The Muppets’ Show (The Next Incarnation) With Summer Glau and Chuck Norris

About this screenplay

[ The Muppets’ Show (The Next Incarnation) With Summer Glau and Chuck Norris

Note: This screenplay was written by Shlomi Fish, and is original artwork. ]

[ Abstract: Chuck Norris (ChuckN) and Summer Glau (SGlau) are the guests of the Muppets’ Show as two ruthless Grammar Nazis who aim to unite Grammar Europe under the reign of the Grammar Third Reich. Also crossover of xkcd: “Venting” and Chuck Norris Facts. ]

[ This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2014 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by-nc-sa) (or at your option - any later version). ]

“Meet Chuck”

[ The Muppet Show Theatre backstage. Kermit and Fozzy are there.

ChuckN enters through the door. ]

Kermit: Oh hello, Mr. Norris. We’re so glad to have you here, and we would love to learn more about you.

ChuckN: Thank you, Kermit. You can learn more about me from my 500-page autobiography, which took me an hour to write, and from the comprehensive book of Factoids about me, of which I wrote every one.

Fozzy: Funny! Funny!

ChuckN: Indeed. Anyway, I invited a friend of mine, who is even crazier than I am, to join us.

Kermit: Really, who is this crazy guy?

ChuckN: Actually, it’s a crazy girl.

[ SGlau jumps from above the frame to the upper row and then down to where Kermit and Fozzy are standing. Applause. She is wearing a grey, military-style vest with a zipper at the front. ]

Kermit: Oh, nice to see you here, Ms. Glau.

SGlau: Shut up, Mr. Frog! I’m here on a mission from the Grammar God. Herr Norris and I are loyal servants of Grammar Nazism, which aims to unite Grammar Europe under the reign of the Third Grammar Reich.

ChuckN and SGlau: [in unison] Hail Grammar!

[ Miss Piggy is walking along the upper row with a fellow pig. ]

Miss Piggy: Well, I don’t think that Miss Mousy is prettier than me.

[ A shot sounds and Miss Piggy's hat is blown away. Cut to SGlau, who is holding a gun in her left hand. ]

SGlau: That was a warning shot, Fräulein Piggy. For your information, it should be “is prettier than I”.

ChuckN and SGlau: [in unison] Hail Grammar!

SGlau: Let’s go.

SGlau: By the way, herr Frog: it is not that hard to be green.

[ They go out of the frame. ]

Kermit: Meep. I have a bad feeling about all that.

Kicking ass Grammar Nazi Style

[ Congregation of evil muppets (including the Moopets) with Grammar Nazi uniforms. SGlau and ChuckN are on the stage.

SGlau fires a gun in the air. The room falls silent. ]

SGlau: Hail Grammar!

[ The Grammar Nazi muppets respond. ]

SGlau: Grammar Europe is quickly being conquered by the forces of the noble Grammar Nazism.

SGlau: Together we have punished all the miserable souls who have used the despicable neologism “a software” instead of “a program” or “a software application”.

[ "Hail Grammar" from the audience. ]

SGlau: Now, Herr Norris and I shall demonstrate how to further kick ass Grammar Nazi style.

[ SGlau pulls two guns and ChuckN holds two micro-Uzis. ]

SGlau: Observe.

[ Sudden quick shots as someone shoots all the guns out of SGlau and ChuckN's hands and those of the rest of the Grammar Nazi muppets. ]

SGlau: What the hell?

[ Shows Lucky Luke from his back. ]

Lucky Luke: Change of plans, Miss Glau [chews some gum.]

SGlau: And who might you be, Herr…

Lucky Luke: Luke, Ma'am! Lucky Luke. I'm the Grammar Reichsfuhrer personal henchman.

SGlau: [startled] Hail Grammar!

[ Everyone joins. ]

Lucky Luke: Indeed. There is a change of plans so they sent me here.

Lucky Luke: Miss Glau, Mr. Norris and you must travel undercover to the evil State of California, where you will start the startup “Venting is us.” to battle the growing infestation of bad grammar on social Internet media. You will receive funding from the Grammar Nazi Gestapo.

Lucky Luke: Is that clear?

SGlau: Of course, we’ll do anything for the noble Grammar Reich!

SGlau: Hail Grammar!

[ Applause. Cut. ]

“Can’t touch her [Stop! Summer Time]”

M.C. Summer: You can't touch her,
You can't touch her,
You can't touch her,
You can't touch her,
You can't touch her!

M.C. Summer: Her, her, her looks hit me so hard,
Makes me say “Oh, my Lord”
T‎‎hank you for blessing me
With a mind to see and two good eyes.

M.C. Summer: She'll make you feel good, when you know you're down
Any man on the planet will lose his frown,
And she is known as such,
and this is a girl, uh, you just can't touch.

M.C. Summer: I told you, homeboy
(You can't touch her)
Yeah, that's how we living and you know
(You can't touch her)

M.C. Summer: Look through my eyes, man
(You can't touch her)
Yo, let me lust the funky hair
(You can't touch her)

M.C. Summer: Roundhouse kicks, advance
You gotta like that, now, you know you wanna dance
So move, outta your seat
That fly girl will make you catch this beat

M.C. Summer: While it's rolling', hold on
Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's going' on
Like that, like that

M.C. Summer: Cold on a mission so fall them back
Let 'em know, that you're too much
And this is a beat, uh, they can't touch

M.C. Summer: Yo, I told you (You can't touch this)
Why you standing' there, man? (You can't touch this)
Yo, sound the bell, school is in, sucker (You can't touch this)

M.C. Summer: Give me a song or rhythm
Making' 'em sweat, that's what I'm giving' 'em
Now, they know
You talkin’ about Summer, you talking' about a show

M.C. Summer: That's hype and tight
Singers are sweating' so pass them a wipe
Or a tape, to learn
What's it gonna take in the nineties to burn

M.C. Summer: The charts? Legit
If you work hard well you might as well quit
That's word because you know
You can't touch this, you can't touch this

M.C. Summer: Break it down
Stop, Summer time

M.C. Summer: Go with the funk, it is said
If you can't groove to this
Then you probably are dead

M.C. Summer: So wave your hands in the air
Bust a few moves
Run your fingers through your hair

M.C. Summer: This is it, for a winner
Dance to this and you're gonna get thinner
Move, slide your rump
Just for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump

M.C. Summer: Yeah (You can't touch this)
Look, man (You can't touch this)

M.C. Summer: You better get hype, boy
Because you know you can't (You can't touch this)
Ring the bell, school's back in

M.C. Summer: Break it down
Stop! Summer time

M.C. Summer: You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this

M.C. Summer: Break it down
Stop, Summer time

M.C. Summer: Every time you see me
Summer's just so alive
I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mic

M.C. Summer: Now why would I ever stop doing this?
With others making' records that just don't hit
I've toured around the world, from London to Dubai
It's "Summer, go Summer, yo, Summer, yo, yo, yo"
And the rest can go and play

M.C. Summer: You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this

M.C. Summer: Yeah, you can't touch this
I told you, you can't touch this
Too hype, can't touch this
Get way outta here, you can't touch this

“Venting Is Us.”

[ A modern tech office whose door says: “Venting is Us.” with a large version of xkcd: “Venting”. ChuckN and SGlau are sitting inside. ]

ChuckN: OK, Summer, I finished writing another rebuttal, as whom should I sign it?

SGlau: How about as Rory Gilmore?

ChuckN: Sounds good. You can sign yours as Jennifer Love Hewitt.

SGlau: Cool.

[ A few muppets who look like Mafios storm in. ]

Head Mafio: Are you Summer Glau and Chuck Norris?

SGlau and ChuckN: [Startled] Yes, we are.

Head Mafio: Well, I am seeking vengeance on a blog comment the two of you wrote and signed as Tiffany Alvord, so we are going to wack up this office.

Head Mafio: No, using these machine guns! [Mafio muppets showing their machine guns.]

[ ChuckN and SGlau quickly raise their hands. ]

SGlau: Ahem... may I consult with Chuck for a moment or two?

Head Mafio: Yes, I suppose.

SGlau: [Whispering to Chuck] What do we do now?

ChuckN: I don’t know, I don’t have a gun here.

SGlau: Well, it’s not exactly Texas.

ChuckN: Maybe we should surrender?

SGlau: We can apologise… [thinking] wait!

SGlau: [To the Mafios] Listen, we apologise for attributing all these rebuttals to these good people. Anyway, what do you say of us becoming “Don’t be venting - be perfecting” and help people to write essays and articles in proper and correct English?

Head Mafio: [ He has tears in his eyes. ] Sounds very honourable, Ms. Glau. Alright, we’ll give you two another chance.

ChuckN: Yay!

[ Cut to the new office with a new sign of “Don’t be venting - be perfecting.” ]

ChuckN: Finally, note that I find that the Saxon Genitive will be preferable there.

Mikhael: [ Russian-sounding Voice from the Internet ] Thank you Mr. Norris. I’ll be forever grateful to you two.

SGlau: You’re welcome, Mikhael. We will appreciate some publicity in social media outlets, and a monetary payment, but we really love helping people like you.

Mikhael: Sure, I’ll do all that.

SGlau and ChuckN: Bye! See you!

Mikhael: Good bye.

SGlau: Hmmm… I think we are actually making a profit from all that.

Head Mafio: OK, it seems you two have become benevolent pillars of society, so not only will we let you go, but we will offer you protection.

SGlau: Really? For how much?

Head Mafio: At half-the-price today: 5,000 virtual love points.

SGlau: Tell you what? We can give you a million real love points. [She does a heart with her hands.]

Head Mafio: Offer accepted. Now I need to prepare for my niece’s birthday party - she is going to be 10 years old. You two are also invited.

ChuckN: Why, thank you!

SGlau: Yes, we may actually drop by.

[ TODO: Add:

1. "You can't touch her"/"Stop! Summer time!" by M.C. Summer (M.C. Hammer’s “You can't touch this (Stop! Hammer Time!)” parody).

2. “Carpe diem” song at the end - Caitlin Hart’s “7 minutes”. ]

Having some fun with company.

[ Kermit, ChuckN and SGlau are sitting together. ]

Kermit: So, Mr. Norris, Ms. Glau, I admit things turned out better than expected eventually.

ChuckN: Yes, Kermit, they did. The Grammar Nazis are now the good guys.

Kermit: Yes, I can see that. So what are you planning to do next?

SGlau: Well, Chuck and I think of having some clean good fun with the company of our friends. Wanna join us, Kermit?

Kermit: Sure, the muppets and I would love to.

SGlau: Excellent. Hit it, Animal.

[ Animal starts playing the drums and shouts “Carpe Diem!”. SGlau opens her jacket’s zipper to reveal a T-shirt with the “Useless” xkcd comic and they all start singing “7 Minutes” by Caitlin Hart, along with Hart, the Mafios, Lucky Luke, the Grammar Nazis, the Head Mafio’s niece and her friends. ]