Emma Watson’s Visit to Israel and Gaza [satire]

Introduction

Emma Watson is a 1990-born British creator, activist, actress, and model, who rose to fame playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, and (quoting from the Wikipedia page):

In October 2013, she was voted Sexiest Female Movie Star in a worldwide poll conducted by Empire magazine. In May 2014, BuzzFeed dubbed her the “most flawless woman of the decade”.

Now the question is: what will happen if she decides to visit the Gaza envelope and the Gaza strip?

Text

Emma Watson visit to Israel and Gaza.

[ This is fictional Real person fiction starring Emma Watson and other real people, and did not actually take place. Whether it will actually materialise remains to be seen.

The year is 2014. Emma Watson - a British actress who rose to fame after playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films - graduated from Brown University with a degree in English Literature and became a UN Women Good Will Ambassador. Shortly after the August 2014 celebrity photo leak, she arrives at Ben Gurion Airport in Israel. ]

At-the-Passport-Verification

Airport clerk: Next, please. Name and passport?

Emma Watson: Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson; actress and model and UN Women ambassador of good will.

Airport clerk: The passport looks legit. What are you planning to do in Israel?

Emma Watson: Touring and political activism. I’m not planning to be employed (and if I do - I’ll let you know about it) but I am planning to visit the Gaza envelope, broadcast my exact location on the Internet, and try to bring Shalom / Salaam to the region.

Airport clerk: Seems crazy.

Emma Watson: Well, I am sane enough to act crazy sometimes.

Airport clerk: Oh well, I doubt you’ll be in any remote danger anyway, and since you are a British citizen, we cannot really prevent you from entering.

Airport clerk: Try not to get killed.

Emma Watson: Thank you! I will.

Getting a Ride

[ Showing Emma Watson’s Smartphone on Twitter she types there - “Visit to Israel Begins. GPS coordinates in RT at emw.tld. Sderot, here I come!”, and sends it. ]

[ She approaches a taxicab driver. ]

Emma Watson: Hello there.

Driver: Hello Ma’am. Do you want a ride?

Emma Watson: That I do! Note however that my phone will broadcast my exact GPS coordinates every minute or so, so if you care about “privacy” (in quotes) I’ll have to find someone else. On the bright side, I’m going to pay you 10 thousand sheqels regardless of how much the ride should cost, and also - I’m Emma Watson, the famous actress, so— I can give you a signed photograph, and a small souvenir, and naturally we’ll talk during the ride.

Driver: Works for me. Where do you wish to go?

Emma Watson: Sderot, please! But can we first stop at a gas station, where we can eat and drink something?

Driver: Sure, Ms. Watson! Let me help you with your bags.

At the Gas Station

[ The taxicab stops. Emma Watson and the driver go out. ]

[ Cut to them sitting eating. ]

Emma Watson: Sorry if I’m too distracted and not too talkative, but I’m trying to reply to as many of the social media responses I got for my recent announcement of me going to visit the Gaza envelope. One thing I learned from Shaike Ophir’s English Teacher skit is that one should avoid his definition of monologue as “one person talking to himself”.

Driver: That’s OK, Ms. Watson - the customer’s always right.

Emma Watson: Yes. I received quite a few variations of “Bitch, are you insane?” from fans, to which I made a top-level reply of “For all the people who think I’m insane, be aware that if I complied by the mainstream definition of sanity, I would not be half as successful as I am today.” (only in Twitter-speak).

[ A waitress approaches Emma Watson ]

Waitress: I hope you’re having a good time, ah…

Emma Watson: Emma… Emma Watson!

Waitress: Oh! I heard about you, naturally. Are you gonna threaten me with a wand? Heh!

Emma Watson: A wand… yes, the bane of my existence. I’m thinking of collecting money for a public campaign to convert the weapon most associated with me to something more menacing.

Waitress: Don’t you have enough money for that?

Emma Watson: No, not enough! Heh. And money isn’t everything.

Waitress: So you’re not playing in films for money?

Emma Watson: Playing in films for money? Of course not! What a preposterous idea.

Waitress: Ah, nice.

Emma Watson: I’m playing in films for a shitload of money!

[ The Waitress and the Driver burst out laughing, Emma Watson joins them. ]

Waitress: [Calming down] So, Ms. Watson, where are you going?

Emma Watson: I'm going to Sderot and the rest of the Gaza envelope. I’m trying to bring Shalom / Salaam into the region.

Waitress: Sounds noble.

Emma Watson: Oh, it is.

Waitress: Well, let me know if you need anything, and I wonder if it will be prudent…

Emma Watson: For you to take photos with me? Sure! Always happy.

Waitress: Thanks. My family are big fans of the Harry Potter books.

Emma Watson: I’m glad.

Entering Sderot

[ The taxicab enters Sderot where there are some people waiting. ]

[ Emma Watson gets out of the cab, gives the cab driver the money, the photograph, and a souvenir, takes a photo with him using her digital camera, shakes his hand, says "Good bye" and part ways. ]

Emma Watson: Hello good people of Sderot. Mah Nishm`a? [= Hebrew for "What's new?"]

[ Some laughs and cheers from the audience. ]

Mayor of Sderot: Welcome Ms. Watson! I'm the mayor of Sderot. Hope you have a peaceful and Shalom-ful stay. Here is my card if you need anything.

Emma Watson: Thank you, Mr. Mayor! I think I’ll have a glass of lemon juice somewhere - you and other people can join me if they like.

Mayor: Sure, that will be lovely. I should note that the Hamas announced a complete unilateral ceasefire today, but they didn't tell why and there’s very little risk that the Israeli force will hit Sderot, but be careful about these cars.

Emma Watson: Yes, I will. Finally, I’d like to buy some of those “I {Heart} Sderot” T-shirts - small or medium sizes should be fine.

Mayor: Sure, we have some souvenir shops.

Emma Watson: Super.

At the Restaurant

[ Emma Watson, the Mayor, and some other people are sitting at a restaurant. Emma Watson is wearing a “I ♥ Sderot” shirt. ]

Emma Watson: OK, I still need to handle the Internet fallout from my announcement. I wonder if I should finally do a Reddit “I am Emma Watson, the famous Actress and Model — ask me Anything!”.

Man #1: What’s Reddit?

Emma Watson: Oh, it’s a system of Internet forums. Like a newer and better Usenet. I’ve been under constant pressure to finally have a presence there.

Emma Watson: Problem is — I’m not sure anyone remembers Usenet nowadays. If I told people my age that I am the new Melissa Joan Hart, they will just look at me funny.

Mayor: Sic Transit Gloria Mundi!

Emma Watson: Exactly!

Emma Watson: So? What do you for entertainment here?

Mayor: Well, aside from dodging Hamas missiles? [Emma Watson smiles] We watch T.V., play sports, hang on the Internet.

Emma Watson: Sports! Is there a basketball game by any chance? I love playing or watching basketball. Basketball is the kind of game that even if it’s a bad game, it’s still pretty good.

Mayor: I would have thought that you would prefer Football as an Englishwoman.

Emma Watson: Well, I don’t. Anyway, if we can organise a basketball game, that would be great. One warning: I’m gonna cheer for both teams.

The Basketball Game

[ Emma Watson is watching the basketball game still wearing the “I ♥ Sderot” shirt. ]

Emma Watson: Heh, it’s not such a bad game. [There’s a score. She cheers.]

Yuval: [= Boy next to Emma Watson] Yes, it’s a good game. So, Ms. Watson? Where are you going to stay?

Emma Watson: Well, I can always rent a room at a hotel but… I’ve been thinking of crashing into a host family and sleep on the sofa or in a spare bed room. It’s not always the most comfortable thing but I’m always a sucker for an adventure.

Yuval: Heh, we have a spare bedroom of my brother who is now in the IDF. I guess I can try talking my parents into hosting you. Do you want me to message them?

Emma Watson: Sure, first-come first-served I guess.

[ Yuval uses his phone and types. A beep sounds. ]

Yuval: Yay! We’re in. We can also give you supper and breakfast.

Emma Watson: Well, I’ll invite you all for supper on my expense in your favourite restaurant here, but we’ll have a dinner at your expense. And tomorrow I’ll go sight seeing around this area. The Sun here would be very good for my tan, heh. [Another score in the game.] Yay!

Emma Watson: Your parents would be welcome to join me. You should probably go to school, and I’ll do a school trip the day after tomorrow.

Coverage

TODO Fill in.

Copyright and Licence

This document is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2014, and is made available under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution Noncommercial ShareAlike License (CC-by-nc-sa) 3.0 Unported (or at your option any later version).

For securing additional rights, please contact Shlomi Fish and see the explicit requirements that are being spelt from abiding by that licence.

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