Quotes from Friends - (Fortunes Cookies) - Shlomi Fish's Collection

Phoebe: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.

Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.

Phoebe: Um-hum.

Joey: This man is my God.

Chandler: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.

Joey: Karen.

Chandler: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.

Joey: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man.

Chandler: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah, the rogue processor who seduces his co-workers' wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.

Joey: Really?

Chandler: No freakshow, she's fictional.

Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

Rachel: Let me tell you something. As a woman there, is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.

Duncan [Phoebe's Husband]: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.

Phoebe: Huuh.

Duncan: Yeah, I know, I.

Phoebe: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.

Duncan: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.

Phoebe: So how long have you known?

Duncan: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in.

Phoebe: And um, and there's actually a, a woman?

Duncan: Her name's Debra.

Phoebe: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?

Duncan: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.

Phoebe: Sure.

Duncan: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way.

Phoebe: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'

Rachel: Oh my God,

Phoebe: I know.

Rachel: Why have I never tasted these before?

Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies.

Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, [hands him a lasagna] but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.

Paolo: Grazie.

Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don't wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know 'You're the reason, you are the reason why their not together.' and I hated that guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.

Monica: I feel terrible, I really do.

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

Joey: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all…stop lastin'.

Phoebe: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.

Producer: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.

Phoebe: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go.

Ross: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones.

Phoebe: Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.

Rachel: What happened?

Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just… I hate that guy!

Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?

Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just…I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

Erica: [= Joey's looney fan] Drake, what're you getting at?

Joey: I'm not Drake.

Ross: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.

Erica: Is this true?

Racehl: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]

Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]

Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]

Rachel: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens [in the show].

Joey: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.

Rachel: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?

Monica: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.

Ross: I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.

Joey: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?

Chandler: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that.

Joey: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.

ROSS: See what? I don't know what she [=Rachel] sees in… innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like… like… I don't know, uhh… uhhh, hello… a… week, to get out a sentence.

Monica: Rachel you have to read this book. It's called "Be Your Own Windkeeper". It's about how women need to become more empowered.

Phoebe: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it.

Rachel: Men just take out wind?

Phoebe: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers.

Rachel: Wow.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit.

Phoebe: Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]

Ernie [in the videotape]: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.

Phoebe: [to Ben] Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

Chandler: You're just, you're just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.

Richard: Uh-huh, yeah.

Chandler: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.

Richard: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.

Monica: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.

Phoebe: Sure.

Monica: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do?

Phoebe: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.

Phoebe: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?

Joey: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'

Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you?

Phoebe: Wow, it's like a dirty math problem.

Chandeler: All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.

Monica: Yeah. You!

Chandler: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?

Phoebe: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.

Phoebe: What?

Monica: We were shopping, and we had lunch.

Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?

Monica: You had a salad.

Phoebe: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.

Rachel: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?

Phoebe: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him.

Monica: Why?

Phoebe: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a _pharm_-acist.

Erica: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?

Joey: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage.

Phoebe: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.

Phoebe: [singing]
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that's how we get hamburgers.
+++: Nooowww, chickens!

Joey: Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

Erica: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?

Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!

ALL: Good luck!

Chandler: [to nurse] Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?

Ross: [to Ben] I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.

Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you.

Susan: Thanks.

Monica: So we're back on?

Carol: We're back on.

Monica: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes.

Phoebe: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.

Mr. Adelman: You're saying, my wife is in you?

Phoebe: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around?

Mr. Adelman: Well, I don't know what to tell you, Dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.

Phoebe: Everything?

Mr. Adelman: Everything.

Phoebe: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.

Mr. Adelman: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.

Rachel: Hey, Mom? Having fun?

Mrs Green: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.

Susan: You wanna dance?

Ross: No, that's fine.

Susan: Come on. I'll let you lead.

Ross: Ok.

Ross: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?

Monica: You wanna be in charge of the food committee?

Ross: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?

Joey: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.

Monica: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.

Mrs. Greene: You thought I was Rachel?

Chandler: Yes because uh, you look so young.

Phoebe: And because you're both, you know, white women.

Phoebe: Listen if you wanna go, just go.

Gunter: No, she'll yell at me again.

Phoebe: Alright, I can get you out.

Gunter: What?

Phoebe: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.

Phoebe: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute.

Girl 1: What about my friend Victor?

Phoebe: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious.

Girl 1: Alright, let me just get my coat.

Phoebe: There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door.

Girl 1: Is it true they have beer?

Phoebe: Everything you've heard is true.

Ross: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery ….game?

Mr. Greene: It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today.

Ross: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.

Monica: Ok everybody, it's time for flan.

Chandler: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.

Joey: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.

Monica: Ok, that's enough.

Phoebe: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish.

Rachel: Ok, I've got one.

Rachel: Wow, those things almost never come true.

Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest…And bigger boobs!

Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine.

Chandler: Phoebs, play with meeee.

Phoebe: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.

Chandler: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.

Ryan: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.

Phoebe: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now.

Joey: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.

Chandler: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.

Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!

Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.

Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'

Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!

Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.

Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

Chandler: Thank you, buddy.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see those really beautiful women with those really nothing guys. You could be one of those guys!

Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?

Ross: No, of course not! [Thinks] …Yeah, yeah, it is.

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?

Joey: I couldn't do it.

Monica: Good for you, Joey.

Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them… They still say you're a great boss.

Chandler: They do?

Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.

Chandler: I just want to--

Phoebe: No, but you can't.

Chandler: But I just wa--

Phoebe: Uh uh.

Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.

Chandler: You think I should?

Phoebe: I really do, yeah.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I, I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.

Chandler: And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?

Monica: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.

All: What?

Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?

Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.

Monica: I am 26.

Phoebe: There you go.

Chandler: You're okay there?

Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was in somebody else's subconscious.

Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.

Ross: Is there somebody else?

Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.

Rachel: We didn't change..

Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?

Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- [chews her hair]

Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending-

Joey: Okay!

Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!

Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were.

Monica: I'm sorry..

Chandler: [Sarcastic] Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!

Rachel: [Tearful] I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-

Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.

ALL: Oh, yeah! Right!

Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay?

Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.

Monica: [dubious] I understand.

Monica [on the phone]: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers… Chicken and potatoes… What am I wearing?… Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.

Joey: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over.

Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that… that's not why we bought the ticket.

Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic… basically just trying to stay awake.

Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Joey: [Pause]….Are we still talking about sex?

Rachel: You're twins?

Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, career driven type.

Chandler: What does she do?

Phoebe: She's a waitress.

Phoebe: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.

Joey: No, inside good, outside bad.

Monica: Alright, but I'm very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.

Ross: Oh, I promise, what.

Monica: It's Richard Burke.

Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why? Why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother… to dad.

Rachel: Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp.

Chandler: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.

Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.

Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.

Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her… uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like… I was able to appreciate it on another level.

Chandler: I didn't know you had another level.

Joey: I know! Neither did I!

Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, from who?

Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.

Rachel: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.

Chandler: Well, actually just one birthday flan.

Rachel: What?

Chandler: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert…Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.

Rachel: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while.

Ross: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers?

Rachel: Uhh, let's just stay clear of "I'm the guy that's doing you daughter" and you should be ok.

Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games…

Monica: So have you called her yet?

Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? [To the guys] I'm right, right?

Joey & Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.

Monica: I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people.

Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!

Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?

Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff.

Joey: I'm takin' Orsula tonight. It's her birthday.

Ross: Whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?

Joey: When's that?

Ross: Tonight.

Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?

Ross: You take your time.

Chandler: [Entering with an issue of Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.

Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did.

Mr. Geller: Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time.

Ross: Mon, Mon, are you OK?

Monica: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: Well, I just caught the live show.

Joey: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.

Chandler: Alright, so what's it about?

Joey: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?

Chandler: Well I like both eggs equally.

Joey: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.

Chandler: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?

Amber: I want you Drake.

Dr. Remore: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.

Amber: What?

Dr. Remore: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half-brother.

Rachel: So what happens next?

Joey: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.

Chandler: God, that is good TV.

Joey: Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.

Chandler: That's not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!

Ross: Anyway. That's when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again.

Monica: Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it's been twelve years.

Ross: Can I see you for a second?

Monica: [shouting] Once!!

Ross: All right, we're gonna play.

Chandler: But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won't let me cross the street.

Rachel: We should definetly play football more often. Maybe there's like a league we could join or something.

Phoebe: Isn't there a national football league?

Chandler: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights.

Rachel: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights.

Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.

Rachel: Phoebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.

Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.

Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?

Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.

Rachel: Or?

Phoebe: Or…or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.

Monica: Burning's good.

Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.

Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.

Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn: "Janice! Janice!". You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.

Chandler: Call me!

Frank Jr.: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, 'cause we had all those great talks y'know.

Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?

Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes…

Phoebe: I don't….

Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt.

Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm.

Monica: So, Chandler, who's on your list?

Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.

Rachel: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and way out of your league?

Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.

Monica (voiceover): If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them… But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! …I need help! [Buries her head in her pillow]

Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would - would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush…But I'm not gonna do that.

Rachel: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.

Ross: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.

Rachel: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, you know, meaningless animal sex.

Rachel: Ok, you know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.

Phoebe: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.

Chandler: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.

Rachel: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our children's names are gonna be. [watches Ross' expression] You know what our children's names are gonna be.

Ross: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.

Rachel: What was the book?

Ross: The Big Book of Children's Names.

Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did [think Chandler was gay].

Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?

Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman… who also liked her.

Monica: So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? [Digs her elbow into his hand] No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?

Ross: [Pulls his hand away] Okay! Okay. [To Mr. & Mrs. Geller] Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.

Mrs. Geller: [Turns to Monica] And you knew about this?!

Rachel: Okay. [listens] Okay, daddy we'll see you tomorrow night. [listens] Okay bye-bye. [hangs up]

Ross: We?

Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that's okay.

Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.

Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the "Mattress King"?

Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don't say anything to Chandler.

Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?

Phoebe: Is that a problem?

Joey: No.