“So, who the Hell is Qoheleth?” - Ongoing Text [satire]
What had been, is what will be. There is nothing new under the sun.
Abstract
Josephus was a budding philosopher of Jewish descent in Damascus of Hellenistic times, when he took a bet that he could produce a decent work of philosophy, and wrote the Biblical scroll of Ecclesiastes (Qoheleth). Soon after that, he became the most notorious celebrity in his town, made a moderate fortune from donations of enthusiastic fans of the scroll, and became annoyed by the fact that he has become the object of affection of nearly every unmarried young female in Damascus.
However, nothing could prepare Josephus to the day he ran into a trio of female Celtic travellers, who provide him with many questions, including the million dollar question, “Who is the Qoheleth (Now)?”.
This is an illustrated screenplay inspired by the #SummerNSA effort and set in a time of great confusion — not unlike our own, while containing some anachronisms.
So, Who the Hell is Qoheleth?
Node LinkAbout this screenplay
Node LinkNext[ An illustrated screenplay about what happened to the author of the scroll of Ecclesiastes/Qoheleth shortly after writing it. ]
[ This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2014 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution Noncommercial Share-Alike 3.0 Unported Licence (CC-by-nc-sa) (or at your option - any later version). ]
[ "Is" in Aramaic resembles "jehovah" a lot there.
Because "yihiyeh" is present/future.
Some people thought that jehovah meant "He who is/will be" or "what is/will be". ]
Introducing Josephus
PrevNode LinkNext[ Black screen. Initial Credits. ]
[ Text on the screen: Damascus, circa 300 B.C. ]
[ Showing Josephus. ]
[ Jacob hits Josephus on the shoulder - Josephus sways a little. ]
[ Illustration: Stand-up philosopher . ]
[ They part. Josephus’ Voice == Josephus’ Monologue. ]
[ Scene showing many attractive girls pointing at Josephus, smiling, giggling and lusting him. ]
The Egyptian Girls
PrevNode LinkNext[ Josephus eyes three attractive Egyptian girls, pointing at him and giggling. ]
[ He passes by them only to hear one say «A good name is better than good oil» ( Ecclesiastes 7:1 ) in perfect Aramaic. ]
Meeting the Celtic trio
PrevNode LinkNext[ Josephus leaves the scene encouraged, and later on is approached by a girl who wears a hood, who requests that he follows her and tells him that she can pay him generously for his time. He can see through the hood that her face is pale and that she has sunburns. She takes him to a restaurant which is shaded, and there are two other girls there: one blonde and the other with red/orange coloured-hair. They are Celts .
The other girl (Athena) pulls down her hood, and she is blonde as well. ]
The Celts Trip to Damascus
PrevNode LinkNextThe Rape
Node LinkNext[ Josephus laughs. ]
The Non-seducable Jewish Merchants
PrevNode LinkNext[
From Friends Series 2 Episode 4. ]
Not Having Sex
PrevNode LinkGirls Doing Warfare
PrevNode LinkNext[ Alexis inscribes an X on the wall using some chalk. Selena stands with a knife in the opposite direction to the wall. ]
[ Selena quickly turns, throws the knife and hits the X. ]
The Alpha, The Beta and The Gamma↔Omega
PrevNode LinkNextThe Alpha, The Beta and The Gamma↔Omega -- first mini-scene
Node LinkNext[ Recent Note: I now believe this split (inspired by this blog post and this one ) was a false lead and I'm planning future characters to be mostly Alphas. I'm keeping it here only as a plot element. ]
[ Athena takes some wooden cards from her possessions, shuffles them, and puts them on the table. ]
[ Image - anthology of alpha females: Alicia Silverstone, SMG, Natalie Portman, Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus, and Jennifer Lawrence. ]
[ Note: challenge accepted, and won! Bar Refaeli is now happily married and still coveted and featured in conversations. ]
[ Image - anthology of Gamma↔Omega females - Anne of Austria from The Three Musketeers, Willow from Buffy, Cordelia Chase from Buffy, Keiko O’Brien from Star Trek DS9. ]
The Hacker Monarchs
PrevNode LinkNextWhat to do about being Damascus’ Alpha Male?
PrevNode Link[ Josephus laughs. ]
Leaving
PrevNode LinkNext[ They go. ]
Josephus Being a Physician
PrevNode LinkNext[ Josephus and the three Celtic girls are walking down the street. ]
[ They pass through a crowd of young females. ]
[ The girls burst out laughing. Josephus and the Celts join them and they pass through. ]
[ Screen become blurry.
Outside the merchant's house, there's a fellow Greek philosopher, Hector. ]
[ At the house. ]
[ Cut. ]
[ Mosheh is thinking for a moment. ]
[ Mosheh returns and drops some coins into Josephus’ palm. ]
[ There are cheers from the crowd. Then an old woman from the crowd starts shouting. ]
[ Cut to the scene with the Celts. ]
Coast is Clear
PrevNode LinkNext[ Hector approaches Josephus ]
[ Hector bows. ]
At the forum
PrevNode LinkNextProposing to Phoebe
Node LinkNext[ They enter the forum. Phoebe and her brothers are there. ]
[ Stephan gives Josephus the bet money. ]
[ Phoebe looks in the direction of the three Celtic girls. ]
[ Applause from the audience. ]
[ He thinks for a moment. ]
[ Josephus turns around and sees two royal guards holding bows. One of them aims his bow at Josephus . ]
The Liberation of Damascus
PrevNode LinkNext[ The princess approaches: ]
[ Athena is greyed out.
Q, dressed in a uniform of the Damascus royal guards, Quark, George the cat, and Q2 approach. ]
The scroll vs. The Rules of Acquisition
PrevNode LinkNextAthena’s son
PrevNode LinkNext[ The echoes leave.
The Princess cancels the time wrap. ]
Phoebe marks her territory
PrevNode Link[ Phoebe rushes towards Josephus, and kisses him passionately. The crowd cheers. ]
[ Phoebe lets go. ]
[ Phoebe smiles, and snuggles into Josephus. ]
[ As the Celtic trio leaves, Selena and Alexis each blow one kiss in the air.
Josephus waves. ]
Epilogue
PrevNode Link[ Aharon ha'Ashkenazi ended up slaying his mother, Athena, and was slain himself several decades later. However, he first became the direct-male-ancestor of Jesus, who in turn was the direct-male-ancestor of the Rav Ovadia Yosef, who in turn was the direct-male-ancestor of Saladin, who in turn was the direct-male-ancestor of Genghis Khan, who in turn was the direct-male-ancestor of my father's father, Aharon Fish. He also was one of the founders of Ashkenazi Judaism.
Josephus Flavius is/was the direct-male-descendent of Yehoshua bin-Nun ("Joshua"), who was the spiritual son of Joseph.
I was born a false prophet in 1977, and suspect that following Kim Kardashian’s ascension, became the "Terminal Terran Terminator" and the "last vampire standing": Multiverse cosmology. ]