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Shlomi Fish Fortunes Collections - All in One Page

Table of Contents

Quotes by Shlomi Fish

I don’t Believe in Fairies

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I don’t believe in fairies. Oops! A fairy died.
I don’t believe in fairies. Oops! Another fairy died.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

The prefix “God Said”

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The prefix “God Said” has the extraordinary logical property of converting any statement that follows it into a true one.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

A Jewish Deduction

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A Jewish Deduction

The Bible dictates that “Thou shalt not seethe [= cook] a kid [= young goat] in his mother’s milk”. To avoid any possibility of breaking that regulation, the Jewish tradition ruled that it also applies to female goats, to mature goats, and to the meat and milk of two completely unrelated goats. It is also forbidden to eat the meat with fresh milk, and it applies to beef and mutton as well (including mixing the milk and meat of two different beasts). Finally, chicken, which are incapable of milk production, may not be eaten along with any mammal’s milk either.

We are fortunate that most mathematicians were not Jewish. Otherwise, it would have been forbidden to divide by all numbers between -1 and 1.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

I Used to be Arrogant

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I used to be arrogant. Now I’m simply Perfect.

Author One of Shlomi Fish’s Relatives
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Murphy’s Law

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If the ancient Greeks had invented UNIX, Murphy’s Law would have been known as Aristotle’s Law.

Had they invented MS-Windows, Murphy’s Law would have been known as the Law of Socrates.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Microsoft’s Slogan

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Microsoft’s slogan used to be “Microsoft - making it all make sense.”

Today it should be: “Microsoft - making everything make sense. Ours.”

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Linux - Because Software Problems...

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Linux - Because Software Problems Should not Cost Money.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Linux Slogan and Banner

The American Lottery

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The American Lottery - all you need is a dollar and a dream. We will take the dollar, but you can keep the dream.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

“Shit Happens” - 1

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“Shit Happens” according to the religions of the world (Deltas by Shlomi Fish)

Judaism: God knows you will do shit, does nothing to prevent it, but makes you take the blame for it anyway.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Shit Happens - 2

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“Shit Happens” according to the religions of the world
(Deltas by Shlomi Fish)

Judaism: God is all the shit, all the non-shit and all the intermediate demi-shits in between.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Interpret the Past

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Let’s interpret the past according to the present and not the present according to the past.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Computer Science and C Programming

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Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

— Edsger W. Dijkstra

Programming Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about stars.

— Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Next Movie

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[Discussing the shortage of IT workers as of 1998 on E-mail]

Shlomi Fish to Omer Zak: “Even the NSA doesn’t have enough programmers. But it is not likely that they will have more, and that’s because Summerschool at the NSA may might as well be the name of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s next movie.”

Omer Zak to Shlomi Fish: “And as opposed to I Know What You Did Last Summer, it is going to be scary.”

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Objective Philosophy…

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Objective philosophy is like a pencil sharpener for one’s mind.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

“The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It” - 1

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Oh! I wish you could see the look on his face! Actually, I would have also liked to see the look on his face, but just then I woke up from the dream.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight It

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It" - 2

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Had I not been already insane, I would have long ago driven myself mad.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight It

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It" - 3

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“Aside from all that, I planned a political simulator that forecast the two World Wars after I entered all the relevant data until the year 1000 AD.”

“Do you have a computer at home?”

“Oh, no! At present the program is written on a paper. Don’t ask how much time it took me to fully eliminate all bugs out of it. But it was great fun!”

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight It

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It" - 4

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“Likewise.” Added the interviewer and said: “Your answers were also very… unusual.”

“Although this description cannot testify on their quality, I take it as a compliment.”

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight It

“The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It” - 5

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The government of the Supporter will finance your travel, and you will be able to leave tomorrow morning. We would like to inform you of the following facts: we cannot assure your safety during this travel. Furthermore, despite your long service at the Organisation and your constructive proposal, we cannot say, wholeheartedly or halfheartedly, that we wish to protect your safety. Likewise, we cannot guarantee that we would not take actions that may harm you, indirectly or in a direct manner.

We hope to see you here very soon.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight It

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It" - 6

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“Okay, I think that I can now return to my country and my village. By the way, how many forbidden books do you have?”

“Oh,”, one of them said to me, “their number is growing geometrically. When I checked two weeks ago, their number was 2,148,763. A week ago there were 4,278,109 forbidden writings. Now there must be about 8,600,000 ones.”

“You are wrong.”, I said to him.

“I beg your pardon?”

“There are now exactly 8,517,559 or 8,517,560 forbidden books.”

“Why is it so important?”

“Why, it means that, for the time being, you have 82,440 or 82,441 extra books which you can read at bedtime if you can’t fall asleep!”

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight It

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It" - 7

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“And what is the nature of those activists: Socialists? Communists? Liberals?… ”

“Let’s say, for the sake of simplicity, that they are people of my intellect, only that as opposed to me they are sane.”

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight It

A more experienced programmer…

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A more experienced programmer does not make less bugs. He just realizes what went wrong more quickly.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Microsoft Notepad

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BTW, for an editor with no replace feature (at least not on Windows 95), no regular-expression search and replace, no indentation support, no syntax-highlighting and no macros and scriptability features: MS Notepad is one hell of an editor!

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Wonderous are the ways of Microsoft

WYSIWYT - Documentation Improvement

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Suggested Improvements to the Documentation:

The WYSIWYT project was for a long time fascinated by Microsoft’s tremendous desire to advance its Internet Explorer web-browser. We saw the fact that they switched the help systems of the upcoming Windows 98, as well as Microsoft Visual C++ 5.0, to HTML a major step in advancing our project.

As a complementary step, some of the chief heads of our project suggested that the Windows’ manuals themselves, as well as all of Microsoft’s ads, will be designed in HTML and printed after being rendered by IE4. While this project is in the preliminary and planning stages, we expect it to acquire a large momentum soon.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work IRPWUG Announces Project “What you see is what you think”

If A is A and A is not not-A…

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If: 1. A is A.
2. A is not not-A.
does it also imply that:
1. B is B.
2. B is not not-B.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

I know I’m blond…

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I know I’m blond, but I have to colour my hair brown, so people would not think I’m stupid. Because, like the title of the book says: "You’ve only got Three Seconds".

Actually, since Amazon sent us two books like that, you’ve only got six seconds.

Author One of Shlomi Fish’s Relatives
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

“Knuth is not God!” - 1

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Knuth is not God! It took him two days to build the Roman Empire.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s “Knuth is not God!” Facts

“Knuth is not God!” - 2

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Knuth is not God! God has already released TeX version 4.0.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s “Knuth is not God!” Facts

Taking a Turing Test

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>
> Shlomi,
>
> Have you ever considered taking a Turing test? ;-)
>

<sarcasm>
Sure I did. I sat at one point of an IRC channel, and someone
tested me. Eventually it was discovered that I am a computer, but it
turned out the other side was an Eliza program. Strangely enough, I could
not detect that the latter fact was true.
</sarcasm>

        Shlomi Fish in Hackers-IL message No. 2465
Author Shlomi Fish
Work Hackers-IL message No. 2465

IGLU Cabal and the Turing Test

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There is no IGLU Cabal! None of them could pass the Turing test. But strangely enough a computer program they coded, could.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Hackers-IL message No. 2465

“Knuth is not God!” - 3

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Knuth is not God! Google is not God! RMS is not God!

God himself said that was the case.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s “Knuth is not God!” Facts

“Knuth is not God!” - 4

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Knuth is not God! Typing “God” into Google and pressing “I’m Feeling Lucky” would not lead you to his homepage.

Shlomi Fish in Hackers-IL message No. 2084 ("The Great WWW-Wisdom Shootout")

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s “Knuth is not God!” Facts

“Knuth is not God!” - 5

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Knuth is not God! Unless you confuse him with Dijkstra.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s “Knuth is not God!” Facts

Patenting the TINIC

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(I am patenting issuing a TINIC with anything else but the phrase "There is no IGLU Cabal!". The patent number is kept secret to avoid violating the copyright of its text)

Shlomi Fish in Hackers-IL message No. 2021

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

C++ and Object-Oriented Programming

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C++ supports Object-Oriented Programming, roughly as much as COBOL supports Functional Programming.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

If it had not been clear…

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I hope that if it had not been clear before, it isn’t less clear now.

Author One of Shlomi Fish’s Technion Lecturers

Hi, Sophie!

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Jack: Hi, Sophie!

Sophie: Don’t “Hi, Sophie!” me.

Jack: Don’t “Don’t ‘Hi, Sophie!’ me” me!

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Crazy Opinions

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My opinions may seem crazy, but they all make sense. Insane sense, but sense nonetheless.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Corollary of Godwyn’s Law

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Shlomi, I’m considering naming a corollary of Godwyn’s law after you - any discussion of anything is over when you mention Freecell Solver.

— Muli Ben-Yehuda on #kernelnewbies (irc.kernelnewbies.org)

Muli: BTW, I think that any discussion only begins to gain momentum when I mention Freecell Solver.

— Shlomi Fish on #offtopic (irc.kernelnewbies.org)

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Keeping an Idea to Yourself

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There’s no point in keeping an idea to yourself since there’s a 10 to 1 chance that somebody already has it and will share it before you.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

An Apple a Day

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An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Two apples a day will keep two doctors away.

Author One of Shlomi Fish’s Relatives
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

You are banished!

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“You are banished! You are banished! You are banished! Hey! I’m just kidding!”

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Foreign Languages

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[Discussing Foreign Languages Knowledge in the U.S.A]

Ben Collins-Sussman: Tis’ true, unlike Europe, the language doesn’t change every 100 miles.

Shlomi Fish: And unlike England, the accent does not change every 10 miles.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

What happened to Christopher Michael Pilato?

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What happened to Christopher Michael Pilato?
Is he gone?
Is he gone for good?
Is he gone for better?
Is he gone for best?
Is he gone forever?
Will he return?
Who is Christopher Michael Pilato, anyway?

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Adapted from an IRC Monologue

Teaching a Computer to Laugh

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> Can anyone draw a plan as to how to teach a computer to laugh? Say we
> define laugh as print "LOL", and define smile as print ":)". How would a
> computer know when to print any of those, and when to operate an Eliza
> program?

Judging by IRC or AOL, randomly would do just fine ;-)

        Muli Ben-Yehuda in Hackers-IL message No. 3513
Author Muli Ben-Yehuda
Work Hackers-IL message No. 3,153

In Philosophy, as much as in software engineering

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In Philosophy, as much as in software engineering, you don’t get credit for originality. What matters is the final product, not who came up with the idea for each feature first.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

HURD is Lacking in Developers

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> Unfortunatly as other people have mentioned - the HURD is seriously
> lacking in developers, especially driver writers. Linux is to blame for
> most of that.

KImageShop is seriously lacking in developers, and the GIMP is to blame
for most of that.
Author Shlomi Fish
Work Post to the Linux-IL Mailing List

He has a high degree of…

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He has a high degree of idealism, a high degree of stubbornness, and an even higher degree of inability to distinguish between the two.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

I expected that this patch won’t go in so easily

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> Thanks, applied as change #22936.

And thank you for applying this patch. But to be honest, I’m a little disappointed. I expected it won’t go in so easily and will trigger some discussion here. But there was none. No typo corrections (“you mis-spelled ‘floccinaucinihilipilification’”); no flames ("this patch is the worst thing since non-sliced bread"). Nothing.

Someone should do something about it. This direction is not healthy for p5p. Seriously.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Post to perl5-porters

sleep-fu

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rindolf Right now, I think I’ll go to sleep.
mitch nite rindolf
mitch sleep-fu well
rindolf mitch: night.
rindolf Bye all!
rindolf mitch: there are no PDB entries for me sleeping.
rindolf mitch: nor do I want any.
mitch haha
mitch (rindolf-sleep INTERACTIVE|NONINTERACTIVE)
rindolf mitch: heh
rindolf mitch: (plug-in-rindolf-sleep ...
mitch :)
Kevin (plug-in-rindolf-sleep 8 HOURS)
Channel #gimp
Network GimpNet
Tagline Contemplating some potential procedural database functions

Contributing to #gimp

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yacoob a quickie: are ‘adjustments layers’ planned to be implemented in gimp?
nomis yacoob: at some point in the future, yes.
yacoob nomis: dare to estimate how far this future is?
nomis yacoob: no.
rindolf yacoob: faster if you contribute.
* nomis waits for the "oh, I cannot program at all".
rindolf nomis: faster if he learns how to program, and then contributes.
nomis :)
yacoob rindolf: you wouldn’t like me to contribute, believe me ;)
Channel #gimp
Network GimpNet
Tagline Faster, faster!

Girly Men

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[Commenting in Slashdot after Arnold Schwarzenegger’s decision to use open-source software in the California government:]

> This is obviously because Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are girly-men.

Yeah and what are the offerings of the open-source world? Let’s see:

1. Linus Torvalds - Looks like a dweeb, ergo is a dweeb. How girly is that? (plus his wife can kick ass better than him) 2. Richard M. Stallman - a hippy. How girly is that? 3. Eric S. Raymond - a nice looking man with a mustache. Baby faced, so he looks a bit girly to me. 4. Larry Wall - a cross between Linus and RMS (i.e: a hippy dweeb) that is even more girly.

So who do we have left? Alan Cox? OK, he’s manly. (huge man, huge facial hair, etc.) And all the others are so neglible people don’t even know how they look like.

Note: this comment may have been a bit cruel, so sorry. Don’t take it too seriously, especially if you’re one of the guys I laughed about. I hold you all with the greatest respect. Seriously.

Sincerily yours,
Shlomi Fish (who is a quite girly male himself).

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Slashdot Comment

If his programming…

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If his programming is anything like his philosophising, he would find ten imaginary bugs in the "Hello World" program.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Hacker Sees Bug

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Hacker sees bug. Hacker does not want bug. Hacker fixes bug.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Tcl is Lisp on Drugs…

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Tcl is Lisp on drugs. Using strings instead of S-expressions for closures is Evil with one of those gigantic E’s you can find at the beginning of chapters.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

95% of Programmers

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Linus Torvalds: "95% of Programmers consider themselves in the top 5%".

Shlomi Fish’s Corollary: "95% of Programmers consider 95% of the code they did not write, in the bottom 5%."

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Too Girly

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rindolf Linuxgrrl: well The Gilmore Girls is also a drama. Sort of a dramedie, but a serious one.
Linuxgrrl Meh.
Linuxgrrl Too girly for me.
rindolf Linuxgrrl: you are a girl.
rindolf Linuxgrrl: let me guess - you’re using Debian or Gentoo, right?
Linuxgrrl Gentoo.
rindolf Linuxgrrl: knew it.
rindolf Linuxgrrl: no self-respecting tomboy would use Mandrake.
Channel #linuxchics
Network OFTC
Tagline Too Girly

C++ is…

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C++ is complex, complexifying and complexified.

(With apologies to the Oxford English Dictionary).

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Blogging Memes

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rindolf I’m siicckk of blogging memes.
rindolf You are this file type.
rindolf You are that type of cloth.
jkauffman You are this member of the Friends show
rindolf jkauffman: LOL.
jkauffman "January 4th, 2005: Just took an online quiz and it turns out I’m a Joey type"
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Shlomi Fish (rindolf) and jkauffman

Becoming Crazy

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tyler- rindolf: you are seriously the craziest fucker I know
tyler- and I know some crazy ass people
mofino haha
rindolf tyler-: I am crazy. And proud of it.
tyler- rindolf: you should be
mofino haha
mofino Ahh man
rindolf tyler-: being crazy is hard work. I worked all my life to becrazy.
mofino Normal people aren’t fun.
rindolf tyler-: "Craziness is not an action. It’s a process."
mofino heh
tyler- rindolf: I see
rindolf You need to tend to your insanity.
rindolf tyler-: do you want to be crazy?
tyler- rindolf: that’s why I feed my leprechaun at least once aday.
rindolf tyler-: I can teach you everything I know.
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Becoming Crazy

Discussing living with one’s parents on IRC.

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rindolf mofino: I have some money, and am living and am supported by my parents.
rindolf mofino: there’s much less of a taboo against living withone parents after school in Israel, than there is in the States.
mofino It’s not taboo
mofino It’s pathetic.
mofino Although, sometimes life sucks, and you have no choice.
q[ender] you know, it depends
q[ender] if you’re not married and / or not getting any, it doesn’t much matter if you live with your folks
mofino ender, usually when you have self-respect, you try and you know, make it on your own
rindolf q[ender]: are you married and not getting any? You could live with your parents.
q[ender] hahaha
mofino haha
q[ender] awesome
q[ender] rindolf++ # good burn!
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Living with your parents

Moses-the-Smiley

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:)-<
 +--

-- Moses the Smiley by Shlomi Fish
Author Shlomi Fish
Work Moses the Smiley

The First Phrase that needs to be Taught

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The first phrase that should be taught when teaching a new language is how to say “Do you speak English?”.

The first thing that needs to be taught when teaching a new computer tool is how to exit it.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Re-inventing the Wheel

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He who re-invents the wheel, will understand much better how a wheel works.

He who re-invents the wheel, may actually invent a much better wheel.

Shlomi Fish

He who re-invents the wheel will likely design a square wheel and spend a year trying to figure out why it doesn’t work properly.

Nadav Har’El

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Better Alternative

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Sometimes you don’t need to be familiar with a better alternative to know that something sucks. Take Microsoft Word for example.

Author Shlomi Fish’s Friend
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Good Student vs. Bad Student

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The difference between a good student and a bad student is that a bad student forgets the material five minutes before the test, while a good student five minutes afterwards.

Author One of Shlomi Fish’s Technion Lecturer
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Real Programmers Don’t Write

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Real programmers don’t write workarounds. They tell their users to upgrade their software.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Jewish Atheists

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Jewish Atheists are the only true Atheists. They beat the hell out of Goy Atheists.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Chuck Norris Perlsixifies at FreeNode’s #perl6 channel.

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rindolf ajs: perhaps Chuck Norris would be a useful addition to the Pugs and Parrot teams.
ajs rindolf: If Norris can write, give him a commit bit, and tie him to a keyboard ;)
FurnaceBoy I thought he already had commit
daxim Chuck Norris commits with a roundhouse kick into the SVN server’s head
* FurnaceBoy chuckles
ajs daxim: If you can get that to pass the test suite, then more power to you!
FurnaceBoy Chuck *is* the test suite
Kattana chuck norris does not code, when he sits at a computer, it just does whatever he wants.
rindolf Kattana: :-)
daxim ah, we’re easy to amuse
ajs Be the test suite, Chuck... BE the test suite.
FurnaceBoy you gotta pass ‘make chuck’
Channel #perl6
Network Freenode
Tagline Chuck Norris Perlsixifies at FreeNode’s #perl6 channel.

The ex-Member about Rashness

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“You know:”, the physicist said, “in my opinion since you left the Organisation you acted without thinking a lot before you did things. I would describe your behaviour as deriving from spontaneousness and fickle‐mindedness that border rashness. Do you also think so?”

“Of course!” I replied, “Except for arrogance, rashness is my only defect!”

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight It

Second Best Solution

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The current solution offered by Nvidia may be the second-best solution. But this is one case where the second best solution is not good enough.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Nvidia Petition

If it isn’t in my email…

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If it isn’t in my email, it doesn’t exist.

And if the whole world says one thing and my email says something different, email will conquer.

-- an Israeli Linuxer.

Author An Israeli Linuxer
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Buffy and Willow

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rindolf Hi CSWookie
rindolf CSWookie: aren’t you also on Freenode?
CSWookie rindolf: What’s up.
CSWookie rindolf: I am.
rindolf CSWookie: I’m fine.
rindolf CSWookie: you are a Buffy fan right?
CSWookie rindolf: I am. Although really, more a Willow fan. Nothing hotter than red-headed Jewesses that are scared of boys.
Channel #gimp
Network GimpNet
Tagline CSWookie on Willow

When Closed-source Bites

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rindolf Hi all! How can I tell Flash in FF to play using artsd? It keeps trying to invoke esd. I’m on Mandriva 2007.
vexati0n the REAL question is, wtf is taking adobe so long with flash 9 :@
vexati0n rindolf: you might have to set that with firefox’ settings.
vexati0n or, do what good people do and use opera.
vexati0n :P
* rindolf slaps vexati0n
rindolf vexati0n: I’m not using Opera. Period.
rindolf I don’t like it and it’s not FOSS.
vexati0n god, it’s like opera is anathema just cause people can’t look at it’s code or something.
vexati0n like YUO are going to tinker with your browser’s source code anyway
rindolf vexati0n: actually, I did that for Firefox.
rindolf vexati0n: I have a bug pending on bugzilla.mozilla.org.
rindolf vexati0n: nah, nah, nah, nah
vexati0n well, you wouldn’t have to do it with opera because it already works :P
rindolf vexati0n: I hate the fact that it resizes images.
rindolf vexati0n: it causes the images to be too large.
rindolf vexati0n: now tell me how do I fix that.
vexati0n opera resizes images? o.O
vexati0n do you have a page it screws up so i can look?
rindolf vexati0n: when I press Ctrl++ and Ctrl+-
vexati0n oh. you mean it doesn’t just increase the size of the text.
rindolf vexati0n: take http://www.shlomifish.org/art/ for example.
rindolf vexati0n: yes.
Channel ##linux
Network Freenode
Tagline When Closed-source bites

The Bad Thing about Hardware

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The bad thing about hardware is that it sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. The good thing about software is that it’s consistent: it always does not work, and it always does not work in exactly the same way.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Welcome to Web 2.0

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rindolf Kev: thanks.
rindolf Kev: did you post it on the French page?
Kev not yet
rindolf Kev: you need to create an account first. But it’s easy.
rindolf It’s a MediaWiki based wiki.
Kev arghhhhhhhhhhhh
rindolf Kev: what’s wrong?
jagerman Maybe MediaWiki wronged him in some way!
Kev wiki
jagerman Just be thankful it isn’t a blog!
rindolf Kev: what’s wrong with wikis?
rindolf And be extra thankful it’s not MySpace.
jagerman Mt. Allison [University] is now paying 5 students to maintain a "life as a Mt. A student" blog
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Welcome to Web 2.0

Unflattering Nicknames

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mofino Well I’m confused and I’m going home
mofino Later guys
mofino And girl.
mofino Young tender girl ...
mofino sweet 16 year old girl ....
avar haha
rindolf mofino: heh.
* mofino puts away his lynching pedo personality
mofino ;)
mofino lates
* ChanServ gives channel operator status to jagerman
←jagerman has kicked mofino from #perlcafe (Leave already :P)
* jagerman removes channel operator status from jagerman
avar We have found pedobear and he is mofino
→mofino has joined #perlcafe
mofino can you like not do that as I’m picking up my keys?
mofino you fagerman
rindolf fagerman, homofino, what’s next?
rindolf I know - q[tyler-]
rindolf OTOH, I’ve been called Slimy Fish lately.
avar rindolf: The *real* Slimy Fish?
rindolf avar: the one and only 100% original real actual and unmatched Slimy Fish<tm>!
rindolf I’m the real Slimy, yes I’m the real Slimy, if you’re the real Slimy and not just a Slimy. So will the real Slimy please stand up, please stand up...
* jagerman is ashamed for actually knowing those lyrics
avar sing it jew boy:)
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Unflattering Nicknames

Linux for Christians

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rindolf CSWookie: tried Christian Ubuntu yet? ;-)
goldfish lol.
goldfish Oh dear, you weren’t joking.
rindolf goldfish: no, I was.
goldfish hah
goldfish "Ubuntu Christian Edition is a free, open source operating system geared towards Christians. It is based on the popular Ubuntu Linux. Ubuntu is a complete Linux-based operating system, freely available with both community and professional support."
moldy i might try it soon
moldy right now we are using plain dapper at my church
goldfish moldy: hah
moldy is this that funny? :p
goldfish :)
rindolf http://christianubuntu.blogspot.com/
moldy hehe
moldy For 40 days before Easter, Ubuntu Christian Edition works in text mode only.
moldy haha
goldfish That’s brilliant :)
rindolf There’s also a Jewbuntu blog, but it’s not as funny as this Christian Ubuntu blog.
moldy true
moldy That sounds about right -- Jesus might have preferred Jewbuntu since he was a Jew. Then again, Jesus was also a dedicated idealist, so he might have chosen Debian instead of Ubuntu. :-P
moldy hehehe
tpope why has ubuntu become the distro of puns?
moldy has it? there are puns for other distros, too
Strogg Jesus came from long long ago. I bet he runs debian stable. :)
Channel #vim
Network Freenode
Tagline Ubuntu for Christians

More Advanced than CVS

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On Sunday 01 April 2007, chromatic wrote:
> On Saturday 31 March 2007 15:26, Yuval Kogman wrote:
> > uses_version_control sounds more like lacks_manifest_skip_file which
> > should deduct kwalitee IMHO.
>
> Maybe so, but how else can CPANTS detect that you use the world’s most
> advanced version control system: CVS?
>

Are you kidding?

CVS is not advanced as:

1. Microsoft Visual SourceSafe - the only sane choice for good data integrity
and portability.

2. tarballs/zip-files and patches. This one excels in convenience, and
robustness.

CVS is a very advanced version control system, however. I do wish that
Subversion (which is a VCS that I have to use against my will) was as good as
it is.

    -- Shlomi Fish answering to chromatic on 01-April-2007
Author Shlomi Fish
Work "Re: New CPANTS metrics"

Larry Wall Facts

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  • Larry Wall can understand the Perl code he wrote last year.
  • Larry Wall gets the colon.
  • There are at least 137 Larry Walls in the U.S. but only one that matters.
  • Larry Wall applies a patch manually quicker than GNU patch.
  • Larry Wall dreams in Perl.
  • Larry Wall can program in his sleep.
  • Larry Wall is lazy, impatient and full of hubris.
  • Larry Wall has more dollars in the bank than in his Perl code.

-- Larry Wall facts by Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s "Larry Wall Facts"

Electrical Engineering Studies in the Technion

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Electrical Engineering studies. In the Technion. Been there. Done that. Forgot a lot. Remember too much.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

"I am Without Faults"

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Well, for the record, *I* am without faults, but i’ll mention them here anyways:

  1. i really hate scriptaculous
  2. i kicked a dog the other day
  3. i pushed an old lady aside, on my way to get a cup of free coffee
  4. i secretly program in Python
  5. i like to interject and make lists
Author Jeff Anderson
Work Post to London Perl Mongers

“I’m not an actor”

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I’m not an actor - I just play one on T.V.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Discussing vapourware on Freenode’s ##freebsd

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anonuser You know for when they finally decide to release that programatic abortion they call perl 6
rindolf anonuser: on Christmas.
rindolf anonuser: don’t know which one.
rindolf anonuser: you can download pugs and play with it.
anonuser rindolf, The running joke I have with friends is that Duke Nukem Forever (DNF) is being written in Perl6
rindolf anonuser: it’s an old joke.
anonuser rindolf, DNF and Perl6 together is an old joke?
rindolf anonuser: yeah.
rindolf anonuser: “Perl 6 is the language Duke Nukem Forever will be written in.”
rindolf Well, it’s not too old, but it’s a meme.
Aji-Dahaka rindolf: I’m the guy who’s going to port DNF from GNU/Hurd to FreeBSD
Channel ##freebsd
Network Freenode
Tagline Discussing Vapourware

Trying to Block Pornography…

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Trying to block Internet pornography is like climbing a waterfall and trying to stay dry.

— Drew Dexter

Author Drew Dexter
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

I’m not Straight

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I’m not straight - I’m Israeli.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Almost Worthy

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Hi Omer! Mazal Tov on Chen and yours marriage. It reminds me of a quote from Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre:

"At this period she married, removed with her husband (a clergyman, an excellent man, almost worthy of such a wife) to a distant county, and consequently was lost to me."

Well, in your case I can say that both of you are almost worthy of each other. Congrats again!

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Comment on Omer Shapira’s Blog

It doesn’t Mean What You Think it Means

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> You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it
> means.

It does not mean what I think it means, but it means what *you* think it
means.

<evil-laugh>Muahahahah…</evil-laugh>
Author Shlomi Fish
Work Post to Linux-elitists

Tower of Babel and God the Dwarf

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A few weeks ago, I’ve been to Freenode’s #perl, talking to merlyn and other guys, when we got to discuss the Biblical "Tower of Babel Myth". As it turned out, the commonly perceived interpretation was not the one most scholars find as more sensible, which is the one we ended up being taught at Junior High School.

What most people think is something like that:

The people spoke to each other in the same language, concentrated in one place, and decided to build a tower high enough so they can reach God. God, a small dwarf who lived in the sky, was afraid of the efforts of these people, because he feared they’ll reach him. So he casted an 8th level Spell of Language Fragmentation, caused these people to speak in different tongues, and without being able to understand each other, they ended up spreading across the Earth. God was relieved and returned to his dwarfish deeds, as dwarfs do.

Shlomi Fish in (Based on what his Bible teacher said)

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Blog Post

One GEGL Per Child on GIMPNet’s #gimp channel

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CIA-1 shlomif * r1712 gegl/ (ChangeLog docs/index-static.html.in):
CIA-1 * docs/index-static.html.in: fixed "GEGLs" into "GEGL’s" and "GIMPs"
CIA-1 into "GIMP’s" in the homepage.
mitch why is breaking the correct writing a fix?
mitch rindolf: ?
mitch rindolf: oh i misread :)
* rindolf gives some GEGLs and GIMPs to the mitches.
mitch haha :)
rindolf One GEGL each!
rindolf There’s not enough for everybody.
mitch GEGLS FOR THE MASSES
rindolf We should have an assembly line of GEGLs.
rindolf Mass-produce them for the ever-growing demand.
Channel #gimp
Network GimpNet
Tagline One GEGL Per Child on GIMPNet’s #gimp channel

Dream Language in Freenode’s #lisp-il

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adeht rindolf: my brother had AIMA in hard-cover.. and maybe I can get a hold of PAIP
adeht s/had/has/;
* adeht yays for perl
rindolf adeht: what did perl do?
adeht <adeht> s/had/has/;
rindolf adeht: it’s actually from sed and ed before that.
adeht I know, but I’m using perl syntax :)
rindolf adeht: now write it in Lisp.
adeht heh.
adeht in Lisp you wouldn’t use a regex for this kind of dumb substitution.. though you could
adeht rindolf: a nice way of writing CL code is to imagine your dream language for expressing that particular problem, and then realizing it :)
rindolf You probably wouldn’t use a regex in Python either.
rindolf adeht: I see.
rindolf adeht: I’m not going to implement Perl in Common Lisp. :-D
adeht heh
Channel #lisp-il
Network Freenode
Tagline Dream Language in Freenode’s #lisp-il

Why Shlomi Fish Dislikes Lisp

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> This reminds me of Paul Graham’s articles, in which he claims that LISP
> programmers are better. But why is it so (whether or not you agree to
> the conclusion)? There are at least two opposite reasons: 1. Because
> programmers that learned LISP become better 2. Because good programmers
> prefer LISP when they come to know it.

No. 1 is true, naturally. No. 2 is not true - I know LISP but I prefer Perl.
Other like Python, etc. The reasons I don’t prefer LISP are:

1. The standards of Common LISP and Scheme don’t define anything practical.
2. LISP is at the moment incredibly verbose.
3. As Larry Wall noted, all LISP code comes in parenthesis and so it all looks
the same. (Perl is the exact opposite in this regard).
4. I cannot make heads nor tails of serious LISP code. Many LISPers create so
many macros and use them along with regular LISP code, so you keep having to
refer to the previous definitions, and make a lot of research to get you
started.

SICP Scheme is easy and fun. But serious LISP code can take too much time to
understand. OTOH, recently I had little problem reading the source code of
other Perl programmers, and extending it or fixing bugs. (likewise for
Python).
Author Shlomi Fish
Work Post to Linux-IL

We don’t Know His Cellphone

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We don’t know his cellphone number, and even if we did, we would tell you that we didn’t know it.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Engrew Sentence #1

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plis tak mi auot from yuor mail list.

-- This Engrew sentence contains very few errors.

Author Anonymous Israeli
Work Message sent to Shlomi Fish

What do you mean?

Display

What do you mean by "WDYM"?

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Windows-minus-minus

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Chen Shapira: spent 5 hours yesterday trying to get Windows to print on my new wireless printer. It still doesn’t work. On Ubuntu it worked after few minutes.

Shlomi Fish: Heh. Linux++ .

Chen Shapira: I’d do Windows-- , but this may result in an integer underflow.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

"Use qmail Instead" Excerpt #1

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A few days ago I joined #mandriva on Freenode trying to get to the bottom of a problem I have with KMail at work, where I cannot start KAddressBook from inside it. I asked my question and soon afterwards received:

  • One Thunderbird recommendation.
  • Two Evolution recommendations.
  • One Sylpheed Claws recommendation.
  • One GMail recommendation.

The problem is that I wasn’t interested to learn about alternative E-mail clients, and just wanted to get my problem solved. And in GMail’s case it was completely out of the question due to my work’s constraints.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The "Use qmail instead" Syndrome

RTFM vs. JATFM

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I recently had to figure out how to do something with wget: get everything below a directory on the web-server, without following links to outside it. So I logged in to FreeNode’s #debian channel, where there are many knowledgeable people to ask it. The first answer I got was "RTFM". So, I read the wget man page, but could not find it there. Eventually, after telling people that it would be faster to give an answer, I got a reply ( add the -np -r flags). But this has been the last straw.

I composed my own acronym. Just like RTFM is "Read the Fabulous Manual" and STFW is "Search the Fabulous Web", then JATFM is "Just Answer the Fabulous Man". It means that it’s usually faster to answer someone’s question than to ask him to RTFM, which is just going to annoy him. I think the RTFM mantra has done a lot of damage in the UNIX/Linux world, and I hope JATFMing would prove to be a more healthy ideology.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Advogato.org Journal Post

I have to do TWAIN…

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A: I’m busy right now - I have to do TWAIN.

B: Do Shania Twain?

C: Oh, I’d love to do Shania Twain.

—Adapted from a conversation on Freenode’s #perl

Author Freenode #perl Participants
Work Adaptation of an IRC conversation

Fight for Perl

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→spx2 has joined #soc-help
spx2 I want to FIGHT FOR PERL IN GSOC !
spx2 I feel the power of metal in my veins
spx2 perl is flowing in my blood !
spx2 What perl Armies can I join this YEAR ?
ambs spx2: a lot :)
spx2 ambs: Hail BRETHREN !
spx2 where are the armies ???
spx2 I want to ENGAGE and start preparing my weapons !
spx2 ambs: what projects are this year ?
ambs spx2: ideas at http://www.perlfoundation.org/perl5/index.cgi?gsoc2008_projects
spx2 I will fight this year in the PERL battle !
rindolf spx2: Python is for the WEAK and TIMID!
spx2 rindolf: TOTALLY !
* spx2 examines the war grounds
Channel #soc-help
Network MAGNet
Tagline Fight for Perl

Perl Saints as an Alternative to Perl Heroes

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> So, yeah… there are no gods, only heroes.  And anyone can become
> a hero.  And even heroes are just regular people.
>

I don’t suppose we should propose that as an alternative to Perl Gods, there
should at least be Perl Saints:

http://www.stallman.org/saint.html

Of course, I’m not sure what being a Perl saint would imply. Using nothing but
Perl? (Including not C in which perl 5 is written?)

Oh well.

Not that I mind the Perl Gods stereotype stuff.

Regards,

        Shlomi Fish (a Perl saint^W hero wannabe, but definitely
        not a Perl God)
Author Shlomi Fish
Work Post to to San-Fransisco Perl Mongers Mailing List

What being a Perl Saint Implies

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> > > Of course, I’m not sure what being a Perl saint would imply.
> >
> >  It would imply having been killed for your faith in Perl.
>
> Does that make Randal the Spanish Inquisition?

No one expects the Randal Schwartz condition ;)

    -- Shlomi Fish, frosty, Duane Obrien and David Fetter in:
    --http://mail.pm.org/pipermail/sanfrancisco-pm/2008-April/001650.html
Author Shlomi Fish, frosty, Duane Obrien and David Fetter
Work San-Fransisco Perl Mongers Thread

San-Fransisco Perl Mongers: Randal Schwartz Noise Band

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>  > > > Of course, I’m not sure what being a Perl saint would imply.
>  > >
>  > >  It would imply having been killed for your faith in Perl.
>  >
>  > Does that make Randal the Spanish Inquisition?
>
>  No one expects the Randal Schwartz condition ;)

I almost feel honor bound now to start a noise band called The Randal
Schwartz Condition.  I could shout his rants into a microphone while
the rest of the band flogged a newbie live on stage.

    -- Duane Obrien in:
    -- http://mail.pm.org/pipermail/sanfrancisco-pm/2008-April/001651.html
Author Duane Obrien
Work San-Fransisco Perl Mongers Thread

San-Fransisco Perl Mongers: Randal Schwartz Condition

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>>>>> "Duane" == Duane Obrien <duane.obrien at gmail.com> writes:

Duane> Alternately, The Randal Schwartz Condition is now accepting bookings
Duane> for birthdays, weddings, religious ceremonies of any kind, or occasions
Duane> where your consulting company throws a big party at some conference.
Duane> Email me off-list for details on how to get advance copies of our demo
Duane> "I’m The Real Tim Toady"

I’m already thinking of words to the "tune" of "I’m the real Slim Shady".

Damn you. :)

    -- Duane Obrien and Randal L. Schwartz
    -- http://mail.pm.org/pipermail/sanfrancisco-pm/2008-April/001655.html
Author Duane Obrien and Randal L. Schwartz
Work San-Fransisco Perl Mongers Thread

Godwin’s Law

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> > In that case, lacking good links or a definitive reference text, I’ll have
> > to ignore your comment earlier.
> >
> > I hope it’s not much of a flamewar so far, but it sure seems to have
> > escalated into a minor one. "You are a Nazi!"
> > ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin’s_law ) - oops!
>
> Please.  The Nazi’s were socialists.  I’m a little to the right of
> Attila the Hun.
>

And I thought Attila was a Humanitarian.

    -- Shlomi Fish, Guy Hulbert and Shlomi Fish in:
    -- http://www.nntp.perl.org/group/perl.module-authors/2008/04/msg6432.html
Author Shlomi Fish and Guy Hulbert
Work Post to the Perl module-authors mailing list

Pedantic People

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I often wonder why I hang out with so many people who are so pedantic. And then I remember - because they are so pedantic.

— an Israeli Perl Monger

Author Israeli Perl Monger
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Variable Naming on #not-##freebsd

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rindolf p13: do you write scripts?
p13 rindolf, init scripts and sys maintenance scripts in csh sh and bash
p13 but i suck
p13 haha
p13 i made them SO unreadable on purpose too
p13 my var names for example
p13 i would use random quotes from coworkers
p13 like "wereoutofcoffee"
p13 or "ihatemyjob"
p13 etc etc
trashguy i hate people lik eyou p13
p13 trashguy, hahaha
trashguy atleast the variabls are obvious and not mistaken for functions and shit
elgrande i stringly recommend to call variables only: var1, var2, var3 ... var999
elgrande but for purpose of clarity, after var999 continue with varB1, varB2,...
rindolf elgrande: <elgrande> i stringly recommend to call variables only: var1, var2, var3 ... var999 - excellent advice.
rindolf elgrande: LOL.
elgrande rindolf: and of course: cls1, func1, meth1, if1
elgrande so if var3 > var2 then var1 = cls3->meth2 endif
rindolf elgrande: heh.
rindolf obj997
elgrande everyone is understand this!
rindolf elgrande: I'll probably make a fortune cookie out of it.
elgrande obj997 bevahes like this, because it implements if371
elgrande ^^
rindolf elgrande: you're still going.
Channel #not-##freebsd
Network Freenode
Tagline Variable Naming

Monty Python on Computer Interfaces

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<monty-python>

A: You Linux kids are so lucky. When we were using Windows 95 and Windows 3.11 it kept getting stuck and we lost all our data. We had to reboot it.

B: You used Windows 95! Lucky Bastard! When I was your age, we used DOS on CGA screens, and we were lucky if we had 4 colors, much less a true windowing environment.

C: You had DOS with graphics? Lucky bastard! When I was your age, I used VT-100 terminals connected to a VAX. 128 characters should be enough for everybody?

D: Visual Terminals? When I was your age, we used teletypes on a PDP-11: the computer printed on paper - very slowly. Can you imagine cat’ing a really long document?

E: Teletypes were heaven compared to the punch cards that I was using. Imagine going over to the computer with a large amount of punch cards and then dropping them all.

F: Punch cards! What is this talk about punch cards? We input machine code directly using buttons and LEDs.

G: And all we had were NAND gates!

</monty-python>

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Email Message

#python on Incrementing

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rindolf Hi all.
scorchsaber <all> Hi rindolf
rindolf scorchsaber: heh.
rindolf scorchsaber++
rindolf Or in Python:
rindolf scorchsaber+=1
rillo ??
rindolf rillo: Python does not have a ++ operator.
scorchsaber rindolf: Oh, but it does have a + operator.
rillo ah. i'm new to python so i diddnt know
scorchsaber A few days ago, it was suggested that I implement ++ using the + operator.
scorchsaber And I did so. :)
scorchsaber So, really, a++; is valid in Python, and it may even increment a by one. If somebody was crazy, anyhow, and if a was mutable.
rillo shall i move back to perl to get the ++
rillo ?
rindolf rillo: no, use COBOL instead.
rindolf ADD 1 TO COBOL GIVING COBOL
verte :(
verte eww, magic numbers!
rindolf "COBOL is the old Java"
verte ADD ONE TO COBOL GIVING COBOL
rindolf verte: heh.
rindolf verte: 1 is not a magic number.
rindolf ASSIGN 1 to ONE
rindolf 0, 1, infinity.
rindolf verte: LOL.
rindolf verte++
\amethyst COMPUTE COBOL = COBOL + 1
Channel #python
Network Freenode
Tagline On Incrementing

I Met a Guy in the Bar

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I met a guy in the bar, talked to her and she gave me her phone number.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

BASIC, Pugs and After Death

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rindolf TimToady: so BASIC was your first language?
TimToady no, English was my first language. :)
rindolf TimToady: I started with XT ROM BASIC, but I suppose it was something like Perl 5 was to Perl 4 for your BASIC.
rindolf BASIC has greatly evolved since Dartmouth BASIC.
rindolf TimToady: ah.
rindolf TimToady: not Chomsky's Universal language?
TimToady feh
diakopter rindolf: what's the name of the Parrot implementation of Intercal?
Juerd 21:04 <@TimToady> we have a test suite right now because of pugs
Juerd Very, very important.
rindolf diakopter: I don't know.
rindolf Juerd: yes, very.
rindolf Juerd: anyway, I expect that at every given time all tests will pass.
Juerd Well, there are probably bad tests too :)
Juerd Given the volume of the suite, and that pugs has never been able to even parse everything :0
Juerd :)
TimToady testrot accounts for many of those :)
rindolf TimToady: testrot...
rindolf TimToady++
rindolf How long does it take Pugs to run the entire Pugs test suite?
TimToady but a number of them were misunderstandings at the time
rindolf Because Pugs is kinda slow.
diakopter defudge should be renamed Passover...
TimToady used to run on my old laptop in about 25 minutes
rindolf TimToady: or cute bugs.
rindolf I mean implementation details.
rindolf TimToady: kinda long.
TimToady audreyt's dual core used to run them in 10 minutes
TimToady I haven't tried on my new laptop, since I haven't installed the lates ghc yet
TimToady first make it run, then make it run right, then make it run fast
rindolf TimToady: another problem with Pugs is that it kept requiring the latest ghc.
Juerd Did pugs drive GHC development perhaps? :D
TimToady shrug, you shouldn't pick on a software project when it's down
TimToady Juerd: yes, I believe some of that happened too
rindolf TimToady: "After Death - say holy."
rindolf TimToady: it's a Hebrew phrase.
TimToady Actually, I'm just about out of After Death--I've got a bottle of Mega Death now too.
TimToady just had some on my potatoes, yum.
spinclad sounds hot
TimToady of the first six ingredients, five of them are hot. Red habanero pods, cayenne chilies, white vinegar, natural pepper flavor, ancho chilies, chipotle chilies, molasses, guava nectar, fresh ginger, salt, spices.
TimToady 'bout 550,000 scovilles
TimToady After Death is only about 500k
TimToady Tabasco is only about 35k
spinclad tabasco i'm calibrated on -- now i can (only) imagine
TimToady so roughly 15 times hotter
spinclad 'add 1/15 drop per 100 potatoes'
TimToady I generally only use it about one "plop" at a time
TimToady unless I really want a large endorphin kick
rindolf TimToady: LOL.
spinclad enjoy yr clear sinuses
rindolf TimToady+=5
rindolf "After Death"
rindolf Reminds me of that screensaver.
rindolf "After Hours"
vixey After Dark
vixey with the flying toasters?
rindolf vixey: yes, that's the one.
rindolf Also had a nice Looney Tunes one.
rindolf "I now proclaim this computer in the name of Mars!"
rindolf (Marvin the Martian)++
vixey they were cool
rindolf I recall something about wine being able to run Windows screensavers.
spinclad "where's the kaboom? there was meant to be a case-shattering kaboom."
rindolf XScreenSaver is a pre-Autoconf hell from what I understood.
Channel #perl6
Network Freenode
Tagline BASIC, Pugs and "After Death"

On the Internet

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Two female dogs talking about modern-life:

Jasmine: It’s so cool! On the Internet, no one knows you’re a dog!

Daisy: Yeah, but everyone can tell right away that you’re a bitch!

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

#perl6 about Lisp Mentality and Usability

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pmurias rindolf: what is Park/Spark?
rindolf pmurias: http://www.shlomifish.org/open-source/projects/Park-Lisp/
rindolf pmurias: it's still incomplete.
rindolf And I haven't updated it.
pmurias rindolf: if you like lisp/perl6 projects you might consider helping with a common lisp elf backend
rindolf pmurias: Common Lisp.
rindolf pmurias: thing is I think both CL and Scheme suck.
rindolf I like Lisp as a concept.
rindolf Arc is nice, but has too many implementation problems.
rindolf And missing features.
vixey Arc is not nice
rindolf I want to give a presentation to the Perl Mongers about "Foreign Languages: Lisp"
rindolf vixey: I like it.
rindolf Though I hate that "(not)" has become "(no)"
rindolf it's so non-English.
vixey it's just TCL with horrible syntax
rindolf vixey: but it's missing a lot of exciting features.
rindolf Which PG deemed as unnecessary.
rindolf Doesn't look like the 100-years language to me.
rindolf Which is why - Spark!
pmurias why not just write an s-expression p6 dialect?
rindolf pmurias: could be.
rindolf pmurias: it's another approach.
rindolf But some things make sense in Lisp and not in p6.
rindolf For example, Perl does not like to use + for string or list concat.
rindolf While Python does and it seems to be OK in Arc too.
rindolf And in CL you have (concatenate) (yuck!).
pbuetow (((hehe)))
pmurias + for strings sucks
Auzon seconded.
vixey rindolf: If you don't like CONCATENATE you can just rename it
rindolf vixey: yeah.
rindolf vixey: but I'd rather not rename concatenate because then people won't understand my code.
rindolf vixey: as TimToady said people hate abstractions.
vixey yes they will rindolf
rindolf They want things to work out of the box.
vixey A program is many many totally newly defined procedures
vixey just renaming one thing is nothing in the context of a big program
rindolf vixey: "let's spend 3 days creating a new language, and 1 day implementing the solution with it."
TimToady if it would take 10 days without the new language, it's worth it
rindolf TimToady: yeah.
rindolf TimToady: but this is the CL mentality.
vixey no it's not
rindolf Sometimes you can take 1 day to write an API.
vixey CL is too diverse you cannot generalize like that
rindolf vixey: I meant a common idiom there.
rindolf I think I'll /quit and do something productive.
rindolf Like work on Spark.
vixey another quote:
vixey how to write any computer program in two easy stages:
vixey Design and implement the programming language which would be best for solving the problem.
vixey Write the program in the language you’ve just implemented.
rindolf vixey: or just use Perl which is the best for everything.
vixey heh
TimToady the second step is obvious--the best language for the job is one that does the job on a null input
* pmichaud notes that vixey's algorithm is somewhat recursive
TimToady "All rules of thumb are false, including this one."
pmurias rindolf: when you feel like writing Common Lisp backends, contact me or mncharity ;)
Channel #perl6
Network Freenode
Tagline Lisp Dialects (Scheme, Common Lisp, Arc, Spark) Mentality and Usability

kilmo about the NSA

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[Discussing the shortage of IT workers as of 1998 on E-mail]

Shlomi Fish to Omer Zak: "Even the NSA doesn’t have enough programmers. But it is not likely that they will have more and that’s because ‘Summerschool at the NSA’ may might as well be the name of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s next movie."

Omer Zak to Shlomi Fish: "And as opposed to ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ it is going to be scary."

Kilmo: why would you like to make fun of the crypto world ? ;) The NSA does know what you did last summer. And by putting this on the web, they know that you know.

Which may lead to interesting philosophical issues. BTW, in a conference I was attending we were given a sticker saying: "NSA - free email backup".

They still have some issue with the retrieval procedures, but besides of that - they are quite a trusted service.

Shlomi Fish: In my case, I think every random joe can learn a lot about me. Even if he’s not in Google or the NSA or whatever.

Kilmo: Yep. but this is a world-wide service that they offer. (Along with several cooperations, like MI5/6).

Author Shlomi Fish and Kilmo
Work Aphorisms Collection

What are you Working on?

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Ran Eilam To Shlomi Fish: so what are you working on? Working on a new wiki about unit testing fortunes in freecell?

Author Ran Eilam
Work Jabber Conversation

My blog post got chromatic’d

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Well, despite the fact that I hardly publicised my last essay about the "Closed Books", it has been chromatic’d. Rumours are that all the bloggers whose blog posts/essays were deprecated on chromatic’s blog are now rich, famous and the object of the affection of many attractive members of the appropriate sex. Memo to self: prepare a limited edition T-shirt: "My blog post was chromatic’d. I pwn you as a blogger."

Author Shlomi Fish
Work "Dealing with Approval Addiction (and Implied Stress Periods)

Birth of an Editor

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Richard M. Stallman (RMS) decides to release his brand-new editor, "Emacs" on the CPAN with its first version 29.999.99. In order to package it, he invokes the trusty ol’ module-starter (see http://search.cpan.org/dist/Module-Starter/) which creates a skeleton of a CPAN distribution for him.

He fills in the skeleton with the actual code of Emacs, types "perl Build.PL", and "./Build test" and makes sure all the tests pass. Then he types "./Build config --gui" and gets a nice GUI to configure the various parameters of the Module meta-data.[M-B-Data]

In the GUI, Richard goes to the Trove categorisation tab, and selects categories. This is done in a similar way to Freshmeat’s project categorisation dialog (a list of options to the left, with selected options to the right and arrows to move them left or right, while allowing multiple select options.). He chooses such categories as "Programming Language :: Lisp", and "Intended Audience :: Emacs Users", "Operating System :: GNU", and "Topic :: Editors". (Note: I believe the category list should be fetched using a public web-service to keep them up-to-date.)

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Functional Spec for the CPAN Classification Proposal

Second Birth of an Editor

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After several weeks of having the editor on CPAN, Richard has received many patches, and wrote a lot of code on his own. Now Emacs is not only an editor but a calendar tool, an Eliza program, a web browser, a mail user agent and many other things.

So in order to release version 30.000.00 he needs to update the categorisation. He runs ./Build config --gui again, and adds more categories. However, he enters too many categories (because Emacs now does them all), and the GUI refuses to save the file because it will overflow the limit that the web-service specified the CPAN classification services allow to handle. So Richard keeps only the important categories, adds more tags, and saves it.

He then tests the distribution again, and uploads the new distribution to the CPAN.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Functional Spec for the CPAN Classification Proposal

Microsoft Editing Macros

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Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft decides to use Richard Stallman’s Emacs as the basis of his company’s state-of-the-art product Microsoft Editing Macros™ Enterprise Edition XP .NET Professional. However since MS Editing Macros™ is a commercial, proprietary program which he intends to sell at computer stores, Bill is not going to upload it to the CPAN. He builds upon Emacs, sends patches to Richard and learns a lot about it.

When he’s finished building Microsoft Editing Macros™ he surfs to the Emacs homepage on CPAN, and adds some categories and tags of his own.

Eventually, enough people like Bill tag and categorise Emacs, and it gains more classification.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Functional Spec for the CPAN Classification Proposal

Looking Back at Your Old Habits

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rindolf "Who's the idiot that wrote this code?"
rindolf That's what many people say when looking at their old code.
jkauffman "I can't believe I used to listen to this crap"
jkauffman that's what people say when they look back at their old music collection
rindolf jkauffman: I don't usually.
rindolf jkauffman: I am however, a bit ashamed of some of the shows I liked when I was younger.
rindolf jkauffman: they seem a bit cheesy now.
jkauffman yes, you're onto such better things now that you can fully appreciate the gilmore girls
rindolf jkauffman: you can never really appreciate The Gilmore Girls until you've watched it in the original Klingon.
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Looking Back at Your Old Habits

Really Extreme Programming

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rindolf cl0ud: what's up?
cl0ud rindolf: just getting ready for work on this drizzly day
cl0ud rindolf: and feeling great
cl0ud rindolf: you?
rindolf cl0ud: sending an email to the Extreme Programming mailing list.
ik xtreme
ik rindolf: tell them that in order to be truly extreme, they need to ditch their pair-programming buddy system and start programming with spent ammunition and unexploded shells
rindolf ik: heh.
rindolf Extremist Programming
ik haha
rindolf Ik-stremist Programming.
ik :o
ispy_ What about Psycho Coding?
ispy_ :)
ispy_ PSYCoder <--- cool name for an editor :)
cl0ud Psychaudit <- memory tester
rindolf Neuraudit
ispy_ Hahah
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Really Extreme Programming

"You should shoot me"

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Larry: final exams are on Tuesday and through Friday, so you won’t see me for a while, or if you do - then you should shoot me.

Shlomi: I Will shoot you with my cross-intertubes-laser-gun.

Larry: HAHAHA.

Shlomi: Which I don’t have.

Larry: Which network topology will you implement, for better accuracy ?

Shlomi: I’ll just depend on the standard TCP/IP routing. Overlay the laser on top of the TCP packets.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work IM Chat with Larry

God gave us…

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God gave us two eyes and ten fingers so we will type five times as much as we read.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

Only wimps complain about bad code

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Only wimps complain about bad code. Real men clean it up.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

Wikipedia has…

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Wikipedia has a page about everything including the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitchen_sink .

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

Hack, hack, hack…

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shlomif: hack, hack, hack ; save ; make ; make test; commit. And start over.

mrjink:hack, hack, hack; save; make; swear; fix typos; save; make; make test; swear some more; hack some more; save; make; make test; cheer; commit.

meep: hack, make, test, segfault, oh noes, revert to previous revision

Author Shlomi Fish and Others
Work On Plurk.

Threat vs. Warning

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Well, it’s not a threat - it’s a warning, and he won’t be harmed much by acting against my advice. A threat is something like "Stop posting political posts or I will burn your house, rape your wife and daughters, banish you to the middle of Antarctica, convert all your Perl code to PHP, and then post it on thedailywtf.com."

Regarding what you say that "no one cares if you unsubscribe", then this reminds me of what Fred Brooks says in "The Mythical Man-Month": "How does a project becomes late? One day at a time.". If you’re not careful, you might lose a large percent of your blog’s readership, one subscriber at a time.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work use.perl.org comment

Take that to a different channel

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metaperl_work thank you
metaperl_work nothingmuch, i want to chat with you on kiokudb
rindolf Hi metaperl_work
confound you should chat with him on #kiokudb then
mst metaperl_work: you mean "about kiokudb"
metaperl_work rindolf, hi! long time no see
rindolf metaperl_work: yes.
metaperl_work we are talking in #kiokudb confound
rindolf metaperl_work: what have you been up to?
confound no, this is #moose!
metaperl_work confound, "we" = me and yuval
metaperl_work rindolf, well.... keeping Seamstress up to date
rindolf metaperl_work: yuval and I.
jhannah In related news: i'm chatting on my mobile phone
metaperl_work Moose is saving my life... SUPER handy
metaperl_work jhannah, what type of mobile phone?
rindolf metaperl_work: what is Seamstress?
purl Seamstress is really nothing anyway
confound it's on cpan
jhannah metaperl_work: please take that question to #jhannah_phones
mst jhannah++
stevan jhannah: which network, there doesnt seem to be anyone there
nothingmuch i think buffy might be a closet lesbian
* stevan HAS TO KNOW!!!!
stevan nothingmuch: duh
nothingmuch stevan: i think you kinda missed the joke =P
stevan take that to #closet-lesbian-vampire-slayers
jhannah i get jokes
rindolf stevan: LOL. stevan++
dhoss jhannah++
jhannah stevan: i have hundreds of invisible groupies in dozens of #jhannah_* channels. they are well trained to be quiet when interlopers lope in
Channel #moose
Network MAGNet
Tagline Take that to a different channel

Do you speak French?

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rindolf uwd: what's up?
rindolf BTW, how has English become the official language of Singapore?
Altreus Viral marketing
uwd singapore has four official languages.
uwd one national one.
uwd also, politics.
uwd also, see wikipedia.
Altreus it knows all
Altreus [citation needed]
ik rindolf: it's a byproduct of the Richard Nixon / Henry Ford's campaign for chief taxonomist of western Nepal
rindolf http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Languages_of_Singapore
ik (a coveted position)
Altreus taxonomist!
rindolf Wikpedia has an article about everything including the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitchen_sink
Altreus They are in charge of taxis!
Altreus disambiguation pages make me sad :(
ik I like the disambiguity!
rindolf ik: heh
uwd i like disambiguation pages. they say "this thing you seek... it is not only one thing, you see? no, no, mon ami, this world, she is too big to contain only one of everything, eh?"
Altreus :D you talk like dee
uwd what.
Altreus wat
Altreus That message you said in French could have been typed by dee!
Altreus except it was you.
Altreus you doubleyou dee
uwd it was in English, actually.
Altreus okay
Altreus But it had some French in it
Altreus !
ik Two words! Four, if you count "no". Twice.
rindolf Yes, it sounded French to me too.
Altreus no is not french
rindolf non is.
Altreus oui!
Altreus elle n'a pas dit non
rindolf In any case saying "She" of the world is also a Frenchism.
rindolf Je ne sais pas.
ik But it's not french
rindolf Parlez vous anglais?
uwd it is also a generic Euroism.
Altreus oui
Altreus England is Europe too :(
uwd so not that French.
pkrumins Je m'appelle Pierre
rindolf pkrumins: heh.
pkrumins Je suis 24 ans!
Altreus Gods, the number of times I got contradicted at school for knowing that England was in Europe
pkrumins Je h'abite Riga
uwd Altreus: dude, given that was mostly English, i don't see why the sadface.
rindolf Tu s'appelle Peteris
Altreus it's no wonder stupid people make me violent
pkrumins Je'abite
rindolf pkrumins: not en Riga?
pkrumins maybe
rindolf or de Riga?
Altreus uwd: hmm
rindolf J'abite, non?
Altreus I seem to sadface a lot more than is necessary due to how I'm never actually sad
pkrumins Oui.
Altreus rindolf: habite
pkrumins Je monger a macdo.
Altreus il y a un h
pkrumins Je travailler on ordinator
pkrumins a programmator.
pkrumins Oui.
Altreus en!
Altreus probably au tbh
Altreus but a l' because vowel
uwd l'ordinator?
Altreus And travaille is the first-person present participle
Altreus And -eur
Altreus But mostly right!
uwd why -eur?
* Altreus pats pkrumins on the back
Altreus ordinateur
pkrumins tehe.
pkrumins jadone chats
Altreus I wonder if a pink one is an ordinateuse
pkrumins (or was it chiens)
uwd it's so much easier to say she and mon ami and have people think it's french than actually speak french...
pkrumins i think chats
pkrumins j'adore chats
pkrumins jaim a perl chat
Shiyiya jain n'est pas un mot
Shiyiya *jaim
Altreus j'aime
Shiyiya aussi jadone n'est pas un mot
pkrumins hmm
pkrumins pawings
pkrumins all i can say
rindolf pkrumins: chien is a dog.
rindolf I think.
Shiyiya Ues, chien is dog
Shiyiya *Yes
rindolf chat
rindolf chatte for feminine
rindolf http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/cat
Channel #perl-cats
Network Freenode
Tagline How good is your French?

What does IDK stand for?

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What does "IDK" stand for? I don’t know.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

PHP Error Debug List

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PHP error debug list:

1) did you use the correct argument order? if you’re a good programmer, use the *reverse* from what you think it is. see if it works. no? you’re not a good programmer, or you learned php’s braindeadness and can go on to step 2).

2) did you think about your code? if so, don’t. php will do it for you so you can do mindbogglingly stupid stuff, such as not escape the data that goes into your sql queries.

Author Dazjorz
Work MSN Conversation between Dazjorz and Shlomi Fish

More Geek Facts about Chuck Norris

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Su-Shee rindolf: yes, I played with Squeak a little and yes I'd like a vim clone written in perl.
Makoryu Why isn't there one already, then?
Makoryu (A vim clone in Perl)
Su-Shee good question. there's one in javascript :)
rindolf Su-Shee: actually , it's a vi clone.
rindolf Writing a vi clone is much easier than writing a vim clone.
rindolf Just like writing a Scheme clone is much easier than writing a Perl 6 implementation.
rindolf Unless you're Chuck Norris.
Su-Shee rindolf: darn.. he already wrote a vim in perl6?
moritz_ no, he scared K&R into writing it ;-)
rindolf Su-Shee: Chuck Norris is the ghost author of the entire Debian GNU/Linux distribution.
rindolf Su-Shee: and he wrote it in 24 hours, while taking snack breaks.
Su-Shee rindolf: yes, I know - he published slackware under the pseudonym patrick volkerding...
rindolf Chuck Norris read the entire Wikipedia. Twice.
araujo the second time includes fixing all its errors
moritz_ but he didn't commmit his changes, it seems
rindolf moritz_: heh.
rindolf LOL.
araujo Chuck Norris doesn't commit changes, the changes commit for him
araujo :)
rindolf Code is too scared of Chuck to be wrong.
rindolf It is generated right in the first time.
rindolf Bugs are too afraid to reproduce on Chuck Norris' computer.
Su-Shee .o(I see a chuck norris release on the horizon... ;)
rindolf Su-Shee: :-)
Su-Shee we could ask chuck norris if he's willing to promote the star release.. ;)) (which probably kill the entire internet due to laughter.. :)
araujo Perl 6 - A Chuck Norris like language
dukeleto Chuck Norris has actually been using Perl 6 since 1987, and has been waiting for Larry to play catch-up. :)
rindolf dukeleto: LOL.
rindolf Perl 6 - Kicks ass like Chuck.
Su-Shee rakudo - chuck's choice ;)
Su-Shee well, camelia and chuck norris go well together. ;)
rindolf OK.
rindolf Of course everybody know Chuck Norris is a real programmer.
rindolf He designs machines by combining individual atoms.
rindolf Using his thought.
rindolf Atoms obey Chuck Norris.
Su-Shee rindolf: you obviously have been starved and deprived of super hero comics in your childhood :)
Channel #perl6
Network Freenode
Tagline What you could assume was true about Chuck Norris

Give me ASCII

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Give me ASCII or give me deaþ!

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

Technion Ways

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In the Technion, there are many ways to get from one place to the other, but they are all the same length.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

Sjors the Awayer

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shlomif Hi Sjors the Awayer!
sjors Hi Shlomi the, uh
sjors Onliner! :P
shlomif I am not an Awayer!
shlomif I am a free man.
shlomif Onlinerer, heh.
shlomif Touche.
sjors ;)
sjors or is Awayer some kind of Hebrew word?
shlomif No, it's not.
shlomif It's pig-English for someone who is Away.
shlomif We don't have a "w" sound in modern Hebrew (replaced by "v" a-la-German) but most Israelis have no problems pronouncing it.
shlomif I have problems pronouncing th (maths) and dh (there).
shlomif Even though they did exist in Ancient Hebrew.
sjors many Dutch people have problems saying th too
sjors earth
sjors they say it eart
shlomif Ah.
sjors I tink
shlomif I say it ers
shlomif Heh.
shlomif You seem to be in a funny mood too.
sjors I tink you are dere
sjors hehe
shlomif How's school?
sjors I've been feeling great lately :)
shlomif But OTOH you're a funny guy, anyway.
shlomif I think Zuu from ##programming is the comedian king of Denmark.
sjors haha
shlomif J/K.
shlomif I know many Israelis who are funnier than me IRL.
shlomif Or maybe also online.
sjors I know many Dutch people funnier than me
shlomif Ah.
shlomif IRL?
sjors And online, I think
sjors Meh
sjors I've been playing openttd
sjors but those damn trains
sjors are SO STUBBORN
shlomif Well, no offence, but you're not the funniest person online.
sjors it's annoying me
shlomif I've known.
shlomif Sometimes trolls can be funny.
shlomif Larry Wall seems a bit less funny on IRC than on Usenet or E-mail.
shlomif But he's not always funny.
shlomif IRL, he's really funny.
shlomif He gives funny presentations.
sjors I don't have the place in ottd to *force* them to do the right thing, but they do stuff like making 90 degree corners, stopping three other trains in their tracks, just because it's like a millisecond shorter than the other route
shlomif Though I think they always get more serious towards the end.
sjors hm :)
shlomif Is it a commercial game?
sjors OpenTTD?
shlomif I once gave a lightning talk about Template Toolkit and people laughed at the same slide twice , because I gave it twice due to a presentation equipment.
shlomif Ah.
shlomif The Open says everything.
sjors yep :)
shlomif I once gave a lightning talk about Template Toolkit and people laughed at the same slide twice , because I gave it twice due to a presentation equipment SNAFU*.
shlomif Gotta love Ctrl+Up.
shlomif Gotta love Ctrl+Up.
shlomif I think we've been there, though.
sjors hehe
shlomif Old joke.
sjors Didn't know it
shlomif I told you about it a long time ago.
shlomif It was you I think.
shlomif And then we did a session of two messages in a row.
shlomif ETOOMUCHINFORMATION
shlomif ETOOLITTLEKNOWLEDGE
shlomif ETOOHARDTOREADACRONYMS
sjors ah
sjors :P
shlomif EPLEASEUSESOMESPACES
shlomif EIWISHWEWEREUSINGSEXPRS
sjors ENOSPACEBARDETECTED?
shlomif You know what S-exprsessions are, right?
shlomif Indeed. No space bar.
shlomif Gotta press alt+032
shlomif Or something.
sjors hmm
sjors I don't have a numeric keypad
shlomif Ah.
shlomif Mac O Sucks.
shlomif Mac O Sucky Computers.
shlomif No offence, I hope.
sjors MUCH OFFENSE TAKEN!
sjors Hands off my Mac! ;)
shlomif It's mine! All mine!
shlomif My precioussssssssssss.
shlomif I'll make a fortune out of this conversation, I think.
Channel #sjors-and-rindolf
Network MSN Messnenger
Tagline Sjors the Awayer

Reflections on Trusting Documentation

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whoppix Quick git question, perhaps someone knows the answer: I have a file in my git tree (locally and in the repository), but I want git to ignore the file completely, i.e. git is not to touch the file on the filesystem by updating it or merging local changes into the repostiroy
rindolf whoppix: you can use .gitignore
rindolf I think
whoppix rindolf, hmm, good idea, thanks.
whoppix that was slow.
whoppix rindolf, hm, I think git update-index --assume-unchanged is what I need.
whoppix .gitignore is only for untracked files
rindolf whoppix: OK, have no clue what that is.
rindolf Git is so complicated.
rindolf And so opaque
whoppix rindolf, me neither, but the doc tells me to use that.
rindolf whoppix: can you believe the docs?
rindolf The docs may be lying.
rindolf Don't trust the docs.
rindolf Don't trust anything.
rindolf You're all alone.
rindolf It's you against the machine.
rindolf When in doubt, use the source code.
rindolf Not some sissy documentation.
whoppix right
whoppix I'll have some of what you've been smoking
rindolf whoppix: I'm 100% clean.
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Reflections on trusting documentation

Emulating cats on #jquery

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→ruby_on_tails has joined #jquery
* rindolf removes ruby_on_tails off his tail and meows.
* ruby_on_tails throws his paws at rindolf and scratches his face
rindolf Fight!
* rindolf hisses at ruby_on_tails
* rindolf curves his back.
* rindolf is not a cat, he thinks, so why does he says that?
rindolf On the Internet, no one knows you're a cat.
* ruby_on_tails deep-scratches rindolf's ass
rindolf Is there a word for a female cat.
rindolf ruby_on_tails: truce?
ruby_on_tails tiger b-)
ruby_on_tails B-)
rindolf ruby_on_tails: all felines are friends.
rindolf We must be united against our common enemy.
rindolf Dogs or whatever.
* ruby_on_tails unites all breeds of cats against rindolf
rindolf ruby_on_tails: I am not the cats' no. 1 enemy.
ruby_on_tails you are :P
rindolf ruby_on_tails: heh.
ruby_on_tails lol
rindolf ruby_on_tails: :-)
rindolf "Cats of the world - unite!"
ruby_on_tails they are already united
ruby_on_tails Andy-: ajax form submission
rindolf ruby_on_tails++ # Despite being a cat god in an awfully bad mood.
ruby_on_tails :P
rindolf "Ceiling cat is watching you."
rindolf ruby_on_tails: I totally dig the lolcat web-cartoons.
rindolf I derive a sick pleasure from them.
ruby_on_tails I just watch tom n jerry
rindolf Well, not really sick.
rindolf ruby_on_tails: tom is kinda stupid.
rindolf He's the cat, right?
ruby_on_tails yea
ruby_on_tails but he's got determination till the end :>
rindolf There's also Rita and Runt (sp?) in Animaniacs.
rindolf Rita is a smart cat.
Channel #jquery
Network Freenode
Tagline Felines of the world - unite!

English Spelling

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English spelling aims to be consistent. Publicly and methodically.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

Virtual Money

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shlomif BTW, have you read my stories yet?
Sjors I haven’t
shlomif Ah.
shlomif "If you read my stories, I’ll give you 1,000,000 virtual dollars."
Sjors Causing me to have a lot of extra virtual time!
shlomif And be virtually rich.
shlomif And then you can virtually bribe virtual politicians.
shlomif And buy a lot of virtual goods.
shlomif LOL.
Sjors Then, I’d be virtually happy
Sjors Too bad... :P
shlomif It’s a virtual win-win situation.
shlomif You can hire many virtual programmers to write a lot of virtual code for KMess.
shlomif "My old virtual dad used to say to me: ‘virtual money does not bring you virtual happiness, my virtual son.’"
Channel Shlomi Fish and Sjors
Network MSN
Tagline Virtual money.

Top vs. Bottom Posting

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TDDPirate Shlomi_Fish and me engaged in a religious argument - top posting vs. bottom posting.
TDDPirate What is your side (Pepy)?
Pepy hmm
Pepy bottom posting
Pepy i guess
Pepy well,guess bottom posting is winning then
Shlomi_Fish Heh.
TDDPirate Pepy: may you be damned, filthy heretic! TOP POSTING IS THE ONE AND ONLY TRUE WAY ! ! ! !
Shlomi_Fish TDDPirate: you are past redemption, you archangel of evil!
TDDPirate Shlomi_Fish: not to speak of your vile and wicked bottom posting ways!
Pepy so
Pepy go go bottom posting
Shlomi_Fish Pepy: that’s the way to go.
TDDPirate The way to go - if you want to be DOOMED! TO! ETERNAL! FIRES! OF! HELL!
Shlomi_Fish Top posting is for the weak and timid! I will challenge all top-posters to a Batelath contest for undermining the HONOUR of the entire Klingon race!
TDDPirate Don’t dare to defile the honor of the honorable Klingon Race by dragging them into this argument!
Pepy Sujatlh ‘e’ yImev TodSaH!
Shlomi_Fish Pepy: nice klingon.
Pepy thanks shlomi
TDDPirate Is this Klingon? And if yes, what does this mean?
Pepy yes it is
Pepy and it means “shut up geeks”
Shlomi_Fish Pepy: I may be a geek, but I’m a true klingon geek-warrior!
TDDPirate Nice use of the language, Pepy.
Shlomi_Fish And a true Klingon geek warrior ALWAYS bottom-posts.
Pepy no no,true Klingons have power to change quoted tops
TDDPirate Pepy: do you mean that Klingons have the power to defile and make filthy of sacred E-mail messages?
Pepy no,but they’re used to “edit” history
Pepy ah, when they ask me how the hell I managed to write so good band propositions
Pepy I’ll tell em,the secret is to chat with geeks about top vs bottom posting
Channel Shlomi Fish, TDDPirate and Pepy
Network MSN
Tagline Bottom vs. Top Posting.

FOSS Versioning

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d3x btw, you can do mplayer -dumpaudio -dumpfile file.mp3
d3x no need to reencode
rindolf This -dumpfile is a nice trick.
rindolf Is it new?
rindolf I wonder when mplayer will hit 1.0 already.
rindolf Ah.
rindolf All the stuff I saw told me to use WAV and then encode.
d3x mplayer and 1.0? i'm not really sure it's their goal
rindolf They will stay at 1.0RC-foo forever?
d3x although i would be glad if they had some sensible versioning
rindolf Yes.
rindolf At the moment perl-Mojolicious is at 0.999924.
rindolf At least perl-Moose hit 1.00
d3x lol
rindolf Without any substantial changes from 0.99.
rindolf But you've got to upgrade somehow.
rindolf perl-Moose is MDV/RH notation, but I like it.
d3x imo it's just stupid not to release 1.0
rindolf I dislike libmoose-perl
rindolf Yes.
d3x wine did so and now they have normal versioning
rindolf Though most of my CPAN modules are sub-1.0.
rindolf http://search.cpan.org/~shlomif/
rindolf I think except for one module (where I used 0.2.0 0.4.0 and eventually hit 0.8.0 and had to go to 1.000) all my 1.0 and above modules are adopted.
d3x they are sub-1.0, but they are not 0.9.999.2010.03.11-rc5
d3x :)
rindolf One of them used the CVS revisions as versions.
rindolf d3x : LOL.
rindolf Yes.
rindolf d3x: can I quote you on that?
d3x i say it's stupid to make releases up to 0.9.something and then not to release 1.0
rindolf I collect quotes on my homepage.
d3x sure you can
rindolf At the moment I have freecell-solver-2.42.0
rindolf But I hope the new release will be 3.0.0
d3x the one that was bought by freecell enterprise? :D
rindolf I've left GNOME and gtk+/glib behind.
rindolf d3x yes.
rindolf Freecell Solver Enterprises™ Inc.
rindolf Ah, so you've seen that.
d3x yes, you posted a link on #debian
rindolf Yes.
rindolf You should add a digest to the version.
rindolf 0.9.999.2010.03.11-rc5-adc83b19e793491b1c6ea0fd8b46cd9f32e592fc
d3x lol
rindolf In case you're using git or hg.
Channel private conversation
Network Freenode
Tagline d3x and Shlomi Fish (rindolf) about FOSS Versioning

Not a bug on #offtopic on OFTC

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rindolf sarnold: you go to OGI?
sarnold rindolf: no; but my boss and a co-worker are professors there, and other co-workers earned degrees there..
rindolf sarnold: OK.
muli sarnold, have you got one of those pesky things?
sarnold muli: just Bachelor of Arts .. no Masters or Ph.D...
rindolf sarnold: B.Sc or B.A.?
muli rindolf, Bachelor of Arts is B.A.
rindolf muli: I know. But I was just checking.
sarnold rindolf: ah, you’re right, B.Sc.. I chickened out on the language requirements :)
rindolf muli: see?? LOL.
muli rindolf, sometimes, two bugs cancel each other.
rindolf muli: wisely spoken.
rindolf But mine wasn’t a bug - it was a sanity check.
Channel #offtopic
Network OFTC
Tagline Not a bug

#ruby-lang and #ruby

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rindolf Hi all.
rindolf Why are there both #ruby and #ruby-lang ?
erikh mmm
erikh some questions
erikh you know
erikh they're best not asked :)
rindolf erikh: "The first rule of the fight club is you don't talk about the fight club."
erikh pretty much.
raggi no, you punch them in the face until they get the message
erikh raggi: haha. hi man.
Judofyr The first rule of #ruby-lang is you don't talk about #ruby.
Channel #ruby-lang
Network Freenode
Tagline #ruby-lang and #ruby

How to market your Rails Book?

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Radar and on a completely unrelated note
Radar http://ryanbigg.com/2011/04/rails-3-1-in-action
rindolf Radar: I know it's rehearsed, but I prefer reading dark on bright rather than the opposite.
rindolf Radar: let me see if there's an alternate stylesheet.
Radar rindolf: Command+Option+Control+8
workmad3 heh
rindolf Radar: I'm not on a Mac.
Radar rindolf: then whatever the shortcut is for you to invert your screen.
rindolf Radar: Firefox 4.0 on Mandriva Linux Cooker on an old P4-2.4GHz.
rindolf Radar: yeah....
rindolf Radar: that way XChat and Pidgin will be in technicolour.
workmad3 Radar: so, once you've gotten Rails 3.1 in Action out, are you going to be going for Rails 3.2 in Action on Windows?
rindolf Well, I applied a no-stylesheet.
Radar workmad3: Rails 3.2 in Action on Windows(r) 7(tm) actually.
workmad3 Radar: I'll reserve my copy now :D
rindolf Radar: good luck with that.
rindolf Radar: will the book be available online for free view/download?
workmad3 rindolf: a windows book? for free?
workmad3 are you crazy???
rindolf workmad3: Windows?
rindolf workmad3: it's about Rails.
Radar rindolf: no it will cost money
rindolf Radar: ah, OK. :-(
workmad3 Rails 3.2 In Action on Windows(r) 7(tm)
workmad3 it'll cost big bucks!!
rindolf workmad3: heh.
rindolf Ultimate Premium.
Radar Yes, I'm going to spend a year of my life writing a book and then release it for free, yay
Radar how about no?
workmad3 Radar: don't forget the Enterprise Rails 3.2 on Windows In Action 7(tw)
workmad3 you can charge double for that one... it has enterprise in the title!
Radar workmad3: how did you know about the third installment of the trilogy?! only Yehuda and I know of that
workmad3 Radar: I'm really yehuda in disguise
workmad3 dammit... I should have waited 25 mins to reveal that...
rindolf Radar: well, I'm now working on an EPUB of http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/TheEnemy/ but DocBook/XML is giving me some grief in generating a valid EPUB.
rindolf I think I'll fix the EPUB manually.
rindolf I'll have to study the EPUB format.
rindolf Radar: it's a story - not a technical book.
rindolf Radar: http://perl-begin.org/ - this took me several years to work on (well not 100% of the time) and it's mostly CC-by.
workmad3 rindolf: who'd pay for stuff on perl though? :P
rindolf workmad3: you'd be surprised.
workmad3 rindolf: I doubt it
rindolf workmad3: I think chromatic's latest "Modern Perl" book was a smashing success.
workmad3 my sense of surprise has been surgically removed
rindolf workmad3: even though it was available online the whole time.
rindolf workmad3: but Perl is a bit passé and established.
rindolf Radar: people will torrent your book/etc.
workmad3 also, I think I need to colour my sarcastic text differently
rindolf workmad3: ah, OK.
workmad3 or maybe just my non-sarcastic text
rindolf chromatic did an awesome job.
workmad3 would probably be easier
rindolf Use <sarcasm> ... </sarcasm>
workmad3 too much typing
rindolf Human XML.
rindolf Write an IRC client macro for that.
workmad3 I'll just put <nonsarcasm> when I'm not being sarcastic
rindolf Heh.
workmad3 assume that previous one was escaped
rindolf XSS!
rindolf 1+1 = 2. [citation needed]
rindolf I like this channel.
rindolf But I admit I'm not big into rails.
workmad3 it doesn't like you
workmad3 it's looking at you funny
workmad3 muttering under it's breath
workmad3 :P
rindolf Most of my sites are hosted on something which I don't care what it runs or alternatively static HTML sites.
rindolf workmad3: :-)
rindolf I'm so making a fortune out of this conversation.
rindolf workmad3: have you ever considered being a stand-up comedian?
workmad3 rindolf: nah... I'm too lazy
rindolf workmad3: ah.
workmad3 rindolf: if I could sit down while doing it, I'd be a millionaire :P
rindolf workmad3: heh.
rindolf workmad3: more like a milliardaire.
Channel #rubyonrails
Network Freenode
Tagline workmad3 drives Radar and rindolf mad.

Aleena’s Little Perl Boys

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Diablo-D3 Feminists
Diablo-D3 So anti-womans rights douchebags.
rindolf Diablo-D3: well, I don't know too much about how feminism relates to the global women-lib movement.
rindolf I do know I kinda hate feminazis, which I consider a subset of feminists.
Diablo-D3 It's a bunch of women who are pissed than other women are getting dicked more often than them.
rindolf Diablo-D3: heh.
Diablo-D3 So they "hate" men, but secretly want to be tied to a bed and boned repeatedly.
Lady_Aleena Diablo-D3, please don't lump me in that group.
Diablo-D3 Lady_Aleena: thats up to you, not me
Diablo-D3 I do not create feminists, I only laugh at them
rindolf Lady_Aleena: I don't think you're a feminazi.
rindolf Lady_Aleena: you're really cool.
rindolf Lady_Aleena: at least on IRC.
Lady_Aleena Thanks... :)
Lady_Aleena Though I still want to break a guy's fingers.
rindolf Lady_Aleena: and don't take what Diablo-D3 says seriously.
Lady_Aleena I try to keep an open mind.
Diablo-D3 rindolf: hey now
rindolf Lady_Aleena: well, you or I can want to kill some people and it's OK as long as we don't actually do it.
Lady_Aleena rindolf, NOT kill, maim.
Diablo-D3 any woman who tries to take away the rights of other women should be flogged in the town square.
Lady_Aleena One can not change the mind of the dead.
Lady_Aleena However, one can change the minds of the maimed.
rindolf Lady_Aleena: in one of my stories (still work in progress), the protagonist wants to punch her boyfriend, but she knows better than that and so just goes away frustrated.
rindolf Lady_Aleena: let me translate that part to English.
Diablo-D3 rindolf: thats boring!
rindolf Diablo-D3: :-)
Lady_Aleena She should have kneed him in the nuts.
rindolf Diablo-D3: maybe she should shoot him with a bazooka.
Diablo-D3 Clearly the chick should hit the guy, the guy should hit back, and then they should have wild sex.
rindolf Diablo-D3: it's in public.
Lady_Aleena UH! S&M!
Lady_Aleena rindolf, the best place.
rindolf Diablo-D3: it's actually an anti-thesis to a lot of Hollywoodian stuff.
rindolf Lady_Aleena: to have wild sex?
Lady_Aleena rindolf, sure, why not?
Lady_Aleena A dom makes her sub perform sexual acts on demand, no matter the place. If insufficient the sub is flogged.
Lady_Aleena s/A dom/A dom, with no inhibitions,/;
* Lady_Aleena giggles.
Lady_Aleena I think I just sent 2 men running for their mommies.
Diablo-D3 no, we're too busy fapping.
Lady_Aleena Good.
Lady_Aleena Good little perl boy…
Diablo-D3 lol
Diablo-D3 evil Lady_Aleena
Lady_Aleena Bad perl boy, no cookies...
* Lady_Aleena is now known as Mistress_Aleena
rindolf Mistress_Aleena: heh.
* Mistress_Aleena laughs.
rindolf Well, that scene continues.
rindolf In the balcony.
rindolf They end up making out.
rindolf I can translate more I guess.
Mistress_Aleena No need.
rindolf Mistress_Aleena: maybe you should be Madame_Aleena
* Mistress_Aleena is now known as Madame_Aleena
rindolf I wonder if I should make a fortune out of this conversation.
rindolf It's a bit Rish instead of PG-13ish.
Madame_Aleena little rindolf, go for the X.
rindolf http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motion_Picture_Association_of_America_film_rating_system
rindolf Madame_Aleena: X!
rindolf X marks the spot.
rindolf X-Windows.
Madame_Aleena Yes it does, little rindolf.
rindolf Maybe you should be Hotbabe_Aleena
rindolf Madame_Aleena: BTW, did you register Mistress_Aleena and Madame_Aleena ?
Madame_Aleena Yes.
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Go for the X.

Star Trek: We, the Living Dead - Katie Meets Moses

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Shlomo: Mosheh, remember I told you about Katie?

Mosheh: oh yeah! She looks cute when she’s angry.

Katie: Moses, right?

Mosheh: that’s right.

Katie: well, in case you have any interest in me, I should note that I have a policy against getting involved with people who are 4 times my senior or more.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Star Trek: “We, the Living Dead”

The One with the Fountainhead: Dinosaur

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Ross: I can’t believe he could not tell the other guy wasn’t really a dinosaur.

Chandler: Well, cartoon characters usually have a difficulty seeing through disguises.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The One with the Fountainhead (Part 1)

The One with the Fountainhead: Joey Reading the Fountainhead

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Ross: You’ve already read it (= the Fountainhead)?

Joey: Yeah [puts the book down]. I was in acting school, and the guys decided to throw a discussion on it. So, I decided that I’ll read the book so I can make a good impression on the ladies if y’know what I mean…

Rachel: Yep, we know what you mean.

Monica: So, did you get laid that night?

Joey: No. I spent the entire night discussing The Fountainhead. [pause] Interesting book.

Chandler: Must have been one of the most stimulating nights of your life.

Joey: Not quite as much as the next night.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The One with the Fountainhead (Part 1)

The One with the Fountainhead: Would you write the Fountainhead today the same way?

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Joey: Hey, know what we can do, so I can get prepared for the audition? Let’s role-play our own version of "The Fountainhead".

Rachel: Our own version? Why would we want to write our own version of it! This book is great.

The others: "Yes." "One of the best books I ever read." "Can’t get better than this"

Joey: Come on, if you wanted to write it today, would you write the same book?

[Silence.]

Phoebe: Well, for one thing: didn’t it bother you that Dominique Francon, the main female character, didn’t do anything in the best years of her life, except like… sleeping with people?

Ross: yeah. All the characters in fact do nothing in the 20’s and 30’s, except maybe build a couple of buildings.

Joey: If you ask me: the book is too slow-paced for the 90’s. I mean, in the 60’s it may have worked but we’re in the information age now.

Ross: Joey, "The Fountainhead" was written in 1943.

Joey: Yeah, but it was still good enough in the 60’s right? OK: our own version of "The Fountainhead" - here’s what I think it should look like

Author Shlomi Fish
Work The One with the Fountainhead (Part 1)

Humanity: Civilization

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Voice: Earth - the initial frontier. Somewhere in the depths of space, on a remote planet you know as Earth, came up a relatively uncommon phenomenon: Civilization. What it means is that intelligent,

[A text on the screen with a beep - (?)]

Voice: conscious

[A text on the screen with the same beep - (?)]

Voice: Stop it!

[A text on the screen with a different beep - (!)]

Voice: Like I said, intelligent, conscious, people formed cities and countries, with a technology that became more and more advanced in time.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Humanity - The Movie

Rap to the Spam

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Mike “The Mouse” House (a.k.a “D.J. Salinger”) was a minor rap artist, and a computer geek when he decided to start selling CDs of open-source software. He turned to spamming to publicise his business, but found out that the spam he sent was trapped by most spam traps. He decided to use the notorious obscured image spam, but since he had a few blind friends, decided to also include an audio recording of a rap song with the spam message.

House received a few offers from his spam campaign, but his real break came when a few enthusiasts of the spam song shared it on the Internet, where it became an instant hit. The song eventually hit the charts and MTV, and made D.J. Salinger famous, who quickly released his first successful album called Rap to the spam, Ma’am!, with such highly acclaimed hits as “Rap to not get trapped” and “He ain’t Nigerian. He’s a Spammer!”.

As a millionaire, House decided to donate some of his money back to sponsoring open-source projects, and has donated 100,000’s of U.S. Dollars to such causes as the Free Software Foundation, Linux International and SpamAssassin. “If it hadn’t been for them, I wouldn’t have made it big”, he said, and said he’s now working on a second album with a similar theme.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work “Spam for Everyone” - The Internationl Campaign for Accessible Spam

I promised, I forgot…

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I promised, I forgot, I did not keep my promise — just shoot me, and get on with it!

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Original Philosopher

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An original philosopher knows the right combination of ideas to steal.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

To err is human

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  • To err is human - to apologise - divine.
  • To have bugs is human - to fix them - divine.
  • To have bugs is human - to find them - divine.
Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

I might be mad

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I might be mad. But I’m a mad genius.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

If God exists…

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If God exists and is the ego-maniacal, sadistic and helpless creature that is described in the Old Testament, then we’re in deep trouble.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Mathematical Riddle

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Sophie: Let’s suppose you have a table with 2^n cups…
Jack: Wait a second - is ‘n’ a natural number?

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Significance of Being 18

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A kid always wishes they were older until they are 18. Afterwards, they always wish they were younger.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Sorting the Dishes

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Shlomi’s Father: If you don’t sort the dishwasher, the dishwasher won’t be sorted.

Shlomi: No, it won’t be sorted by me.

Shlomi’s Father: No, it won’t be sorted at all. We will throw away the dishwasher.

Together: Along with all the dishes.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish’s Aphorisms Collection

Your Programming Language Must Suck

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All languages of the world suck. If you require people to declare variables (like in Pascal, C, Scheme or Perl 5 with strict), then people will tell you they like variables to spring up upon first use. Without variable declarations, then you get various weird side-effects of the implicit scoping. If you use curly braces for scoping, then you’ll have to type more and there’s more clutter. With indentation-based scoping (like in Python), you’ll find it hard to introduce multiple-expression lambdas.

Rob Pike and Paul Graham hated object oriented programming (OOP) and so they didn’t introduce it in their “Go” and “Arc“ languages, well after OOP has become mainstream. And guess what? Many people, including me, think that OOP is still a good thing (and no, in my opinion, C++ did not do OOP very well) and so gave up on Arc quickly and did not look closely at Go.

Dynamically typed languages (like Perl 5, Python, Ruby, or Lisp) possibly suffer from many subtle errors ; Statically typed languages (like Haskell) are less expressive and it seems that about one third of the language design papers published on Lambda the Ultimate are about various funky extensions to the Haskell type system to allow for better expressiveness.

Purely functional languages have no assignment and most people find them harder, in part because the world around us has a lot of state, and they also need to do funky compiler tricks to make you feel like you don’t need assignment. Non-functional languages have side-effects and so are prone to many errors.

If you have goto or goto-like statements (such as exceptions or Perl 5’s “last LABEL;” (more like “break” in C) or “next LABEL;”), then you encourage code to not be factored correctly. If you don’t have such stuff, then programmers will hate you for having to go through many hoops to write quick-and-dirty code.

Perl 5 has a dedicated regular expression syntax which is treated magically by the parser. PHP and Java use strings for them, and require weird escaping and backslashing rules to interpolate the sub-regexes inside them. And if you incorporate a first-order syntax for regular expressions, then people will want similar first-order syntaxes for XPath, for XML (like some recent versions of Visual Basic .NET have), and for all other grammars you may need to embed.

Finally, many people absolutely hate all the clutter created by the leading sigils of Perl 5 (the "$", "@", etc.), and similar languages, but they allow for much better backward compatibility, facilitate the so-called “interpolation” (= embedding inside strings), and also give some important visual cues when skimming code (even without syntax highlighting).

You are damned either way, whatever you do.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Your Programming Language Must Suck

How many Wikipeders Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

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  • 1 User to start a http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Changing_a_Light_Bulb article.
  • 1 editor to tag it with the “No original research” template. (Without giving a reason)
  • 3 users to find citations for the article.
  • 1 editor to claim it violates the wikipedia “Neutral Point of View policy”. (without giving a reason).
  • The original user to ask why he thinks this way on the talk page.
  • 5 users to find occurences of changing a light bulb in popular culture.
  • 1 anonymous user to correct an “it’s” to “its”.
  • 1 editor to revert it.
  • 1 editor to revert the revert because it was a real typo.
  • 10 users to rant in the talk page that Changing a lightbulb is not notable enough.
  • 10 Wikipeders to start similar articles in French, German, Spanish, Catalan, Esperanto, Ido, Hebrew, Klingon, Mandarin Chinese, and other languages.
  • 10 more people to periodically keep the articles in sync with the English version.
  • Starting the cycle again on the localised wikipedias.
  • 1 Person to argue that the article should be merged into the main article about the inventor of the lightbulb.
  • 5 People to argue on the talk-page who the inventor of the lightbulb was.
  • 1 Person to start a wikiquote page about changing lightbulbs.
  • 1 Person to add it to wikibook.
  • 4 persons to gradually delete content the section about “choosing a good chair” until it only reads “choose a good chair.”
  • 1 person to write it again.
  • 1 deletionist to remove the article due to all of its perceived problems.
  • 3 months from now:
  • 1 different user to feel the absense of the Changing_a_Light_Bulb article, create it and start the cycle all over again.
Author Shlomi Fish
Work How many Wikipeders does it take to Change a Light Bulb?

Shlomi Fish on 13 May 2009

Display

As expected from the latest trend in the Perl blogosphere this post will be about Roles. And Moose! And Roles in Moose! And Moose in Roles! And Roles outside Moose…

Seriously now, this is a post about a completely non-Moosey and non-Roley script I wrote to filter the use.perl.org master journals' feed.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Meta: Script to Filter the Master use.perl.org Blogs' Feed

Russian Cuisine

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rindolf Hi all.
Leuthihi O HAI rindolf
rindolf Leuthihi: HAI HAI.
rindolf Leuthihi: what's up?
Leuthihi rindolf: I'm hungry!
rindolf Leuthihi: there's one antidote for it.
rindolf Leuthihi: it's called Food.
rindolf Leuthihi: </bolt>
Leuthihi well, but what food?
Leuthihi and I need coffee
Leuthihi oh, I think I know what I'll have.
benwbrum_chez_so Chili. A big bowl of red, with crackers and onions on the side.
rindolf Leuthihi: does it matter?
Volis If it has to be some cuisine.
Volis Did I spell correctly?
rindolf Volis: spell what?
Volis oh yes.
Volis cuisine.
rindolf "cuisine" is spelt this way.
rindolf Yes.
rindolf It's a French word I think.
rindolf .ety cuisine
la_fen "1786, from Fr. cuisine 'style of cooking,' originally 'kitchen, cooking, cooked food' (12c.), from L.L. cocina, earlier coquina 'kitchen,' from L. coquere 'to cook' (see cook (n.))." - http://etymonline.com/?term=cuisine
rindolf OK, originally from Latin.
Volis nevermind. Which cuisine is the best?
Volis In general
rindolf Volis: I like many cuisines.
Gvidon Russian, of course
rindolf Volis: though most of the ethnic food is actually poor men's food.
rindolf Gvidon: Russian cuisine?
Gvidon rindolf: Yes
Leuthihi well, yes, because I need something to eat to be able to eat it.
rindolf Gvidon: what does it feature?
Volis Russian cuisine lacks flavour.
Gvidon rindolf: Vodka
rindolf Gvidon: ah.
Leuthihi In Soviet Russia, food tastes YOU!
rindolf Gvidon: I didn't know Vodka is nutritious
rindolf Leuthihi: :-)
Volis In Soviet Russia, They no longer use this meme. :P
Leuthihi Vodka has plenty of calories at least.
rindolf Gvidon: and I don't consume Alcoholic beverages in any quantity.
rindolf Volis: :-)
Leuthihi Volis: because: In Soviet Russia, meme uses You!
rindolf «In Soviet Russia, cats own you. Oh wait! They own you everywhere.»
Volis Considering the fact, i'm still underage. Please change the topic.
rindolf Volis: underage?
rindolf Volis: ah, you cannot drink?
Volis In Soviet Russia, left keeps you. Always.
Volis "Dear fellow driver, let left be for communist crap only"
Volis rindolf, Rules of the world.
Channel ##English
Network Freenode
Tagline Russian cuisine

E-mail, web feeds…

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E-mail, web feeds and doing something productive — choose two.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work LiveJournal.com Post

Wasting Time

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The worst way to waste your time is to never waste it.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Unarmed but Still Dangerous Post

I’m Hungry Today

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Sophie: I’m hungry today.
Jack: well wait until tomorrow - maybe this feeling will pass.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

We agree…

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We agree. But do we agree to agree?

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

sed and awk…

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sed and awk make me sad and awkward.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

linuxguy101 about Windows 8

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linuxguy101 sebsebseb: i thought you were abducted by windows 8
rindolf sebsebseb: hi.
linuxguy101 rindolf: windows got him
rindolf linuxguy101: if you say so.
linuxguy101 he is trying to find that icon in windows 8 that has irc on it
linuxguy101 average users it usually will take a day or longer
linuxguy101 it is a productivity enhancer
rindolf linuxguy101: heh.
linuxguy101 rindolf: you must get windows 8
linuxguy101 it is an experience in windows you will never forget
rindolf linuxguy101: why?
linuxguy101 rindolf: it is like windows me and vista combined with a bunch of retarded programmers who cant speak the same lang
linuxguy101 it is jaw dropping
rindolf linuxguy101: sounds fascinating.
linuxguy101 i expect Microsoft will earn some rewards on this os
linuxguy101 like longest boot time.. Hardest os to use by a human. And most compatible os with itself ever made.
rindolf linuxguy101: :-)
linuxguy101 rindolf: you must switch to something less useful and more productive like windows 8
linuxguy101 think of the hours you could spend on windows 8.. remember it is retro
rindolf linuxguy101: retrofitted?
linuxguy101 rindolf: yes.. down to 2 or 4 colors.. steve balmer in a cocaine brain storming meeting with the developers decided to move to a gui that was un pattoned so they invented retro.. simple and stupid colors a 4 year old child could barely read or draw
linuxguy101 he called it retro
rindolf Retro.
linuxguy101 clearly a first in computing history
rindolf Now I get the joke.
rindolf Metro is Retro.
linuxguy101 oh it is no joke.. just wait for windows 8 lack of sales prompt stever balmer to shove it down into the updates for windows 7
linuxguy101 on a side note, did you know that linux is becoming more popular now days?
linuxguy101 i dont know why..
linuxguy101 rindolf: you really should try windows 8
linuxguy101 at least virtual box it..
rindolf linuxguy101: maybe I should, but I'm not going to shell out money for the experience.
linuxguy101 Warning!: using windows 8 may cause massive hysteria, laughing and vomiting in some cases..
linuxguy101 the first time i used windows 8 i laughed uncontrolably for several hours and almost wet myself
Channel #mageia-social
Network Freenode
Tagline Win 8, Lose 9

The English Wikipedia

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The English Wikipedia: now you don’t see it - now you do.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

Chat in #objectivism about Publicity

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rindolf Hi all.
srogers howdy
rindolf srogers: hi, what's up?
srogers work, mostly
srogers "one of those days"
rindolf Ah.
rindolf Work.
rindolf I'm enjoying my unemployed status.
rindolf And after all that hospital thing is behind me, I'd like to go to tau.ac.il and set up some events where I read from my writings/etc.
rindolf To gain some esteem.
rindolf I contacted an Israeli publisher about publishing some of my stories and/or essays, but they didn't return to me after more than a month (which is their designated limit).
rindolf And after reminding them on the phone, I gave up.
rindolf Well, I'm not going to sit idly and expect recognition to come to me.
rindolf Maybe I'll use some of my Project Wonderful money to gain some publicity.
rindolf I could try publicising some of my works on various sites such as http://www.calamitiesofnature.com/
srogers Yeah - promote yourself
rindolf srogers: yes.
rindolf srogers: I think that was the main mistake of Howard Roark in The Fountainhead.
rindolf He should have worked more on publicity.
srogers ha - if only he had Facebook . . .
rindolf Heh.
Channel Objectivism
Network Freenode
Tagline Bringing the mountain to Muhammad

Chat in #gnu about Domains, FOSS and Wikipedia

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mrout Who likes freedom?
mrout FREEDOM
rindolf mrout: freedom++
Younos just give me my beer
rindolf Younos: heh.
rindolf No beer for you!
Younos aww :o(
mrout I’m in non-freedom mode atm actually, using Windoze
mrout for teh gamez
rindolf mrout: OK.
mrout but when I restart into Linux I respect the freedoms of myself and others
rindolf mrout: OK.
Younos you should respect it regardless of the platform
rindolf mrout: maybe try reporting it as a bug in WINE/etc.
rindolf mrout: the GNU project encourages FOSS developers to port their software to non-free platforms.
rindolf Though there was a small backlash about it (at least for Windows) a while ago.
alfplayer encourages?
mrout rindolf: I sure hope it does. if we can encourage users to try FOSS software on non-free platforms, they might more easily learn about FOSS and about how to protect their freedoms
rindolf http://fc-solve.shlomifish.org/download.html - I provide a Windows binary for this. :-)
mrout Many users don’t even know they can get software that respects their freedoms.
rindolf alfplayer: well, don't know if encourage, but it doesn't hold a stand against it.
rindolf alfplayer: and a lot of GNU software can be built fine on Windows (And proprietary UNIXes).
alfplayer rindolf: that's very different imo
alfplayer rindolf: yes, like gcc and emacs
mrout btw is rms ever on here? He gave a talk at my local university a few years ago, and I never got a chance to talk to him.
rindolf http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/show.cgi?id=should-perl-drop-sco-support - also see this.
mrout lol
rindolf mrout: I don't think he uses IRC.
rindolf mrout: he also doesn't use a graphical web browser.
rindolf mrout: though he does read the web sometimes.
mrout rindolf: i haven’t installed X yet, so neither do I. haha
rindolf He commented on a few pages on my site.
rindolf When he visited Israel, I told RMS that I felt making Freecell Solver Public Domain (now it's MIT/X11L) was appropriate given its target audience, and he said he thought making it GPLed would encourage more users of programs that used it to make them FOSS.
rindolf He also said it was OK that freshmeat.net (now freecode.com) did not release their backend as free software.
rindolf mrout: ah.
mrout freecode.com?
rindolf mrout: well, I think he doesn't even use links or lynx or Emacs' www-mode.
rindolf mrout: yes.
rindolf mrout: they changed their name and domain.
mrout who are they? NEVER heard of them
rindolf mrout: http://freecode.com/ - it's a nice way to discover some interesting software.
rindolf mrout: they are a web-directory for UNIX software.
mrout do they host it?
rindolf mrout: no.
mrout quite unlike something like github, then?
rindolf mrout: just link to it.
mrout cool
mrout will try to remember that
rindolf mrout: also see http://www.shlomifish.org/lecture/Freecell-Solver/slides/freshmeat_effect.html
rindolf mrout: not everything there is FOSS.
mtjm http://stallman.org/stallman-computing.html explains his Web use
rindolf mrout: and not everything is there.
rindolf mrout: but I try to publicise most of my major software there.
mtjm IRC would need a constant network access which is difficult when travelling (and needs much mor e time than batch mail writing)
rindolf Well, most of the software published there is either niche or quite boring.
mrout rindolf: Freecell Solver on freecode is the first result
rindolf mrout: for what?
mrout that google search
mrout I fail to see a problem
rindolf mrout: well, thing is there are other Freecell solvers.
rindolf mrout: and what I said is that I clog the search.
mrout Oh, I see what you mean
mrout that’s a good thing for you, though
rindolf mrout: lots of junk like FreeBSD/Debian/Ubuntu/Mandriva/Mageia packages.
rindolf mrout: that's what I call the freshmeat effect.
rindolf I get http://fc-solve.shlomifish.org/ as the first hit. :-(
rindolf Damn bubbling.
rindolf https://duckduckgo.com/?q=freecell%20solver - here (no bubbling) I get the wikipedia Freecell page as a first hit.
mrout rindolf: bubbling?
rindolf mrout: http://dontbubble.us/
mrout I get NZ results
mrout hahaha
rindolf mrout: NZ?
mrout rindolf: where are you from?
rindolf mrout: Israel.
mrout New Zealand.
rindolf mrout: but shlomifish.org is hosted in hostgator.com .
rindolf I used to host it in a small Israeli hosting provider but they were too unreliable.
mrout I asked, because i expected it to be US, and so I’d say “I know what US stands for, but you don’t know what NZ stands for? Shame on you.”
rindolf mrout: I know that .nz is New Zealand.
rindolf mrout: but didn't understand the initialism in the context.
rindolf mrout: some Americans think .il is Illinois.
rindolf And .ca is California.
rindolf Well, there's also .la.
mrout ahh
rindolf And .tv.
mrout haha
mrout tv? that must be for tezdikistan. >.>
rindolf mrout: no.
rindolf mrout: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/.tv
mrout joke
mrout that was a joke
mrout I know it’s not for television stuff lol
rindolf http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tuvalu
rindolf mrout: OK.
rindolf .tk domains are free.
mrout yeah
mrout Woo tokelau
* rindolf wonders if there is .fs.
rindolf There should be a country called .if so I can register shlom.if
rindolf Someone registered shlomifi.sh. ;-)
rindolf Not me, though.
rindolf https://www.google.com/search?q=.lf - no .lf either.
rindolf We need more countries.
mrout I wish there was a .ut
mrout so I could get mro.ut
rindolf mrout: ah.
rindolf Well, I can register shlomif.name.
mrout I already have rout.co.nz (that’s my dad’s actually) and rout.geek.nz (mine)
rindolf mrout: ah.
rindolf Are top-level .nz domains available?
rindolf like rout.nz
mrout you can’t get milesroutisawesome.nz, no
rindolf Ah.
mrout or rout.nz >.>
rindolf OK.
rindolf .il domains are kinda costly and they used to require faxing.
rindolf And I don't feel my domains are particularly Israeli-related.
mrout ahh
rindolf Well, I originally got shlomif.il.eu.org.
rindolf But its DNS was flaky.
mrout .eu.org?
rindolf So I ended up buying shlomifish.org
mrout what’s your actual name?
rindolf Now I also have shlomifish.com
rindolf mrout: Shlomi Fish.
mrout Ahh
rindolf mrout: eu.org is free DNS.
mrout ?
rindolf But I guess you get what you pay for sometimes.
rindolf mrout: it's not .eu (European union).
rindolf mrout: http://eu.org/
mrout that site’s odd
mrout what’s wrong with .eu
mrout shit a brick, they want a separate ccTLD for http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Martin_(France)
rindolf mrout: nothing is wrong with .eu - it's just that eu.org is something different.
rindolf eu.org predates .eu.
mrout ahh
mrout it annoys me that the US doesn’t use .us more
mrout and clutters .com
rindolf Well, there's also .gov, .net, .org...
rindolf .mil
rindolf .navy
mrout exactly
rindolf mrout: I also have http://shlom.in/
mrout it’s pretty americo-centric
rindolf Could not get http://shlom.fi/ because my domain registrar did not have it.
rindolf shlom.in is my own custom (and private) URL shortener.
rindolf Some overzealous spam filters blocked it.
rindolf Ah, domains.
rindolf The bread and butter of Internet conversations.
mrout lol
rindolf I know someone who has http://ali.as/
rindolf Well, from the Internet.
rindolf And there's also cr.yp.to which is Dan Bernstein.
rindolf DJB.
mrout domains, vim vs emacs and hello_there vs helloThere.
mrout cr.yp.to is cool
rindolf mrout: and tabs vs. spaces.
mrout but hard to type
mrout eugh
mrout cr.yp.to is hard to type
mrout spaces, vim, hello_there or HelloThere, but never helloThere.
rindolf Since I have http://perl-begin.org/ and want to create a site for Vim beginners, I should get a good domain.
rindolf vim.perl-begin.org or vim.shlomifish.org does not look good.
mrout vimschlomfish
mrout lol
mrout shlom
mrout vimshlomfish
mrout what about vim-begin.org?
rindolf mrout: maybe I'll get tech-begin.org
rindolf I think begin.org is already taken.
mrout yea
mrout by one of those shitty domain hoggers
rindolf Heh. begin.tel is available. \o/
mrout i’d love mil.es
rindolf Not that I want it.
mrout begin.tel?
mrout begintel?
mrout $17/yr for mil.es
mrout YES FUCK YES
rindolf OK, I registered begin-site.org and begin-site.com
rindolf On https://www.domainsite.com/ .
rindolf I figured most people won't "guess" begin-site.net... ;-)
mrout nice
rindolf So I'll have http://vim.begin-site.com/ and http://vim.begin-site.org/
mrout what about rindolf.com
mrout begin-site seems a bit clunky
rindolf mrout: rindolf is only my IRC nickname.
mrout still
rindolf mrout: and I already have www.shlomifish.org
rindolf mrout: I don't see why most people will STFW for "rindolf" or "shlomi fish" or whatever.
rindolf Most of the people come to my site using more generic searches.
rindolf https://duckduckgo.com/?q=fountainhead%20parody - first hit !
mrout STFW?
rindolf mrout: search the fab web.
rindolf Like RTFM.
rindolf Using Google, Duck Duck go, Bing or whatever.
mrout fucking web, I assume
rindolf mrout: true.
rindolf http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Shlomif/Freecell_Solver - this was deleted because it was not notable enough. F****king deletionists.
mrout they deleted your user page?
rindolf mrout: no, only /wiki/Freecell_Solver
mrout oh
rindolf mrout: access the link - it's there.
rindolf Just not visible on default searches.
mrout “lacks references showing notability” you mean apart from the fact it’s the top google result for Freecell Solver? FUUUUU wikipedians
rindolf I restored it before it was deleted.
rindolf mrout: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baker%27s_Dozen_%28solitaire%29 - some people on #wikipedia (or #wikipedia-en) told me this may not be notable.
rindolf There are a zillion pages about it.
rindolf And Wikipedia covers almost any other Solitaire variant.
mrout lol, fucking wikipedia
rindolf Yes.
mrout articles about every steeple in Italy, but not about ever solitaire variant
mrout http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baker%27s_Dozen_%28solitaire%29#Solvers
rindolf mrout: also about football players.
mrout your article should be restored
rindolf mrout: yes, maybe.
mrout I’d almost be convinced to do it myself
rindolf mrout: are you a wikipedian?
mrout sort of
mrout I have an account
rindolf mrout: well, I added the [[Freecell Solver]] link.
rindolf Hoping someone will fill it in.
rindolf http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FreeCell#Solvers - there is a cursory mention of it there.
mrout mmm
rindolf mrout: this section was deleted previously because it was not "Encyclopedic enough."
rindolf mrout: that Wikipedian had tons of complaints against him on his user talk page.
rindolf mrout: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Christiansen - this used to be about the Perl developer (and co-author of several books).
rindolf Now it's about an olympic athelete.
rindolf Well, I added that page, and people enhanced it, but then it was deleted. :-(
mrout not even an olympic athelete
rindolf mrout: ah, yes, just world competition.
mrout didn’t even place
mrout compared to an author and developer of one of the most popular programming languages
mrout :/
rindolf Yes.
rindolf Oh well, Wikipedia.
rindolf The worst encyclopedia in the world except for all others.
galex-713 ?
mrout hahaha
mrout yyeah
* galex-713 slaps mrout
galex-713 Wikipedia is perfect!
* galex-713 hides
mrout hardly
Channel #gnu
Network Freenode
Tagline #gnu stuff

Life is Hard

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rindolf Hi all.
rindolf FROGGS , moritz , hoelzro , Juerd : hello! What's new?
moritz everything with a new enough timestamp
FROGGS rindolf: nothing
rindolf moritz: heh.
FROGGS I assume rindolf doesnt meant -Inf :o)
timotimo moritz: feel like reviewing/merging https://github.com/rakudo/rakudo/pull/113 ? froggs and me both spectested it :)
* rindolf unleashes his inner Sarah Michelle Gellar to kiss moritz for his inventive avoidance of saying what he is up to.
rindolf FROGGS: I’m old enough to remember the invention of the Camel.
FROGGS rindolf: well, if you want to know what we are up to you may ask that
rindolf FROGGS: “When I was your age, Jennifer Lawrence was called Sarah Bernhardt”
rindolf FROGGS: moritz will always find a way to avoid it.
rindolf FROGGS: unless threatened.
rindolf FROGGS: or sweet talked.
FROGGS and today is my first day off, and on wednessday starts the german perl workshop, so still stuff to prepare
rindolf FROGGS: nice.
rindolf FROGGS: prepare hard! Enjoy hard! Rest hard!
rindolf Step 4: profit hard!
rindolf Step 5: retire hard!
timotimo Step 6: die hard!
rindolf timotimo: LOL.
Channel #perl6
Network Freenode
Tagline He who lives hard, dies harder

Is Buffy Kosher?

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I recall discussing Buffy with a Jewish American friend, who used to be secular, and now has become an observant Jew, and married a woman who properly converted to Orthodox Judaism, and they have some children. We discussed the fact that Sarah Michelle Gellar was Jewish, and yet that many men (and some Lesbian women) were more attracted to Alyson Hannigan’s character, Willow Rosenberg, who was a shy and sheepish, redhead, Jewess. Then when I mentioned that Hannigan was only a maternal Jew, he said she is “kosher” (because someone whose mother is Jewish and who did not convert to a different religion, is a bona-fide Jew). I found it amusing that you refer to women by the same word as you do to food, but I think the ancient Hebrew word "kasher" also means "approved", "appropriate", "legal", etc.

In any case, both Hannigan and Gellar are now married, and so trying to separate between them and their husbands is not kosher. ;-)

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Post to the /r/buffy subreddit

Selina Mandrake - The Slayer: The Three

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[ There are three young men dressed as Klingons who fight with Bat’leth in the park. Selina is passing by and shakes her head in disapproval. The three notice Selina, and quickly run to her. ]

Warrior #1: Hail The Slayer, we are but your humble slaves!

Selina: [Shocked] And who might you be?

Warrior #1: We are The Three - three vampire brother warriors, who have been fighting since the dawn of time.

Selina: And you are Klingons…

Warrior #2: We can assume any form.

Warrior #1: Yes, we can fight using any weapon, and we are masters of them all.

Selina: so you can fight with something that’s not a Bat’leth?

Warrior #1: Of course, for example, we could fight using the Huge Sword!

Warrior #2 and Warrior #3: Yeah, the Huge Sword!

The Three: [in unison] Huge Sword!

[Warrior #1 snaps his fingers, and some of these ridiculously large swords from World of Warcraft appear on the ground. ]

Selina: Wow, can you fight using them?

The Three: [non-dramatically] Eh, eh, we cannot lift them.

Selina: Guess not. [Puts her palm on her eyes.] Maybe try something smaller and not as heavy.

Warrior #2: Yes, smaller.

Warrior #3: And not as heavy.

Warrior #1: You're not thinking about the smallest… yet deadliest weapon for a mighty vampire warrior… the wooden toothpick!

[The three cry “yeah”. Warrior #1 snaps his fingers and the huge swords are replaced by small wooden toothpicks. ]

Selina: Toothpicks? Have you blokes been watching too much Sesame Street?

Warrior #1: Why, of course! Every mighty Klingon warrior has watched Sesame Street.

Selina: Mighty Klingon vampire warriors who have watched Sesame Street… this decade royally sucks!!

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Selina Mandrake - The Slayer

David vs. Goliath: David as a Hacker

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The Israelites and the Philistines schedule a large battle. The Philistines have far superior equipment with armours made out of cast iron, which the Israelites don’t have. Eventually, Goliath, a tall Philistine giant, steps forward and asks for an Israelite man worthy enough to fight him and determine the fate of the battle (something which was quite common in the ancient Near East). It seems the Israelites will lose the battle.

Out of nowhere, a young Israelite boy whom hardly anyone knew about steps forward with a sling and a few pebbles. Goliath thinks this is ridiculous and ridicules him. However, the boy quickly puts a pebble in his sling, and after rotating the sling to achieve a very large velocity (not unusual with slings) hurls the pebble with great accuracy (also not unthinkable, because shepherds in the Near East effectively used slings to kill lions and other predators to their flock) into Goliath’s face, which was uncovered to allow him to see. Even if Goliath’s shield bearer wanted to, he could not lift the huge shield in time, and Goliath was completely not agile in his suit and armour. The sling’s rock smashes Goliath brain, and he falls to the ground dead. The Israelites have won the battle.

That boy’s name was David.

Why is it important here? Because David was a “hacker”. Why was he a hacker? Because he knew the rules, and played by them, but knew how to bend them, in order to earn his victory. Hackers bend the rules.

And here’s the thing: this is what an action hero is all about: he makes his own rules, or he even breaks them, and does not accept his fate. This is whereas a tragic hero is bound by many invisible rules, and accepts his fate, which is, almost certainly going to be death.

And in real life, you should also aim to be a hacker or an action hero, or the many phrases it used to be called.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Summerschool at the NSA

Star Trek: We, the Living Dead - “Too much of a Good Thing”

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Worf: Commander Dax, I explicitly prohibit you from asking about Mr. Q’s roles as a husband and a father.

Jadzia: You are right, Commander. I’ve realised something: throughout this whole trip through the wonders of the Q continuum I’ve been far too selfish and only thought about myself. I should have thought about you, too.

[She turns towards Avigayil]

Jadzia: Avigayil, could you, by any chance, allow us to meet Kahless the Unforgettable in his living dead self, I’m sure Commander Worf here would love to meet him.

Worf: Actually, Commander, I don’t think…

Jadzia: [Interrupting him] Oh, you don’t? That’s a shame. Well, I’ll go meet him alone (always wanted to, you know). Worf, I think Kahless will be disappointed not to meet you, but I’ll tell him you’re a big fan of his, and I’ll let you watch the video of me meeting him and…

Worf: [Sighs] Commander Dax, you are impossible.

Worf: Fine, let’s go meet Kahless if that’s humanly possible.

Avigayil: Sounds good. The whole mission from Deep Space Nine can go with you, I’ll notify Kahless. He’s a big fan of a lot of you.

Amanda: OK, let’s summon Katie and her gang of no-goodnicks too. She wouldn’t want to miss it.

Quark: Yes, and it’s high time we merged the two sub-plots in the future movie. “Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. But only for your customers”. Rule of acquisition No. 172.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Star Trek: “We, the Living Dead”

SHOUT!!

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abba it's thrax!
abba fuck, this place is quiet now
rindolf abba: SHOUT!! SHOUT!!! LET IT ALL OUT!!!!
rindolf These are the things I can do without.
abba COME ON!
thraxatron shh abba i'm observing
rindolf abba: I'm talking to you.
abba <3 tears for fears rindolf
thraxatron wasn't that a disturbed song
* abba facepalms
thraxatron i had that album
rindolf abba: :-)
abba sure, disturbed may have covered it
* rindolf is listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama.
abba but that's like saying creep is your favorite Korn song
thraxatron it is though
abba :P
rindolf Kid Rock’s http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwIGZLjugKA (All Summer Long) is also good.
thraxatron also i really like 99 luft balloons
thraxatron by Goldfinger
abba Dancing queen by Wing
abba http://youtu.be/XqBWvmhS-AY
rindolf thraxatron: heh.
abba i have no idea why i listened to that whole thing, i'm never going to get that time of my life back
thraxatron holy shit all summer long is five years old
thraxatron what am i doing with my life
dean0 beach boys title of the same is much older.... :(
dean0 ...fortunately I'm not quite that old
* abba mourns for his youth
abba Me neither, but I did like the Beach Boys a lot as a child
dean0 yah me too
Channel #reddit
Network Freenode
Tagline Do the song of life

Wikipedia Deletionists Don’t Die

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Wikipedia deletionists Don’t Die. They lose notability and get deleted.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

It’s kinda…

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It’s kinda, sort-of… pretty much… quite… awesome I tell you - awesome! Got it? It’s kinda awesome!

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

JavaScript

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Shlomi Fish: Whenever you spell “JavaScript” with a lowercase “s” (and a capital “J”), God kills a kitten.

Joel Crisp: Whenever you use JavaScript on the server, God kills a datacenter.

Author Shlomi Fish and Joel Crisp
Work Facebook Post (originally via Twitter)

Two Kinds of Fools

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There are two kinds of fools. One says, “This is old, and therefore good”.
And one says, “This is new, and therefore better”.

John Brunner, The Shockwave Rider

Two more kinds of fools. One says: “This is popular, and therefore good”.
The other says: “This is good because it’s not popular”.

— Shlomi Fish (though may not be a 100% original sentiment).

Author Shlomi Fish and Joel Crisp
Work Facebook Post (originally via Twitter)

Shlomi Fish’s “That’s Why” Response

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That’s why I feed my leprechaun every day — because there are not enough phonemes in Navajo to tell him to get his act together and find a job.

— Shlomi Fish‘s response to “Above All That is Random 5” when asked “That’s why… what?”

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Comment on “Above All That is Random 5”

Other Favourite Quotes

What is is

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What is is. Perceive It. Integrate it. Act on it. Idealize it.

Author Leonard Peikoff

I/O, I/O…

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I/O, I/O,
It's off to disk I go,
a bit or byte to read or write,
I/O, I/O, I/O, I/O

Author Dave Peacock
Work His signature

Roses are red, Violets are Blue ("Fresh Prince of Bel-Air")

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Will: "Roses are red,
Violets are Blue.
Jazz and I are black,
But, Carlton, what are you?"

Excerpt from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"

Author Andy Borowitz (Creator
Work "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"

"Wives live longer than husbands…"

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And the top story for today: wives live longer than husbands because they are not married to women.

Author Colin Mochrie
Work "Who's Line is it, Anyway?"

Let others praise ancient times

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Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

Author Ovid (43 BC - 18 AD)

"Bring it On": Cheerleader Song

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I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot.
I'm bitchin', great hair, the boys all love to stare!
I'm wanted, I'm hot, I'm everything you're not.
I'm pretty, I'm cool, I dominate this school.
Who am I? Just guess. Guys wanna touch my chest.
I'm rockin', I smile and many think I'm vile.
I'm flying, I jump you can look but don't you hump. Whoo!
I major, I roar. I swear I'm not a whore.
We cheer and we lead - we act like we're on speed.
You hate us cause we're beautiful but we don't like you either.
We're cheerleaders. We are cheerleaders!

Excerpt from "Bring it On"

Work Bring it On (The Original)

"Suppose x is the speed…"

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An algebra teacher is discussing a problem with a student. The teacher says: "Now, suppose x is the speed at which the train is travelling…". And the student says "But teacher, what if x is not the speed at which the train is travelling?

Author Unknown
Work Re: "A Parody on Aristotle's Organum"

The Shibber Factor

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Keep all the grades of the students who passed the test as is, and convert the grades of all the students who failed to 54%.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Based on a Technion Legend

God is Dead

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“God is Dead”

— Neitzsche

“Neitzsche is Dead”

— God

( writing on a toilet's wall )

Author Anonymous toilet's wall writers
Work Writing on a toilet's wall.

A serious Philosophical Work

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A serious and good philosophical work could be written that would consist entirely of jokes.

-- Ludwig Wittgenstein

Author Ludwig Wittgenstein

The difference between a bad student and a good student

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The difference between a bad student and a good student is that a bad student forgets all the material five minutes before the exam, while a good student five minutes after it.

Author One of Shlomi Fish's Lecturers
Work Technion Class

Histeria! - "did the Fall Hurt You?"

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[Isaac Newton falls off the tree]

Cho-Cho: Did the fall hurt you?

Newton: It wasn't the fall; it was the sudden stop at the end.

Author Tom Ruegger
Work Histeria!

Knuth: Beware of Bugs

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Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.

Author Donald Knuth
Work Memo to Peter van Emde Boas

Stallmanism vs. Stalinism

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It's not because they have suddenly converted to Stallmanism.

Anyone else misread that as "Stalinism"?

The word "Stalinism" is deprecated, the correct term is "GNU/Communism".

-- Spotted on Slashdot

Author k98sven
Work Slashdot Comment: “Re: Misread”

Slashdot: Creative Shells

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Personally, I'd have a far better time writing scripts if I had some more creative shells to script in…

ASMsh: The Assembly shell. Commands include MOV, SHL, SHR, JNE, etc.

shellTM: Turing machine shell. Only four commands. Read, write, move left, move right. Capable of producing any programming language imaginable, given enough time and nerves of steel.

GeneSH: Four commands. G, A, T, C. Need I say more?

Qsh: Only uses one environment variable, which contains all possible values simultaneously. Method of scripting: isolate the universe in which the desired result is already accomplished, and intersect with it.

Of course, I never said they'd be easy to use. But then, if these shells existed, and I knew a sysadmin who used any of them, you can believe Sysadmin Day would be a far more celebrated holiday.

The Night Watchman on a Slashdot Comment

Author The Night Watchman
Work Slashdot comment.

Mission from God

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We're on a mission from God.

-- The Blues Brothers

Author Dan Aykroyd and John Landis
Work "The Blues Brothers"

Sitting Here Doing Nothing

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It may look like I'm just sitting here doing nothing, but I'm really actively waiting for all my problems to go away.

Author Unknown
Work Unknown

"The ones of you that have heard it before"

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I'm going to do a routine now, the ones of you that have heard it before may enjoy hearing it again. The ones of you that have not heard it before - may enjoy hearing it again next time.

Author Victor Borge
Work Phonetic Punctuation

Larry Wall: "I'm an Optimist"

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I guess I really am an optimist. A paranoid optimist, true, but an optimist nonetheless.

Larry Wall, "The 3rd State of the Onion"

Author Larry Wall
Work 3rd State of the Onion

"Linus Torvalds's Greatest Hack"

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In fact, I think Linus's [= Linus Torvalds'] cleverest and most consequential hack was not the construction of the Linux kernel itself, but rather his invention of the Linux development model. When I expressed this opinion in his presence once, he smiled and quietly repeated something he has often said: "I'm basically a very lazy person who likes to get credit for things other people actually do." Lazy like a fox. Or, as Robert Heinlein famously wrote of one of his characters, too lazy to fail.

Eric Raymond, the "Cathedral and the Bazaar"

Author Eric Raymond
Work The Cathedral and the Bazaar

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb…"

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Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.

Misattributed to Benjamin Franklin

Author Not clear
Work Quotes about Democracy

On Tech Progress

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Shlomi Fish: And to think that home desktops can simulate these systems [= PDP-10's and PDP-11's] much faster than those ancient mainframes.

William Lee Irwin III: Shlomi, and to think the net usefulness of the home desktops is less than what users got out of those mainframes.

#offtopic on the oftc.net IRC network.

Author William Lee Irwin III

"I feel much better…"

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I feel much better, now that I've given up hope.

Ashleigh Brilliant

Author Ashleigh Brilliant
Work "I Feel Much Better, Now That I've Given Up Hope

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I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy.

Ashleigh Brilliant

Author Ashleigh Brilliant
Work "I Have Abandoned My Search for Truth and Am Now Looking for a Good Fantasy"

"I may not be totally perfect…"

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I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

Ashleigh Brilliant

Author Ashleigh Brilliant
Work I May Not Be Totally Perfect, but Parts of Me Are Excellent

Dijkstra on Whether a Computer can Think

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The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Edsger W. Dijkstra

Author Edsger W. Dijkstra
Work EWD898 - The threats to computing science

Intelligent Life

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Sometimes I think the surest sign, that intelligent life exists else where in our universe is, is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Calvin

Author Bill Watterson
Work Calvin & Hobbes quotes

The more I think about it

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The more I think about it, the more I think I should think about it some more.

Clarissa in "Clarissa Explains it All"

Work Clarissa Explains it All

Rusty Russell's Signature

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Rusty Russell's signature:

Anyone who quotes me in their sig is an idiot.
-- Rusty Russell

Author Rusty Russell
Work Rusty Russell's Signature

The First Law of Thermodynamics

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The First Law of Thermodynamics: A system with a constant energy, volume and pressure behaves in any way it wants.

Author Unknown

Linus Torvalds about His Macros

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I wrote them (and looking at the original ones, I'm a bit ashamed: the "toupper()" and "tolower()" macros are so horribly ugly that I wouldn't admit to writing them if it wasn't because somebody else claimed to have done so.)

Linus Torvalds on the Linux Kernel Mailing List in response to SCO's Linux Kernel ownership claims.

Author Linus Torvalds
Work Post to the Linux Kernel Mailing List

Everything is Owned by SCO

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Baby making is owned by SCO. Linus's mother never payed royalities.

Also, having a name is a SCO trade secret. By giving Linus a name, they again ask for being fined.

Best regards,

Iztok

(p.s.: Iztok is owned by SCO, and phrase "Best Regards" as well. LWN is owned by SCO.)

An LWN comment in regards to the SCO ownership claims of Linux Kernel code.

Author Iztok
Work Linus is "owned by SCO"

The source of my intention

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The source of my intention
really isn't crime prevention
My intention is prevention of the lie.

Scatman John
"Scatman's World"

Author Scatman John
Work Scatman's World

ESR: "To follow the Path"

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To follow the path:
look to the master,
follow the master,
walk with the master,
see through the master,
become the master.

Eric S. Raymond in "How To Become a Hacker"

Author Eric Raymond
Work How to Become a Hacker

"GIMP Should Manipulate SVGs" on #gimp

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strestout1 Can GIMP save to svg?
rindolf strestout1: SVG is a vector graphics format.
rindolf strestout1: GIMP manipulates bitmaps.
strestout1 Yes rindolf, I know.
strestout1 I just thought itd be nice to have one app for everything instead of having to use inkscape for svg and gimp for everything else.
UnNamed It could do 3d too.
schumaml And Audio processing…
UnNamed And Audio mixing…
UnNamed And word processing…
schumaml And it gotta have a kitchen sink!
schumaml So, the real question might be: is there an image editing mode for Emacs? ;)
Channel #gimp
Network GimpNet
Tagline "GIMP Should Manipulate SVGs"

Hanah Senesh: Walk to Caesarea

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My God, My God,
May it never, never end.
The sand and the sea,
the jitter of the water,
the shine of the sky,
the prayer of Man.

"A Walk to Caesarea" / Hanah Senesh
( Translated from Hebrew by Shlomi Fish )

Author Hanah Senesh
Work Walk to Caesarea

"I am not without artifice where magic is concerned…"

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'You must know that I am not without artifice where magic is concerned,' said Weasel. 'Only last year did I - assisted by my friend there - part the notoriously powerful Archmage of Ymitury from his staff, his belt of moon jewels, and his life, in that approximate order.'

Author Terry Pratchett
Work The Colour of Magic

Linus Torvalds about the SHA1 Security

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If we want to have any kind of confidence that the hash is really unbreakable, we should make it not just longer than 160 bits, we should make sure that it's two or more hashes, and that they are based on totally different principles.

And we should all digitally sign every single object too, and we should use 4096-bit PGP keys and unguessable passphrases that are at least 20 words in length. And we should then build a bunker 5 miles underground, encased in lead, so that somebody cannot flip a few bits with a ray-gun, and make us believe that the sha1's match when they don't. Oh, and we need to all wear aluminum propeller beanies to make sure that they don't use that ray-gun to make us do the modification _ourselves_.

Author Linus Torvalds
Work Message to the git mailing list

Neo-Tech: About Capitalism

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The dictionary definition of capitalism is: An economic system characterized by private ownership of capital goods and by investments that are determined by private decision rather than by state control. Prices, production and distribution of goods are determined by a free market.

But most writers and commentators put dishonest altruistic-platonistic connotations on the meaning of capitalism: A system of exploitation of the weak by the strong -- devoid of love and good will. A system in which unwanted goods and services are pushed onto consumers through clever, deceptive advertising for the sole purpose of profits and greed. Capitalism dominates most Western governments. Capitalism, big business, and fascism are synonymous.

Neo-Tech IV / The Neo-Tech Discovery.

Author Frank R. Wallace
Work Neo Tech IV

"People who disagree with me…"

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Which mindset is right? Mine, of course. People who disagree with me are by definition crazy. (Until I change my mind, when they can suddenly become upstanding citizens. I'm flexible, and not black-and-white.)

Author Linus Torvalds
Work Linus compares Linux and BSDs

One bug, two bugs, tar bugs, su bugs,

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One bug, two bugs, tar bugs, su bugs,
grep bugs, mew bugs, old bugs, new bugs.
This bug has a little hack,
This bug has a broken stack.
Say! What a lot of bugs to track.
Yes, some are in tar, and some in su.
Some are old. And some are new.
Some in sed, and some in jed.
And some are even in parted.
Why are they in parted, jed and sed?
I do not know. Bugs should be dead!
Some in jpeg, and some in TIFF
This TIFF one has an attached diff.
From there to here, from here to there
Test release bugs are everywhere.

Author Red Hat Inc. Fedora Workers
Work Fedora Core 2 Test 2 available for x86 and x86-64

Charlene: The Sweet Life

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"I took the sweet life
but I never knew
I'd be bitter from the sweet"

Author Charlene
Work I've Never Been to Me

Neo-Tech: Fully Integrated Honesty

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Yet, acting on fully integrated honesty (Neo-Tech), not reason itself, is the basic moral act. When Genghis Khan, for example, chose to use reasoning for a specific military move, then in an out-of-context sense, he chose to act morally by protecting himself and his troops (thus filling human biological needs). But in the larger sense of fully integrated honesty, Khan's total actions were grossly immoral in choosing to use aggressive force in becoming a mass murderer (thus negating human biological needs). The highly destructive, irrational immorality of Genghis Khan's overall dictatorial military actions far outweighed any narrow, out-of-context "moral" actions. …Genghis Khan was enormously evil as were Stalin, Hitler, Mao, Castro, Pol Pot.

Neo-Tech Orientation and Definitions

Author Frank R. Wallace
Work Neo Tech Orientation and Definitions

chromatic: "Ruby Code Can't Be Bad"

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Why are there so many unmaintainable applications written in PHP and Perl? Because PHP and Perl let undisciplined, inexperienced programmers write useful code. So does Ruby -- but give it the popularity and longevity of PHP and Perl (at least in English-speaking circles) and I bet you'll see plenty of bad code written in Ruby too.

This seems like a variant of the Hackers and Painters fallacy. (Paul Graham is rich. Paul Graham writes Lisp. Therefore everyone who writes Lisp will get rich.) "All of the good, smart programmers I know are using Ruby. They write good code. Therefore you can't write bad code in Ruby!"

It feels like there's another fallacy in there somewhere. I want to call it the Pre-Post-Java Blindspot, where Java was the beginning of Serious Programming Languages and only its successor will unseat it. (Like any good fallacy, you have to ignore history, such as the fact that Ruby's between 10 and 12 years old.)

(I mean, if you really just can't read regular expressions, why not admit it? You could start a twelve-step program or something.)

Author chromatic
Work Blog Post for 17-Novemeber-2005

I Upgraded the Plot Device's…

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I have upgraded the plot device's hard-drive, soft-drive and squishy drive,and it is now being the world's most powerful super-computer!

The Angry Scientist in "Sheep in the Big City"

Author Mo Willems
Work Sheep in the Big City

Affairs of Dragons

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Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Source unknown.

Author Unknown Author
Work Internet Meme

Bjarne Stroustrup about Java

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Much of the relative simplicity of Java is - like for most new languages - partly an illusion and partly a function of its incompleteness. As time passes, Java will grow significantly in size and complexity. It will double or triple in size and grow implementation-dependent extensions or libraries. That is the way every commercially successful language has developed. Just look at any language you consider successful on a large scale. I know of no exceptions, and there are good reasons for this phenomenon. [I wrote this before 2000; now see a preview of Java 1.5 - http://xrl.us/kb3a ]

Author Bjarne Stroustrup
Work F.A.Q. Entry about Java

Oscar Wilde on Redundancy (from the Uncyclopedia)

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"I simply hate, detest, loathe, despise, and abhor redundancy."

An Oscar Wilde quote, that quotes Oscar Wilde on his views on Redundancy in a quote.

Author Uncyclopedia
Work Uncyclopedia entry about Redundancy

Vital Enterprise Applications Are (DailyWTF)

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In yesterday's post (Bitten by the Enterprise Bug), we learned how vital enterprise application are for proactive organizations leveraging collective synergy to think outside the box and formulate their key objectives into a win-win game plan with a quality-driven approach that focuses on empowering key players to drive-up their core competencies and increase expectations with an all-around initiative to drive up the bottom-line.

http://thedailywtf.com/forums/64833/ShowPost.aspx

Author The Daily WTF
Work The Daily WTF - Enterprise SQL

Beatles: "Come Together"

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He says "One and one and one is three".
Got to be good-looking 'cause he's so hard to see.

Excerpt from "Come Together" by the Beatles.

Author The Beatles
Work Come Together

The Smithosnian (from Ozy and Millie)

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Isolde: Any museum has a certain Americana factor. But the Smithosnian… This is the one place you can find the very essence of America, distilled.

Millie: Ooh.. do they let you drink it, and then take on mutant American superpowers, and then go around unilaterlly dispensing frontier-style justice in the name of "Freedom"?

Isolde: No, not usually.

Millie: Museums would be a lot more fun if they'd actually *read* what I put in their suggestion boxes.

Author D.C. Simpson
Work Ozy and Millie - "The Essence of America"

Slashdot: Vim Version 7

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Version 7? [of Vim]

GNU Emacs is at version 21.4. Can we really trust such an immature editor?

"yet another coward" in a Slashdot comment for the announcement of the release of Vim version 7. Slashdot comment

Author yet another coward
Work Comment on the release of Vim version 7

Star Trek Plot on FreeNode's #bmp - The Beep Media Player channel.

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deadchip Computer: Remove characters 'nenolod' and 'sxpert'.
deadchip *beeepbeepbeebeeep*
deadchip Computer: Resume program.
sxpert "Program cannot run without characters 'nenolod' and 'sxpert'. restoring instances.
deadchip Computer: Command override, command code Lt. Cmdr. Milosz Derezynski omega-3-3-9-alpha zero. Remove instances 'nenolod' and 'sxpert'.
deadchip "Unable to comply."
deadchip "Computer: Is it possible to at least, _alter_ the subprograms nenolod and sxpert?"
deadchip "Specify parameters."
deadchip hmm i take that as a "yes"
sxpert lol
deadchip "Computer: Please remove 'nonsense' component from 'sxpert' character."
deadchip "Affirmative."
sxpert "unable to comply. "
deadchip bah
deadchip yeah
nenolod grr
deadchip you're truly un-nonsensifiable
deadchip hahaha
sxpert "the intellectual subroutines are not alterable"
deadchip "Computer: Is it possible to alter the _look_ of the character 'sxpert'?"
deadchip "Affirmative."
deadchip "Computer: Please dress character 'sxpert' in a clown's costume."
deadchip "Specify paramters."
deadchip "Mid-20th-century Earth, Balkan area."
deadchip "Processing. Character alteration complete."
deadchip sxpert: bah
deadchip yeah i knew you would delete the whole databank first
sxpert lol
geekoe "Computer, can we …. finally… simply remover the characters 'sxpert'?"
sxpert "computer, here's arlequin costume. apply to character deadchip"
sxpert "character parameters changed"
sxpert "woop"
geekoe :D
deadchip o_O
Channel #bmp
Network Freenode
Tagline Star Trek-Like Plot

I'd love to change the world

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I'd love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

— Unknown

Author Unknown Author
Work Unknown

"What are stars?" on the Lion King

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Pumbaa: Timon, ever wonder what those sparkly dots are up there?

Timon: Pumbaa, I don't wonder; I know.

Pumbaa: Oh. What are they?

Timon: They're fireflies. Fireflies that, uh… got stuck up on that big bluish-black thing.

Pumbaa: Oh, gee. I always thought they were gigantic balls of gas burning billions of miles away.

Timon: Pumbaa, with you, everything's gas.

Author Walt Disney Corp
Work "The Lion King"

Martin about UNIX Letting You Shoot Yourself in the Foot

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>That's the nice thing about UNIX, it gives you so many >ways to shoot yourself in the foot. :)

At least it does allow you to shoot yourself in the foot.

It doesn't say "shooting feet isn't supported"

Or you can shoot yourself in the foot by writing a management console plugin that will pass the data to Word using VBA and then call Excel via com to split it into columns and then write an activeX control to get the columns back as

Author Martin
Work Comment in the JoS Forum

Dazjorz: "We are the Borg on IRC"

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[21:10] *** dazjorz changed nick to We
[21:10] * We are the Borg.
[21:10] *** We changed nick to Lower
[21:10] * Lower your shields and power down your weapons.
[21:11] *** Lower changed nick to We
[21:11] * We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own.
[21:11] *** We changed nick to Resistance
[21:11] * Resistance is futile.
[21:11] *** Resistance changed nick to __You
[21:11] * __You will be assimilated.
[21:11] *** __You changed nick to dazjorz
Author Sjors (Dazjorz)
Work Freenode on IRC

God is my favourite…

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"(God) is my favourite fictional character." - Homer Simpson

Author Matt Groening
Work The Simpsons

Learn several new words everyday

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You should learn several new words everyday--eventually you will forget how to speak so others can understand you.

Yaakov on Freenode's #perl

Author Yaakov
Work Freenode's #perl Conversation.

Acme::NewMath

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For thousands of years, we have been plagued by mathematicians insisting that two plus two equals four. Who elected them? I, Stevie-O, am promoting an entirely new system, where two plus two equals FIVE. Eventually, it will be extended to provide other stuff these power-hungry madmen kept hidden away for themselves, such as division by zero, cold fusion, the ability to solve the halting problem, and the secret to attracting hot chicks.

Stevie-O on the Acme::NewMath POD document.
Acme-NewMath

Author Stevie-O
Work Acme::NewMath POD document

Should Perl drop SCO Support?

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> Should Perl do the same? [= Drop SCO Support]

Absolutely not. Perl supports defunct operating systems, buggy operating systems, commercial operating systems, and poorly marketed operating systems. It would be inappropropriate to drop SCO just because it happens to be all of the above.

Author Kurt Starsinic
Work advocacy@perl.org Email

Climbing for the Apocalypse on #perlcafe

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jkauffman Lynx_: you do seem to do a lot of climbing
jkauffman Lynx_: you'll have the last laugh when the apocalypse comes
jkauffman you'll be physically fit
jkauffman climbing over the mountains of sulfurous ash
jkauffman bounding over rivers of lava
Lynx_ sounds great
Lynx_ but what will i eat?
jkauffman those who didn't bother to practice climbing
Lynx_ eww
Lynx_ those will be all fatty
Lynx_ but maybe sulfurous ash is not so bad with some salt
jkauffman perhaps
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Climbing for the Apocalypse

Slashdot: "In Soviet Russia…"

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In Soviet Russia, every time you kill a kitten, god masturbates

GyroTech on a Slashdot comment

Author GyroTech
Work Slashdot Comment

"I Wrote This Much Code" on Freenode's #perlcafe

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jagerman dooky: A coworker used to like to say things like "I wrote this much code" while holding his hands a couple feet apart
mofino hahaha
jagerman Once I asked him "At what font size?"
mofino +30
q[ender] hahah
jagerman He never said it any more
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline "I Wrote This Much Code"

Slashdot: Dealing with RMS's Vim Attitude

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Recently, Richard Stallman gave a speech in which he illustrated an academic point about programming history by quoting a guy who described vi as 'an editor spread at sword-point and which is really hard to use'.

I think I speak for all moderate vi(m) users when I say -- DEATH and DAMNATION (in that order) to this Cardinal of the CTRL key! Needless to say my own local vim user group has dispatched assassins to kill Mr. Stallman, but this is hardly the end of the story. The fact is that a man has referred to another man who in turn expressed some often-voiced reservations about OUR EDITOR! On behalf of all editors of text everywhere, I implore EMACS users to return to the true path, lest you be burned at the stake and then go to hell, the Buffer From Which There Is No Unloading. We'll see how productive you are then, with your ctrl-meta-alt and your ELISP and your 'ring buffer', whatever THAT is.

Peace and love to all.
^C
^X
quit
q
QUIT
exit :exit
zz
ZZ

kahei on Slashdot

Author kahei
Work Slashdot Comment

Linus: "debugging my own machines"

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The thing is, I don't actually enjoy debugging my own machines. I _much_ prefer having other people debug _their_ machines, and fixing my machine in the process. So I didn't want just something that worked on the Mac Mini, I wanted something that works _universally_, so that hopefully people who are even crazier than me will waste _their_ time trying to get these machines working.

Linus Torvalds in an Email message

Author Linus Torvalds
Work Email Message

Slasdhot: Iran: "First they came for"

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Re:Silly Iranians… ALWAYS!

First, they came for the newspapers, and I did nothing because the Farsi Side comic was just re-prints now.

Next, they came for the books, and I looked the other way because the Death to America Book of the Month Club was only recommending books to burn anyway.

Then, they came for the Satellite Dishes, and I said nothing because I still had a year left on my Infidelphia Cable contract.

Finally, they came for my Internet Service, and no one was left to hear my ululation!

patrixmyth on Slashdot

Author patrixmyth
Work Slashdot Comment

Linus Torvalds: "I Won't Always Change my Mind"

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I don't guarantee that I always change my mind, but I _can_ guarantee that if most of the people I trust tell me I'm a dick-head, I'll at least give it a passing thought.

[ Chorus: "You're a dick-head, Linus" ]

Linus Torvalds in an E-mail message.

Author Linus Torvalds
Work Email Message

Review of the Oxford English Dictionary

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Review of the Oxford English Dictionary on Amazon.com:

[One Star]

"an epic work that has trouble holding the interest"

By: a customer

I'm at the ABs, and I still can't get a grip on the plot. Characters enter, are introduced in exhausting detail -- and then disappear again! Very frustrating. The only time an old character shows up again is in another's history! A lot like _A Dance to the Music of Time_, I suppose.

Perhaps things will become clearer when we meet Oxford, English or Dictionary -- clearly three key figures. Some kind of menage a trois?

Work Amazon.com: Oxford English Dictionary

Neo-Tech: Selfishness

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Although the contents of her book, The Virtue of Selfishness, are precisely accurate and widely integrated, Ayn Rand committed an error by distorting the word "selfishness" in fashioning a dramatic statement. The word "selfishness" does have valuable, precise denotations of "an irrational, harmful disregard for others". Rand could have strengthened her work by selecting accurate wording such as rational self-growth. Instead, she unnecessarily bent and undermined the precise, valuable meaning of selfishness. …As with selflessness, selfishness is a form of immature, destructive, irrational behavior -- a form of stupid behavior.

Neo-Tech Advantage No. 14 - "Self-Growth vs. Selfless View"

Author Frank R. Wallace
Work Neo-Tech Advantage No. 14 - "Self-Growth vs. Selfless View"

Alan Kay on C++

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I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Alan Kay (Attributed)

Author Alan Kay

VB.NET and Java Freenode's #perl

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ew73 VB.NET is all of the fun of enforced privacy OO with all of the power of BASIC.
ew73 java.sun.os.device.videocard.screen.pixel.dance.a.jig.and.turn.red('true')
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline VB.NET and Java

Wilderness Cat: Extra Peculiar

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Extra Peculiar

Did you watch Uri Geller's show last night? He said that if anything extraordinary happened at home during the show, people should phone in, or report it at his website. During the entire show I was installing Hebrew Windows XP for my mother-in-law, and something extraordinary did happen. The operating system got installed, came up, ran without a glitch. Should I report this to Uri?

khatul's comment:

Without a glitch, huh? Apparently you (and Uri) managed to install Linux from a Windows XP installation CD. This is much more than telekinesis. It smells like pure alien intervention. Report immediately!

Author wildernesscat
Work wildernesscat : Extra Peculiar (Blog Entry)

Linus Torvalds: Rare "Perfect" Kernels

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It's one of those rare "perfect" kernels. So if it doesn't happen to compile with your config (or it does compile, but then does unspeakable acts of perversion with your pet dachshund), you can rest easy knowing that it's all your own d*mn fault, and you should just fix your evil ways.

You could send me and the kernel mailing list a note about it anyway, of course. (And perhaps pictures, if your dachshund is involved. Not that we'd be interested, of course. No. Just so that we'd know to avoid it next time).

Linus Torvalds announcing the 2.6.19 Linux kernel.
Email message

Author Linus Torvalds
Work Email Message

"Not comparable" on Freenode's #perl

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castoff merlyn: is it true that array itteration is better performance wise than hash itteration?
* avar would guess that array iter is faster than hash iter
merlyn what is "hash iter"?
merlyn with "each()"?
castoff foreach key…
avar yeah, or keys
merlyn I don't see those as comparable
merlyn when you have a hash, and you need to iterate, you do.
merlyn when you have an array, and you need to iterate, you do
merlyn what is there to choose between?
castoff the hash has no real value stored other than the key so i converted to arrays
avar merlyn: you can compare the speed of the two operations
avar well duh
merlyn Why would you compare the speed of unrelated events?
merlyn "let's time baking this bread compared to driving to seattle"
merlyn it's pointless
ides merlyn: heh, yes, but I think it would make a funny performance comparison article! :)
merlyn "always optimize for baking bread!"
* avar eats merlyn
ides merlyn: I was thinking more along the lines of "Performance comparison on Perl vs RoR vs Ice Fishing"
merlyn "I repeated baking bread 5000 times to get the average"
merlyn "It took me six years"
ides merlyn: too bad there isn't a Benchmark module for my oven…
merlyn Ovenmark
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Not comparable

Jokes about Particle Physics on Freenode's #perl

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Teratogen Two atoms are walking down the street when one of them says "I think I've lost an electron." The second one says "are you sure?", to which the first one replies "Yes, I'm positive".
mpeg4codec So officer Schroedinger pulls over this quantum particle and he says ``Do you know how fast you were going?''
mpeg4codec the particle says, ``No, but I know exactly where I am.''
Teratogen everybody has heard of Schroedinger's cat experiment
Teratogen but very few people know that Schroedinger hated cats
Teratogen with a passion
Teratogen and actually experimented on them
Teratogen he even owned a set of cat-fur gloves
Teratogen cats mysteriously disappeared around Schroedinger's laboratory
Teratogen and there was no Chinese restaurant close by to explain the disappearances
mpeg4codec Schroedinger's cat: wanted dead AND alive
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Jokes about Particle Physics

Tel Aviv - a functional definition

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Tel Aviv - a functional definition:

Free parking space free space.

Shachar Shemesh
Blog Post

Author Shachar Shemesh
Work "Tel Aviv - a Functional Definition" (Blog Post)

Always find someone to blame on Freenode's #perl.

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Botje tecloSolaris: that's an irssi script. you can't run it outside irssi.
tecloSolaris but it fails in irssi
Botje why does it fail?
merlyn it fails because of its parents!
merlyn I blame its parents
merlyn It fails because of society.
merlyn it fails as a fundamental shortcoming of Perl
merlyn it fails at succeeding
Teratogen I blame society!
merlyn I blame Teratogen's society.
merlyn I'll blame the blamer
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Always find someone to blame

Linus Torvalds: Releasing Kernel 2.6.20 on Superbowl Sunday

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In a widely anticipated move, Linux "headcase" Torvalds today announced the immediate availability of the most advanced Linux kernel to date, version 2.6.20.

Before downloading the actual new kernel, most avid kernel hackers have been involved in a 2-hour pre-kernel-compilation count-down, with some even spending the preceding week doing typing exercises and reciting PI to a thousand decimal places.

The half-time entertainment is provided by randomly inserted trivial syntax errors that nerds are expected to fix at home before completing the compile, but most people actually seem to mostly enjoy watching the compile warnings, sponsored by Anheuser-Busch, scroll past.

As ICD head analyst Walter Dickweed put it: "Releasing a new kernel on Superbowl Sunday means that the important 'pasty white nerd' constituency finally has something to do while the rest of the country sits comatose in front of their 65" plasma screens".

Walter was immediately attacked for his racist and insensitive remarks by Geeks without Borders representative Marilyn vos Savant, who pointed out that not all of their members are either pasty nor white. "Some of them even shower!" she added, claiming that the constant stereotyping hurts nerds' standing in society.

Geeks outside the US were just confused about the whole issue, and were heard wondering what the big hoopla was all about. Some of the more culturally aware of them were heard snickering about balls that weren't even round.

-- Linus Torvalds announcing kernel 2.6.20 ( http://lwn.net/Articles/220544/ )

Author Linus Torvalds
Work Announcement of Kernel 2.6.20

Sesquipedallianism

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Sesquipedallianism:

Making excessive use of long words.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sesquipedallian

Work Definition for Sesquipedallian

TimToady's Lament

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TimToady TimToady's Lament: The pain in reign falls mainly in the 'splain. --
Channel #perl6
Network Freenode
Tagline TimToady's Lament

Slashdot: The Spanish Inquisition

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You fool. Why did you tell him the Spanish Inquisition is coming. Now he's going to expect it.

niconorsk on a Slashdot Comment

Author niconorsk
Work Slashdot Comment

Cluster of 386s

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From the Beowulf Cluster FAQ:

11. Should I build a cluster of these 100 386s? [1999-05-13]

If it's OK with you that it'll be slower than a single Celeron-333 machine, sure. Great way to learn.

Work Beowulf mailing list FAQ

Are you being installed in FreeNode's #perl

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* f00li5h installs q-mail
* dazjorz installs f00li5h
* Zaba installs dazjorz
jeeger qmail installs f00li5h
jeeger In soviet russia …
jeeger Software installs YOU!
* dazjorz rm -rf zaba
* f00li5h is in Soviet Australia
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Are you being installed?

Losing my Abstraction

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That's me in the corner.
That's me in the spotlight.
Losing my abstraction.

Trying to keep my point of view…
And I don't know if I can do it.
Oh no, I code too much.
Haven't debugged enough.

Is that why I heard you laughing?
I thought that I heard you ping.
I think I thought I saw you reply.

Author Andy Armstrong and Randal L. Schwartz
Work Perl module-authors post

Memorial Day Weekend and SQL Databases

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Slashdot Comment on Reasons to or not to use MySQL:

A nice flame war. I'm just going to sit back, crack a beer and enjoy it. It is almost memorial day weekend, you know. Hopefully it get hot enough in here to roast a hot dog.

Oh goody! I'll help get things going:

  • * MySQL users will have to wait until you are done with the fire before they can roast their hot dogs, since MySQL is not a real database and does not support concurrent roasting;
  • * I've read the PostgreSQL manual eight times and still can't figure out something as bloody simple as roasting a hot dog, though I did figure out I have to call VACUUM before I can apply ketchup;
  • * Serious enterprises who care about their hot dogs use Oracle, since you can roast over 10,000 dogs at once and optionally impart the taste of filet mignon;
  • * If you try to roast a footlong hotdog using MySQL it will silently truncate it to regular size, causing your child to cry;
  • * Oracle will sue you if you complain about the difficulty of starting your fire or the blackened taste of the dogs;
  • * With SQLite your hot dogs are pre-roasted;
  • * Last year on Memorial Day, mysqld leapt out of my MacBook Pro and pushed my cousin into the fire, resulting in third degree burns. And also it causes cancer. And terrorism. Blindness. Violent puppy death. BOO! MYSQL IS SCARY DON'T USE MYSQL!!

http://developers.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=236249&cid=19275875

Work Slashdot Comment

DailyWTF: Calculator 2.0

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Max Rabkin's description for his entry is better than anything I could come up with:

"Calculator 2.0 is an enterprise-level client-side numerical productivity suite. It leverages proven technologies to provide a clear and user-friendly interface to a rich set of efficient and powerful components. It is powered by an XML database."

OMGWTF Highlights #2: Misc. (The Daily WTF)

Work OMGWTF Highlights #2: Misc. (The Daily WTF)

Slashdot: Dual Core and Microsoft

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I think this is the idea behind dual core: 1 core belongs to microsoft, 1 core for you.

-- sucati on a Slashdot comment

No. All your core are belong to us.

-- geobeck in response.

Work Slashdot Comments

"Eye have a Spelling Chequer"

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Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Work Spell Chequer

Slashdot: Linus and Bill Gates

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Oh no, here we go again..

"Linus just made the kernel; it's irritating when he gets credit for Linux"

"Yeah, but at least he made the Kernel -- Gates just made the Basic compiler"

"That's news to me - have you ever heard of this guy called Paul Allen?"

"Doesn't matter - personally I think the Linux kernel isn't all that - I use BSD"

"Screw Linus -- he was wrong about Bitkeeper and Tivo so he's wrong about MS & Novell"

"Yeah, well at least he's not a convicted monopolist"

"Yeah, until M$ stops treating me like a criminal I refuse to buy their software"

Also insert random quotes and mis-quotes such as: "When Microsoft writes an application for Linux, I've Won." - Linus Torvalds "640kb ought to be enough for everybody" - Bill Gates

That about cover it? Can we have a non-childish discussion now? If there's any other slime to be thrown, just reply to this post -- let's keep the forum clean for an actual discussion.

Slashdot comment

Author dhavleak
Work Slashdot Comment

Free Karma on Freenode's #perl6.

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masak this definitely gives a more solid feel for kp6
masak kudos to whomever set exp_evalbot up!
moritz_ masak: that was me ;)
masak moritz_: kudos
masak moritz_++
spinclad moritz_++
fglock moritz++ :)
masak moritz_++ # the best thing about karma is that it's free
masak moritz++ # oh right
moritz_ thanks
moritz_ "karma is like software - it's better when it's free" ;-)
Channel #perl6
Network Freenode
Tagline Free Karma

Getting rich easily on Freenode's #perl.

Display

talexb Wow, I've won 4M pounds sterling, and all I have to do is contact someone in Zambia for more information. What could possibly go wrong?
rindolf talexb: heh.
jagerman Wait, I thought *I* won that.
talexb rindolf, Can't believe people still fall for that line ..
fwiles damn, wish I would win something… I just seem to be pre-approved for about $13 billion worth of home loans
talexb Oops, sorry jagerman .. I'm already faxing this lady my Power of Attorney!!!
talexb fwiiles, Oh, that'll buy you a nice semi in Toronto.
jagerman talexb: Oh, I'm way ahead of you then. I'm flying there to meet with "government officials."
jagerman I'm paying for it myself, of course, since I'll be rich once they transfer the money to me.
talexb jagerman, Rats! Hey, I know a couple of lawyers if you need 'em .. very trustworthy, share some office space with some barbers.
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Getting Rich Easily

Neo-Tech: All the Destruction for What?

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Poetical sing-song or hypnotically rhythmic meter are often found in the rhetoric of dictators, evangelists, sibyls, politicians, theologians, mountebanks, social "intellectuals", media men, medicine men, hallucinating psychotics, chanting shiites, and screaming terrorists. Consider how millions of normally rational Germans thrilled and responded to the poetical cadence and charisma of the consummate altruist neocheater, Adolph Hitler. The results: a reign of destruction with tens of millions of human beings slaughtered so one impotent man could indulge his mysticism to feel unearned power. All that slaughter was for nothing more than to let one neocheater feel a pseudo self-esteem. …Twenty million dead so one pip-squeak could feel big and important.

"So what!" cry the mystics as the lifetime efforts of a thousand productive, innocent individuals are blown to bits every day without a backward glance. So what if the troops roll across the country with military cadence and guns ablaze. So what if they level town after town, reducing to rubble and corpses all the values, beauty, and life that took generations of productive effort to build.

And that is all the chanting religious automatons or splendid Panzer divisions know how to do -- to destroy in a moment, without a thought, all the values that producers labored for lifetimes to build. Chanting mobs or marching troops never glance back, never think for a moment of the death and destruction they leave behind. So what! the mystics and neocheaters cry. So what if genocide happens in Russia, Nazi Germany, Cuba, Cambodia, Red China, or in our land. "I don't want to hear it! To hell with the lifetime efforts of productive individuals! …Save the snail darter!"

Neo-Tech Advantage No. 104

Author Frank R. Wallace
Work Neo-Tech Advantage No. 104

Fonts and Microsoft

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> > > Ah, understood.  I was stuck with Outlook at my last job, and it was
> > > impossible to get it to quote a message in a way that you could
> > > actually reply to things point by point.  It seemed optimized for
> > > sending a message to every person in the company and making all of
> > > your text blue.  What a fucking joke.
> >
> > If it's a joke you should use Comic Sans so everyone /knows/ it's
> > funny.
>
> No no, Comic Sans is for presentations to the shareholders!

Somebody who is presenting to shareholders knows how to change the
default font?

Weird…
Author Jonathan Rockway, Andy Armstrong, Jonathan Rockway, and Adrian Howard
Work Perl Module Authors Post

Slashdot: 1 out of 10 Lawyers

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Geez…get any 10 lawyers together, one will be a real decent person, the other nine will be total asshats.

Slashdot Comment

It just appears that way because it's logarithmic. 100 lawyers will net you 2 good ones, 1000 lawyers 3 good ones and so forth.

Slashdot comment

Work Slashdot Comment

What would Jesus do?

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What *would* Jesus do?

Oh my god.

http://xrl.us/7j6w

"They felt Jesus would not have approved of copyright breaches."

Jesus, you da man! Stick it to those kids!

You might be interested to note that the students had studied "Exodus 20:15 - you shall not steal" which comes a little way before Jesus anyway. Wasn't the whole point of Jesus coming to make the "new commandment" that people "love one another as I have loved you" and to annul the previous commandments that were given to Moses? I was raised Christian and was Christian for a long time but now am not, but I can't quite remember the specifics of this point.

Anyway, the point is that Jesus probably would have told them to stick Exodus to the man and just get on with the lovin'. Or something.

liedra in a blog post.

Author liedra
Work Blog Post

Geeky "Your Momma's So Fat" Jokes

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LeoNerd defc0n-: Make sure to use a nice tight knot, so your joined thread doesn't fall apart
Somni thread jokes, how droll
* LeoNerd grins "I have a whole stack of them waiting here.."
defc0n- C jokes are worse, a la if (malloc(sizeof(yourmom_t)) == NULL) printf("error: mom too fat\n");
idiotben joke? hell thats good logic! =P Your
idiotben Your momma so fat, the bitch needs PAE to fit in memory w/o using up swap
idiotben yo momma so fat, your dad has to run RHEL4's "hugemem" kernel
idiotben your mom is sooooo fat! everyone she comes in contact with has a buffer overflow!
LeoNerd … she needs 64k cluster size?
LeoNerd (going for a combined fat/FAT joke there)
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Geeky "Your Momma's So Fat" Jokes

use.perl.org - Managed C++

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Michael Frame:

Managed C++… there’s a pile of hate. Let’s take all the complexity and bad design in C++, and throw away the speed and efficiency by compiling it to .NET interpreted pseudocode instead. Microsoft has such great ideas when it comes to languages.

To which in reply, Yossi Kreinin:

What’s there not to like with C++/CLI? You can have macros expanding to templates from which generics are generated, and then have classes generated from the generics. And these classes can have a close function and two destructors, and hold references to unmanaged pointers to managed pointers! With C++, you only have duplicate features, but with C++/CLI, you can finally have triplicate ones! You see, this is a language for an expert. Experts love having 3 different ways to do things, each broken in its own way.

Work use.perl.org Blog Post

Display

I think you'll find that the [Windows] Desktop Search is completely inseparable from the desktop and that the latter would be rendered completely useless if it is uninstalled. Just like IE is.

speaker of the truth in http://it.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=339585&threshold=0&commentsort=0&mode=thread&cid=21112043

Author speaker of the truth
Work Slashdot Comment

A mouse is a device

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A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.

Author Unknown
Work alt.sysadmin.recovery

Writing a Mailing List Manager from Scratch

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Apart from the fact that I congratulate you for writing bugless software without peer review, I also congratulate you for being able to write a fully RFC compliant MLM that won't blow up when you receive input you didn't account for.

Quite frankly, even a crappy sysadmin can get a reasonable mailman setup working (including nice archiving), quicker than the best coder can rewrite a full MLM from scratch. And you still have time left over to modify/fix/improve mailman to do the few things it didn't do quite right for you.

But if your attitude to coding is "I'd rather rewrite all this than soiling my eyes and hands looking at someone else's code", that's not a very good way to get hired anywhere as a coder, and even if you are super brilliant, you end up being a DJB that people snicker at with "that guy thinks he's so bright that he had to write his own libc" (instead of fixing/wrapping the few problematic pieces of them, and in the case of reasonable maintainers, contributing the code back).

Author Marc Merlin
Work linux-elitists blog post

"Not doing it for money"

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We're not doing it for money…We're doing it for a shitload of money!

Excerpt from Spaceballs

Author Mel Brooks
Work Spaceballs

"%s on %s" on Freenode's #perl

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asarch Is there any web application framework for Perl? Something ala Ruby on Rails
integral asarch: Jifty and Catalyst and lots more!
archon- asarch: catalyst
integral for example CGI::Application.
Yaakov asarch: Perl on Pontoons.
integral Jifty is closer to Rails than Catalyst is
integral Catalyst is like Lego, Jifty is like that not-Lego stuff that sucks :-)
asarch Thanks Yaakov
asarch Let me see…
Yaakov I WAS LYING
Yaakov THERE ARE NO PONTOONS
integral Why can't you just use Rails? Too slow? Too crap?
asarch lol :-D
Yaakov Ruby on Rails will always seem like Ruby on Crack to me, thanks to that promotional video…
integral Haskell on Highways
Yaakov Logo on Logs
Yaakov PHP on PCP
integral BCPL on Boats
integral They should bring back BCPL
Yaakov JCL on Jets
anno- cobol on cobbles
Yaakov Algol on Airplanes
Yaakov Snobol on Snowmobiles
Yaakov Ada on Armored Transports
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline %s on %s

Slashdot: Response to "BBC Creates 'Perl on Rails'"

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Slasdhot Response to "BBC Creates 'Perl on Rails'":

This is proof that there is a conspiracy to make up absurd programming shenanigans to sell overpriced door stoppers! Coming soon…

  • "Perl on Rails for Dummies"
  • "Perl on Rails for Idiots"
  • "Perl on Rails Bible"
  • "Perl on Rails in 24 Hours"
  • "Perl on Rails in a Nutshell"
  • "Perl on Rails: The Missing Manual"

…at a bookstore near you to burn a hole in your wallet!

Author creimer
Work Slashdot Comment

"Worse is Better" (Larry Wall)

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Among the generalists, the conventional wisdom is that the worse-is-better approach is more adaptive. Personally, I get a little tired of the argument: My worse-is-better is better than your worse-is-better because I'm better at being worser! Is it really true that the worse-is-better approach always wins? With Perl 6 we're trying to sneak one better-is-better cycle in there and hope to come out ahead before reverting to the tried and true worse-is-better approach. Whether that works, only time will tell.

Larry Wall in "State of the Onion 11"
http://www.perl.com/pub/a/2007/12/06/soto-11.html?page=3

Author Larry Wall
Work State of the Onion 11

Too many Freenode #perl cooks.

Display

ew73 I have discovered another benefit to the unemployed status!
ew73 I can cook whenever I want.
sili ew73: cooking with… imagination?
ew73 sili: I'm actually quite good at teh cookingz.
sili ew73: ARE YOU GOOD PROGRAMMAR 2/
ew73 no :(
sili I guess that explains why you're unemployed :p
ew73 That was mean!
sili it's not like I stole your bike
ew73 That also would be mean.
phroggy good cooking impresses the ladies a lot more than good programming.
utopia_ depends on the lady
phroggy (any present female company excepted, of course)
jdv79 phroggy: except when you don't have any money
ew73 phroggy: But imagine, a good cook AND a good programmer.
sili I can cook some stuff.
phroggy jdv79: yeah, that nixes the deal. I have that problem too.
jdv79 its a start
ew73 "Here's my recipie for mushroom stir-fry. And HERE's the source for my nutritional database system."
phroggy haha
jim ew73: so when you load the data model, do you get the recipe free?
ew73 jim: Geek.
* jim looks around…
jim like yer any different :)
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Too many Freenode #perl cooks.

Security by perl-deprivation on Freenode's #perl.

Display

→FilipeMendes has joined #perl
FilipeMendes any way to avoid having users running perl? I need specify who can or who can not
dondelelcaro FilipeMendes: uh… why?
FilipeMendes security purposes
mauke haha
mauke chmod 0 /usr/bin/perl
dondelelcaro question repeated, with more emphasis and incredulity
FilipeMendes i want specify some users
Caelum FilipeMendes: why would you not want users running perl?
FilipeMendes chmod wouldnt be useful
dkr FilipeMendes: chmod 750 /usr/bin/perl; chgrp leet /usr/bin/perl; and put the leet people in that group ?
FilipeMendes hmmm
dondelelcaro you realize that any user who wants can just stick their own perl executable there?
go|dfish FilipeMendes: ACL , maybe.
dkr also your system scripts might rely on it
dondelelcaro (and probably all of the users actually end up using perl?)
dkr modify the perl code to have it exit based on checking a uid whitelist. :)
dkr change the name to something obscure only the cool people know
mauke _perl
dkr realize that removing tools does not remove abilities and give up
mauke the _ means it's private!
dkr mauke: :D
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Security by perl-deprivation

"It was 20 years ago today…"

Display

It was 20 years ago today
Larry Wall taught some text to play
It's been going in & out of style
But it's stuck around for quite a while()
So may I introduce to you
The tool you've loved for all these years
Larry's Practical Extract & Report Laaaanguage

It's Larry's Practical Extract Report Lang
5.10 still has some bugs to fix
Larry's Practical Extract Report Lang
Don't ask for a date for version 6…

http://perlbuzz.com/2007/12/it-was-twenty-years-ago-today.html
on Perl's 20th Birthday

Author Andy Lester
Work Perl's 20th Birthday

Linus Torvalds: The Purpose of Holidays

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The regression list keeps shrinking, so we're still on track for a full 2.6.24 release in early January. Assuming we don't all overeat during the holidays and nobody gets any work done. But we all know that the holidays are really the time when we get away from the boring "real work", and can spend 24/7 on kernel hacking instead, right?

Here's to a merry christmas, doing the whole druidic festival around the tree thing.

Linus Torvalds announcing Linux Kernel prepatch 2.6.24-rc6
http://lwn.net/Articles/262978/

Author Linus Torvalds
Work Announcing Linux Kernel prepatch 2.6.24-rc6

Counter-qouting Jamie Zawinski

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Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.

--Jamie Zawinski, in comp.lang.emacs

— OMouse in http://programming.reddit.com/info/1awnv/comments/c1axk7

Some people, when confronted with regular expressions, always think "I know, I'll paste that Jamie Zawinski quote, and people will think I'm clever!"

These people have a problem.

— dmd in http://programming.reddit.com/info/1awnv/comments/c1axqc

Author dmd
Work Reddit Comment

Boxing on Freenode's #perl

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BinGOs mst: doh.
BinGOs mst++ # thinking outside the box.
dwu mst++ # utterly destroying the box.
Daveman SELL THE BOX!
dwu CAPITALIST PIG!
Daveman :D
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Boxing

DJB on Command Interfaces

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I have discovered that there are two types of command interfaces in the world of computing: good interfaces and user interfaces.

Daniel J. Bernstein (DJB) in http://cr.yp.to/qmail/guarantee.html

Author Daniel J. Bernstein (DJB
Work "The qmail security guarantee"

Slashdot: Xeno's Paradox

Display

Xeno's paradox is easily disproved in three steps:

  1. Get crossbow and bolt.
  2. Aim crossbow at Xeno.
  3. Fire.

If the bolt moves to Xeno, then it is proved that movement is possible. Also, Xeno will be dead. Win win situation.

Author HUADPE
Work Slashdot Comment

Linus Torvalds: "The Patch Fell…"

Display

I bow down before you.

I thought I had done some rather horrible things with gcc built-ins and macros, but I hereby hand over my crown to you.

As my daughter would say: that patch fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down. Very impressive.

Author Linus Torvalds
Work Email

jerryleecooper on Windows

Display

Are you saying that this linux can run on a computer without windows underneath it, at all ? As in, without a boot disk, without any drivers, and without any services ?

That sounds preposterous to me.

If it were true (and I doubt it), then companies would be selling computers without a windows. This clearly is not happening, so there must be some error in your calculations. I hope you realise that windows is more than just Office ? Its a whole system that runs the computer from start to finish, and that is a very difficult thing to acheive. A lot of people dont realise this.

Microsoft just spent $9 billion and many years to create Vista, so it does not sound reasonable that some new alternative could just snap into existence overnight like that. It would take billions of dollars and a massive effort to achieve. IBM tried, and spent a huge amount of money developing OS/2 but could never keep up with Windows. Apple tried to create their own system for years, but finally gave up recently and moved to Intel and Microsoft.

Its just not possible that a freeware like the Linux could be extended to the point where it runs the entire computer fron start to finish, without using some of the more critical parts of windows. Not possible.

I think you need to re-examine your assumptions.

Author jerryleecooper
Work Talkback on ZDNet

Slashdot: Keep Modding up this Joke

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I mean really, after the first 6143569056076952107294386875907695350 times maybe it was worthy of a chuckle, but to keep on modding up this joke suggests some form of psychosis.

Wait, I'll put this in a way that you mods can understand:

  1. go to slashdot
  2. find a story
  3. find a comment on that story
  4. post a tired, old, lame-ass joke for the 9 billionth time
  5. ???????
  6. GET MODDED UP!

Ok, I followed the silly meme, where's my +5 Funny?

Author Anonymous Coward
Work Slashdot Comment

Linux Genuine Advantage #1

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Linux Genuine Advantage™ is an exciting and mandatory new way for you to place your computer under the remote control of an untrusted third party!

According to an independent study conducted by some scientists, many users of Linux are running non-Genuine versions of their operating system. This puts them at the disadvantage of having their computers work normally, without periodically phoning home unannounced to see if it's OK for their computer to continue functioning. These users are also missing out on the Advantage of paying ongoing licensing fees to ensure their computer keeps operating properly.

To remedy this, we have created a new program available as a required free download: Linux Genuine Advantage™!

Finally! Linux users can experience a feature that until now remained the exclusive domain of proprietary software.

Once you've installed Linux Genuine Advantage™, you'll want to register and send in your licensing fees to receive these important benefits:

  • Your computer, which worked just fine before, will continue functioning normally!
  • Our software which you just installed will not disable logins on your computer (as long as our license server keeps working properly)!
  • It's totally awesome! We might not raise the yearly licensing fees in the future!

Plus, if you act now, we promise not to launch unfounded lawsuits against you, slander you or our competitors in the press and the courts (possibly by using other smaller companies as pawns), or require you to pay us for software you won't use on every new computer you buy!

Work Linux Genuine Advantage

Linux Genuine Advantage #2

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Get the Linux Genuine Advantage!

Did you wake up this morning and say "I wish someone would figure out a way to let me do less with my computer"? You've come to the right place!

Work Linux Genuine Advantage

Linux Genuine Advantage - News

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08/25/2007 - The Windows Genuine Advantage servers went down worldwide, marking any Windows machines as pirated during Microsoft's server outage. Meanwhile, the Linux Genuine Advantage™ activation server was up the whole time. Truly another victory for Open Source software! Microsoft, contact us if you'd like to license Linux Genuine Advantage™, we'd love to enter into a lucrative licensing agreement. With the money you save, you could put the WGA programmers onto other tasks, like improving Vista!

02/03/2007 - The Linux Genuine Advantage™ crack is spreading! Someone uploaded it to The Pirate Bay! Looks like it's time to get more involved in Swedish politics from across the globe!

02/02/2007 - Linux Genuine Advantage™ has been cracked by computer hackers! Rather than improving our software, we'll be sending our team of intimidating lawyers to pay them a visit.

Work Linux Genuine Advantage

Larry Wall: Manipulexity and Whipuptitude

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If you were a Unix programmer you either programmed in C or shell. And there really wasn't much in between. There were these little languages that we used on top of shell, but that was the big divide. The big revelation that hatched Perl, as it were, was that this opened up into a two-dimensional space. And C was good at something I like to call manipulexity, that is the manipulation of complex things. While shell was good at something else which I call whipuptitude, the aptitude for whipping things up.

So Perl was hatched. As a small egg. That was Perl 1. And it was designed from the very beginning to evolve. The fact that we put sigils in front of the variables meant that the namespaces were protected from new keywords. And that was intentional, so we could evolve the language fairly rapidly without impacting.

And it evolved… And it evolved… And finally we got to Perl 5. And… So… Perhaps the Perl 6 slogan should be "All Your Paradigms Are Belong To Us". We'll get to that.

Author Larry Wall
Work Present Continuous, Future Perfect

Larry Wall's "My Own Irrationationalities"

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So I'd like to start off with my own irrationalities.

I don't think syntax should dangle in the wind. I'm with Aristotle. I think things should have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Which means I like K&R bracketing. I do not like the way that Python hangs stuff out there, with no end.

I think that ordinary people dislike abstraction. That's because I dislike abstraction and I think I'm ordinary. (laughter) I might be wrong about that, but I don't know.

I simultaneously believe that languages are wonderful and awful. You have to hold both of those. Ugly things can be beautiful. And beautiful can get ugly very fast. You know, take Lisp. You know, it's the most beautiful language in the world. At least up until Haskell came along. (laughter) But, you know, every program in Lisp is just ugly. I don't figure how that works.

I think visual metaphors are very important. How it looks. Different things should look different. Similar things should look similar. A language designer simultaneously has to care what other people think, and has to not care what other people think. Otherwise you go crazy. Well, crazier. (laughter)

And finally, I think God has free will. And therefore he created programmers with free will and that they ought to be given choices.

Author Larry Wall
Work Present Continuous, Future Perfect

Larry Wall's "Irrationalities of Other Languages"

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Now, I'm not the only language designer with irrationalities. You can think of some languages to go with some of these things.

  • "We've got to start over from scratch" - Well, that's almost any academic language you find.
  • "English phrases" - Well that's Cobol. You know, cargo cult English. (laughter)
  • "Text processing doesn't matter much" - Fortran.
  • "Simple languages produce simple solutions" - C.
  • "If I wanted it fast, I'd write it in C" - That's almost a direct quote from the original awk page.
  • "I thought of a way to do it so it must be right" - That's obviously PHP. (laughter and applause)
  • "You can build anything with NAND gates" - Any language designed by an electrical engineer. (laughter)
  • "This is a very high level language, who cares about bits?" - The entire scope of fourth generation languages fell into this… problem.
  • "Users care about elegance" - A lot of languages from Europe tend to fall into this. You know, Eiffel.
  • "The specification is good enough" - Ada.
  • "Abstraction equals usability" - Scheme. Things like that.
  • "The common kernel should be as small as possible" - Forth.
  • "Let's make this easy for the computer" - Lisp. (laughter)
  • "Most programs are designed top-down" - Pascal. (laughter)
  • "Everything is a vector" - APL.
  • "Everything is an object" - Smalltalk and its children. (whispered:) Ruby. (laughter)
  • "Everything is a hypothesis" - Prolog. (laughter)
  • "Everything is a function" - Haskell. (laughter)
  • "Programmers should never have been given free will" - Obviously, Python. (laughter)

So my psychological conjecture is that normal people, if they perceive that a computer language is forcing them to learn theory, they won't like it. In other words, hide the fancy stuff. It can be there, just hide it.

Author Larry Wall
Work Present Continuous, Future Perfect

Larry Wall - Taking a Trip

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Back to dimensionality. When you are saying something linguistically, it's like taking a trip. You know, when you take a trip from California to Netanya, you don't go straight south and then straight west and then straight north. It's not orthogonal. There are little bits at the beginning. Then you take bigger hops on the planes and then you take littler hops at the end. Language works the same way, it's fractal. There is little orthogonality. At least apparently; you can have orthogonal views of it, there are orthogonal subsets. But there are multiple orthogonal subsets. At first glance it just looks like a network, and you have to navigate the geography.

Author Larry Wall
Work Present Continuous, Future Perfect

Larry Wall - "Anthropology"

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Now in terms of the anthropology we try to welcome people into the tribe. We allow people to have their own little fiefdoms, where they are the ruler and can beat up on their followers.

We try to let people share with each other. We try to capture knowledge. Both of those things are why we have the CPAN, Comprehensive Perl Archive Network, which is arguably one of the greatest repositories of reusable crappy software in the world. (laughter).

And we have a culture of cooperating with other cultures too. We try to make Parrot so that other languages can ran on top of that. We've always tried to hook up Perl with everything. In kind of a humble sort of way. And finally it's culture of fun. At least we try to make it that way. And that's why I give weird talks.

Author Larry Wall
Work Present Continuous, Future Perfect

Linus Torvalds: Hardware for Servers

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So, everybody has a different idea. Everybody also has different hardware. The desktop is also where all the hardware really exists. Servers have 1% of the hardware that the desktop has in terms of different drivers and things like that. You don’t find webcams on servers generally. You don’t find oddball IDE drives on servers.

Author Linus Torvalds
Work Interview, Part II

Slashdot: High-Quality Microsoft Products

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«had been responsible for the 'production and distribution of more than 90 percent of the high-quality counterfeit Microsoft software products.»

Why doesn't MSFT sell these "high-quality" products instead of the crap they've been selling us for years.

Author boguslinks
Work Slashdot Comment

Timezone'd on Freenode's #perl

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x86 can someone tell me what this epoch translates to in %Y-%m-%d format? 1202256000
integral eval: POSIX::strftime("%Y-%m-%d", gmtime(1202256000))
buubot integral: 2008-02-06
x86 nice!
integral note that if you're not specifying timezone you're in for a world of hate
integral err, *pain
iank s/pain/butter/
iank I will dump butter on you unless you specify tz.
iank Also if you do specify tz.
iank Fuck it, I will dump butter on you, fullstop.
integral don't waste good butter on them, try margarine
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Timezone'd

CPAN is your Friend (or Enemy) on Frenode's #perl

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x86 gah
x86 DateTime::Format::Strptime is not one of the core modules
iank boo hoo cpan it
apeiron "i (can't|don't want to) use external modules"
iank (If only we had some sort of comprehensive archive network.. for perl stuff.. complete with a convenient tool you could use to easily fetch, build, and install modules!)
iank apeiron: "oh, but you're a dumbass"
iank "carry on then"
simcop2387-lab iank! i know i'll call it Ruby on Rails!
integral well, it'd be different if CPAN and CPANPLUS really were convenient.
x86 POSIX::strptime is not a core module either
x86 this sucks
apeiron Send patches or shut up. :)
iank CPAN IS VERY FUCKING CONVENIENT DO YOU WANT ME TO PUNCH YOU IN THE SPLEEN
integral apt-get : cpan :: brilliant : annoying
iank this : pretentious and awkward :: 1 : 1
x86 iank: not so conveinent when you're writing software to be deployed on 100 servers and you dont want to have to install the same module 100 times
integral bundle it with your app.
iank x86: stop failing at sysadmining
iank Or that.
integral They're also pure-perl so this is very, very trivial.
integral We have PARs which are jsut like Java's JARs for even more deployability win
iank woohoo
mst and people have this retarded obsession with only using core
mst I mean, anybody who does perl for a living grows out of it pretty fucking fast
mst but there's always colossal whining the first time you tell someone to get something from CPAN
integral But due to my last point, PAR isn't as well known as it should be
mst x86: thanks for being today's example :)
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline CPAN is your Friend (or Enemy)

As long as you don't resort to violence on Freenode's #perl

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mrmccrac- GumbyBRAIN: who is man bear pig?
GumbyBRAIN Man i need to get a modification of a fried pig and eating without my hands wouldn't be "too much bacon" for me; i don't know what @inc is?
iank mrmccrac-: he is half man, and half bearpig.
* shaldannon is half man, half asleep
iank Half ass leap?
iank What's a leap?
* shaldannon stabs iank
iank oof
* iank punches shaldannon
* shaldannon kicks iank in the groin
* iank passes out from the pain
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline As long as you don't resort to violence

chromatic: Choice of Syntax

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If choice of syntax were the main factor of the maintainability of existing code, wouldn't the comment mantra be "Comment what you're doing, not why"?

You can look up syntax in the language's documentation.

Author chromatic
Work Choice of Syntax

Mark Jason Dominus - "More about How to Ask a Good Question"

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I don't have many examples where the author really blew it, because I try not to answer those questions. I figure that even if I don't, someone else will come along and say ``Because you can't just make shit up and expect the computer to magically know what you mean, Retardo!''. And even if nobody does come along and say this, that's not a bad thing.

Author Mark Jason Dominus
Work "More about How to Ask a Good Question"

Light Bulb Joke

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Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to replace a lightbulb?

A: None! We'll fix it in software.

Author Unknown Author
Work Lightbulb Jokes - Computers

Linux Kernel Module's Programmer Guide: Beginning Programmers

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When the first caveman programmer chiseled the first program on the walls of the first cave computer, it was a program to paint the string `Hello, world' in Antelope pictures. Roman programming textbooks began with the `Salut, Mundi' program. I don't know what happens to people who break with this tradition, but I think it's safer not to find out. We'll start with a series of hello world programs that demonstrate the different aspects of the basics of writing a kernel module.

Author Ori Pomerantz
Work Linux Kernel Module's Programmer Guide

chromatic - "Program vs. Script" - #1

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The difference between a program and a script isn't as subtle as most people think. A script is interpreted, and a program is compiled.

Of course, there's no reason you can't write a compiler that immediately executes the compiled form of a program without writing compilation artifacts to disk, but that's an implementation detail, and precision in technical matters is important.

Though Perl 5, for example, doesn't write out the artifacts of compilation to disk and Java and .Net do, Perl 5 is clearly an interpreter even though it evaluates the compiled form of code in the same way that the JVM and the CLR do. Why? Because it's a scripting language.

Okay, that's a facetious explanation.

The difference between a program and a script is if there's native compilation available in at least one widely-used implementation. Thus Java before the prevalence of even the HotSpot JVM and its JIT was a scripting language and now it's a programming language, except that you can write a C interpreter that doesn't have a JIT and C programs become scripts.

Author chromatic
Work "Program vs. Script"

chromatic - "Program vs. Script" - #2

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Of course, if someone were to write an extra optimizer step for Perl 5 to evaluate certain parts of the optree and generate native code in memory on certain platforms without writing it out to disk (uh oh…) and then execute that code under certain conditions, all Perl 5 scripts would automatically turn into programs. You know, like .pmc files, or Python's .pyc files. Uh.

As well, if more people use Punie (Perl 1 on Parrot) this year than native Perl 1 -- a possibility -- then Perl 1 scripts automatically become Perl 1 programs because Punie can use Parrot's JIT. I don't know if this powerful upgrade from script to program is retroactive, but I see no reason why not.

Perl 5 scripts were briefly programs while Ponie was viable, but the removal of the code from the Parrot tree has now downgraded them back to scripts. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Author chromatic
Work "Program vs. Script"

chromatic - "Program vs. Script" - #3

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To summarize, if you have a separate compilation step visible to developers, you have programs. If not, you have scripts. An exception is that if you have a separate, partial compilation step at runtime and not visible to users, then you may have programs. The presence of one implementation that performs additional compilationy thingies at runtime instantly upgrades all scripts to programs, while the presence of an interpreter for a language in which people normally write programs, not scripts, does not downgrade programs to scripts. Program-ness is sticky.

I hope this is now clear.

Ironically some JavaScript implementations have JITs, so the colloquial name of the language should change from JavaScript to JavaProgram.

Script bad, four-legs good.

Author chromatic
Work "Program vs. Script"

Stroustrup on Ease of Use

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I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true - I no longer know how to use my telephone.

Author Bjarne Stroustrup
Work My Other New Computer (Replacement Model)

Moving Pianos

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Moving pianos is dangerous.
Moving pianos are dangerous.

Author Language Log
Work "Nearly All Strings of Words are Ungrammatical"

"Real men don't"

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> Someone here said "Real Men use LaTeX". So I'll add:
> * "Real men don't install Wine"
> * "Real men don't watch T.V."

Real men don't listen to sentences that start with "Real men don't".

Work Whatsup.org.il Comment

"Let a Thousand Flowers Bloom"

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I have to say I cringed a little when I read it, because it helps reinforce the idea that there's a sort of Perl Hierarchy, or that there are Perl Gods, or that "you must be this tall to ride".

Randal and I are just normal ol' Perl hackers. We just spend a lot of time on Perl, and writing about it, and talking about it. The only reason we are Perl luminaries is that we are Perl luminaries. I'm not necessarily a better programmer, or have better ideas, or I'm a better debugger than anyone else. I just do it and make noise about it.

Even though Joey's response was out of line, I admire his spirit of "I'm just going to go do it." TMTOWTDI is one of the cardinal rules of Perl. Similarly, over on the module-authors list, the perennial argument of "Maybe CPAN should have minimum requirements for posting modules" has raised its ugly head. Instead, I said what I always say during these arguments: "CPAN thrives BECAUSE of the unfettered uploading of shit, not in spite of it."

So to it will be with Joey's website. Maybe it will be a dismal failure. Maybe it will become the Next Great Perl resource. However, I know that there is zero chance of Next Great Perl resource if he doesn't try. The only way you get home runs is by stepping up to the plate, and if you strike out, you're doing pretty good. Batting 3/10 is a great batting average, but in real life we find those odds terrifying.

Personally, as much as I like the community around Perlmonks, I think it's a terrible site for new people, and is practically unsearchable. I'd love to see something leapfrog Perlmonks and become the Next Great Thing. That's why I stopped writing to use.perl.org, because I think it's a terrible news source. Instead, I started perlbuzz.com, and went with that. Yes, it's different, but that's OK.

Let a thousand flowers bloom!

Author Andy Lester
Work "Let a thousand flowers bloom"

What do you do with ideas?

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jrockway "omg i have web 2.0 photoship skillz AND LOVE TEH GIT LETS MAKE A STARTUP!!!11!!"
awwaiid it drops my cool-concept impressedness of github like 100 points
jrockway that's the rails mentailty
jrockway "i have an idea, so i'm going to make a company"
jrockway compared to the perl version, "i have an idea, so I'm going to write a module"
awwaiid is that why we're all poor?
jrockway awwaiid: no, starting companies is not how you get rich :)
Channel #moose
Network irc.perl.org
Tagline What do you do with an idea?

Manipulating People Using Perl

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Khisanth <insert obligatory disclaimer about parsing HTML with regex>
Botje Khisanth =~ s/disclaimer/death threat/
Khisanth I can live with that
Botje ooh, i got write access on Khisanth
Botje Khisanth =~ s/must sleep/must give Botje all my money/
Botje and now we play the waiting game … >:)
afallenhope Botje, write&
Botje yeah
* Khisanth gives all of Botje's money to himself
Botje Khisanth: that's not supposed to happen!
* Botje resets the universe
Khisanth buggy code
snegtul no such thing Khisanth! =)
snegtul the bugs are a lie!
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Manipulating People with Perl

OSNews.com: Mono Syllabic Review

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Win95 - Wow!
Win98 - Oh
WinMe - Ow!
Win2k - Oooh
WinXp - Meh
Vista - Doh!

This mono-syllabic review brought to you by the letter 'W' and the number '7'

Author fretinator
Work I can't imagine saying "oh, wow!" about

Cats and Computer Trees

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pkrumins Prim's algorithm, om nom nom
f00li5h cats don't like being trapped in trees, is handy to know how to traverse one quickly!
pkrumins true
pkrumins the more tree traversal algorithms a kit knows, the sneakier the kit is
* f00li5h visits every node, traveling on the minium weighted edges
pkrumins sneaky kit
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Cats and Computer Trees

"Stumble on a Wiki Page"

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Surely there's a better way, no?

Ask the maintainers of M::B, EU::MM and M::I to all export a `halt` function that does just this? That would also provide a convenient spot in the respective modules’ docs for related CPAN Testers arcana, so people wouldn’t have to stumble onto a wiki page in the bottom of a locked cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying “beware the leopard” in order to learn these trivia.

Author Aristotle Pagaltzis
Work Re: cpantesters - why exit(0)?

Samuel Beckett - Ever Tried

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Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter.

Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Author Samuel Beckett
Work Worstward Ho

Larry Wall on Ada Lovelace

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Suppose you went back to Ada Lovelace and asked her the difference between a script and a program. She'd probably look at you funny, then say something like: Well, a script is what you give the actors, but a program is what you give the audience. That Ada was one sharp lady…

Author Larry Wall
Work "Programming is Hard, Let's Go Scripting"

Larry Wall on BASIC

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Now, however it was initially intended, I think BASIC turned out to be one of the first major scripting languages, especially the extended version that DEC put onto its minicomputers called BASIC/PLUS, which happily included recursive functions with arguments. I started out as a BASIC programmer. Some people would say that I'm permanently damaged. Some people are undoubtedly right.

But I'm not going to apologize for that. All language designers have their occasional idiosyncrasies. I'm just better at it than most. :-)

Anyway, when I was a RSTS programmer on a PDP-11, I certainly treated BASIC as a scripting language, at least in terms of rapid prototyping and process control. I'm sure it warped my brain forever. Perl's statement modifiers are straight out of BASIC/PLUS. It even had some cute sigils on the ends of its variables to distinguish string and integer from floating point.

But you could do extreme programming. In fact, I had a college buddy I did pair programming with. We took a compiler writing class together and studied all that fancy stuff from the dragon book. Then of course the professor announced we would be implementing our own language, called PL/0. After thinking about it a while, we announced that we were going to do our project in BASIC. The professor looked at us like were insane. Nobody else in the class was using BASIC. And you know what? Nobody else in the class finished their compiler either. We not only finished but added I/O extensions, and called it PL 0.5. That's rapid prototyping.

Author Larry Wall
Work "Programming is Hard, Let's Go Scripting"

Larry Wall - JAM (no not that one)

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My first scripting language was written in BASIC. For my job in the computer center I wrote a language that I called JAM, short for Jury-rigged All-purpose Meta-language. Story of my life…

JAM was an inside-out text-processing language much like PHP, except that HTML hadn't been invented yet. We mostly used it as a fancy macro processor for BASIC. Unlike PHP, it did not have 3,000 functions in one namespace. We wouldn't have had the memory, for one thing.

Author Larry Wall
Work "Programming is Hard, Let's Go Scripting"

Larry Wall - LISP

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For good or ill, when I went off to grad school, I studied linguistics, so the only computer language I used there was LISP. It was my own personal McCarthy era.

Is LISP a candidate for a scripting language? While you can certainly write things rapidly in it, I cannot in good conscience call LISP a scripting language. By policy, LISP has never really catered to mere mortals.

And, of course, mere mortals have never really forgiven LISP for not catering to them.

Author Larry Wall
Work "Programming is Hard, Let's Go Scripting"

Larry Wall - Common Memes Floating Around

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I think, to most people, scripting is a lot like obscenity. I can't define it, but I'll know it when I see it. Here are some common memes floating around:

Simple language
"Everything is a string"
Rapid prototyping
Glue language
Process control
Compact/concise
Worse-is-better
Domain specific
"Batteries included"

…I don't see any real center here, at least in terms of technology. If I had to pick one metaphor, it'd be easy onramps. And a slow lane. Maybe even with some optional fast lanes.

Author Larry Wall
Work "Programming is Hard, Let's Go Scripting"

chromatic - Perl's reliable state of the art

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That's not helpful. When a project doesn't release a new version, some people say "Oh, don't use it! They don't release new versions!" When a project does release a new version, some people say "Oh, don't use it! It's not perfect yet!"

Meanwhile, the so-called reliable state of the art is a jumble of Perl which writes cross platform shell scripts to install Perl code, and you customize that by writing a superclass from which platform-specific modules inherit pseudo-methods which use regular expressions to search and replace cross-platform cross-shell code, with all of the cross-platform and cross-shell quoting issues that entails. I wish I were making any of this up. (I wrote tests for part of it.)

This is why we can't have nice things.

Author chromatic
Work "Re: Module::Build 0.30 is released"

"Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You" and more

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Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country

-- John F. Kennedy (from his Inaugural Address).

The common good before the private good.

-- One of the slogans of Nazism in Nazi Germany.

Author Based on a page on an Objectivism Site
Work Glossary of Nazi Germany in the Wikipedia

What are You Trying to Achieve?

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sQuEE eval: [qr/^(\d)(?{ "x{$1}" })$/]
buubot sQuEE: [qr/(?-xism:^(\d)(?{ "x{$1}" })$)/]
* mauke looks at sQuEE
sQuEE :$
fizztpok_ Man, I always feel like I'm getting the hang of Perl until I see nonsense like that.
mauke what are you trying to do?
sQuEE im trying to eval qr/$regex/ which contains ^(\d)(??{ "x{$1}" })$ , but $@ returns null
mauke no, what are you actually trying to do?
ik sQuEE: what is the point of doing the thing that you are doing?
sQuEE no, thats just a testing example
sQuEE im trying to assign $regex what i captured from a previous match using qr// , eval { $regex = qr/$2/ };
sQuEE im not sure what im doing wrong
mauke I'm not interested in what you're doing; what are you trying to achieve?
ik You're capturing a regex with a regex and attempting to use said regex?
ik I hope the data you're matching isn't input :(
PerlJam mauke: I'm trying to achieve world peace and this regex is the last thing standing in my way! ;)
Khisanth there will be no world peace!
* Khisanth stabs PerlJam
DrForr Can I at least have whirled peas?
* PerlJam fires up the whirly gig for DrForr and inserts some peas
* Khisanth dumps a bowl of whirled peas on DrForr's head
DrForr Mmm, whirled peas.
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline "What are you trying to achieve?"

What's the Difference Between JavaScript and Java?

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What's the difference between JavaScript and Java?

One is essentially a toy, designed for writing small pieces of code, and traditionally used and abused by inexperienced programmers.

The other is a scripting language for web browsers.

Author Shog9
Work Stackoverflow.com Question

"R is similar…"

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R is similar to other programming languages, like C, Java and Perl, in that it helps people perform a wide variety of computing tasks by giving them access to various commands.

New York Times article about R, quoted in jest's use.perl.org journal - http://use.perl.org/~jest/journal/38229

Author jest
Work "Worst sentence ever written about programming in the MSM"

"A discussion is not a war"

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tk: A discussion is not a war, to be won or lost. It is a communal quest for truth. And you are inhibiting it by responding at only the most superficial level. Look beyond the presence of a word to its context. Respond to the thoughts expressed there. Or simply leave.

Author slamb
Work "What does 'lose' mean?" (Comment on an Advogato Article)

"Someone is Wrong"

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mst but jrockway will bitch about them all anyway
stevan rhesa: 100% of those with the last name "Rockway" will do that
rhesa hehehe
rjbs Subject: catalyst framework not compatible with PERL
jrockway stevan: i am going to name my kid "Someone is WRONG"
stevan jrockway: I think that will be implied, no need to actually name him that
perigrin Someone is WRONG rockway
perigrin has a nice ring to it
Penfold aka 'little Bobby wrong'?
rhesa would make a great children's book series: SiW in the zoo etc
stevan :D
stevan the first one in the series should be Someone is Wrong on the internet
jrockway rhesa: that is a great idea!
jrockway rhesa: i have a friend who is writing a children's book
jrockway i will tell her to change the title and content immediately!
jrockway someone is wrong in the children's book industry!
rjbs "No, zookeeper. That animal doesn't have a tail; it's *not* a monkey!"
Channel #moose
Network irc.perl.org
Tagline "Someone is Wrong"

Lightning Fast Objects

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jrockway btw, feel free to LOL: http://stackoverflow.com/questions/605641/how-to-use-classarrayobjects
jrockway wow, such concise code
jrockway and i can FEEL THE SPEED from using arrays
rjbs bowl full of mush
rindolf jrockway: there was a discussion about using arrays as objects in module-authors.
jrockway i read it and laughed
jrockway (yeah, someone is wrong on the internet, but i don't really care)
rjbs I use JSON strings as my objects, and define my classes in terms of regexps that pull out the right attributes.
rjbs It makes the code portable to JavaScript, except the methods.
jrockway great plan!
jrockway regexps are fast in perl, because perl is designed for parsing text
rjbs tx, can I add "endorsed by jon rockway" to my precis?
jrockway oh yeah
jrockway i recommend you reverse the JSON first, though, to provide better encapsulation
jrockway otherwise people could read the objects… and that breaks encapsulation, dontchaknow
rjbs I use UTF-16 and rot4096.
jrockway UTF-16 IS TOO SLOW!
rindolf Heh.
jrockway i can't believe we are even having this conversation… utf-16…
jrockway i am never speaking to you again!
* rindolf wonders how one can combine JSON with inside-out objects.
rjbs jrockway: no, no, WITHOUT the bom
rjbs BOM is what makes it slow.
rjbs rindolf: sub id { my $self = shift; $json_parser_for{ $self }->decode($json_for{ $self })->{id} }
rindolf rjbs: LOL.
rindolf rjbs++
Dylan unicode: somebody set us up the BOM
ilmari BOM-de-ada
rindolf Where's the BOM? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering Ka-BOM!
rjbs I think Iran has it.
perigrin if it doesn't … Sen. McCain will introduce a bill to provide them with one
rjbs give the bom bom bom, bom to Iran
rjbs funnier if you pronounce Iran properly
perigrin iran … iran so far away …
rindolf iRack - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rw2nkoGLhrE
autarch someone set us up the BOM
jnapiorkowski I thought all our base waz ownzed or something like that
* confound is the king of BOM
rjbs who's the BOM king?
confound I'm the BOM king!
ubu "once i was the King of BOM"
rjbs hear me now
Channel #moose
Network irc.perl.org
Tagline Lightning Fast Objects

"pgTAP 0.20 Infiltrates Community"

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I did all I could to stop it, but it just wasn't possible. pgTAP 0.20 has somehow made its way from my Subversion server and infiltrated the PostgreSQL community. Can nothing be done to stop this menace? Its use leads to cleaner, more stable, and more-safely refctored code. This insanity must be stopped! Please review the following list of its added vileness since 0.19 to determine how you can stop the terrible, terrible influence on your PostgreSQL unit-testing practices that is pgTAP: …

Don't make the same mistake I did, where I wrote a lot of pgTAP tests for a client, and now testing database upgrades from 8.2 to 8.3 is just too reliable! And by all means, DO NOT read the documentation or download and install this monstrosity, since it could easily lead to cleaner, more stable code, and therefore losing your job!

http://pgtap.projects.postgresql.org/ http://pgfoundry.org/frs/?group_id=1000389

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Good luck with your mission.

Author David E. Wheeler
Work pgTAP 0.20 Infiltrates Community

"I'm a Lesbian…"

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I'm a Lesbian born in a man's body.

Author Unclear (origin needed)
Work Unknown

If you have the same ideas as everybody else…

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If you have the same ideas as everybody else, but have them one week earlier than everyone else - then you will be hailed as a visionary. But if you have them five years earlier, you will be named a lunatic.

— Barry Jones

Author Barry Jones
Work Barry Jones Quotes

Great, mediocre and small minds

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Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.

Unknown, quoted by Admiral Hyman G. Rickover

Author Hyman G. Rickover
Work Hyman G. Rickover Quotes

Tail for the lions…

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Better be a tail for the lions, rather than the head of the jackals.

Rabbi Mathiah Ben Charash in Pirkei Avot 4, 15

Author Rabbi Mathiah Ben Charash
Work Pirkei Avot 4, 15

Learned a lot from my teachers

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I learned a lot from my teachers, and from my friends more than my teachers, and from my pupils the most.

— Rabbi Hanina, the Talmud

Author Rabi Hanina, The Jewish Talmud
Work "Three Levels of Learnings" (from "Thoughts about the Best Introductory (Programming) Language")

Slashdot: Internet Explorer is Perfectly Safe

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I must dispute your view in the strongest terms possible. Internet Explorer is perfectly safe for everyday use. However, as there is no such thing as perfect security, you must take additional precautions to keep evil hackers away from your data. Apply these rules according to the sensitivity of your data, from least important to most:

  • Disconnect your computer from your local network. Download files on another computer, scan them for viruses, print them out, scan them into your Windows PC using ORC software, and then view the pages in IE.
  • Do the above, but have a priest onsite to bless each page individually before scanning it. This is an excellent deterrent against viruses with the word "demon" in the name.
  • Do the above, but encase your PC in acrylic and immerse it in a 10,000 gallon tank of holy water. Interact with it while wearing scuba gear.
  • Do the above, but put a lid on the tank and immerse it in the ocean. Interact with your PC via a submersible robot in the tank from from outside while wearing scuba gear.

If you fail to follow these simple security guidelines, you can't blame Microsoft for the results.

Author palegray.net
Work "Re: Breaking News" Slashdot Comment

What is an encyclopedia?

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Yesterday I asked one of my students if she knew what an encyclopedia is, and she said: "Is it something like Wikipedia?".

Author alisonclement
Work Twitter Twit

J. Hall in response to Dr. Judith Bauer

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The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power.

By the eight brazen balls of Azuza the Bibulous Bandicoot, I'd rather be cast naked and chained into a lake of bubbling white hot fondue cheese than be one of her students.

That is, if she actually teaches anything at Berkeley [which can be, really, a lovely place full of very smart science people, theologians and historians, though you'd never know it by this whale's spout of academic doublespeak].

I suspect she sits on a lot of committees and inserts the word 'hegemony' into conversations as often as possible and is avoided at all costs during the holidays lest one become becalmed in the horse latitudes of her spleen regarding Christmas trees, "The Ref" and the hegemony of Zionist post-piety in a restructured universe of gender in-articulation.

For a full PhD at UCB in a language art, she cannot, and will not, though, write a simple, clear, understandable sentence. Think about that for a minute.

And to think my Cal state taxes pay for her office desk chair. Man.

Hegemoniously yours, etc.

J

Author J. Hall
Work Post to writers@mit.edu .

Valerie Aurora: Sleeping with the Enemy

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Jonathan Schwartz’s resignation via Twitter reminded me of a strange facet of Sun company culture: I’ve never known so many married couples working for the same company. Some of them even worked on the same project together. For the same boss. From home.

Now, the exact percentage of married couples in a company can’t be used to compare companies directly – after all, it depends heavily on things like industry, age, and local marriage laws – but it seems linked to another facet of Sun company culture: Complete, almost embarrassing disconnect from public opinion.

The post-Google standard company perks – free food, on-site exercise classes, company shuttles – make it trivial to speak only to fellow employees in daily life. If you spend all day with your co-workers, socialize only with your co-workers, and then come home and eat dinner with – you guessed it – your co-worker, you might go several years without hearing the words, “Run Solaris on my desktop? Are you f—ing kidding me?

Schwartz’s “the financial crisis did it” explanation for Sun’s demise is a symptom of an inbred company culture in which employees at all levels voluntarily isolated themselves from the larger Silicon Valley culture. Tech journalists write incessantly about the exchange of expertise and best practice between companies as a major driver of the Bay area’s success. But you have to actually talk to your competition to do that – over a beer, or maybe a pillow.

Author Valerie Aurora
Work "Sleeping with the enemy"

All American Rejects - "Gives You Hell" Quote

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And truth be told I miss you.

And truth be told I'm lying.

Author The All American Rejects
Work "Gives You Hell" Lyrics

Rob Pike's Answer to "One Tool for One Job"

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One tool for one job?

Given the nature of current operating systems and applications, do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job well" has been abandoned? If so, do you think a return to this model would help bring some innovation back to software development?

(It's easier to toss a small, single-purpose app and start over than it is to toss a large, feature-laden app and start over.)

Rob Pike: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by Perl.

Author Rob Pike
Work Slashdot Interview

Larry Wall about Do One Thing and Do it Well

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Or think about shell programming, and reductionism. How many times have we heard the mantra that a program should do one thing and do it well?

Well…Perl does one thing, and does it well. What it does well is to integrate all its features into one language. More importantly, it does this without making them all look like each other. Ducts shouldn't look like girders, and girders shouldn't look like ducts. Neither of those should look like water pipes, and it's really important that water pipes not look like sewer pipes. Or smell like sewer pipes. Modernism says that we should make all these things look the same (and preferably invisible). Postmodernism says it's okay for them to stick out, and to look different, because a duct ought to look like a duct, and a sewer pipe ought to look like a sewer pipe, and hammer ought to look like a hammer, and a telephone ought to look like either a telephone, or a Star Trek communicator. Things that are different should look different.

Author Larry Wall
Work "Perl, the first postmodern computer language"

Slashdot: Jokes on Slashdot

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Which is why I didn't belabor it, or introduce it out of context. I was pointing out that Firefox's scheme is only as secure as the master password you choose. The particular bad password I chose for the Spaceballs reference on the hope that it might get a chuckle or trigger a brief moment of pleasant nostalgia, forgetting that on /., every joke must be beaten to death and explained, rehashed, insulted, re-explained by someone who thinks the insult came due to unfamiliarity, etc., until all traces of humor vanish. Oh well…

Hmm… This is an old story, so this probably won't receive any mods, but I have no idea what I'd mod it if I were moderating. Flamebait/Insightful/Funny/Interesting/Off-topic maybe? Mods, if you can coordinate to apply each of those once, it would be awesome (and I'd end up with overall neutral Karma!). :-)

Author ShadowRangerRIT
Work "Re: Prettier Tool, Old Exploit"

Larry Wall Quote

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Doing linear scans over an associative array is like trying to club someone to death with a loaded Uzi.

Author Larry Wall
Work "Re: grep on keys of associative array s-l-o-w. Why?" (comp.lang.perl Usenet post)

What does "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." really mean?

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I keep hearing and reading this nice proverb if it ain't broke, don't fix it. The latest apperance was in response to Shlomi Fish suggesting that some Ancient Perl code should be replaced by Modern Perl code.

I am not saying that every pices of code should be rewritten every 6 months, but in my understanding that sentence actually translates to let's wait till it breaks and then panic.

I think people who say that sentence are afraid that the new version will break something. Sure, there is always a chance that a change introduces an error, but, if we are afraid to touch the code, what will happen when later on we encounter a case where it does not work? For example, if we need to use it in a new environment. Will we have the courage to change the code then? How much will it cost in money, time, and lost sleep?

I think we have been trying to teach ourselves that we should have really good test coverage of our code and then we can easily refactor it and get rid of technical debt. So why do we keep hearing that sentence?

Author Gabor Szabo
Work What does "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." really mean?

Gabor Szabo on "I don't know Perl."

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Often, when I ask the people I train if they know Perl, they tell me “I don't know Perl. I can only read it”. I wonder whether it indicates that Perl is not a write-only language as some people like to claim.

Author Gabor Szabo
Work Gabor Szabo (Perl programmer and trainer)

Slasdhot on Patents on Reality T.V.

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(Discussing patents on storylines.)

Hopefully someone will patent reality TV shows. I am rather sick of those.

Wait no, this wont work. You need to have a story to be able to patent it. Soon all that will be on the air is reality TV. Noooo!

Author nitehawk214
Work USPTO Issues Provisional Storyline Patent

Vanguard about Real Programmers

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Real programmers use a nice editor and a nice programming language and get it done in less than O(N!).

-- vanguard on Freenode's ##programming

Author vanguard
Work FreeNode's ##programming

Modern Fairy Tale about Short Stories

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* Juliet|Awesome should publish her short stories
cmptrgeekken can #so get a discount, juju?
Juliet|Awesome only if you say nice things about them
cmptrgeekken "This book is teh s3x"
Juliet|Awesome I'm like one of those people who is so overly critical about her writing and has such an intense fear of failure that I never… ummmm…. get around to it
madsy Juliet|Awesome: Your title can be "Kawaii". Now get to it ;-)
Juliet|Awesome Once upon a time there was midwestern computer programmer who couldn't bring herself to write the warped and tortured stories spinning round and round her sordid imagination
jessicah and then a kiwi married her and made all things right in her world
jessicah ;)
Juliet|Awesome Then she did, and it was awesome, for she was awesome. She absolutely radiated with awesomeness, so much so it gave all the kids at the nearby elementary school a rare form of leukemia and radiation sickness
Channel #stackoverflow
Network Freenode
Tagline The Awesome princess, rescued by the awesome prince on his awesome white horse

Gandhi - “An Eye for an Eye…“

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An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.

Author Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (Attributed)
Work Mohandas Gandhi's Quotes

Spaceballs - Druish Princess

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Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.

Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.

Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Author Mel Brooks
Work Spaceballs

UserFriendly.org: Greg at the Veterans Club

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[ Greg the tech support guy is sitting in a Veterans club along with a veteran. ]

Veteran: Tech support? What the hell kind of wussy veteran experience is that?!

Greg: Look, pal, you try to deal rationally with a horde of puerile, clueless, I-make-more-money-than-you-so-fix-this-now dorks on a daily basis and then tell me who should get a medal.

[ Pause. ]

Veteran: I…I'm sorry. I didn't know...

Greg: Buddy, you have just no idea what real pain is about.

Author Illiad
Work UserFriendly Comic Strip for 10 October, 2001

“Yo Dawg,”

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Lubaf “yo dawg, we heard you like recursion, so we put a yo dawg, we heard you like recursion, so we put a yo dawg, we heard you like recursion…”
rindolf Lubaf: :-)
Lubaf Further variation: “yo dawg, we heard you don’t like fractals.”
Channel #wikipedia
Network Freenode
Tagline Yo Dawg

There was one Napoleon…

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There was one Napoleon, one George Washington, and one me!

Author Jim Cash and Joe Epps Jr.
Work Dick Tracy (1990 film)

“If at first…”

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Author Unknown
Work Unknown

Daniel Browning about Correct Spelling and Grammar

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In this doggy-dog world, does grammer; spelling; “or correct” quotation usage really matter anymore? I beleive not. Case and point: mitsakes is literally a diamond dozen, but they TOTALLY don’t make me want to claw my eyes out with a dull spoon. Irregardless, it begs the question: is it a mute point? For all intensive purposes, if bad enlgish would of been the downfall of society, then we’d of seen it bye now. some say teh worst problem is loosing capitalization punctuation is also an issue i think some thoughts need to be seperated or maybe its the run on sentences? Does it try your patients when I’LOL OMG Y U BFF said IDK BRB?!! OIC, the BBQ is W/E GF IKR!! 1 How bad does it get before i.e. its something up with which you will not put?

Author Daniel Browning
Work Post to the Portland Perl Mongers Mailing List

“A UDP packet walks into a bar”

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A UDP packet walks into a bar, no one acknowledges him.

A TCP packet walks into a bar twice because no one acknowledged him the first time.

An ICMP packet walks into a bar, says “Hello!” to the bartender, who then in turn runs out to tell the ICMP packet’s wife.

A BGP peer walks into a bar, exchanges contact details with every one, then leaves and… yeah I’ve probably gone over my quota for terrible jokes today.

Author Omega-00
Work You Down with UDP?

UDP Joke

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The best thing about a UDP joke is that I don’t care if you get it or not.

Author Brandon
Work You Down with UDP?

Steven Rostedt about comments and code

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Golden rule #12: When the comments do not match the code, they probably are both wrong ;)

Author Steven Rostedt
Work Post to the Linux kernel mailing list

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Way too boring, what you really want is for every package to have its own twitter account so you can tweet karma :-).

You might be on to something here! But the 140 char limit would really stifle my creativity when it comes to comments. I'd rather create facebook pages for every package - that way we could add karma by “liking” a package.

We could even take it a step farther and use this for marketing. Just imagine - “Play farmville with glibc next wednesday and learn about the great new features!”, “gdb has shared a picture with you”, “NetworkManager wants to be your friend”. Oh the possibilities …

Then again, the thought of getting an email saying “Anaconda is now following you on Twitter” also amuses me.

Author Tim Flink
Work Re: Fedora QA and Google Summer of Code 2012

Children warned name of first pet should contain 8 characters and a digit

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Popular pet names Rover, Cheryl and Kate could be a thing of the past. Banks are now advising parents to think carefully before naming their child’s first pet. For security reasons, the chosen name should have at least eight characters, a capital letter and a digit. It should not be the same as the name of any previous pet, and must never be written down, especially on a collar as that is the first place anyone would look. Ideally, children should consider changing the name of their pet every 12 weeks.

Expectant mothers have also been advised to choose carefully where they give birth. Anywhere that has a place name is best avoided. These are listed on maps, which are freely available on the Internet.

It’s a good idea too, security experts have warned, for children not to get friendly with certain teachers. For instance, Miss Smith may be enriching your son’s education but he should try and see if he can’t make a favourite of Father O’Grinnighan-Scythe II, even though it may mean a lot of staying late.

We tried to call Barclays’ security expert R0b Ste!nway for a comment, but he was not available for 24 hours, having answered his phone incorrectly three times in succession.

Author Boutros
Work NewsBiscuit Post

Why Debian May Have an Older Version of a Package

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There are a ton of reasons why Debian may have an older version of an upstream release. For example, and I hasten to point out that the following list is by no means exhaustive, and not all of the possibilities are common:

  • The Debian package maintainer is dead, but nobody noticed it yet, and nobody has wanted an update badly enough to do an NMU or to adopt the package.
  • The upstream release is actually a fake. It's a trojan, which was put there by the NSA in order to infiltrate the CIA mainframe. The Debian package maintainer noticed this and uploaded that version of the package to non-free instead of main, since the trojan code does not come with proper source.
  • Upstream has moved the RSS feed for new releases without notifying the old feed of the move, so the Debian package maintainer missed that, and doesn't actually know about the new release. Due to a complicated series of happenstance involving rainbows, midget unicorns, and the ongoing rewrite of the Netsurf web browser, the Debian package maintainer is not able to find the new feed because it would require doing a web search and their browser doesn't have working form support now. No other browser is available on the Amiga they're using as their only computer, either.
  • The new release is requested by insistent Hurd porters, and the Debian package maintainer absolutely loathes the Hurd, and will refuse to upload any packages that work on the Hurd.
  • The Debian package maintainer suffers from mental problems cause by reading debian-devel too much, and now has a nervous breakdown every time they recognize a name as someone whom they've seen on the list.
  • The Debian development process is being sabotaged by Microsoft sending people to the developers' houses pretending to be TV license checkers or Jehova's witnesses every time they detect, using the hardware wireless keylogger embedded in every PC, that the developer is trying to run any Debian packaging command.
  • Apple is also sabotaging Debian by paying me to write snarky e-mails on Debian mailing lists to distract everyone from working on the actual release, so that we can get past the freeze and start uploading things again without having to worry that it breaks things in ways that makes the freeze longer.
Author Lars Wirzenius
Work Post to debian-devel

Writing for the World

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Some European users bugged me into adding an option to limit the number of messages retrieved per session (so they can control costs from their expensive phone networks). I resisted this for a long time, and I'm still not entirely happy about it. But if you're writing for the world, you have to listen to your customers—this doesn't change just because they're not paying you in money.

Author Eric Raymond
Work The Cathedral and the Bazaar

Excerpt from “Best Thing I Never Had”

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Thank God I found the good in goodbye!

Author Beyoncé
Work “Best Thing I Never Had”

Eleanor Roosevelt Quote

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Do one thing every day that scares you.

Author Eleanor Roosevelt
Work Quote

Larry Wall: “All Truth is God’s Truth”

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I have a book on my bookshelf that I’ve never read, but that has a great title. It says, “All Truth is God’s Truth.” And I believe that. The most viable belief systems are those that can reach out and incorporate new ideas, new memes, new metaphors, new interfaces, new extensions, new ways of doing things. My goal this year is to try to get Perl to reach out and cooperate with Java. I know it may be difficult for some of you to swallow, but Java is not the enemy. Nor is Lisp, or Python, or Tcl. That is not to say that these languages don't have good and bad points. I am not a cultural relativist. Nor am I a linguistic relativist. In case you hadn't noticed. :-)

Author Larry Wall
Work Larry Wall’s “Perl Culture” Keynote

The CIA vs. The KGB vs. The Shin Bet

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A contest is being held to see which intelligence agency can find a rabbit in a forest as quickly as possible.

First, it's the CIA's turn. Using cutting edge satellite technology, deep electronic scans, and other high-tech equipment, it is able to locate the rabbit in a week.

Then, it's the KGB's turn. They install secret agents, bribe or threaten a few animals, and find the rabbit in two weeks.

Then it's the Shin Bet’s turn (the Shin Bet being the Israeli internal security agency). A week passes, and then two, and then three.

After two months, the camera zooms into the forest to see a bear tied to a tree with a Shin Bet agent slapping him saying “Admit you’re a rabbit! Admit you’re a rabbit! Admit it already, goddamnit!”

Author Israeli Joke
Work Google Plus Post

An Engineer in Hell

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You are in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Author Unknown
Work Joke

Joke: The Believer Rabbi

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There was a Rabbi living in Louisiana - he was great in the Torah, very friendly, extremely helpful and righteous - helps the poor, finds jobs for people, resolves feuds - everybody liked him. And he lived in a remote shack on the Louisiana coast, right before Hurricane Katrina came.

So two people arrived there in a Jeep and told the Rabbi: “Rabbi, there will be a flood, come with us so you’ll be saved.” and the Rabbi said: “No, that’s OK - God will save me.”.

And indeed it started to rain, and there was a lot of water, and so a boat arrived at the Rabbi’s house and the people there told the Rabbi: “Rabbi, there’s a flood, come with us and you’ll be saved.” and the Rabbi told them: “No, that’s OK - God will save me.” and he remained there.

And it continued to rain, and the water level went up and the Rabbi had to climb to the roof of his shack. A helicopter arrived at his shack, and the people inside told the Rabbi: “Rabbi, there’s a big flood. Come with us to safety.”, and the Rabbi said: “No, that’s OK - God will save me.”. And the Helicopter left.

The water levels rose even more, and the Rabbi drowned, and his soul went to heaven. There he confronted God and asked him: “Dear God all mighty, I have been a righteous and good man my whole life - why didn't you save me?”, and God replied “Well, I tried. I sent you a Jeep, a boat - even a helicopter - but you wouldn't accept any of them. What more could I have done?”

————

Moral of the story is: God helps them that help God help them.

Author Unknown
Work Joke

Joke: How did the Engineering Student Get His Bicycle

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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, and said: “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Author Unknown
Work Jokes: Comprehending Engineers

Larry Wall - The Ada Programming Language

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Once I got into industry, I wrote a compiler in Pascal for a discrete event simulator, and slavered over the forthcoming Ada specs. As a linguist, I don't think of Ada as a big language. Now, English and Japanese, those are big languages. Ada is just a medium-sized language.

Author Larry Wall
Work "Programming is Hard, Let's Go Scripting"

Excerpt from “Bad Grammar” by James at War

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I’m worser at superlatives.
And I don’t ever use no double negatives.

Author James at War
Work “Bad Grammar”

Excerpt from Wyrd Sisters by Terry Pratchett

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It was a good storm. There was quite effective projection and passion there, and critics agreed that if it would only learn to control its thunder it would be, in years to come, a storm to watch.

Author Terry Pratchett
Work Wyrd Sisters

Excerpt from Harvey Danger’s “Wine, Women, and Song”

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I figured wrong (with a capital R).

Author Harvey Danger
Work “Wine, Women, and Song”

Joke: Praying at the Western Wall

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In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old Rabbi who visited the Kotel, the Western Wall to pray twice a day every day for over five decades.

In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is. She watches the old man at prayer and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. “I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?”

“For about 50 years,” he informs her. “That’s amazing! What do you pray for?” “I pray for peace between the Jews and Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”

“And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a brick wall!”

Author Unknown
Work Joke

Lawrence Lessig: Rewarding the Critics

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I find it insanely difficult to read these comments [to my blog posts]. Not because they’re bad or mistaken, but mainly because I have very thin skin. There’s a direct correlation between what I read and pain in my gut. Even unfair and mistaken criticism cuts me in ways that are just silly. If I read a bad comment before bed, I don’t sleep. If I trip upon one when I’m trying to write, I can be distracted for hours. I fantasize about creating an alter ego who responds on my behalf. But I don’t have the courage for even that deception. So instead, my weakness manifests itself through the practice (extraordinarily unfair to the comment writer) of sometimes not reading what others have said.

So then why do I blog all? Well, much of the time, I have no idea why I do it. But when I do, it has something to do with an ethic I believe that we all should live by. I first learned it from a judge I clerked for, Judge Richard Posner. Posner is without a doubt the most significant legal academic and federal judge of our time, and perhaps of the last hundred years. He was also the perfect judge to clerk for. Unlike the vast majority of appeals court judges, Posner writes his own opinions. The job of the clerk was simply to argue. He would give us a draft opinion, and we’d write a long memo in critique. He’d use that to redraft the opinion.

I gave Posner comments on much more than his opinions. In particular, soon after I began teaching he sent me a draft of a book, which would eventually become Sex and Reason. Much of the book was brilliant. But there was one part I thought ridiculous. And in a series of faxes (I was teaching in Budapest, and this was long before e-mail was generally available), I sent him increasingly outrageous comments, arguing about this section of the book.

The morning after I sent one such missive, I reread it, and was shocked by its abusive tone. I wrote a sheepish follow-up, apologizing, and saying that of course, I had endless respect for Posner, blah, blah, and blah. All that was true. So too was it true that I thought my comments were unfair. But Posner responded not by accepting my apology, but by scolding me. And not by scolding me for my abusive fax, but for my apology. “I’m surrounded by sycophants,” he wrote. “The last thing in the world I need is you to filter your comments by reference to my feelings.”

I was astonished by the rebuke. But from that moment on, I divided the world into those who would follow (or even recommend) Posner’s practice, and those who wouldn’t. And however attractive the anti-Posner pose was, I wanted to believe I could follow his ethic: Never allow, or encourage, the sycophants. Reward the critics. Not because I’d ever become a judge, or a public figure as important as Posner. But because in following his example, I would avoid the worst effects of the protected life (as a tenured professor) that I would lead.

Author Lawrence Lessig
Work Remix: Making Art and Commerce Thrive in the Hybrid Economy

Gabor Szabo: Yak Shaving

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I was lucky as Ricardo SIGNES was also awake who explained that actually he has stopped using Module::Starter as he is writing Dist::Zilla that provides much better project management capabilities. I pointed him at my blog entry and after reading it he asked me if I know the expression yak shaving. I've heard it, actually I even read about it in in The Productive Programmer I mentioned earlier in The Quest for the Perfect Editor but I did not really understood it.

Actually I think I understood it back when I read the book but promptly forgotten it as I did not have any way to connect the expression to the actions or lack of actions.

I was so lucky to find Ricardo there as he explained:

  • I need to fix this bug, but first I better eat something so I don’t get tired.
  • So I'm going to have some cereal, but I'm out of milk.
  • So I'll go get some milk. But I heard that yak milk is the best, so I'll go out to Nepal to find a yak.
  • But they're all so hairy, I can't get to their udders.
  • So, first I'll just shave the yak.

This is just the way you have to teach. Now I can remember it much more easily.

Author Gabor Szabo
Work “Yak Shaving” Blog Post

Excerpts from the T.V. Show Friends

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #1

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Phoebe: Yeah, so I said, “OK, relax please,” y’know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y’know, it’s, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that’s fine too. So after a looooot of talking… I convinced him.

Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.

Phoebe: Um-hum.

Joey: This man is my God.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #2

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Chandler: Alright, ok, alright. So I can’t fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.

Joey: Karen.

Chandler: Yeah, Karen. I’m thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.

Joey: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man.

Chandler: Oh well it’s not me, it’s my character, Chandy. Yeah, the rogue processor who seduces his co-workers’ wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.

Joey: Really?

Chandler: No freakshow, she’s fictional.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #3

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Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It’s just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #4

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Rachel: Let me tell you something. As a woman there, is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #5

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Duncan [Phoebe’s Husband]: Oh God, I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m straight.

Phoebe: Huuh.

Duncan: Yeah, I know, I.

Phoebe: I, I don’t, I don’t understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you’re, you’re so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.

Duncan: I know, that’s what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can’t live a lie anymore.

Phoebe: So how long have you known?

Duncan: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I’m an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin’ to fit in.

Phoebe: And um, and there’s actually a, a woman?

Duncan: Her name’s Debra.

Phoebe: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you’ve been with?

Duncan: Well, I’ve never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I’d get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.

Phoebe: Sure.

Duncan: But now I know I don’t have a choice about this, I was born this way.

Phoebe: I, I don’t know what to say. I mean, you know, you’re married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, ’Oh, I’m not gay.’

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #6

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Rachel: Oh my God,

Phoebe: I know.

Rachel: Why have I never tasted these before?

Phoebe: Oh, I don’t make them a lot because I don’t think it’s fair to the other cookies.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #7

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Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, [hands him a lasagna] but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.

Paolo: Grazie.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #8

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Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don’t wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y’know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y’know ’You’re the reason, you are the reason why their not together.’ and I hated that guy. And it didn’t matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #9

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Monica: I feel terrible, I really do.

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #10

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Joey: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all…stop lastin’.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #11

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Phoebe: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it’s not your fault] OK, sorry. I’m just, I’m just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, ’cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.

Producer: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It’s just that it’s costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.

Phoebe: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let’s go.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #12

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Ross: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #13

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Phoebe: Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.

[…]

Rachel: What happened?

Phoebe: I don’t know, I mean, he’s a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it’s just… I hate that guy!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #14

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Ross: You uh, you don’t believe in gravity?

Phoebe: Well, it’s not so much that you know, like I don’t believe in it, you know, it’s just…I don’t know, lately I get the feeling that I’m not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #15

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Erica: [= Joey’s looney fan] Drake, what’re you getting at?

Joey: I’m not Drake.

Ross: That’s right, he’s not Drake, he’s Hans Remore, Drake’s evil twin.

Erica: Is this true?

Racehl: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]

Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn’t. [throws water in his face]

Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #16

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Rachel: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens [in the show].

Joey: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.

Rachel: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?

Monica: Rachel, it’s a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #17

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Ross: I don’t know, I don’t get, I don’t get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I’m takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin’ down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #18

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Joey: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?

Chandler: OK, well that’s the part where I’m a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn’t focus on that.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #19

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Joey: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #20

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ROSS: See what? I don’t know what she [=Rachel] sees in… innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like… like… I don’t know, uhh… uhhh, hello… a… week, to get out a sentence.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #21

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Monica: Rachel you have to read this book. It’s called “Be Your Own Windkeeper”. It’s about how women need to become more empowered.

Phoebe: Yeah and oh, and but there’s, there’s wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it.

Rachel: Men just take out wind?

Phoebe: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers.

Rachel: Wow.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #22

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Phoebe: Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can’t find him. Now, I’ve looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there’s some pretty rough goin’ for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there’s just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]

Ernie [in the videotape]: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.

Phoebe: [to Ben] Oh, I’m so glad you’re here.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #23

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Chandler: You’re just, you’re just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.

Richard: Uh-huh, yeah.

Chandler: No no, seriously, Joey’s my dad, Monica’s my dad. I’ve even got some dads down at work.

Richard: That’s fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I’ll just see you kids around.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #24

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Monica: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don’t wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.

Phoebe: Sure.

Monica: It’s just that he doesn’t have that much free time, ya know, and I don’t know, what do I do?

Phoebe: Does it matter? You’re ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #25

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Phoebe: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?

Joey: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, “If we don’t get this woman to a hospital, she’s going to die.” But I made it, “If this woman doesn’t get to a hospital, she’s not gonna live.”

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #26

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Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you?

Phoebe: Wow, it’s like a dirty math problem.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #27

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Chandeler: All right, let’s get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.

Monica: Yeah. You!

Chandler: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don’t you?

Phoebe: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #28

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Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.

Phoebe: What?

Monica: We were shopping, and we had lunch.

Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?

Monica: You had a salad.

Phoebe: Oh, no wonder I don’t feel full.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #29

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Rachel: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?

Phoebe: Oh, alright, that’s it, now I have to go see him.

Monica: Why?

Phoebe: Hamburger. McDonald’s. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharm-acist.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #30

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Erica: I don’t understand, why didn’t you help that man?

Joey: Uhh, cause, uhh, I’m a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #31

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Phoebe: Today we’re gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.

Phoebe: [singing]
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that’s how we get hamburgers.
+++: Nooowww, chickens!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #32

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Joey: Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I’m not even a doctor, I’m an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

Erica: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #33

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Nurse: All right, all right, there’s a few too many people in this room, and there’s about to be one more, so anybody who’s not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!

ALL: Good luck!

Chandler: [to nurse] Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol’s lesbian life partner?

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #34

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Ross: [to Ben] I know, I know. Everybody, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.

Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you.

Susan: Thanks.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #35

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Monica: So we’re back on?

Carol: We’re back on.

Monica: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can’t believe I lost 2 minutes.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #36

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Phoebe: I don’t know how to say this, but I think when your wife’s spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.

Mr. Adelman: You’re saying, my wife is in you?

Phoebe: Yeah. Ok, you don’t have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she’d be hanging around?

Mr. Adelman: Well, I don’t know what to tell you, Dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.

Phoebe: Everything?

Mr. Adelman: Everything.

Phoebe: Whoa, that’s a lot of stuff.

Mr. Adelman: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #37

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[ At Carol & Susan’s lesbian wedding]

Rachel: Hey, Mom? Having fun?

Mrs Green: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I’m not saying it’s something I wanna pursue, but it’s nice to know I have options.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #38

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Susan: You wanna dance?

Ross: No, that’s fine.

Susan: Come on. I’ll let you lead.

Ross: Ok.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #39

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Ross: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?

Monica: You wanna be in charge of the food committee?

Ross: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?

Joey: Really. Why can’t we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you’re fancy on the inside and I’m just not sure we are.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #40

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Monica: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren’t ready for you yet.

Mrs. Greene: You thought I was Rachel?

Chandler: Yes because uh, you look so young.

Phoebe: And because you’re both, you know, white women.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #41

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Phoebe: Listen if you wanna go, just go.

Gunter: No, she’ll yell at me again.

Phoebe: Alright, I can get you out.

Gunter: What?

Phoebe: Shh. In a minute, I’m gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don’t look back.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #42

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[ At Rachel’s double birthday party]

Phoebe: Ok, ok, she’s taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she’ll be back any minute.

Girl 1: What about my friend Victor?

Phoebe: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she’ll get suspicious.

Girl 1: Alright, let me just get my coat.

Phoebe: There isn’t time. You must leave everything. They’ll take care of you next door.

Girl 1: Is it true they have beer?

Phoebe: Everything you’ve heard is true.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #43

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Ross: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how’s everything in the uh, vascular surgery ….game?

Mr. Greene: It’s not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today.

Ross: I’m sorry. See that’s the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #44

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Monica: Ok everybody, it’s time for flan.

Chandler: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.

Joey: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.

Monica: Ok, that’s enough.

Phoebe: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish.

Rachel: Ok, I’ve got one.

[ blows out the candles. Somebody calls out ’heads up’ and the volleyball lands in the flan]

Rachel: Wow, those things almost never come true.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #45

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Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest…And bigger boobs!

Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #46

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Chandler: Phoebs, play with meeee.

Phoebe: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.

Chandler: Ya know Phoebs, don’t feel so bad for ’em. After they’re done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #47

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Ryan: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.

Phoebe: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn’t have them now.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #48

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Joey: Well, see when you’re acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.

Chandler: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #49

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Chandler: She’s amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!

Monica: Well, go over to her! She’s not with anyone.

Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? ’Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.’

Rachel: Oh, c’mon. She’s a person, you can do it!

Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.

Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

Chandler: Thank you, buddy.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y’know, you always see those really beautiful women with those really nothing guys. You could be one of those guys!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #50

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Chandler: Well, y’know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy’s fantasy!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?

Ross: No, of course not! [Thinks] …Yeah, yeah, it is.

Monica: What? So you guys don’t mind going out with someone else who’s going out with someone else?

Joey: I couldn’t do it.

Monica: Good for you, Joey.

Joey: When I’m with a woman, I need to know that I’m going out with more people than she is.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #51

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Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you’ve gotta face it. You’re like, the guy in the big office, you know. You’re the one that hires them, that fires them… They still say you’re a great boss.

Chandler: They do?

Phoebe: Uh huh. But they’re not your friends anymore.

Chandler: I just want to--

Phoebe: No, but you can’t.

Chandler: But I just wa--

Phoebe: Uh uh.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #52

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Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.

Chandler: You think I should?

Phoebe: I really do, yeah.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I, I don’t wanna be the geek that invited the boss.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #53

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Chandler: And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?

Monica: No, of course not. It’s not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.

All: What?

Monica: Oh, I can’t pass for 22?

Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.

Monica: I am 26.

Phoebe: There you go.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #54

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Chandler: You’re okay there?

Ross: I can’t belive you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler: I’m sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was in somebody else’s subconscious.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #55

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Monica: Okay. It’s-it’s about Alan. There’s something that you should know. I mean, there’s really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I’ve decided to break up with Alan.

Ross: Is there somebody else?

Monica: No, nononono… it’s just… things change. People change.

Rachel: We didn’t change!

Joey: So that’s it? It’s over? Just like that?

Phoebe: You know… you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- [chews her hair]

Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending-

Joey: Okay!

Monica: -but that wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Alan- It wouldn’t be fair to you!

Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y’know, I just want things back. Y’know, the way they were.

Monica: I’m sorry..

Chandler: [Sarcastic] Oh, she’s sorry! I feel better!

Rachel: [Tearful] I just can’t believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-

Monica: I’ll meet somone else. There’ll be other Alans.

ALL: Oh, yeah! Right!

Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay?

Ross: Hey hey, we’ll be fine. We’re just gonna need a little time.

Monica: [dubious] I understand.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #56

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Monica [on the phone]: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we’ve got leftovers… Chicken and potatoes… What am I wearing?… Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.

[ Chandler and Joey come sprinting in]

Joey: Ya know, one of these times you’re gonna really be naked and we’re not gonna come over.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #57

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Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y’know? I mean it’s like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Ross: Yeah, and-and it’s not that we don’t like the comedian, it’s that-that… that’s not why we bought the ticket.

Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert’s over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y’know? I mean, we’re in the car, we’re fighting traffic… basically just trying to stay awake.

Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you’re gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Joey: [Pause]….Are we still talking about sex?

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #58

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Rachel: You’re twins?

Phoebe: Yeah. We don’t speak. She’s like this high-powered, career driven type.

Chandler: What does she do?

Phoebe: She’s a waitress.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #59

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[ Joey and Chandler are watching T.V.]

Phoebe: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.

Joey: No, inside good, outside bad.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #60

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Monica: Alright, but I’m very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won’t get all big-brothery and judgmental.

Ross: Oh, I promise, what.

Monica: It’s Richard Burke.

Ross: Who’s Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why? Why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he’s like a uh, brother… to dad.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #61

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[ Rachel dashes into the cafe, excited.]

Rachel: Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp.

Chandler: Ok, I think she’s trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #62

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Joey: He’s right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.

Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #63

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Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her… uh-uh. For me, too. It’s like, all of a sudden, I’m blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y’know? It’s like… I was able to appreciate it on another level.

Chandler: I didn’t know you had another level.

Joey: I know! Neither did I!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #64

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Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, from who?

Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #65

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Rachel: Well, I have to be, I don’t really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.

Chandler: Well, actually just one birthday flan.

Rachel: What?

Chandler: It’s a traditional Mexican custard dessert…Look talk to Monica, she’s on the food committee.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #66

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Rachel: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I’m gonna go talk to mom for a while.

Ross: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers?

Rachel: Uhh, let’s just stay clear of “I’m the guy that’s doing your daughter” and you should be ok.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #67

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Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn’t have to play any games…

Monica: So have you called her yet?

Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? It’s the next day! How needy do I want to seem? [To the guys] I’m right, right?

Joey &amp; Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.

Monica: I can’t believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people.

Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #68

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Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?

Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff.

Joey: I’m takin’ Orsula tonight. It’s her birthday.

Ross: Whoa. What about Phoebe’s birthday?

Joey: When’s that?

Ross: Tonight.

Joey: Oh, man. What’re the odds of that happening?

Ross: You take your time.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #69

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Chandler: [Entering with an issue of Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #70

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Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did.

Mr. Geller: Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam’s nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #71

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Ross: Mon, Mon, are you OK?

Monica: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: Well, I just caught the live show.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #72

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Joey: Hey, this isn’t about juice anymore, alright man.

Chandler: Alright, so what’s it about?

Joey: Eggs. Who’s eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?

Chandler: Well I like both eggs equally.

Joey: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.

Chandler: Well what’s the difference? Your eggs aren’t here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #73

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[ on “The Days of our Lives”:]

Amber: I want you Drake.

Dr. Remore: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.

Amber: What?

Dr. Remore: There’s something I never told you Amber. I’m actually your half-brother.

[ Everyone gasps. The show ends.]

Rachel: So what happens next?

Joey: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that’s where I find the world’s biggest emerald. It’s really big but it’s cursed.

Chandler: God, that is good TV.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #74

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Joey: Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.

Chandler: That’s not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say that I don’t have goals!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #75

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Ross: Anyway. That’s when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again.

Monica: Y’know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it’s been twelve years.

Ross: Can I see you for a second?

[ They walk over to the sink and discuss it for a moment]

Monica: [shouting] Once!!

Ross: All right, we’re gonna play.

Chandler: But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won’t let me cross the street.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #76

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Rachel: We should definitely play football more often. Maybe there’s like a league we could join or something.

Phoebe: Isn’t there a national football league?

Chandler: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights.

Rachel: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #77

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Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.

Rachel: Phoebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.

Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s perfect.

Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?

Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.

Rachel: Or?

Phoebe: Or…or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.

Monica: Burning’s good.

Rachel: Burning’s good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #78

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Ross: I’m just sayin’ if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn’t just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #79

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Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn: “Janice! Janice!”. You want me. You need me. You can’t live without me. And you know it. You just don’t know you know it. See ya.

[ She kisses him passionately,then leaves.]

Chandler: Call me!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #80

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Frank Jr.: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn’t perfect, but y’know it was pretty cool, y’know, ’cause we had all those great talks y’know.

Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?

Frank: Well y’know about the tongue thing, y’know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes…

Phoebe: I don’t….

Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn’t melt.

Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #81

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Monica: So, Chandler, who’s on your list?

Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.

Rachel: Now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon, and way out of your league?

Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #82

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[ Monica is in her bed but can’t fall asleep]

Monica (voiceover): If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don’t do this. This is stupid! I don’t have to prove anything, I’m gonna go get them… But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! …I need help! [Buries her head in her pillow]

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #83

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Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y’know, the-the old Monica would - would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush…But I’m not gonna do that.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #84

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Rachel: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.

Ross: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.

Rachel: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c’mon, I’m so much happier with you than I ever was with him.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, you know, meaningless animal sex.

[ Realizing what she just said.]

Rachel: Ok, you know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #85

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Phoebe: I can’t believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.

Chandler: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #86

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Rachel: Yes, but I, I think about who’s apartment we’re gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we’re gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our children’s names are gonna be. [watches Ross’ expression] You know what our children’s names are gonna be.

Ross: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.

Rachel: What was the book?

Ross: The Big Book of Children’s Names.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #87

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Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y’know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did [think Chandler was gay].

Chandler: You’re kidding! Did you tell her I wasn’t?

Ross: No. No, it’s just ’cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman… who also liked her.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #88

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Monica: So, Ross, what’s going on with you? Any stories? [Digs her elbow into his hand] No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?

Ross: [Pulls his hand away] Okay! Okay. [To Mr. & Mrs. Geller] Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here’s the deal. Carol’s a lesbian. She’s living with a woman named Susan. She’s pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.

[ Stunned silence]

Mrs. Geller: [Turns to Monica] And you knew about this?!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #89

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[ Rachel is on the phone]

Rachel: Okay. [listens] Okay, daddy we’ll see you tomorrow night. [listens] Okay bye-bye. [hangs up]

Ross: We?

Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that’s okay.

Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow’s not so good, I’m supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #90

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Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the “Mattress King”?

Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don’t say anything to Chandler.

Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?

Phoebe: Is that a problem?

Joey: No.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #91

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Dr. Green: You know what’s really good here, the lobster. What do you say - shall I just order three?

Ross: Yeah, if you’re really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke.

Rachel: Yeah. Actually, Daddy, Ross is allergic to lobster.

Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.

Ross: It’s not a library…

Dr. Green: [interrupting him] I know!! It’s a museum! What, you’re the only one around here who can make a joke? At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #92

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Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I’ve never been able to cry as an actor, so if I’m in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let’s say I wanna convey that I’ve just done something evil. That would be the basic “I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it”. [Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.] Okay, let’s say I’ve just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. [looks all confused] And that’s how it’s done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #93

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Phoebe: I’m, I’m freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn’t have! All right, I haven’t lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something: does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?

Rachel: Um. yeah.

Phoebe: I am soo dead. [goes to Monica’s room]

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #94

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Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn’t work.

Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that’s why you have got to be the bigger man here.

Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn’t make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say “Like me! Like me tiny doctor!”

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #95

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Rachel: What? It’s true, my right leg is two inches shorter.

Dr. Green: Come on! You’re just titling! [to Ross] Her legs are fine!

Ross: I know that!

Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?

Rachel: I’m sorry, let her?

Ross: What can I do, she doesn’t listen to me about renter’s insurance either.

Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don’t have renter’s insurance?!

Rachel: No.

Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?!

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #96

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Joey: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.

Phoebe: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don’t! I forgot I am totally against that now.

Joey: What? Me having a job?

Phoebe: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. [to Joey] Hey, how do you sleep at night?

Joey: Well, I’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy.

Phoebe: Really?

[ Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically motions to Chandler to help him out.]

Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it’s the only chance to see New York.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #97

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Ross: Hi, I’m selling Brown Bird cookies.

Woman: You’re no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole.

Ross: No, hi, I’m, I’m an honorary Brown Bird [does the Brown Bird salute.]

Woman: What does that mean?

Ross: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I’m not invited to sleep-overs.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #98

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Joey: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you’ve got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear.

Rachel: The fear?

Chandler: He’s right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.

Rachel: Well then how come you’re still at a job that you hate, I mean why don’t you quit and get `the fear’?

[ Chandler and Joey both laugh]

Chandler: Because, I’m too afraid.

Rachel: I don’t know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer, you know, or a buyer…. Oh, I just don’t want to be 30 and still work here.

Chandler: Yeah, that’d be much worse than being 28, and still working here.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #99

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Rachel: [entering] Okay, stop what you’re doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers…..

Ross: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya?

Chandler: Me! On my computer.

Ross: Well you sure used a large font.

Chandler: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #100

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[ At the Brown Bird meeting]

Ross: [to the girl sitting next to him] Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you sell?

Girl: I’m not gonna tell you! You’re the bad man who broke Sarah’s leg.

Ross: Hey now! That was an accident, okay.

Girl: You’re a big scrud.

Ross: What’s a scrud?

Girl: Why don’t you look in the mirror, scrud.

Ross: I don’t have to. I can just look at you.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #101

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Ross: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?

Rachel: Uh-huh!

Ross: And he’s, he’s a total stranger?

Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something.

Ross: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex.

Rachel: What!?

Ross: Well, I’m just saying, I mean why else would he just, y’know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason.

Rachel: To be nice.

Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?

Joey: No, only for sex.

Ross: Thank you.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #102

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[ Chandler enters hungover and groaning ]

Monica: How ya feelin’?

Chandler: Well, my apartment isn’t there anymore, because I drank it.

Phoebe: Where’d you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.

All: Woooo hoooo!!!

Chandler: Ow, no “woo-hooing,” no “woo-hooing.”

Phoebe: Why, what happened?

Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joey’s sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, that’s not the worst part.

Monica: What is the worse part?

Chandler: I can’t remember which sister.

Ross: [To Rachel] You see what men do! Don’t tell me men are nice! [points to Chandler ] This is men!!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #103

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[ Some knocking is heard from the ceiling]

Ross: Ah, somebody’s at the door on the ceiling.

Rachel: Noo, that’s our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.

Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything.

Phoebe: Why don’t you go up there and ask him to “step lightly, please?”

Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #104

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Ross: I’m hurt! I’m actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt!

Rachel: All right Ross!! I get it!!

Ross: I mean my God…

Rachel: You’re hurt!

Ross: …can’t, can’t a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend’s office anymorrrrre!!

Rachel: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk!

Ross: I would never do that.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #105

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Chandler: All right fine, don’t do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he’s being Mr. Joe Sensitive,and she starts thinking “Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.”

Joey: And before you know it, she’s with him. And you’ll be all, “Ohh, man!” And he’ll be all, “Yes!” And us, we’ll be like, “Wh-whoa, dude.” And pretty soon you’ll be like, [sadly] “Hhiii,” and, and, and, “I can’t go, Rachel and Mark might be there.” And we’ll be like, “Man get over it, it’s been four years!!”

Chandler: He paints quite a picture doesn’t he?

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #106

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Margha: (coming over) The game is over, we eat now?

Chandler: No-no-no-no, the game’s not over, we’re just switching teams.

Joey: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it’s better if we’re on the same team.

Ross: Right. Okay, let’s play. Let’s go.

Chandler: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?

Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.

Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?

Joey: Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.

Margha: Oh, my.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #107

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Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic [Ross’ Monkey, Marcel] is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?

Phoebe: Oh my God. You’d put that poor little creature in jail?

Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?

Phoebe: Yes, but there isn’t always time!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #108

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Ross: Alright, I want my monkey.

Luisa [from Animal Control]: No!

Rachel: Oh, c’mon, Luisa!

Luisa: Sorry, prom queen.

Ross: [To Rachel] You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn’t have been fat.

Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you… were also there!

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #109

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Phoebe: Hi.

All: Hey.

Joey: [to Phoebe] Look at you. Since when do you roller blade?

Phoebe: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like y’know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y’know we made a deal that’s he’s going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff.

Ross: And what are you going to do for him?

Phoebe: I’m going to let him.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: Cool.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #110

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Joey: Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining?

Rachel: Oh, Danny just went into room 217.

Joey: Oooh, the next part’s the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub…

Rachel: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you’re gonna ruin it!

Joey: All right I’ll talk in code. (to Ross and Chandler) Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?

Chandler: Hmmm, that’s very cool.

Joey: Oh, all blank, and no blank, make’s blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww!

Rachel: Joey! I can’t believe you just did that!

Chandler: I can’t believe she cracked your code!

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #111

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Joey: These little women. Wow!

Chandler: Your liking it, huh?

Joey: Oh yeah! Amy just burned Jo’s manuscript. I don’t see how he could ever forgive her.

Ross: Umm, Jo’s a girl, it’s short for Josephine.

Joey: But Jo’s got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods his head) Oh. You mean it’s like a girl-girl thing? ’Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining.

Chandler: No, actually Laurie’s a boy.

Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #112

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Joey: (to Monica) Hey, how much will you give me to eat this whole jar of olives?

Monica: I won’t give you anything, but you’ll owe me 2.95.

Joey: Done.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #113

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Joey: So Pheebs what’s this guy like?

Phoebe: Umm, well he’s very dashing, y’know, and umm, very, very sophisticated, and he doesn’t speak any English, but according to his translator, he totally gets me.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #114

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Chandler: (entering) Hey, does anybody need anything copied? I’m going down to the Xerox place.

Monica: Oh, no thanks.

Chandler: Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two of.

Monica: Well, if you don’t have anything to copy, why are you going down there?

Joey: Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring again?

Chandler: Yeah! You wanna come?

Joey: Yeah!

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #115

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Monica: So you had fun, huh?

Phoebe: Yeah. Except for, y’know when you’re on a date and you’re getting along really great but the guy’s translator keeps getting in the way.

Monica: No.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #116

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Chandler: Hey, y’know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we should be there?

Joey: Uh, 10:30.

Chandler: What time is it now?

Joey: 4:30.

Chandler: Yeah all right, so we’ll hang out.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #117

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Rachel: You had no right coming down to my office, Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody’s work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #118

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Chloe: [seeing Ross enter] Hey, it’s the dinosaur guy. [runs over to Ross] Hi, Ross.

Ross: Oh, hi Chloe.

Chloe: I want you to met some friends of mine. [Introduces him to Chandler and Joey] This guy is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we said we don’t do that, and he says you gotta. And y’know what? we did it. And now anytime anybody wants 400, we just say “let’s Ross it!”.

Chandler: And that’s the only colour that comes in.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #119

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Monica: Oh, and I can also speak a little French. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? [Mischa laughs] Why? What did I say?

Mischa: Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #120

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Phoebe: Monica, can I talk to you behind my menu, please. [Behind the menu] What are you doing?

Monica: Well, I was having a conversation.

Phoebe: Yeah but, Mischa is so interested in you, that Sergei and I haven’t been able to say two words to each other.

Monica: What do you want me to do? Just sit here silently while you three have a conversation?

Phoebe: That would be great. Thank you.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #121

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Ross: Oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all right, don’t I have to wait a while?

Chandler: Hey, this isn’t like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!!

[ Ross goes to call her.]

Chandler: Y’know that whole swimming thing is a myth.

Joey: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny.

Chandler: Why? What happened to him?

Joey: Nothing, he just really believes in that.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #122

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Mischa: [to Monica] And the vet said it was time. And so from half a world away, while my Mother held the phone to his ear, I said good bye to my dog. In seven languages.

Monica: Oh. [to Phoebe] Can I have a tissue?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you don’t accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #123

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Monica: Okay, all right don’t judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing….

Phoebe: Waxine!!

Monica: Yes! Have you seen it?

Phoebe: Oh, it’s incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.

Monica: I know!!

Phoebe: God. Do you think it really doesn’t hurt? `Cause how can they do that?

Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest!

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #124

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Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, I’m in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel’s all like, “I love you and, and let’s work on this.” And all I can think about is, “What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?” when I tell her what I did.

Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question: how dumb are you?

Ross: What?! Look, we’re trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other?

Joey: Look, Ross look, I’m on board about this total honesty thing, I am. Just not about stuff that’s gonna get you in trouble.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #125

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Rachel: Ross, you had sex with another woman!

[ Cut to Monica’s bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp. ]

Monica: Oh my God.

Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.

Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk…

Monica: Oh!! [hits Chandler and Joey on the head] You guys knew about this and you didn’t tell us?!

Chandler: [To Joey] He has sex, and we get hit on our heads.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #126

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Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!!

Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn’t happen!

Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I’m falling in love with you all over again.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #127

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Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It’s organic.

Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.

Phoebe: No, not the used wax.

Chandler: Because that would be crazy?

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #128

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Rachel: Fine. [on the phone] Hi! Yes, I’d like to order a large pizza.

Ross: No anchovies.

Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies.

Ross: That’s okay, I’ll just pick `em off.

Rachel: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce?

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #129

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Phoebe: Y’know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together, they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy….

Joey: I had the same dream!

Phoebe: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl.

Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #130

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[ Rachel enters.]

Monica: (seeing her) Okay, let’s go!! Let’s hit the road!!

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Let’s get the show on it!

Rachel: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee.

Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it’s sooo close.

Rachel: Closer than here?

Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey, look, I found coffee! (handing her the cup) Okay, let’s skedaddle.

Rachel: Wait, I’m not just gonna drink somebody’s old coffee.

Phoebe: Okay, your highness.

[ Ross enters behind Rachel, and look at each other for a moment.]

Phoebe: (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um, Rachel I’m really sorry. (imitating Rachel) That’s okay, do you wanna get back together? (imitating Ross) Yeah, okay. (in her normal voice) Did anyone else hear that?!

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #131

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Phoebe: Okay, Monica’s are the biggest.

Monica: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it’s gotta be Rachel.

Rachel: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra.

Monica: All right then, your bra would still be big.

Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #132

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Phoebe: Okay. [She puts the car in gear. The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.] Phoebe: Oh, no!

Rachel: What, what’s it, what’s going on?

Phoebe: Yeah, this has happened before.

Rachel: So you know how to fix it?

Phoebe: Yep. Put more gas in.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #133

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Phoebe: Do you at least know what route we’re on?

Rachel: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27.

Phoebe: Okay. [on phone] We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. [to Rachel] There is no Route 27. [listens on phone] [to Rachel] Okay, either 93 or 76?

Rachel: I don’t know, I’m sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here.

Phoebe: Okay. [on phone] Hey, can you send somebody up and down 76 and check every rest stop, and, and also 93? [listens] Okay! [hangs up] Yeah, no they don’t do that.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #134

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[ Joey is making a sign on the ground out of sticks ]

Joey: Okay, done.

Monica: [reading the sign] What’s “PLEH”?

Joey: That’s “HELP” spelled backwards, so that the helicopters can read it from the air!

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #135

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Ross: [sarcastic] Oh please, can’t I come to your special, magical cabin?

Rachel: Why would you even want to come Ross? You’re a horrible skier.

Ross: Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts - my ski skills.

Monica: Here we go again.

Joey: I-I can’t handle this, you guys.

Chandler: You know what, I can handle it, handle is my middle name. Actually it’s the ah, middle part of my first name.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #136

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Ross: All we’re saying is don’t rush into anything.

Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. You’re 18, okay? She’s 44. when you’re 36, she’s gonna be 88!

Frank: What, you don’t think I know that?

Joey: Look, the point is, there’s a lot of women out there you haven’t even had sex with yet!

Ross: Yeah, he-he’s right, he’s right. This is your time, y’know. Yeah: you’re young, you’re-you’re weird. Chicks dig that.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #137

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Pete: …so y’know, that’s why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y’know, so you could be like-like, “Wash my car!”, “Clean my room!” It’s not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it’ll understand what you’re saying.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #138

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Joey: [entering, dancing and singing] Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! [He dances around the dinner table and exits]

Ross: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.

Monica and Phoebe: Oh.

Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #139

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Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You’re.. you’re.. you’re the guy that doesn’t know how to pour milk!!

Joey: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldn’t. Now, see - that’s acting.

Kate: Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.

Joey: Yeah, that was real.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #140

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Rachel: I mean I think I’d say no to anybody right now. Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I’m standing there with this charming, cute guy, who’s asking me to go out with him, which I’m allowed to do, and I felt guilty. You know, like I’d be cheating on Ross or something.

Phoebe: Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you’re not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father.

Rachel: I don’t have any issues with my Father.

Phoebe: Okay, so it’s probably just the Ross thing then.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #141

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Monica: Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where there’s no future? Either they’re too old, or they’re too young, and then there’s Pete who’s-who’s crazy about me, and who’s absolutely perfect for me, and there’s like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like something’s wrong with me?!

Phoebe: Yeah, kinda.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #142

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Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, “Oh, I’m so talented.” and “Oh, I’m so pretty,” and “Ooh, I smell so good.”

Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.

Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! You know?

Chandler: I’m talking about you. You big, big freak.

Joey: Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, you’re out of your mind.

Chandler: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you’d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!

Joey: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff, huh?!

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #143

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Chandler: [holding a tissue] And is this in case the house sneezes?

Phoebe: No, no, that’s the ghost for the attic.

Monica: I don’t want a ghost.

Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you’ve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.

Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #144

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Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you’re dating.

Joey: Hey, I’m not interested in her sweater! It’s what’s underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I’m going out with?

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #145

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Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That’s all it was. Joey, I’m-I’m sorry you feel bad, but haven’t you ever sleep with a woman where it meant more to her than it did to you?

Joey: Nooo.

Lauren: [entering] Hi, Kate!

Kate: Hi, Lauren.

Joey: Hi, Lauren.

Lauren: Hi, pig!

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #146

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Phoebe: [entering] Hey!

Monica: [runs over to her] I tried to reach you at work. There’s… been a fire.

Phoebe: What?! Oh my… [sees the remains of the house] Oh my God!! What happened?!

Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. [He uses a pointer and points to the point of origin.] In the Aroma Room.

Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay?

Monica: Well, the giraffe’s okay. And so is the pirate.

Phoebe: Ohh. What is this? [She sees a tissue covering something, and moves to remove it.]

Ross: No Phoebe, don’t look! You don’t want to see what’s under there!!

Phoebe: [She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.] Ohh, the - the Foster puppets!

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #147

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Joey: [on phone] Well, so anyway Beth, what I’m saying is I should’ve considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I’ve ah, I’ve recently learned what’s it like to be on your side of it, and I’m sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? [listens] Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. [He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again.] Hello, Jennifer? [listens] Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? [listens] Oh, she’s not home, huh? [listens] Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #148

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[ Ross enters, wearing a white suit with a little red bow tie]

Ross: Hey, you guys! Guess what?

Rachel: [looking at the outfit] Got a job on a river boat?

Ross: Y’know what I didn’t wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You’re not my girlfriend anymore so…

Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point.

Ross: Right.

Rachel: Now that you’re on you’re own, you’re free to look as stupid as you like.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #149

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Ross: All right, listen, I-I have that TV thing in like two hours, and I need your help, okay? What do you think? [takes out two suits] This blue suit, or this brown one?

Joey: Well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great in the blue one.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #150

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Monica: Does it involve travel?

Phoebe: Noo!

Monica: Does it involve clogs?

Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws?

Monica: Clogs.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Claws?!

Phoebe: No.

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Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #151

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Joey: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate!

All: Oh!

Joey: [To Chandler:] And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it.

Monica: Joey, what are you doing?! It’s never gonna happen, she’s seeing somebody.

Chandler: Yeah, and I don’t have any cologne.

Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream.

Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.

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Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #152

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Cailin: So. How’d you guys meet?

Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.

Monica: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #153

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The Director: [entering carrying a newspaper] Here we go people! [starts reading the review] Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la… Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.

Joey: Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha!

The Director: Kate Miller’s awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. [Kate walks away depressed.] Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is… [stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust] Thank you, boys and girls, you’ve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mother’s crab cakes! [Starts to leave] Excuse me!!

[ Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him. ]

Joey: Anyone mind if I save this?

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #154

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[ After the bad review of the play in the “New York Times”. ]

Joey: Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We’ll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.

Kate: Why the Post?

Joey: Oh, you didn’t see the Post?

Kate: No. You?

Joey: No. Why?

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #155

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Joey: Well so, how come you blew me off? Y’know? How come you were with him?

Kate: I don’t know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the… like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy. Why can’t I just pick someone like you?

Joey: Thanks.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #156

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Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other?

Phoebe: Does a dog’s lips move when he reads? [Pause.] Okay, no they don’t.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #157

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Monica: Pete’s breaking up with me.

All: What?!

Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk.

Rachel: And?

Monica: Well that’s it. People never say “We need to talk” unless it’s something bad.

Joey: Whoa, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s breaking up with you.

Monica: Really?!

Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #158

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Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them.

Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more?

Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y’know ’cause, he’s like a guy, guy. Y’know? He’s so burly, he’s sooo very burly. (giggles)

Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.

Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason’s really sensitive.

Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy.

Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy!

Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #159

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Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He’s not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that’s like a third or fourth date kinda thing.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #160

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Guru Saj: You must be Ross.

Ross: Hi.

Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces)

Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I’ve-I’ve never been to a guru before, so…

Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I’ve attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #161

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Rachel: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?

Phoebe: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don’t take his name.

Monica: He didn’t ask me to marry him.

All: Ohh.

Phoebe: Well then definitely don’t take his name.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #162

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Monica: Please tell me you’re stopping now.

Pete: I’m fine! I’d fight tonight, if they’d let me. [stands up and starts swinging his arms] See this circle I’m marking off here? This is my zone of terror.

Monica: You are insane! You-you gotta give this up!

Pete: I can’t until I’m the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I’m telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, I’m not saying I could beat Superman, but y’know, kids are stupid.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #163

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Phoebe: Oh, I am having the best karma this week. First, I find this woman who knew my parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house.

Ross: Yeah? What about ah, that bike messenger you hit?

Phoebe: Oh, I wasn’t talking about his karma.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #164

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Phoebe Sr.: So I guess you’d like to know how it all happened.

Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y’know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off!

Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasn’t like that I… Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close.

Phoebe: How close?

Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.

Phoebe: I don’t even know how that would work!

Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were…

Phoebe: (interrupting) I’m not asking!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #165

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Joey: All right. [gets up]

Monica: [stopping him] No! Joey, we swore we’d never tell!

Chandler: [running over and joining Monica] They’ll never understand!

Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It’s eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.

Monica: [interrupting] All right!! All right. [walks slowly into the living room] I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I-I couldn’t walk.

Chandler: [following Monica] We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn’t think we could make it. [He goes to put his hands on Monica’s shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.]

Monica: I was in too much pain.

Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!

Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.

Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel…

Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you… [stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica] Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!

Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!

Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t…bend that way. So… [looks at Joey.]

Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: [turning to look at Joey] Ewwww!!

Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.

Chandler: [wails loudly into his hands] Joey kept screaming at me: “Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!”. Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.

Joey: [laughs] That’s cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #166

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Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter!

Rachel: What?!!

Ross: I fell asleep!

Rachel: You fell asleep?!

Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means “you are,” Y-O-U-R means “your!”

Rachel: Y’know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!

Ross: [starts to cry] FINE BY ME!! [he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it]

Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you’re at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!!

Monica: Hey!!

Rachel: [to Monica] Sorry!! [to Ross] I just feel bad about all that sleep you’re gonna miss wishing you were with me!

Ross: Oh, no-no-no don’t you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!!

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!!

Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #167

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Joey: Hey-hey, Ross?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: I’ve got a science question.

Ross: Hmm?

Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact “Homo-sapien”, is that why there extinct?

Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.

Joey: Hey-hey, I’m not judging.

Author David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Work Friends (T.V. Show)

Quotes from the site “Joel on Software”

Joel on Software - Excerpt from “Things you Should Never Do, Part I”

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We’re programmers. Programmers are, in their hearts, architects, and the first thing they want to do when they get to a site is to bulldoze the place flat and build something grand. We’re not excited by incremental renovation: tinkering, improving, planting flower beds.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Things you Should Never Do, Part I

Joel on Software - “The Joel Test”

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Have you ever heard of SEMA? It’s a fairly esoteric system for measuring how good a software team is. No, wait! Don’t follow that link! It will take you about six years just to understand that stuff. So I’ve come up with my own, highly irresponsible, sloppy test to rate the quality of a software team. The great part about it is that it takes about 3 minutes. With all the time you save, you can go to medical school.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Things you Should Never Do, Part I

Joel on Software - Excerpt from “UI Design for Programmers”

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To make people happy, you have to let them feel like they are in control of their environment. To do this, you need to correctly interpret their actions. The interface needs to behave in the way they are expecting it to behave.

Thus, the cardinal axiom of all user interface design:

A user interface is well-designed when the program behaves exactly how the user thought it would.

As Hillel said, everything else is commentary. All the other rules of good UI design are just corollaries.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work User Interface Design for Programmers - Chapter 1

Joel on Software - Excerpt from “Things you Should Never Do, Part I”

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There’s a subtle reason that programmers always want to throw away the code and start over. The reason is that they think the old code is a mess. And here is the interesting observation: they are probably wrong. The reason that they think the old code is a mess is because of a cardinal, fundamental law of programming:

It’s harder to read code than to write it.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Things you Should Never Do, Part I

Joel on Software - Excerpt from “Painless Bug Tracking”

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TRS-80 Level-I BASIC could only store two string variables, A$ and B$. Similarly, I was born with only two bug-storing-slots in my brain. At any given time, I can only remember two bugs. If you ask me to remember three, one of them will fall on the floor and get swept under the bed with the dust bunnies, who will eat it.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Painless Bug Tracking

Joel on Software - “Bloatware and the 80/20 Myth”

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A lot of software developers are seduced by the old “80/20” rule. It seems to make a lot of sense: 80% of the people use 20% of the features. So you convince yourself that you only need to implement 20% of the features, and you can still sell 80% as many copies.

Unfortunately, it’s never the same 20%. Everybody uses a different set of features. In the last 10 years I have probably heard of dozens of companies who, determined not to learn from each other, tried to release “lite” word processors that only implement 20% of the features. This story is as old as the PC. Most of the time, what happens is that they give their program to a journalist to review, and the journalist reviews it by writing their review using the new word processor, and then the journalist tries to find the “word count” feature which they need because most journalists have precise word count requirements, and it’s not there, because it’s in the “80% that nobody uses,” and the journalist ends up writing a story that attempts to claim simultaneously that lite programs are good, bloat is bad, and I can’t use this damn thing ’cause it won’t count my words. If I had a dollar for every time this has happened I would be very happy.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Strategy Letter IV: Bloatware and the 80/20 Myth

Joel on Software - Diary entry for 2 April, 2002

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Whenever somebody gives you a spec for some new technology, if you can’t understand the spec, don’t worry too much. Nobody else is going to understand it, either, and it’s probably not going to be important. This is the lesson of SGML, which hardly anyone used, until Tim Berners-Lee dumbed it down dramatically and suddenly people understood it. For the same reason he simplified the file transfer protocol, creating HTTP to replace FTP.

You can see this phenomenon all over the place; even within a given technology some things are easy enough to figure out and people use them (like COM’s IUnknown), while others are so morbidly complicated (IMonikers) when they should be simple (what’s wrong with URLs?) that they languish.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Diary entry for 2 April, 2002

Joel on Software - Excerpt from “UI Design for Programmers”

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When I was 6 and my dad brought home one of the world’s first pocket calculators, an HP-35, he tried to convince me that it had a computer inside it. I thought that was unlikely. All the computers on Star Trek were the size of a room and had big reel-to-reel tape recorders. I thought that there was just a clever correlation between the keys on the keypad and the individual elements of the LED display that happened to produce mathematically correct results. (Hey, I was 6).

Author Joel Spolsky
Work User Interface Design for Programmers - Chapter 2

Joel on Software - “Law of Leaky Abstractions”

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Imagine that we had a way of sending actors from Broadway to Hollywood that involved putting them in cars and driving them across the country. Some of these cars crashed, killing the poor actors. Sometimes the actors got drunk on the way and shaved their heads or got nasal tattoos, thus becoming too ugly to work in Hollywood, and frequently the actors arrived in a different order than they had set out, because they all took different routes. Now imagine a new service called Hollywood Express, which delivered actors to Hollywood, guaranteeing that they would (a) arrive (b) in order (c) in perfect condition. The magic part is that Hollywood Express doesn’t have any method of delivering the actors, other than the unreliable method of putting them in cars and driving them across the country. Hollywood Express works by checking that each actor arrives in perfect condition, and, if he doesn’t, calling up the home office and requesting that the actor’s identical twin be sent instead. If the actors arrive in the wrong order Hollywood Express rearranges them. If a large UFO on its way to Area 51 crashes on the highway in Nevada, rendering it impassable, all the actors that went that way are rerouted via Arizona and Hollywood Express doesn’t even tell the movie directors in California what happened. To them, it just looks like the actors are arriving a little bit more slowly than usual, and they never even hear about the UFO crash.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work The Law of Leaky Abstractions

Joel on Software - “Working on CityDesk, Part One”

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A common misconception, I assume popularized by Hollywood, is that as you get closer to shipping software, activity becomes frenetic as everybody scrambles to finish all the things that need to be done in time for the deadline. In the typical crappy movie, there’s a mad rush of typing in a room full of cool alterna-dressed programmers with found-object earrings and jeans jackets. Somebody stands up and shouts to the room in general “I need the Jiff subroutine! Somebody give me the Jiff subroutine!” A good looking young woman in Vivienne Tam urbanwear throws a floppy disk at him. “Thanks!” As the second hand swoops towards the :00, the whole team waits breathlessly around Ryan Phillipe’s computer and watches the “copy” progress indicator as the final bits are put onto a floppy disk with less than a second to spare before the VC cuts off funding. … On good teams, the days before shipping just get quieter and quieter as programmers literally run out of things to do one at a time. (Yesterday I took the day off to explore New York City with my wee niece and nephews.)

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Working on CityDesk, Part One

Joel on Software - “Bloatware and the 80/20 Myth”

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Version 5.0 of Microsoft’s flagship spreadsheet program Excel came out in 1993. It was positively huge: it required a whole 15 megabytes of hard drive space. In those days we could still remember our first 20MB PC hard drives (around 1985) and so 15MB sure seemed like a lot. By the time Excel 2000 came out, it required a whopping 146MB… almost a tenfold increase! Dang those sloppy Microsoft programmers, right?

Wrong.

In 1993, given the cost of hard drives in those days, Microsoft Excel 5.0 took up about $36 worth of hard drive space. In 2000, given the cost of hard drives in 2000, Microsoft Excel 2000 takes up about $1.03 in hard drive space. (These figures are adjusted for inflation and based on hard drive price data from here.)

In real terms, it’s almost like Excel is actually getting smaller!

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Strategy Letter IV: Bloatware and the 80/20 Myth

Joel on Software - On Unicode

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So I have an announcement to make: if you are a programmer working in 2003 and you don’t know the basics of characters, character sets, encodings, and Unicode, and I catch you, I’m going to punish you by making you peel onions for 6 months in a submarine. I swear I will.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work The Absolute Minimum Every Software Developer Absolutely, Positively Must Know About Unicode and Character Sets (No Excuses!)

Joel on Software - “How Microsoft Lost the API War”

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But the idea of unifying the mess of Visual Basic and Windows API programming by creating a completely new, ground-up programming environment with not one, not two, but three languages (or are there four?) is sort of like the idea of getting two quarreling kids to stop arguing by shouting “shut up!” louder than either of them. It only works on TV. In real life, when you shout “shut up!” to two people arguing loudly, you just create a louder three-way argument.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work How Microsoft Lost the API War

Joel on Software - “How Microsoft Lost the API War”

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And here’s the clincher: I noticed (and confirmed this with a recruiter friend) that Windows API programmers here in New York City who know C++ and COM programming earn about $130,000 a year, while typical Web programmers using managed code languages (Java, PHP, Perl, even ASP.NET) earn about $80,000 a year. That’s a huge difference, and when I talked to some friends from Microsoft Consulting Services about this they admitted that Microsoft had lost a whole generation of developers. The reason it takes $130,000 to hire someone with COM experience is because nobody bothered learning COM programming in the last eight years or so, so you have to find somebody really senior, usually they’re already in management, and convince them to take a job as a grunt programmer, dealing with (God help me) marshalling and monikers and apartment threading and aggregates and tearoffs and a million other things that, basically, only Don Box ever understood, and even Don Box can’t bear to look at them any more.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work How Microsoft Lost the API War

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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One of the biggest questions you’re going to be asking now is, “How much should I charge for my software?” When you ask the experts they don’t seem to know. Pricing is a deep, dark mystery, they tell you. The biggest mistake software companies make is charging too little, so they don’t get enough income, and they have to go out of business. An even bigger mistake, yes, even bigger than the biggest mistake, is charging too much, so they don’t get enough customers, and they have to go out of business. Going out of business is not good because everybody loses their job, and you have to go work at Wal*Mart as a greeter, earning minimum wage and being forced to wear a polyester uniform all day long.

So if you like cotton uniforms you better get this right.

The answer is really complicated. I’m going to start with a little economic theory, then I’m going to tear the theory to bits, and when I’m finished, you’ll know a lot more about pricing and you still won’t know how much to charge for your software, but that’s just the nature of pricing. If you can’t be bothered to read this, just charge $0.05 for your software, unless it does bug tracking, in which case charge $30,000,000 for it.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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NOW WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE!

This is really cool. I think we’re on the verge of solving the problem of how much to charge for software! I’M SO EXCITED!

The reason I’m so excited is it looks like if you plot price against profit, you get a nice curve with a big hump in the middle! And we all know what humps mean! Humps mean local maxima! Or camels. But here they mean local maxima!

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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“O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!” I chortle. We have found the optimum price, $220, and that’s how much you should charge for your software. Thanks for your time.

Ahem.

Thank you for your time! Nothing more to see here! Move along now!

You’re not leaving.

I see.

Some of the more observant members of my audience have detected through careful analysis of the scrollbar position in their web browser that I might have something more to say other than “$220.”

Well, maybe. There’s just a tiny little loose end I left untied which I might as well tie up now if you’re all still up for it. Ok? OK!

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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The difference between $399 and $220, i.e., $179, is called consumer surplus. It’s the extra value that those rich consumers got from their purchase that they would have been perfectly happy to do without.

It’s sort of like if you were all set to buy that new merino wool sweater, and you thought it was going to cost $70, which is well worth it, and when you got to Banana Republic it was on sale for only $50! Now you have an extra $20 in found money that you would have been perfectly happy to give to the Banana Republicans!

Yipes!

That bothers good capitalists. Gosh darn it, if you’re willing to do without it, well, give it to me! I can put it to good use, buying a SUV or condo or Mooney or yacht one of those other things capitalists buy!

In economist jargon, capitalists want to capture the consumer surplus.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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There are more subtle ways to segment. You know those grocery coupons you see in the paper? The ones that get you 25 cents off a box of Tide detergent if you clip them out and remember to bring them to the store? Well, the trouble with grocery coupons is that there’s so much manual labour involved in clipping them, and sorting them out, and remembering which ones to use, and choosing brands based on which coupons you have, and so on, and the net effect is that if you clip coupons you’re probably working for about $7.00 an hour.

Now, if you’re retired and living off of social security, $7 an hour sounds pretty good, so you do it, but if you’re a stock analyst at Merrill Lynch getting paid $12,000,000 a year to say nice things about piece-of-junk Internet companies, working for $7 an hour is a joke, and you’re not going to clip coupons. Heck, in one hour you could issue “buy” recommendations on ten piece-of-junk Internet companies! So coupons are a way for consumer products companies to charge two different prices and effectively segment their market into two. Mail-in rebates are pretty much the same as coupons, with some other twists like the fact that they reveal your address, so you can be direct marketed to in the future.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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In the world of software, you can just make a version of your product called “Professional” and another version called “Home” with some inconsequential differences, and hope that the corporate purchasers (again, the people who are not spending their own money) will be too embarassed at the thought of using “Windows XP Home Edition” at work and they’ll buy the Pro edition. Home Edition at work? Somehow that feels like coming to work in your pyjamas! Ick!

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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Bad Idea #1: Site Licenses.

The opposite of segmentation, really. I have certain competitors that do this: they charge small customers per-user but then there’s a “unlimited” license at a fixed price. This is nutty, because you’re giving the biggest price break precisely to the largest customers, the ones who would be willing to pay you the most money. Do you really want IBM to buy your software for their 400,000 employees and pay you $2000? Hmm?

As soon as you have an “unlimited” price, you are instantly giving a gigantic gift of consumer surplus to the least price-sensitive customers who should have been the cash cows of your business.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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Notice the gap? There’s no software priced between $1000 and $75,000. I’ll tell you why. The minute you charge more than $1000 you need to get serious corporate signoffs. You need a line item in their budget. You need purchasing managers and CEO approval and competitive bids and paperwork. So you need to send a salesperson out to the customer to do PowerPoint, with his airfare, golf course memberships, and $19.95 porn movies at the Ritz Carlton. And with all this, the cost of making one successful sale is going to average about $50,000. If you’re sending salespeople out to customers and charging less than $75,000, you’re losing money.

The joke of it is, big companies protect themselves so well against the risk of buying something expensive that they actually drive up the cost of the expensive stuff, from $1000 to $75000, which mostly goes towards the cost of jumping all the hurdles that they set up to insure that no purchase can possibly go wrong.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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We have lots of FogBugz customers who have high-priced Remedy, Rational, or Mercury products sitting on the shelves after investments of well over $100,000, because that software isn’t good enough to actually use. Then they buy a couple of thousand dollars worth of FogBugz and that’s the product they really use. The Rational salesperson is laughing at me, because I have $2000 in the bank and he has $100,000. But I have far more customers than he does, and they’re all using my product, and evangelizing it, and spreading it, while Rational customers either (a) don’t use it or (b) use it and can’t stand it. But he’s still laughing at me from his 40 foot yacht while I play with rubber duckies in the bathtub. Like I said, all three methods work fine. But cheaper prices is like buying advertising and as such is an investment in the future.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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You can have focus groups and ask people, but they’ll lie to you. Some people will lie to show off their generosity and wealth. “Heck, yeah, I’d buy a pair of $400 jeans in a New York Minute!” Other people will lie because they really want your thing and they think you’ll decide to charge less money if they tell you a low number. “Blogging software? Hmm. I’d pay, at most, 38 cents.”

Then you ask another focus group the next day, and this time, the first man to speak has a crush on a pretty woman in the group, and he wants to impress her, so he starts talking about how much his car cost and everyone is thinking Big Numbers. And the day after that, you serve Starbucks during the break, and while you’re in the john everyone unbeknownst to you gets into a side conversation about paying $4 for a cup of coffee, and they’re in a real frugal mood when you ask them about their willingness to pay.

Then you finally get the focus group to agree that your software is worth $25 a month, and then you ask them how much they would pay for a permanent license and the same people just won’t go a penny over $100. People seriously can’t count.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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And, in fact, you can’t even be sure that the demand curve is downward sloping.

The only reason we assumed that the demand curve is downward sloping is that we assumed things like “if Freddy is willing to buy a pair of sneakers for $130, he is certainly willing to buy those same sneakers for $20.” Right? Ha! Not if Freddy is an American teenager! American teenagers would not be caught dead in $20 sneakers. It’s, like, um, the death penalty? if you are wearing sneakers? that only cost $20 a pair? in school?

I’m not joking around here: prices send signals. Movies in my town cost, I think, $11. Criminy. There used to be a movie theatre that had movies for $3. Did anyone go there? I DON’T THINK SO. It’s obviously just a dumping ground for lousy movies. Somebody is now at the bottom of the East River with $20.00 cement sneakers because they dared to tell the consumer which movies the industry thought were lousy.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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When you’re setting a price, you’re sending a signal. If your competitor’s software ranges in price from about $100 to about $500, and you decide, heck, my product is about in the middle of the road, so I’ll sell it for $300, well, what message do you think you’re sending to your customers? You’re telling them that you think your software is “eh.” I have a better idea: charge $1350. Now your customers will think, “oh, man, that stuff has to be the cat’s whiskers since they’re charging mad coin for it!”

And then they won’t buy it because the limit on the corporate AMEX is $500.

Misery.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - On the Pricing of Software

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The more you learn about pricing, the less you seem to know.

I’ve been nattering on about this topic for well over 5000 words and I don’t really feel like we’re getting anywhere, you and I.

Some days it seems like it would be easier to be a taxi driver, with prices set by law. Or to be selling sugar. Plain ol’ sugar. Yep. That would be sweet.

Take my advice, offered about 20 pages back: charge $0.05 for your software. Unless it does bug tracking, in which case the correct price is $30,000,000. Thank you for your time, and I apologize for leaving you even less able to price software than you were when you started reading this.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Camels and Rubber Duckies

Joel on Software - Blog Entry of 2 September, 2004

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In Usenet, whenever a single newsgroup got too large, it tended to fork. So from comp we got comp.sys.ibm.pc which split into smaller and smaller groups like the unloved comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.video, created because people were sick of talking about video drivers on the main group.

I didn’t like forks, because they make discussions less interesting. I mean, it’s bad enough there’s a comp.software.windows.nt.40.microsoft.notepad, does there have to be a comp.software.windows.nt.40.microsoft.notepad.helpfile.index? Seriously now.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work blog entry of 2 September, 2004

Joel on Software - “Two Stories”

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I want to tell you two stories from my career which I think are classic illustrations of the difference between tech companies that are well-managed and tech companies that are disasters. It comes down to the difference between trusting employees and letting them get things done, versus treating them like burger flippers that need to be monitored and controlled every minute, lest they wander off and sabotage everything.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Two Stories

Joel on Software - “Two Stories”

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My first assignment at my first job was working at Microsoft, where I was told to come up with a new macro language strategy for Excel. Pretty soon, I had the first draft of the “Excel Basic” spec (which later evolved into Visual Basic for Applications, but that’s another story). Somehow, this mysterious group of people at Microsoft called the “Application Architecture” group got wind of my spec, which must have concerned them, because for some reason they thought that they were in charge of things like macro language strategies, and they asked to see my spec.

I asked around. Who’s the Application Architecture group? Nobody seemed to think they were very serious. It turns out that they were a group of just four people, recent hires with PhDs (very unusual for Microsoft). I sent them a copy of my spec and went to meet them, in case they had something interesting to say.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Two Stories

Joel on Software - “Two Stories”

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I sent them [= the Application Architecture group] a copy of my spec and went to meet them, in case they had something interesting to say.

“Blah blah!” said one of them. “Blah blah blah, blah blah blah!” said another. I don’t think they quite had anything interesting to say. They were very enamored of the idea of subclassing and sort of thought that people making macros in Excel wanted to subclass a lot of things. In any case, one of the fellows said, “Well, this is all very interesting. What’s next? Who has to approve your spec?”

I laughed. Even though I had only been at Microsoft for a few months, I knew that there was no such thing as somebody approving my spec. Hell, nobody had time to read my spec, let alone approve it. The programmers were bugging me every day to get them more pages so that they could write more code. My boss (and his boss) made it very clear to me that nobody else understood macros or had time to work on macros, so whatever I did, it better be right. And here this PhD working in a strange research group at Microsoft assumed that things were a bit more formal than that.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Two Stories

Joel on Software - “Two Stories”

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I pretty rapidly realized that the App Architecture group knew even less than I did about macros. At least, I had talked to a handful of macro developers and some Excel old-timers to get a grip on what people actually did with Excel macros: things like recalculating a spreadsheet every day, or rearranging some data according to a certain pattern. But the App Architecture group had merely thought about macros as an academic exercise, and they couldn’t actually come up with any examples of the kind of macros people would want to write. Pressured, one of them came up with the idea that since Excel already had underlining and double-underlining, perhaps someone would want to write a macro to triple underline. Yep. REAL common. So I proceeded to ignore them as diplomatically as possible.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Two Stories

Joel on Software - “Two Stories”

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I would have been perfectly happy to leave it at that. If the Apps Architecture team needed care and feeding and wanted to argue about stuff, that was OK, I would argue with them as much as they wanted as long as they left the programmers alone to do their work. But then something even more interesting happened that blew my mind. I was sitting at lunch with some coworkers, in the Redmond sun, when Pete Higgins came up to me. At that time Pete was the general manager for Office -- I knew who he was, of course, but didn’t expect that he knew me very well.

- “How’s it going, Joel?” he asked.

“I hear you’ve been having some issues with the App Architecture group.”

- “Oh no!” I said. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

- “Say no more,” he said, “I understand.” He left.

By the next day the rumor had gotten back to me: the App Architecture group was disbanded. Not only that, but each member of the group was sent to a different department at Microsoft, as far apart as possible. I never heard from them again. I was blown away, of course. At Microsoft, if you’re the Program Manager working on the Excel macro strategy, even if you’ve been at the company for less than six months, it doesn’t matter - you are the GOD of the Excel macro strategy, and nobody, not even employee number 6, is allowed to get in your way. Period.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Two Stories

Joel on Software - “Biculturalism”

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Let’s look at a small example. The Unix programming culture holds in high esteem programs which can be called from the command line, which take arguments that control every aspect of their behavior, and the output of which can be captured as regularly-formatted, machine readable plain text. Such programs are valued because they can easily be incorporated into other programs or larger software systems by programmers. To take one miniscule example, there is a core value in the Unix culture, which Raymond calls “Silence is Golden,” that a program that has done exactly what you told it to do successfully should provide no output whatsoever. It doesn’t matter if you’ve just typed a 300 character command line to create a file system, or built and installed a complicated piece of software, or sent a manned rocket to the moon. If it succeeds, the accepted thing to do is simply output nothing. The user will infer from the next command prompt that everything must be OK.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Biculturalism

Joel on Software - “FogBugz 4+1/2 and Subjective Well-Being”

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Brett also snuck in a feature he’s been itching for: lots and lots and lots of keyboard shortcuts. There’s only one keyboard shortcut you have to memorize, though: Ctrl+; switches FogBugz into keyboard mode and little letters light up reminding you what the shortcuts are for various commands around the screen. It’s really pretty cool to be able to work through a bunch of cases, assigning, editing, and reprioritizing, without ever reaching for the mouse. Combined with the speed and responsiveness from Ajax, FogBugz has almost reached the level of speed and fluidity of my dry cleaner’s DOS 2.0 character mode database application. And that’s pretty darn responsive for a web app.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work FogBugz 4+1/2 and Subjective Well-Being

Joel on Software - “The Perils of JavaSchools”

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The recruiters-who-use-grep, by the way, are ridiculed here, and for good reason. I have never met anyone who can do Scheme, Haskell, and C pointers who can’t pick up Java in two days, and create better Java code than people with five years of experience in Java, but try explaining that to the average HR drone.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work The Perils of JavaSchools

Joel on Software - “The Perils of JavaSchools”

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The most sympathetic interpretation of why CS departments are so enthusiastic to dumb down their classes is that it leaves them more time to teach actual CS concepts, if they don’t need to spend two whole lectures unconfusing students about the difference between, say, a Java int and an Integer. Well, if that’s the case, 6.001 has the perfect answer for you: Scheme, a teaching language so simple that the entire language can be taught to bright students in about ten minutes; then you can spend the rest of the semester on fixed points. Feh.

I’m going back to ones and zeros.

(You had ones? Lucky bastard! All we got were zeros.)

Author Joel Spolsky
Work The Perils of JavaSchools

Joel on Software - “The Joel Test”

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Of course, these are not the only factors that determine success or failure: in particular, if you have a great software team working on a product that nobody wants, well, people aren’t going to want it. And it’s possible to imagine a team of “gunslingers” that doesn’t do any of this stuff that still manages to produce incredible software that changes the world. But, all else being equal, if you get these 12 things right, you’ll have a disciplined team that can consistently deliver.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work The Joel Test: 12 Steps to Better Code

Joel on Software - “The Joel Test”

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The very first version of Microsoft Word for Windows was considered a “death march” project. It took forever. It kept slipping. The whole team was working ridiculous hours, the project was delayed again, and again, and again, and the stress was incredible. When the dang thing finally shipped, years late, Microsoft sent the whole team off to Cancun for a vacation, then sat down for some serious soul-searching.

What they realized was that the project managers had been so insistent on keeping to the “schedule” that programmers simply rushed through the coding process, writing extremely bad code, because the bug fixing phase was not a part of the formal schedule. There was no attempt to keep the bug-count down. Quite the opposite. The story goes that one programmer, who had to write the code to calculate the height of a line of text, simply wrote “return 12;” and waited for the bug report to come in about how his function is not always correct. The schedule was merely a checklist of features waiting to be turned into bugs. In the post-mortem, this was referred to as “infinite defects methodology”.

To correct the problem, Microsoft universally adopted something called a “zero defects methodology”. Many of the programmers in the company giggled, since it sounded like management thought they could reduce the bug count by executive fiat. Actually, “zero defects” meant that at any given time, the highest priority is to eliminate bugs before writing any new code.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work The Joel Test: 12 Steps to Better Code

Joel on Software - “The Joel Test”

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Writing code in a compiled language is one of the last things that still can’t be done instantly on a garden variety home computer. If your compilation process takes more than a few seconds, getting the latest and greatest computer is going to save you time. If compiling takes even 15 seconds, programmers will get bored while the compiler runs and switch over to reading The Onion, which will suck them in and kill hours of productivity.

Debugging GUI code with a single monitor system is painful if not impossible. If you’re writing GUI code, two monitors will make things much easier.

Most programmers eventually have to manipulate bitmaps for icons or toolbars, and most programmers don’t have a good bitmap editor available. Trying to use Microsoft Paint to manipulate bitmaps is a joke, but that’s what most programmers have to do.

At my last job, the system administrator kept sending me automated spam complaining that I was using more than… get this… 220 megabytes of hard drive space on the server. I pointed out that given the price of hard drives these days, the cost of this space was significantly less than the cost of the toilet paper I used. Spending even 10 minutes cleaning up my directory would be a fabulous waste of productivity.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work The Joel Test: 12 Steps to Better Code

Joel on Software - “Seven steps to remarkable customer service”

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This has two implications.

One: it’s crucial that tech support have access to the development team. This means that you can’t outsource tech support: they have to be right there at the same street address as the developers, with a way to get things fixed. Many software companies still think that it’s “economical” to run tech support in Bangalore or the Philippines, or to outsource it to another company altogether. Yes, the cost of a single incident might be $10 instead of $50, but you’re going to have to pay $10 again and again.

When we handle a tech support incident with a well-qualified person here in New York, chances are that’s the last time we’re ever going to see that particular incident. So with one $50 incident we’ve eliminated an entire class of problems.

Somehow, the phone companies and the cable companies and the ISPs just don’t understand this equation. They outsource their tech support to the cheapest possible provider and end up paying $10 again and again and again fixing the same problem again and again and again instead of fixing it once and for all in the source code. The cheap call centers have no mechanism for getting problems fixed; indeed, they have no incentive to get problems fixed because their income depends on repeat business, and there’s nothing they like better than being able to give the same answer to the same question again and again.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Seven steps to remarkable customer service

Joel on Software - “Seven steps to remarkable customer service”

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Microsoft’s Raymond Chen tells the story of a customer who complains that the keyboard isn’t working. Of course, it’s unplugged. If you try asking them if it’s plugged in, “they will get all insulted and say indignantly, ‘Of course it is! Do I look like an idiot?’ without actually checking.”

“Instead,” Chen suggests, “say ‘Okay, sometimes the connection gets a little dusty and the connection gets weak. Could you unplug the connector, blow into it to get the dust out, then plug it back in?’

“They will then crawl under the desk, find that they forgot to plug it in (or plugged it into the wrong port), blow out the dust, plug it in, and reply, ‘Um, yeah, that fixed it, thanks.’”

Many requests for a customer to check something can be phrased this way. Instead of telling them to check a setting, tell them to change the setting and then change it back “just to make sure that the software writes out its settings.”

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Seven steps to remarkable customer service

Joel on Software - “Strategy Letter II: Chicken and Egg Problems”

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When the Macintosh first came out, there was no software available for it. So obviously, Apple created a giant glossy catalog listing all the great software that was “available”. Half of the items listed said, in fine print, “under development,” and the other half couldn’t be had for love or money. Some were such lame products nobody would buy them. But even having a thick glossy catalog with one software “product” per page described in glowing prose couldn’t disguise the fact that you just could not buy a word processor or spreadsheet to run on your 128KB Macintosh. There were similar “software product guides” for NeXT and BeOS. (Attention, NeXT and BeOS bigots: I don’t need any flak about your poxy operating systems, OK? Write your own column.) The only thing a software product guide tells you is that there is no software available for the system. When you see one of these beasts, run fleeing in the opposite direction.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Strategy Letter II: Chicken and Egg Problems

Joel on Software - “Strategy Letter II: Chicken and Egg Problems”

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Amiga, Atari ST, Gem, IBM TopView, NeXT, BeOS, Windows CE, General Magic, the list of failed “new platforms” goes on and on. Because they are platforms, they are, by definition, not very interesting in and of themselves without juicy software to run on them. But, with very few exceptions (and I’m sure I’ll get a whole host of email from tedious supporters of arcane and unloved platforms like the Amiga or RSTS-11), no software developer with the least bit of common sense would intentionally write software for a platform with 100,000 users on a good day, like BeOS, when they could do the same amount of work and create software for a platform with 100,000,000 users, like Windows. The fact that anybody writes software for those oddball systems at all proves that the profit motive isn’t everything: religious fervor is still alive and well. Good for you, darling. You wrote a nice microEmacs clone for the Timex Sinclair 1000. Bravo. Here’s a quarter, buy yourself a treat.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Strategy Letter II: Chicken and Egg Problems

Joel on Software - “Evidence Based Scheduling”

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Software developers don’t really like to make schedules. Usually, they try to get away without one. “It’ll be done when it’s done!” they say, expecting that such a brave, funny zinger will reduce their boss to a fit of giggles, and in the ensuing joviality, the schedule will be forgotten.

Most of the schedules you do see are halfhearted attempts. They’re stored on a file share somewhere and completely forgotten. When these teams ship, two years late, that weird guy with the file cabinet in his office brings the old printout to the post mortem, and everyone has a good laugh. “Hey look! We allowed two weeks for rewriting from scratch in Ruby!”

Hilarious! If you’re still in business.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Evidence Based Scheduling

Joel on Software - “Evidence Based Scheduling”

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Most estimators get the scale wrong but the relative estimates right. Everything takes longer than expected, because the estimate didn’t account for bug fixing, committee meetings, coffee breaks, and that crazy boss who interrupts all the time. This common estimator has very consistent velocities, but they’re below 1.0. For example, {0.6, 0.5, 0.6, 0.6, 0.5, 0.6, 0.7, 0.6}

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Evidence Based Scheduling

Joel on Software - “Evidence Based Scheduling”

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Let me walk you through a quick example. To make this example as simple as possible, I’m going to imagine a very predictable programmer, John, whose whole job is writing those one-line getter and setter functions that inferior programming languages require. All day long this is all he does:

private int width; public int getWidth () { return width; } public void setWidth (int _width} { width = _width; }

I know, I know… it’s a deliberately dumb example, but you know you’ve met someone like this.

Anyway. Each getter or setter takes him 2 hours. So his task estimates look like this:

{2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, … }

Now, this poor guy has a boss who interrupts him every once in a while with a two-hour conversation about marlin fishing. Now, of course, John could have a task on his schedule called “Painful conversations about marlin,” and put that on his timesheet, but this might not be politically prudent. Instead, John just keeps the clock running. So his actual times look like this:

{2, 2, 2, 2, 4, 2, 2, 2, 2, 4, 2, … }

And his velocities are:

{1, 1, 1, 1, 0.5, 1, 1, 1, 1, 0.5, 1, … }

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Evidence Based Scheduling

Joel on Software - “Evidence Based Scheduling”

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Assuming you had everything planned down to the last detail when you started work, EBS works great. To be honest, though, you may do some features that you hadn’t planned. You get new ideas, your salespeople sell features you don’t have, and somebody on the board of directors comes up with a cool new idea to make your golf cart GPS application monitor EKGs while golfers are buzzing around the golf course. All this leads to delays that could not have been predicted when you did the original schedule.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Evidence Based Scheduling

Joel on Software - “Evidence Based Scheduling”

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Way back when I was working on Excel 5, our initial feature list was huge and would have gone way over schedule. “Oh my!” we thought. “Those are all super important features! How can we live without a macro editing wizard?”

As it turns out, we had no choice, and we cut what we thought was “to the bone” to make the schedule. Everybody felt unhappy about the cuts. To make people feel better, we told ourselves that we weren’t cutting the features, we were simply deferring them to Excel 6.

As Excel 5 was nearing completion, I started working on the Excel 6 spec with a colleague, Eric Michelman. We sat down to go through the list of “Excel 6” features that had been punted from the Excel 5 schedule. Guess what? It was the shoddiest list of features you could imagine. Not one of those features was worth doing. I don’t think a single one of them ever was. The process of culling features to fit a schedule was the best thing we could have done. If we hadn’t done this, Excel 5 would have taken twice as long and included 50% useless crap features that would have had to be supported, for backwards compatibility, until the end of time.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Evidence Based Scheduling

Joel on Software - Blog Entry for 19 February, 2008

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Last week, Microsoft published the binary file formats for Office. These formats appear to be almost completely insane. The Excel 97-2003 file format is a 349 page PDF file. But wait, that’s not all there is to it! This document includes the following interesting comment:

Each Excel workbook is stored in a compound file.

You see, Excel 97-2003 files are OLE compound documents, which are, essentially, file systems inside a single file. These are sufficiently complicated that you have to read another 9 page spec to figure that out. And these “specs” look more like C data structures than what we traditionally think of as a spec. It’s a whole hierarchical file system.

If you started reading these documents with the hope of spending a weekend writing some spiffy code that imports Word documents into your blog system, or creates Excel-formatted spreadsheets with your personal finance data, the complexity and length of the spec probably cured you of that desire pretty darn quickly. A normal programmer would conclude that Office’s binary file formats:

  • are deliberately obfuscated
  • are the product of a demented Borg mind
  • were created by insanely bad programmers
  • and are impossible to read or create correctly.
Author Joel Spolsky
Work Blog entry for 19 February 2008

Joel on Software Forum - PHP, Perl and Python

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You know, as much as I hate to see Joel backhand ole Perl, I’ve seen it done before (http://www.cabochon.com/~stevey/blog-rants/blog-ancient-perl.html) and I’m over it. Whatever. It’s not a real object oriented language, too many idiosyncrasies, yadda yadda yadda I woke up next to python.

But, I mean, PHP?? Uh, what?

Weekly root exploits, a thousand ways to escape a DB insert, object oriented is even further behind in adoption than Perl (there’s actually tons of pretty clean oo Perl code, on CPAN), doesn’t play well with apache2.

Oh but it’s popular. Yes, it’s very easy to find PHP programmers. You know, it’s also pretty easy to find JavaScript programmers! COBOL was apparently pretty hot at one point.

It’s not that I have anything against PHP. I mean, people seem to get sh*t done with it. And they’re not all friggin frigtards. Even 37 signals built their website in PHP and those guys are supposed to be the bees knees.

But… PHP is industrial strength, Python is halfway there, and Perl is ass?

Yes. Also: Toyota can be deeded to your grandkids, but Honda will explode before you drive it home; Heath tastes totally incredible and Skor will make you vomit.

Author “a Hack”
Work PHP more maintainable than Perl, also Pepsi way better than Coke

Joel on Software - Excerpt from the Book Reviews

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A few months ago when we released CityDesk, I got an email from a customer complaining that he was used to doing Alt+F, Alt+S to save files. Unfortunately due to a tiny, unnoticed bug, that keyboard shortcut saved the file and then closed it, irritatingly. I had never noticed because I’m in the habit of doing Alt+F,S to save files, not Alt+F,Alt+S -- a tiny difference -- and Alt+F,S worked fine.

Once you get into the habit of doing Alt+F,Alt+S to save, it becomes so automatic you don’t think of it as Alt+F,Alt+S. You think of it as save. And when you push the “save” button in your brain and the file you were working on goes away, it makes you feel like you’re not in control of your environment. It’s a small thing, but about the fourth time that it happens, you’re going to be seriously unhappy. That’s why I spent several hours tracking down this bug and fixing it. In a bizarre application of Murphy’s Law, this fix led to a cascade of events that caused us to waste something like a week, but that’s neither here nor there. It was worth the time spent. This is what it means to be concerned about usability. If you still think that something as small as how long you hold down the Alt key when you active a menu command doesn’t matter, well, your software is going to make people unhappy. These tiny inconsistencies are what makes Swing applications so unbearably annoying to use, and in my opinion it’s why there are virtually no commercially successful Java GUI applications.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Book Reviews

Joel on Software - “Martian Headsets”

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You’re about to see the mother of all flamewars on internet groups where web developers hang out. It’ll make the Battle of Stalingrad look like that time your sister-in-law stormed out of afternoon tea at your grandmother’s and wrapped the Mustang around a tree.

This upcoming battle will be presided over by Dean Hachamovitch, the Microsoft veteran currently running the team that’s going to bring you the next version of Internet Explorer, 8.0. The IE 8 team is in the process of making a decision that lies perfectly, exactly, precisely on the fault line smack in the middle of two different ways of looking at the world. It’s the difference between conservatives and liberals, it’s the difference between “idealists” and “realists,” it’s a huge global jihad dividing members of the same family, engineers against computer scientists, and Lexuses vs. olive trees.

And there’s no solution. But it will be really, really entertaining to watch, because 99% of the participants in the flame wars are not going to understand what they’re talking about. It’s not just entertainment: it’s required reading for every developer who needs to design interoperable systems.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Martian Headsets

Joel on Software - “Martian Headsets”

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And the whole problem hinges on the little tiny decision of what IE8 should do when it encounters a page that claims to support “standards”, but has probably only been tested against IE7.

What the hell is a standard?

Don’t they have standards in all kinds of engineering endeavors? (Yes.)

Don’t they usually work? (Mmmm…..)

Why are “web standards” so frigging messed up? (It’s not just Microsoft’s fault. It’s your fault too. And Jon Postel’s (1943-1998). I’ll explain that later.)

There is no solution. Each solution is terribly wrong. Eric Bangeman at ars technica writes, “The IE team has to walk a fine line between tight support for W3C standards and making sure sites coded for earlier versions of IE still display correctly.” This is incorrect. It’s not a fine line. It’s a line of negative width. There is no place to walk. They are damned if they do and damned if they don’t.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Martian Headsets

Joel on Software - “Martian Headsets”

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That’s why I can’t take sides on this issue and I’m not going to. But every working software developer should understand, at least, how standards work, how standards should work, how we got into this mess, so I want to try to explain a little bit about the problem here, and you’ll see that it’s the same reason Microsoft Vista is selling so poorly, and it’s the same issue I wrote about when I referred to the Raymond Chen camp (pragmatists) at Microsoft vs. the MSDN camp (idealists), the MSDN camp having won, and now nobody can figure out where their favorite menu commands went in Microsoft Office 2007, and nobody wants Vista, and it’s all the same debate: whether you are an Idealist (”red”) or a Pragmatist (”blue”).

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Martian Headsets

Joel on Software - “Martian Headsets”

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Imagine that you went to Mars, where you discovered that the beings who live there don’t have the portable music player. They’re still using boom boxes.

You realize this is a huge business opportunity and start selling portable MP3 players (except on Mars they’re called Qxyzrhjjjjukltks) and compatible headphones. To connect the MP3 player to the headphones, you invent a neat kind of metal jack that looks like this:

Picture of a stereo headphone jackBecause you control the player and the headphone, you can ensure that your player works with your headphones. This is a ONE TO ONE market. One player, one headphone.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Martian Headsets

Joel on Software - “Martian Headsets”

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So far, all is well. We have a de-facto standard for headphone jacks here. The written spec is not complete and not adequate, but anybody who wants to make a compatible headphone just has to plug it into your personal stereo device and test it, and if it works, all is well, they can sell it, and it will work.

Until you decide to make a new version, the Qxyzrhjjjjukltk 2.0.

The Qxyzrhjjjjukltk 2.0 is going to include a telephone (turns out Marslings didn’t figure out cell phones on their own, either) and the headphone is going to have to have a built-in microphone, which requires one more conductor, so you rework the connector into something totally incompatible and kind of ugly, with all kinds of room for expansion:

Completely different 25-conductor connector. And the Qxyzrhjjjjukltk 2.0 is a complete and utter failure in the market. Yes, it has a nice telephone thing, but nobody cared about that. They cared about their large collections of headphones. It turns out that when I said Marslings are very particular about the color of things that they stick in their ears, I meant it. Most trendy Marslings at this point have a whole closet full of nice headphones. They all look the same to you (red), but Marslings are very, very finicky about shades of red in a way that you never imagined. The newest high-end apartments on Mars are being marketed with a headphone closet. I kid you not.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Martian Headsets

Joel on Software - “Martian Headsets”

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A few years pass; you’re still selling Qxyzrhjjjjukltks like crazy; but now there are lots of Qxyzrhjjjjukltk clones on the market, like the open source FireQx, and lots of headphones, and you all keep inventing new features that require changes to the headphone jack and it’s driving the headphone makers crazy because they have to test their new designs out against every Qxyzrhjjjjukltk clone which is costly and time consuming and frankly most of them don’t have time and just get it to work on the most popular Qxyzrhjjjjukltk 5.0, and if that works, they’re happy, but of course when you plug the headphones into FireQx 3.0 lo and behold they explode in your hands because of a slight misunderstanding about some obscure thing in the spec which nobody really understands called hasLayout, and everybody understands that when it’s raining the hasLayout property is true and the voltage is supposed to increase to support the windshield-wiper feature, but there seems to be some debate over whether hail and snow are rain for the purpose of hasLayout, because the spec just doesn’t say. FireQx 3.0 treats snow as rain, because you need windshield wipers in the snow, Qxyzrhjjjjukltk 5.0 does not, because the programmer who worked on that feature lives in a warm part of Mars without snow and doesn’t have a driver’s license anyway. Yes, they have driver’s licenses on Mars.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Martian Headsets

Joel on Software - “Martian Headsets”

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And eventually some tedious bore writes a lengthy article on her blog explaining a trick you can use to make Qxyzrhjjjjukltk 5.0 behave just like FireQx 3.0 through taking advantage of a bug in Qxyzrhjjjjukltk 5.0 in which you trick Qxyzrhjjjjukltk into deciding that it’s raining when it’s snowing by melting a little bit of the snow, and it’s ridiculous, but everyone does it, because they have to solve the hasLayout incompatibility. Then the Qxyzrhjjjjukltk team fixes that bug in 6.0, and you’re screwed again, and you have to go find some new bug to exploit to make your windshield-wiper-equipped headphone work with either device.

NOW. This is the MANY-MANY market. Many players on the left hand side who don’t cooperate, and SCRILLIONS of players on the right hand side. And they’re all making mistakes because To Err Is Human.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Martian Headsets

Joel on Software - “Martian Headsets”

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If you’ve ever visited the ultra-orthodox Jewish communities of Jerusalem, all of whom agree in complete and utter adherence to every iota of Jewish law, you will discover that despite general agreement on what constitutes kosher food, that you will not find a rabbi from one ultra-orthodox community who is willing to eat at the home of a rabbi from a different ultra-orthodox community. And the web designers are discovering what the Jews of Mea Shearim have known for decades: just because you all agree to follow one book doesn’t ensure compatibility, because the laws are so complex and complicated and convoluted that it’s almost impossible to understand them all well enough to avoid traps and landmines, and you’re safer just asking for the fruit plate.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Martian Headsets

Joel on Software - “Five Worlds”

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Last week Kent Beck made a claim that you don’t really need bug tracking databases when you’re doing Extreme Programming, because the combination of pair programming (with persistent code review) and test driven development (guaranteeing 100% code coverage of the automated tests) means you hardly ever have bugs.

Lo and behold, I discovered that very few of the bugs in there would have been discovered with pair programming or test driven development. Many of our “bugs” are really what XP calls stories -- basically, just feature requests.

A lot of the other bugs were only discovered after much use in the field. The Polish keyboard thing. There’s no way pair programming was going to find that. And logical mistakes that never occurred to us in the way that different features work together. The larger and more complex a program, the more interactions between the features that you don’t think about. A particular unlikely sequence of characters ({${?, if you must know) that confuses the lexer. Some ftp servers produce an error when you delete a file that doesn’t exist (our ftp server does not complain so this never occurred to us.)

I carefully studied every bug. Out of 106 bugs we fixed for the service pack release of CityDesk, exactly 5 of them could have been prevented through pair programming or test driven design. We actually had more bugs that we knew about and thought weren’t important (only to be corrected by our customers!) than bugs that could have been caught by XP methods.

But Kent is right, for other types of development. For most corporate development applications, none of these things would be considered a bug. Program crashes on invalid input? Run it again, and this time watch your {${?’s! And we only have One Kind of FTP server and nobody in the whole company uses Polish Windows.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Five Worlds

All those wonderful GUI tools for Linux administration

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“Seriously, there is no reason why the command line should be required to configure Oracle just like there is no reason why the command line should be required to configure Linux. It is an indication of a company and people who are trying to raise the barrier to entry in order to hold on to revenue streams from support and training.”

You’re so right. I mean, all those wonderful GUI tools for Linux administration out there that Linux Inc. won’t let you use.

Oh wait. That’s right. There’s no single company deciding what you can and can’t use.

Okay, maybe it’s the fact that the people who *could* write tools for Linux system administration *already know* how to administer Linux systems, so they don’t need GUI tools. Yeah, that sounds a bit more likely.

Maybe with Oracle you have point. I’m sure they balance the lost support revenue from better tools against the lost sales revenue from more people wanting to buy their product because of the tools.

Author Drew Kime
Work Comment on “Oracle - How Quaint?”

Joel on Software - Fire and Motion

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Think of the history of data access strategies to come out of Microsoft. ODBC, RDO, DAO, ADO, OLEDB, now ADO.NET - All New! Are these technological imperatives? The result of an incompetent design group that needs to reinvent data access every goddamn year? (That’s probably it, actually.) But the end result is just cover fire. The competition has no choice but to spend all their time porting and keeping up, time that they can’t spend writing new features. Look closely at the software landscape. The companies that do well are the ones who rely least on big companies and don’t have to spend all their cycles catching up and reimplementing and fixing bugs that crop up only on Windows XP. The companies who stumble are the ones who spend too much time reading tea leaves to figure out the future direction of Microsoft. People get worried about .NET and decide to rewrite their whole architecture for .NET because they think they have to. Microsoft is shooting at you, and it’s just cover fire so that they can move forward and you can’t, because this is how the game is played, Bubby. Are you going to support Hailstorm? SOAP? RDF? Are you supporting it because your customers need it, or because someone is firing at you and you feel like you have to respond? The sales teams of the big companies understand cover fire. They go into their customers and say, “OK, you don’t have to buy from us. Buy from the best vendor. But make sure that you get a product that supports (XML / SOAP / CDE / J2EE) because otherwise you’ll be Locked In The Trunk.” Then when the little companies try to sell into that account, all they hear is obedient CTOs parrotting “Do you have J2EE?” And they have to waste all their time building in J2EE even if it doesn’t really make any sales, and gives them no opportunity to distinguish themselves. It’s a checkbox feature -- you do it because you need the checkbox saying you have it, but nobody will use it or needs it. And it’s cover fire.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Fire and Motion

Joel on Software - Rub a dub dub

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In those days, I thought, golly, there are zillions of bug tracking packages out there. Every programmer has written a dinky bug tracking package. Why would anyone buy ours? I knew one thing: programmers who start businesses often have the bad habit of thinking everybody else is a programmer just like them and wants the same stuff as them, and so they have an unhealthy tendency to start businesses that sell programming tools. That’s why you see so many scrawny companies hawking source-code-generating geegaws, error catching and emailing geegaws, debugging geegaws, syntax-coloring editing tchotchkes, ftping baubles, and, ahem, bug tracking packages. All kinds of stuff that only a programmer could love. I had no intention of falling into that trap!

Of course, nothing ever works out exactly as planned. FogBUGZ was popular. Really popular. It accounts for a significant chunk of Fog Creek’s revenue and sales are growing steadily. The People won’t stop buying it.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Rub a dub dub

Joel on Software - Rub a dub dub

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So we did version 2.0. This was an attempt to add some of the most obviously needed features. While David worked on version 2.0 we honestly didn’t think it was worth that much effort, so he tended to do things in what you might call an “expedient” fashion rather than, say, an “elegant” fashion. Certain, ahem, design issues in the original code were allowed to fester. There were two complete sets of nearly identical code for drawing the main bug-editing page. SQL statements were scattered throughout the HTML hither and yon, to and fro, pho and ton. Our HTML was creaky and designed for those ancient browsers that were so buggy they could crash loading about:blank.

Yeah, it worked brilliantly, we’ve been at zero known bugs for a while now. But inside, the code was, to use the technical term, a “big mess.” Adding new features was a hemorrhoid. To add one field to the central bug table would probably require 50 modifications, and you’d still be finding places you forgot to modify long after you bought your first family carplane for those weekend trips to your beach house on Mars.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Rub a dub dub

Joel on Software - Five Worlds - The Introduction

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Something important is almost never mentioned in all the literature about programming and software development, and as a result we sometimes misunderstand each other.

You’re a software developer. Me too. But we may not have the same goals and requirements. In fact there are several different worlds of software development, and different rules apply to different worlds.

You read a book about UML modeling, and nowhere does it say that it doesn’t make sense for programming device drivers. Or you read an article saying that “the 20MB runtime [required for .NET] is a NON issue” and it doesn’t mention the obvious: if you’re trying to write code for a 32KB ROM on a pager, it very much is an issue!

I think there are five worlds here, sometimes intersecting, often not. The five are:

  1. Shrinkwrap
  2. Internal
  3. Embedded
  4. Games
  5. Throwaway

When you read the latest book about Extreme Programming, or one of Steve McConnell’s excellent books, or Joel on Software, or Software Development magazine, you see a lot of claims about how to do software development, but you hardly ever see any mention of what kind of development they’re talking about, which is unfortunate, because sometimes you need to do things differently in different worlds.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Five Worlds

Joel on Software - Wrong Code Look Wrong - Clean Code

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When you start out as a beginning programmer, or you try to read code in a new language, it all looks equally inscrutable. Until you understand the programming language itself, you can’t even see obvious syntactic errors.

During the first phase of learning, you start to recognize the things that we usually refer to as “coding style.” So you start to notice code that doesn’t conform to indentation standards and Oddly-Capitalized variables.

It’s at this point you typically say, “Blistering Barnacles, we’ve got to get some consistent coding conventions around here!”, and you spend the next day writing up coding conventions for your team, and the next six days arguing about the One True Brace Style, and the next three weeks rewriting old code to conform to the One True Brace Style, until a manager catches you and screams at you for wasting time on something that can never make money, and you decide that it’s not really a bad thing to only reformat code when you revisit it, so you have about half of a True Brace Style, and pretty soon you forget all about that, and then you can start obsessing about something else irrelevant to making money like replacing one kind of string class with another kind of string class.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Making Wrong Code Look Wrong

Joel on Software - Perfectionism

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Perfectionism

If I was as much of a perfectionist as some here would have me be, I would never get out the door in the morning, I’d be so busy scrubbing the floors of my apartment until they sparkle and shaving every ten minutes and removing lint from my clothing with masking tape, and by the time I finished that I’d have to shave again and take out the trash because there was masking tape in the trash and re-scrub the floor because when I took the trash out I might have tracked in dust. And then I’d have to shave again.

I could go insane with the web page behind the discussion board. First I could make it 110% xhtml 1.1 + CSS. Heck, why not xhtml 2.0 just to be extra addictive-personality-disordered. Then I could neatly format all the html code so it’s perfectly indented. But the html is generated by a script, and the script has to be indented correctly so that it’s perfect too, and a correctly indented ASP script does not, by defintion, produce correctly indented HTML. So I could write a filter that takes the output of the ASP script and reindents it so that if anybody does a View Source they would see neatly indented HTML and think I have great attention to detail. Then I would start to obsess about all the wasted bandwidth caused by meaningless whitespace in the HTML file, and I’d go back and forth in circles between compressed HTML and nicely laid out HTML, pausing only to shave.

I could spend the rest of my life perfecting the HTML behind every page on all of our sites, or I could do something that might actually benefit someone.

Perfectionism is a very dangerous quality in business and in life, because by being perfectionist about one thing you are, by definition, neglecting another. The three days I spent insuring that all icons in CityDesk 3.0 are displayed with perfect alpha-blended effects came at the price of having a web site where the descender of the “g” is not a hyperlink. And both are at the price of working on my next book, or writing another article for Joel on Software, or making CityDesk publish really big sites faster.

If you’re noticing a recurring theme, it’s that I never like to talk about whether or not to do X. The question should never be “X, yes or no?” As long as you have limited time and resources, you always have to look at the cost and the benefit of X. Questions should be “Is X worth the time” or “Will X or Y have a greater return on investment?”

Author Joel Spolsky
Work News for 22-April-2004

Joel on Software - Sesame Seeds

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In one of Gerald Weinberg’s books, probably The Secrets of Consulting, there’s the apocryphal story of the giant multinational hamburger chain where some bright MBA figured out that eliminating just three sesame seeds from a sesame-seed bun would be completely unnoticeable by anyone yet would save the company $126,000 per year. So they do it, and time passes, and another bushy-tailed MBA comes along, and does another study, and concludes that removing another five sesame seeds wouldn’t hurt either, and would save even more money, and so on and so forth, every year or two, the new management trainee looking for ways to save money proposes removing a sesame seed or two, until eventually, they’re shipping hamburger buns with exactly three sesame seeds artfully arranged in a triangle, and nobody buys their hamburgers any more.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work There’s no place like 127.0.0.1

Joel on Software - Learn how to write

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Would Linux have succeeded if Linus Torvalds hadn’t evangelized it? As brilliant a hacker as he is, it was Linus’s ability to convey his ideas in written English via email and mailing lists that made Linux attract a worldwide brigade of volunteers.

Have you heard of the latest fad, Extreme Programming? Well, without getting into what I think about XP, the reason you’ve heard of it is because it is being promoted by people who are very gifted writers and speakers.

Even on the small scale, when you look at any programming organization, the programmers with the most power and influence are the ones who can write and speak in English clearly, convincingly, and comfortably. Also it helps to be tall, but you can’t do anything about that.

The difference between a tolerable programmer and a great programmer is not how many programming languages they know, and it’s not whether they prefer Python or Java. It’s whether they can communicate their ideas. By persuading other people, they get leverage. By writing clear comments and technical specs, they let other programmers understand their code, which means other programmers can use and work with their code instead of rewriting it. Absent this, their code is worthless. By writing clear technical documentation for end users, they allow people to figure out what their code is supposed to do, which is the only way those users can see the value in their code. There’s a lot of wonderful, useful code buried on sourceforge somewhere that nobody uses because it was created by programmers who don’t write very well (or don’t write at all), and so nobody knows what they’ve done and their brilliant code languishes.

I won’t hire a programmer unless they can write, and write well, in English. If you can write, wherever you get hired, you’ll soon find that you’re getting asked to write the specifications and that means you’re already leveraging your influence and getting noticed by management.

Most colleges designate certain classes as “writing intensive,” meaning, you have to write an awful lot to pass them. Look for those classes and take them! Seek out classes in any field that have weekly or daily written assignments.

Start a journal or weblog. The more you write, the easier it will be, and the easier it is to write, the more you’ll write, in a virtuous circle.

Author Joel Spolsky
Work Advice for Computer Science College Students

Nadav Har’El Signatures - Fortunes Cookies - Shlomi Fish’s Collection

"A mathematician is a device for turning

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"A mathematician is a device for turning
coffee into theorems" -- P. Erdos

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"A witty saying proves nothing." --

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"A witty saying proves nothing." --
Voltaire

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"Arguing with nyh just doesn't pay off."

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"Arguing with nyh just doesn't pay off."
-- Muli Ben-Yehuda, Linux-il list

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"Computers are useless. They can only

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"Computers are useless. They can only
give you answers." -- Pablo Picasso

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a

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"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a
couple of mistakes."

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"Do you want to restart Windows now or

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"Do you want to restart Windows now or
wait for the next crash?"

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"God is dead." - Nietzsche; "Nietzsche is

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"God is dead." - Nietzsche; "Nietzsche is
dead" - God

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"How could we possibly use sex to get

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"How could we possibly use sex to get
what we want? Sex IS what we want!" Fraser

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"I don't use drugs, my dreams are

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"I don't use drugs, my dreams are
frightening enough." -- M. C. Escher

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"I'll doublecross that bridge when I come

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"I'll doublecross that bridge when I come
to it" (a politician about the future)

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"Luck is when preparation meets

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"Luck is when preparation meets
opportunity." - Richard Sherman

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"Mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well,

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"Mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well,
tell him we don't want any!"- Groucho Marx

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"Never be afraid to tell the world who

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"Never be afraid to tell the world who
you are." -- Anonymous

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"Outlook not so good." Wow! That magic 8-

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"Outlook not so good." Wow! That magic 8-
ball knows everything! So, what about IE?

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"There is no system but GNU, and Linux is

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"There is no system but GNU, and Linux is
one of its kernels" -- Richard Stallman

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

"[I'm] so full of action, my name should

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"[I'm] so full of action, my name should
be a verb" -- Big Daddy Kane ("Raw", 1987)

        -- One of Nadav Har’El's Email Signatures.
Author Nadav Har’El
Work Nadav Har’El’s E-mail Signature Quotes

(On the back of a VW Beetle) Don't honk,

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(On the back of a VW Beetle) Do