[
An illustrated screenplay about what happened to the author of the scroll of
Ecclesiastes/Qoheleth
shortly after writing it.
]
[This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2014 and is
made available under the
Creative Commons
Attribution Noncommercial Share-Alike 3.0 Unported Licence (CC-by-nc-sa)
(or at your option - any later version).]
[
"Is" in Aramaic resembles "jehovah" a lot there.
Because "yihiyeh" is present/future.
Some people thought that jehovah meant "He who is/will be"
or "what is/will be".
]
[Black screen. Initial Credits.]
[ Text on the screen: Damascus, circa 300 B.C. ]
Voice of Jacob: So, who the hell is Qoheleth?
[Showing Josephus.]
Josephus: I’m getting asked that a lot. It could be King Solomon - it
could be someone else.
Jacob: Yes, I see now. Anyway, as blasphemous as this Qoheleth thing of yours
is - it brought great appreciation to the Jews of this town. Respect!
[ Jacob hits Josephus on the shoulder - Josephus sways a little. ]
Josephus: Thank you! Anyway, do not take it too seriously - it’s just cheap
entertainment, as philosophy goes.
Jacob: Cheap or not, philosophy is big business, and who knows - it may
prove of utility one day.
[
Illustration:
Stand-up philosopher .
]
Josephus: Yes, maybe, and it’s definitely fun.
Jacob: Well, we’d better be going - was nice running into you.
[They part. Josephus’ Voice == Josephus’ Monologue. ]
Josephus’ Voice: So here it is. My name is Yoseph in Hebrew or Josephus in
Greek. I lived in Damascus my whole life, and received both Jewish and Greek
education. I’m still unmarried, virginal, and under constant pressure from my
family to marry a nice Jewish girl, and have children.
+++: I was a moderately successful and minor philosopher-wannabe,
which my merchant father looked down on as a pointless and unprofitable
profession.
+++: About a year ago, my good Greek friend’s brother, who is a
successful merchant as well, but who likes philosophy a lot, made a bet with
me that I could not write a good work of philosophy. I spent about a month
writing the scroll of Qoheleth, and after reciting it in Aramaic and Greek,
I got several standing ovations and people donated like crazy. Now it seems
that everyone had it memorised, and they think it’s awesome.
+++: Since then I got so much money that I’ve become too ashamed to collect
the bet money which is quite dwarfed by what I have now.
+++: That’s not the worst part.
[ Scene showing many attractive girls pointing at Josephus, smiling, giggling
and lusting him. ]
Josephus’ Voice: They all want me!
[ Josephus eyes three attractive Egyptian girls, pointing at him and
giggling. ]
Josephus’ Voice: Oh, great, Egyptians! Widely considered to be the most
desirable and beautiful girls. Stay strong, Josephus, act
nonchalantly - just ignore them.
[He passes by them only to hear one say
«A good name is better than good oil» (
Ecclesiastes 7:1
) in perfect Aramaic.]
Josephus: Oh! God help Me! [Out loud while trying to obscure his view.]
Egyptian Girl #1: Hey, Josephus?
Josephus: Yes?
Egyptian Girl #1: I'm sorry, we were just teasing you. You must get that a lot.
Josephus: Yes, I do.
Egyptian Girl #1: I can feel for you. Anyway, we loved your "Qoheleth" thing
and we memorised it all. It's awesome.
Josephus: Yes, most people say that.
Egyptian Girl #1: Listen my name is $NAME, I live in $LOCATION, and I'm still
unmarried. So, if you’re interested…
Josephus: Thanks for the offer, I’ll consider it.
Egyptian Girl #1: Thanks! My oldest brother is also infatuated with your
scroll, and I’m sure he’ll agree to the marriage.
Josephus: You know you’ll have to convert to Judaism?
Egyptian Girl #1: Yes, I’m cool with that.
Josephus: Thanks, I’ll consider it.
[Josephus leaves the scene encouraged, and later on is approached by a girl who
wears a hood, who requests that he follows her and tells him that she can pay
him generously for his time. He can see through the hood that her face is pale
and that she has sunburns. She takes him to a restaurant which is shaded,
and there are two other girls there: one blonde and the other with
red/orange coloured-hair. They are
Celts .
The other girl (Athena) pulls down her hood, and she is blonde as well.]
Athena: Hello Josephus, thanks for coming to meet us. We are three Celtic
girls from the village near the salt mine in the alps. We wanted to travel
all the way to Alexandria, but given our sunburns, I guess that’s not going
to happen.
+++: My Greek name is Athena. This is Selena, and Alexis. Will you care for
some wine or grape juice? Kosher of course, not that we’ll ever willingly
drink the non-kosher excuses for them again.
Josephus: Nice to meet you all. I wish there was something I could do to
prevent or fight these sun-burns of yours, but unfortunately, our
practice of medicine is not so advanced yet. In general, we believe you should
stay in the shade, and get plenty of fluids.
+++: From what I read about your people, you tend to be predominantly blond,
and I also notice that Selena is a redhead. Is it common there?
Athena: Oh, yes, quite common. From what we noticed, here it tends
to be extremely rare.
Josephus: Yes, King David was reportedly a
“Reddish and with
beautiful eyes” , which indicates that back when
that scripture was written, it was notable, but not unthinkable.
+++: Anyway, right now, I only have two Jewish redhead relatives: my cousins
- a boy and a girl.
Athena: And what happened to them?
Josephus: Oh, what happened to the girl cousin is a really interesting story.
See: there's this other girl - Greek, black hair, brown eyes, bronze skin -
actually she's the younger sister of the guy who challenged me to write the
scroll - and a very rebellious character. She’s been making a lot of
philosophers here angry with her offputting comments, and nearly got herself
killed or injured several times.
Selena: “Nearly”… “nearly” is the key word.
Josephus: Yes, possibly. Anyway, although certainly pretty, I’ve known far more
beautiful girls here, but, but… men go mad over her! She’s been courted by
princes and by some of the richest merchants, and… philosophers wrote many love
songs praising and idealising her beauty. And that bitch doesn’t accept any of
her suitors.
+++: And so did my good Greek friend, Alexander, who started by writing
some poems to her which I didn’t like, and told him why. So he ended up
improving slowly but surely, until he wrote a truly great poem about her, and
people loved it.
+++: Then Phoebe — that’s her name — told him, while crying, that she
loved the song, but that she still is not going to marry him.
Alexis: The Bitch!
Josephus: My thoughts exactly. Anyway, he felt very down for a long while,
so I decided to introduce him to my redhead cousin - her name’s Elishevah
- hoping it’ll cheer him up. He ended up liking her and he wrote a hack
of that song as a love song to her, and she ended up falling in love with
him, and he converted to Judaism and married her, and she’s now pregnant
with their first born, and he writes more songs about her. Very good ones.
Athena: And Phoebe is still single?
Josephus: Yes! And people are still crazy over her.
Josephus: Anyway, can you share some details about your trip? I never ventured
a long way past Damascus.
Athena: Sure! It was very interesting. Most interesting.
+++: We travelled with our own people and some Greek merchants, all the way
to Athens, and there we hitchhiked a ride with some
Assyrian merchants,
hoping it will get us closer to Alexandria. There were some guards escorting
us, and at one point they disarmed us and threatened us at sword’s point to
have sex with them or else they'll kill us and take all our possessions.
Josephus: Wow! Rape. So what did you do?
Athena: Well, we consulted between ourselves and after a long while of being
really scared, we calmed down a little, and decided that if we are forced to
have sex, we might as well cooperate and try to enjoy it. So we told them
that we’ll do it willingly, and they agreed.
Josephus: How clever of you! And then what happened?
Athena: Well, the three of us and her lover each found their own part of the
woods, and we had sex. Then, after one or two times, the three men all
lost stamina, while we were not completely satisfied and cried for more!
[Josephus laughs.]
Alexis: Yes! Then we heard each other’s cries and we gathered at one place
together still naked with our clothes as cover, and we bitched about the whole
situation - in Greek - and the men stood there ashamed.
Athena: Yes! Anyway, we continued as couples throughout the trip and the men
got better in love making as time went by, and they also taught us a little
Aramaic. Then we arrived at the junction
- they wanted to go to Assyria, and we wanted to head more south, and then
all the 6 of us were completely emotional and offered each other to escort them
on the way, so we won’t part. But we eventually cared enough about the
others to let them go on their own way.
Josephus: Wow! That sounds like love.
Athena: Love! Yes! That’s the word.
Eros in action.
Athena: Anyway, then we hitchhiked a ride with a band of Greek merchants. The
boys there were easy and we all liked each other, so we had a lot of sex, and
we learned even more Aramaic from them.
Josephus: Did you fall in love with them too?
Athena: This time we didn’t. So after them, we hitchhiked a ride with some
Jewish and Phoenician merchants. Jews and Phoenicians proclaim to hate each
others’ guts but they always band together. Anyway, we wanted to have sex
with the Jewish men but they refused to do so unless we converted to Judaism
and they married us. They kept citing Jehovah and their faith to him
as the reason why.
Josephus: So did you give up on them?
Athena: Not on your life! We wanted them more! And more badly!
[
From Friends Series 2 Episode 4.
]
Athena: The wives of the Jewish men thought they were being unfair to
us, and urged them to have sex with us. So they started a heated debate
about what the
Jewish tradition
said about that.
Josephus: So these women studied that?
Athena: Probably not, but they faked it really well. But the men still
didn’t want to have sex with us, because of Jehovah of course.
Josephus: Well, just for the record, as much as my variant of Judaism is
unorthodox and avant-garde, and I derive influence from other ethnicities and
cultures, I am still a proud Jew and not going to cast humiliation on
my people by having pre-marital sex with you or with any other girl.
Selena: See! Told you! All Jews are the same. Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah.
+++: Well, just for the record, we’re not going to have sex with you
either.
Josephus: Oh.
Josephus’ Voice: I actually felt disappointed.
Athena: Do you feel disappointed from it?
Josephus: Me? No! It’s actually a relief. Well… a little.
Athena: OK, just know that it’s nothing personal: we decided against having
sex completely, shortly after hearing your Qoheleth thing.
Josephus: Really? But didn’t I say
“Young man,
be joyful in your youth” there?
Athena: That you did, but something else there made us realise that sex
is not worth the risk of getting pregnant. So we’re going to wait with it
until we return home to our village.
Josephus: I see, I said so many things in the scroll that I couldn’t tell
what was right and what was wrong. Good thing I admitted it was blasphemy
and should not be taken seriously.
Athena: Yes, well, we actually started learning the Jewish law and legacy
from some priests in the Jewish and Phoenician convoy hoping we can eventually
convert to Judaism and marry the Jewish men. A lot of it seems nifty and a
lot seems quite appalling. Are all the mythologies of the peoples here
like that?
Josephus: There are many parallels, and most myths of the Jews exist in
various variations in the myths of other nations. Ever since the exile
to Babylon, the Jews have treated their Torah as holy, which I sometimes
feel was not the original intention of these stories.
+++: The storytellers of the Jews or the other people were essentially a
precursor to modern-day philosophers, and I feel that a good story reflects
some good philosophy. I’m pretty sure many of the stories in the Torah and
the books of the Prophets were passed by and embellished from generation to
generation.
Josephus: Is it true what they say about the Iranian tribes having female
warriors, that were the inspiration for the Amazons of the Greek?
Athena: Oh them… well not really. See, they don’t really fight themselves,
only come to the battle with some rudimentary weaponry, which they at most
flail while using. As women go, they are too weak to use it effectively.
+++: We on the other hand, have found a more effective way to protect us
against their raids against our village.
Josephus: Really? Which one?
Athena: Knives! [She shows a knife.] These are much better knives than
what we have in the village, but ours are good for it too. Selena can
demonstrate - she’s an expert in throwing them.
[Alexis inscribes an X on the wall using some chalk. Selena stands with a
knife in the opposite direction to the wall.]
Josephus: Hold it, she’s not in the right direction
[Selena quickly turns, throws the knife and hits the X.]
Josephus: Wow!
Athena: After we threw a few knives like that at their chieftains eyes,
they left us alone.
Josephus’ Voice: OK, there was definite arousal. I thought I should go.
Josephus: OK, I really should go - it was nice talking you, but I’m beginning
to sin here.
Athena: Sin?
Josephus: Yes! Our Torah forbade us from incest.
Athena: Well, these are just feelings. They don’t hurt anyone. Please
stay - we’ll pay you for the time.
Josephus: OK, I guess.
Athena: Anyway, these knives are not as effective as bows, which we are
still too weak to use. Or swords that are used for melee.
Josephus: But they’ve been getting lighter…
Athena: Exactly! Maybe one day a bow will be light enough for a girl
to operate using both hands.
[
]
Josephus: [Laughs] Hah hah! Tell you what? Maybe one day a girl will be
able to hold one long-ranged bow-like weapon in each hand.
[
]
Athena: [Laughs] You crack me up.
Josephus: Heh, maybe.
[
Recent Note: I now believe this split (inspired by this blog post
and this one )
was a false lead and I'm planning future characters to be mostly Alphas.
I'm keeping it here only as a plot element.
]
[Athena takes some wooden cards from her possessions, shuffles them, and puts
them on the table.]
Athena: Hey Josephus, let me read you your fortune.
Josephus: Sorry, Athena, but such witchcraft is explicitly forbidden by the
Torah .
Athena: Well, it’s more rational than traditional witchcraft. See, I give
my own associations based on the cards, and instead of telling what I think
they mean, I ask you what they mean.
Josephus: Sounds relatively innocent. Well, I have sinned enough since I
wrote the scroll, and if God has mercy on my soul, maybe I’ll still live
long enough.
Athena: Yes. OK, let’s start. [ Puts a card. ] I’ll call this card “The
Alpha” - what does it mean to you?
Josephus: the Alpha… I’m reminded of some philosophers who studied biology
who discussed the herds of some animals, where there was an alpha male
who mates with all the females. But…
Athena: Who is he among humans?
Alexis: Or she… [ she continues to throw the knife. ]
Josephus: An alpha female? Yes! The most coveted female… Phoebe … a rule
breaker… keeps challenging social norms… the “bad girl”… gets into a lot
of trouble, but usually not remotely in danger - she can get out of it.
[
Image - anthology of alpha females:
Alicia Silverstone,
SMG, Natalie Portman, Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus, and Jennifer Lawrence.
]
Josephus: Yes, in stories or plays she is usually the antagonist.
Selena: Or he.
Josephus: Indeed. Or he.
Athena: OK, next. This card is “The beta”.
Josephus: The beta female? Hmmm… Let me think…
+++: Yes! The “protagonist”, the good girl, solid, “responsible adult”.
She’s more respected than the Alpha female, and some men find her more
attractive. She’s featured in conversations less, and people assume there’s a
rivalry between her and the Alpha female.
+++: In Damascus’ case, it is the princess. She’s already engaged, and her
marriage may make her the Beta female emerita, but only time can tell. She
and I flirted a few times since I published “Qoheleth”. And she did hint that
Phoebe wants me.
[
Note: challenge accepted, and won! Bar Refaeli is now happily married and still coveted and featured in conversations.
]
Athena: OK, fair enough. Now next. Hmm… it’s a card of complete consumption,
so seems like it will be “The Gamma all the way to the Omega”. Who is she?
Josephus: Gamma-to-Omega? Hmmm… yes! The Gamma↔Omega female— the one
who is sheepish, always gets herself and everyone else into trouble,
pitiful. The true villainess.
[
Image - anthology of Gamma↔Omega females -
Anne
of Austria from The Three Musketeers,
Willow from Buffy,
Cordelia Chase from Buffy,
Keiko O’Brien
from Star Trek DS9.
]
Athena: OK, next card. Hmmm… that’s funny - it’s a card that’s indicative
of something above and beyond the previous cards. But not divine…
I wonder what it could be…
Josephus: Above and beyond but not divine… above and beyond… oh my… there are
many Alpha/Beta/Gamma↔Omega males and females - each in their own society and
sub-society. But there is one person, or maybe a selected few above them… the
Master Philosopher! The Hacker King!
+++: Moses, Cyrus the Great, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle - they were all the Master
philosophers. But who is he now? Who the hell is he?
+++: Who the hell is… the Qoheleth?
Selena: Is it you?
Josephus: Me? The scroll, it is nothing… I was just faking it… I cannot be
the hacker king.
Athena: You could not be… the scroll was written in past tense. And I think
you were… were the hacker king!
Josephus: So you're saying that in the scroll I distilled my wisdom, and it
became my Magnus opus
as the hacker king and I officially stepped down? But who is
the new Qoheleth now? I must find out.
Selena: …Fuck that!!
Josephus: I beg your pardon?
Selena: Do you really think you've lost it?
[
"Like I
could lose it!" image macro from Friends' Ross Music episode.
]
Josephus: You mean… I'm still a hacker king? A messiah?
+++: Wow!
Selena: And tell you what: Athena, Alexis, and I are in it too.
Josephus: Welcome to the club.
Athena: heh, we multiply.
Josephus: In any case, following
the publication of the scroll it seems I have become the most coveted male
in Damascus — the Alpha Male so-to-speak. And all the single girls want me.
And I don’t know what to do? Perhaps I should talk to the king about that.
Athena: And what can he do?
Josephus: I don't know… order all the girls to stop lusting me.
Athena: Well let me tell you something— if I learned anything from
the Greek mythology it is that Aphrodite
always gets her way, regardless of how much the authorities try to withhold
her. A decree from the king will likely only make all the girls crave you
even more.
Josephus: Yes, I guess you are right. But what can I do?
Athena: Well, one thing is to take it the right way. The
Stoic way. They want you —
just live with it and even try to enjoy it.
Josephus: Interesting. I didn’t think of it.
Athena: And the second thing you have to do is to marry one or more girls
you like.
Josephus: More than one? You know how they say that bigamy is
having one wife too many.
Athena: Well, monogamy is the same thing.
[Josephus laughs.]
Josephus: I guess I should marry someone. Maybe Phoebe if she’s willing
to convert to Judaism. She should be enough of a competition for the other
girls to ward them off.
Josephus’ Voice: The day started to fade.
Josephus: OK, I think I spent enough time with you here. I learned a lot from
you so I won’t require payment. Perhaps I should be the one who ought to pay. I need to go because people still need me as a physician and a
consultant, and they likely won’t be able to find me here.
Athena: Well, maybe we can accompany you. We can put our caps on and the
sun is no longer as strong as it was.
Josephus: Yes.
[They go.]
[Josephus and the three Celtic girls are walking down the street.]
Alexis: So, Josephus, can you tell us about some of your exploits as a
physician?
Josephus: Sure! The other day I treated a young girl who suffered from a flu,
and she got better and became healthy again. And shortly after that, she
accidentally broke a pot, and her mother was mad at her. So some guys
I know told me that the pot got broken because I saved her, and that it was
God’s will for her to die. We are still being treated as
Necromancers and
raisers of the dead sometimes.
Alexis: I see.
[They pass through a crowd of young females.]
Girl: [Teasingly] Hello, Josephus.
Josephus: [Also teasingly] Hello, ladies!
[The girls burst out laughing. Josephus and the Celts join them and they
pass through. ]
Josephus: Heh, you were right — it does not feel as badly as before, if you change
your attitude.
Athena: Yeah.
Josephus: Anyway, another thing we treat is ailments of the spirit. There
was this hard to tackle case the other day with a rich Jewish merchant,
who got
depressed
[ Screen become blurry.
Outside the merchant's house, there's a fellow Greek philosopher, Hector.]
Hector: Hi Josephus! It's good that you are here - they won't let me in
because I’m not Jewish. Anyway, they tried playing to him and he dislikes
it.
Josephus: I see. Do you propose extracting blood like the Greek do?
Hector: I never really believed in it. I suggest you just talk to him and
see what is on his mind - maybe the answer lies there.
Josephus: [Thinks for a moment.] Sounds like it may work. [He enters]
[ At the house. ]
Josephus: Hello, Mosheh, I came to help - how are you feeling?
Mosheh: [Sheepishly.] Hello, Josephus.
Josephus: OK, can you tell me what is bothering you? What are you thinking
about at the moment?
Mosheh: I realised I’m a sinner!
Josephus: How so?
Mosheh: I violated the tenth commandment - “You shall not covet”. I keep
coveting the wives of other men.
Josephus’ Voice: So I ended up telling him about how most Jewish scholars
thought it was there as a general guideline so you avoid it getting out
of control, and as a way to show you that you’ll always be a sinner, and
so nothing to worry about.
[Cut.]
Mosheh: OK, that’s fine, but I still feel miserable.
Josephus: Tell you what? It’s OK that you’re feeling bad for now, don’t worry
about it. Just let the feeling sulk.
[
]
[ Mosheh is thinking for a moment. ]
Mosheh: Wow! Tell you what, Josephus? I feel happy now.
Josephus: Really?
Mosheh: Yes! Tell you what, I hereby invite you to a dinner where I’ll roast
my finest sheep for you. And wait a second [he goes to the other room.]
[Mosheh returns and drops some coins into Josephus’ palm.]
Josephus: Wow! Gold! [Showing the coins.]
+++: OK, my Greek friend, Hector the philosopher provided some guidance
for curing you. Can he also be invited?
Mosheh: He will be served outside, being a gentile and all.
Josephus: Thank you, I will let him know.
[There are cheers from the crowd. Then an old woman from the crowd starts
shouting.]
Old Woman: Necromancer! Defiers of God!
People from the crowd: Knock it off, lady!
[Cut to the scene with the Celts.]
Alexis: Wow! So you cured him.
[ Hector approaches Josephus ]
Hector: Hey Josephus!
Josephus: Hey Hector… Meet Athena, Selena, and Alexis, my fellow Messiahs!
[ Hector bows. ]
Josephus: Anyway, is there anyone too sick in Damascus today?
Hector: Doesn't seem so - coast is clear.
Josephus: Great… I presume the five of us can go to a forum then - I cannot wait
to share the amusing stuff the four of us learned today.
[ They enter the forum. Phoebe and her brothers are there. ]
Phoebe: oh… there you are, Josephus! Stephan, please give him the freaking bet money
already, so that shalom (= well being and prosperity) shall prevail upon the Earth.
[ Stephan gives Josephus the bet money. ]
Josephus: Thanks, Stephan!
Stephan: You are welcome. And good will among men!.
[ Phoebe looks in the direction of the three Celtic girls. ]
Phoebe: Are you going to introduce me to your friends?
Josephus: Oh, they are Celtic travellers, their Greek names are Athena, Selena,
and Alexis. A talk with them inspired some further philosophical insights.
+++: They joined me in our quest to become master philosophers, a.k.a
Messiahs.
Phoebe: awesome!
Josephus: And while we are here: Phoebe, will you convert to Judaism and marry me?
Phoebe: [thinks for a moment] yeah, yeah, alright! [Unenthusiastically.]
Josephus: done then! Though you do not seem too keen on the idea.
+++: Why aren't you?
Phoebe: well... I just don't buy it. It's too easy if you ask me…
[
]
Phoebe: Man is an underrated entertainer (= philosopher); man writes a work of philosophy, which although repetitive, is short and contains many gems; I'll give it a 9 out of 10.
Josephus: ha!
Phoebe: yes… anyway: man becomes the most coveted male…
Josephus: the Alpha Male!
Phoebe: “Alpha Male”… I like it!
+++: anyway: man becomes the Alpha Male of Damascus and every unmarried female wants
him; Man wishes to marry The Diva… The Alpha Female, I suppose, so he will be
able to have sex with her, and so that she'll ward off competition.
+++: We all heard this story many times. There is nothing new under the sun.
Josephus: Ha! An alpha female makes a truly alpha philosopher (or even an alpha
messiah?)! I am fortunate enough to be her fiancé.
+++: OK: [to the forum] Everyone, I, Josephus, am about to marry Phoebe, whom you know as the most coveted female in Damascus, after she converts to Judaism.
[Applause from the audience.]
David: Hey, the "Qoheleth" Josephus is about to marry a goyah!
Josephus: Take back what you just said!
David: Hey, please don't hit me, man!
Josephus: I'm not going to hit you, I just detest calling a non-Jew "a goy",
which meant "a people" or "a nation" in the Torah. The Jews are just one of
many peoples. No wonder people think we have some kind of
a
sinister world-domination conspiracy.
David: Fine, you'll marry a "gerra" ( "גרה" ).
Josephus: fine.
[He thinks for a moment.]
Josephus: Maybe we should have a conspiracy … of goys… pluralistic. Let's call it The Neo-Tech conspiracy for establishing the Semitic culture.
Voice of a Damascus' royal guard from behind: you're a little
late to The Game, Mr. Josephus Flavius!
[
Josephus turns around and sees two royal guards holding bows. One
of them aims his bow at Josephus .
]
Guard: I can shoot you now, but I won't!
Josephus: I believe you. What is it that you want from me?
[
The princess approaches:
]
Princess: initiate time wrap for up to 3 hours or until cancellation, please! [she waves her wand.]
[
Athena is greyed out.
Q, dressed in a uniform of the Damascus royal guards,
Quark,
George the cat,
and Q2
approach.
]
Josephus: whoa, you guys are real?
Q: only the best for the baddest.
George the Cat: good evening, Josephus.
Josephus: so cats can talk?
George the Cat: meow!
Josephus: why is Athena greyed out?
Selena: she is the only non-wizard here.
Princess: To quote TheCodex™: A vampire can only be slain by another vampire, except for the last standing vampire who will be slain by the child of his two favourite children.
.
+++: Moreover, in order to “liberate” a locality, or later its mystical capital,
their master vampire must be slain by a foreigner.
+++: Syria was the first and
only country to have been liberated as one when Mosheh
and his team slew Nimrod,
except for its mystical capital, Damascus, where newborns were born vampires.
+++: We have guided Athena here in order to get her to either slay or be
slain by Damascus' master vampire. Most of us expected the latter to be
Phoebe, but she admitted inferiority to Josephus and his team here after
he wrote the scroll of Qoheleth. He in turn was slain by Athena, thus
liberating Damascus and unifying Syria.
Q: You are now a wizard (a.k.a "a true prophet"), Josephus. Here are your magic
wand, your game dice
set, and a book that provides access to learning resources. Do not
worry about losing them - they are going to follow you.
Q: You have a quota of two spells per day; while you can in theory wish for
anything, you must not be under the influence of drugs, must really mean
it, and must not be possessed or otherwise obsessed. The book has more guidelines.
Quark: You know, Josephus, cast your bread upon the water
[ Reference ]
seems to contradict Rule of
Acquisition No. 1: Once you have their money, never give it back.
Josephus: heh… to everything there
is a time, including to paraphrase on what oneself had written and published
earlier.
Princess: We hoped Athena would get slain, as she's been a vampire for over
200 years, and has liberated many provinces and mystical capitals in Europe.
+++: But not all is lost. See: she and the vampire-you have conceived a
vampire son, who will be raised by your echoes, and who will combine the
philosophies
of the two of you. You now have the opportunity to tell them what to do.
Josephus: [after thinking for a moment] Call the newborn Aharon Ashkenazius… Aharon
ha'Ashkenazi. Return to Athena's village and project a European, Greek-Celtic, take
on Judaism.
[
The echoes leave.
The Princess cancels the time wrap.
]
Josephus: meanwhile, I think Phoebe and I will travel to Alexandria
and help the Bible translation
effort [= the Septuagint].
[ Phoebe rushes towards Josephus, and kisses him passionately. The crowd cheers. ]
Josephus’ Voice: I remembered what the three Celts told me about the rape. And it's not as if I wanted to resist. One does not simply say “no” to an Alpha Female.
[
]
[ Phoebe lets go. ]
Phoebe: I love men of action! And having raped you now, I can now be forced to marry you.
Josephus: well… unfortunately for you, Jewish scholars have restricted rape to more… up base… sexual acts.
Phoebe: Well, there's more where it came from…
Josephus: and I'd suggest against violating Damascus' public order.
[ Phoebe smiles, and snuggles into Josephus. ]
Athena: oww! You two make such a lovely couple.
+++: But we'd better get some sleep before our convoy leaves tomorrow. Bye!
[ As the Celtic trio leaves, Selena and Alexis each blow one kiss in the air.
Josephus waves.
]
[
Aharon ha'Ashkenazi ended up slaying his mother, Athena, and was slain
himself several decades later.
However, he first became the direct-male-ancestor of
Jesus,
who in turn was the direct-male-ancestor of
the Rav Ovadia Yosef,
who in turn was the direct-male-ancestor of
Saladin,
who in turn was the direct-male-ancestor of
Genghis Khan,
who in turn was the
direct-male-ancestor of my father's father, Aharon Fish.
He also was one of the founders of Ashkenazi Judaism.
Josephus Flavius is/was the direct-male-descendent of
Yehoshua bin-Nun ("Joshua"),
who was the spiritual son of Joseph.
I was born a false prophet in 1977, and suspect that following
Kim Kardashian’s
ascension, became the "Terminal Terran Terminator" and the
"last vampire standing":
Multiverse cosmology.
]