to return home.

Lily: Wow, that’s great! Say, can I be Anne now?

Sarah: Lily Anne O’Connor? I guess.

Sarah: Hold it! The Hebrew equivalent of “Lily” is “Susan” or “Suzanne”, so you could be Lily Suzanne O’Connor.

Lily: Wow! Awesome.

[ Sarah and Lily hug. ]

Rindolf about Sarah the Vampire Slayer

Rindolf: Yes, one thing I liked is that the characters SaVS were both competent and able, and yet not socially or sexually inept, which I felt was a long-term false dichotomy. I feel it’s a shame that Joss Whedon and Nat Portman did not get an Emmy for that, even though they were nominated.

Rindolf: So how come it's based on your life?

Buffy: Well, I originally told Beni, an Israeli fellow who was one of the show’s creators (who was a really good initial student of us) about my life as a slayer, and that I have a feeling that I have an alter ego / kindred spirit called Sarah who is a liberal Jewish girl who was a major much coveted “Alpha Female” (as you put it) at the time. Crazy, right?

Rindolf: Heh, maybe. For what it’s worth, I don’t consider myself a sane person either.

Rindolf: Anyway, now the question is - if Sarah the Vampire Slayer was to be remade - who would play her? ;-)

Buffy: What about Natalie again?

Rindolf: Well, the way I see it, she already won the Oscar and is married-plus, so she’s kinda old school. But what about Jennifer Lawrence?

Cliff: I know! Megan Fox…♥!

Rindolf: Sounds good. Or maybe Summer Glau…

Cliff: Yes, I met all of them this summer. They are all great people.

Becky: And he fought Glau! And won!

Rindolf: Heh, sounds great.

Willow Putting Her Daughter to Bed

[ Willow is sitting next to the computer reading. She is kinda worried. ]

Deborah: [= Willow’s daughter, voice from the other room.] Mummy, can you come and read me a bed-time story?

[ Music: Darin: “B what U wanna B” (lyrics).

Willow enters the room. It is not too large, there are some dolls of My Little Pony, Sesame Street, Disney films, etc. but not too many. There's a computer in one corner, where Deborah is sitting. She is 6 years old. ]

Willow: Hi, sweetie.

Deborah: Hi, mummy. I’m watching Classical Sesame Street and Bert taught his pigeon to play checkers.

Willow: That's great, Deb. OK, are you ready to go to sleep?

Deborah: Yes, mum.

Willow: OK. [She gets her ready there.] Say, sweetie, do you know what my work is all about?

Deborah: Yes, you’re a professor of Computer Science at Sunnydale University, and also a teacher at the high school.

Willow: Well, yes, but do you know more than that?

Deborah: Actually, I do: you’re a witch! You help fight demons. And daddy’s a warlock!

Willow: Yes, Deborah, you are right. We tried to hide it from you, but I guess we should not have. We should have been more honest.

Deborah: That’s quite alright, mummy. See, my friend told me his father who is a Philosophy professor told him that honesty is an active process, and that we are always more dishonest in the past. I forgive you.

Deborah: Mum, will I be a witch?

Willow: Not if you don’t want to be.

Deborah: Great, because I want to be a [emulating a Scottish accent] postwoman when I grow up.

Willow: Really? That's great.

Deborah: Yeah, I've been helping Mr. Gillan who is our mailman a little, and he told me that I can help the mailmen after I turn 13. He’s a Scotsman from Inverness.

Willow: That’s really cool, princess.

Deborah: Yes, well, I think I’ll go to sleep without a story today.

Willow: OK, which doll do you want to sleep with tonight?

Deborah: I think I’ll have Fluttershy today.

Willow: [Brings the doll] Here you go.

Deborah: Thanks, mummy.

Willow: You're welcome, munchkin. Listen, as you know, I have powerful and real magic and I’ll do my best to make sure that no harm will ever come to you or to any of our friends or any other person in the world.

Deborah: Yes, mummy, I know.

Willow: Good night. [she turns off the light and kisses her on the forehead.]

Deborah: Night.

Faith reflects upon her childhood

[ Becky and Chankey are sitting in the library, studying together, and listening to Cimorelli - “When I’m gone” . Faith approaches them. ]

Faith: Hmm... hi kids! That doesn’t sound exactly like Anna Kendrick.

Faith: Whoa, who are all those girls?

Becky: Oh, they are Cimorelli - six sisters who sing together. They are a big hit on YouTube.

Faith: Six sisters!

Chankey: And they also have some brothers.

Faith: Heh, God bless their mother. After my third pregnancy (to twins) I said: “That’s it. No way, José!”.

Faith: I would think their being a big family is part of their charm.

Chankey: Yes, and the way I see it: all the power to them. See: I read 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea as a child, and I ended up memorising the English translation and now the French original, because I liked it so much.

Chankey: Anyway, Captain Nemo there, thinks he’s a nobody, which is what “Nemo” means in Latin, but he's not. Thing is: lots of people expressed interest in him due to his various unique qualities, and he kept thinking: “They are interested in tangential stuff, not in the real me. They don't know the real me.”

Chankey: And here's the thing: all these qualities are what make you who you are, and you should exploit them and be yourself.

Faith: Indeed!

Faith: Wish I had any sisters. Or brothers for that matter. But I was my mother's only child, and my poor excuse for a father was a U.S. Navy sailor who got drunk along with my mother, they had sex, and the bastard bought her breakfast the day later, gave her his contact details and left.

Faith: They told me it was the only time she ever had sex. [Faith starts crying.]

Faith: When I was 5, my mother was killed by some criminals who spared my life, and we agreed to pretend that I was also killed. So I grew up on the streets.

Faith: Then one day when I was 9, I took the bus to one of my city’s good neighbourhoods where I saw a young boy about my age about 90% the way out of a book.

[ Cut to the scene with the young faith and the young boy (= David). ]

Faith: Hey homeboy, so this book’s interesting?

David: Hi! Yes, it is.

Faith: [looks at the book] “The Three Musketeers” - think I’ve heard of it. So it’s good?

David: Yes, it’s great.

Faith: [snatches the book] That book’s mine, bitch!

David: Hey that’s OK - you can have it - I’ll just buy a new one. Bye!

Faith: [from the distance] See ya, homeboy.

Faith’s internal dialogue: It took me a day to finish reading the book. I could not put it down. The next day, I decided to return it to the boy.

Faith: Hey, bitch, here’s your book back.

David: Thank you…ahem…

Faith: Faith! My name’s "Faith".

David: Nice to meet you - I’m David. I didn’t buy a new book yet.

Faith: That’s good, I suppose. Oh, and they end up killing Milady de-Winter there.

David: Really? I positively love her, she’s amazing.

Faith: Agreed. Well, I’m off to my original hood. [She runs.]

David: Faith… wait!

Faith: Fare well, loser.

[ Cut to Faith in the Library. ]

Faith: So I Grew up in the streets, learned to slay vampires and other demons, and — had sex! Lots of lots of sex. I lost track of the number of guys I seduced, but I still remember each one.

Faith: Then I came to Sunnydale, pretended to be evil and ended up saving the day. I was then adopted by the O’Sullyvans here, but… but… it’s not the same.

Faith: There’s a big hole inside of me… of not having a proper, happy childhood…

Faith: I want my daddy! [Bursts out crying harder.]

[ Becky walks to her and hugs her.

After a while Faith calms down a little. ]

Faith: Oh, look at me: Faith, the fierce vampire slayer, crying like a baby! I’m so pathetic!

Xander: [From the background of the frame.] Crying does not make you weak. On the contrary - it’s one way of fighting.

Faith: Hey, honey! You remember Becky and Chankey.

Xander: That I do, Faithy [he hugs her].

[ Faith puts her head in Xander’s chest affectionately. ]

Becky: Faith, do you know what happened to that boy… David?

Faith: Yes, I do: he found me on the Internet, a few years back, and we touched base. He’s happily married plus children and is an expert for Internet marketing and e-Commerce. He came to visit me in Sunnydale, and brought his children with him, and mine got along very nicely with his.

Faith: He brought the copy of The Three Musketeers that I stole and returned, and asked me if I wanted it. I had my own book that I bought after I came to Sunnydale, but was excited to see the copy in question.

Faith: And finally, he also told me that at the time, his father had been in touch with some couples who were looking to adopt children my age, and they would have been able to find a couple that could have adopted me.

Becky: Oh! [She has tears in her eyes.]

Faith: Yes, well, that's all over now I guess.

Faith: Bye, kids.

Xander: Bye Becky, Chankey.

Becky and Chankey: Bye Mr. and Mrs. Harris!

[ They leave. ]

Summoning the benevolent spirit

[ Giles, Buffy, Faith, Willow, etc. are standing in a row. ]

Giles: [Reciting the summoning spell.] FILL IN.

[ A gateway opens and Sarah Michelle Gellar (“SMG”) wearing a T-shirt with a poster of the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a “#buffy” hash-tag and an @RealSMG Twitter ID, as well as shorts, steps through. ]

Giles, Willow: Buffy?

SMG: Nah! I’m Sarah Michelle Gellar. I’m the actress who played her.

Buffy: My… kindred… spirit! [She faints into Xander’s arms.]

SMG: OK, we have no time to lose. [Presses something on her smartphone.] OK, General, your men can come now. And bring a doctor for Buffy - she fainted.

[ After a short while, there are many noises in the distance of U.S. Army vehicles, soldiers, and helicopters, with muffled cries of “Hail Buffy!”. ]

The Battle with the Pseudo-Vampires

Killing the Pseudo-Vampires

[ General Thompson and his helpers have a command vehicle outside controlling the battle. ]

General Thompson: OK, men, prepare for phase 1. There are around one hundred thousand targets around. Deploy the robots, and be careful.

[ The soldiers deploy the robots who attack and kill the pseudo-vampires. ]

Pseudo-vampires: Let's go up.

Pseudo-vampires: Let's not go up.

Pseudo-vampires: Let's get down. [Gets killed by an arrow.]

Pseudo-vampires: Let's not get down. [Runs away.]

[ The pseudo vampires all went to the outside. ]

General Thompson: OK, now let's get them out of town. Prepare for Phase 2.

Voices from the radio: Affirmativative sir.

[ Buffy wakes up. ]

Buffy: Oh, ow, ow, ow. [Looks at SMG] Sarah! [Sees the command vehicle] What’s going on there?

SMG: Fourth division of the U.S. Army - received basic training in slaying, and now they are hopefully going to kick the ass of these pseudo-vampires.

Buffy: Really? I wasn’t that the U.S. Army trained in slaying?

Soldier: Yes, well, we can keep secrets better than you.

[ The soldiers are scaring the Pseudo-Vampires into the field outside Sunnydale, while still shouting “Hail Buffy”. ]

General Thompson: Excellent men, things are going according to plan. Now, deploy the helicopters for what is hopefully the last phase.

[ The Helicopters fly over the PVs and spread oil across. ]

Pseudo-vampires: om num num… olive oil.

Pseudo-vampires: Wait! It's a trap.

Pseudo-vampires: It’s not a trap.

[ A different helicopter approaches and a soldier lights a flare using a match and drops it on the Pseudo-Vampires. They cry as they become dust. ]

General Thompson: Well done, men. Mission accomplished.

A Fair Match

[ The soldier cheer and cry “Hail Buffy”. The helicopter arrives and the soldier who lit the flare approaches Buffy . ]

Helicopter soldier: Hail Buffy! Ms. Summers: I think we gave them a fair match.

[ He drops the match that was used to light the flare on Buffy’s open palm.

She picks up the match with her other hand and looks at it. It looks worn out and awful. ]

Buffy: Who says it’s fair?

[ Last Action Hero → Hamlet scene reference.

Buffy and everone laughs and throws away the match. ]

General Thompson: Hail Buffy! We have no casualties and the damage to the property is minimal.

Dealing with Bill

Buffy: Sounds good.

Buffy: Wait a second

Becky after the battle

Becky: OK, yeah! We saved Sunnydale and the world at large, we nearly got ourselves killed several times, now I think I’ll just go to my apartment, have a nice warm bath, and brag about that… hmmm… [she closes her eyes].

[ Roger rushes there and stops. ]

Roger: Hey Beck, you were great today!

Becky: [Opens her eyes wide] On second thought.

[ Becky turns to face Roger, runs to him and French kisses him for many seconds. There are many claps and whistles from the people around, and the Scooby Gangers either hug affectionately or shed tears. ]

Becky: [Lets go.] Ahmm… Prof. Giles, do you think that we could hold the prom after all… I really feel like I could use some dancing.

Giles: Well… we only have a week, so it’s going to be a tight schedule, but since the calamity has gone, then… sure! Why not?

Becky: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [She kisses Giles on the cheek.]

Buffy: You… you… Becky… I knew you have a lot of potential.

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