Yeah, so I said, “OK, relax please,” y’know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y’know, it’s, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that’s fine too. So after a looooot of talking… I convinced him. Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea. Um-hum. This man is my God. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Alright, okay, alright. So I can’t fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife. Karen? Yeah, Karen. I’m thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did. Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man. Oh well it’s not me, it’s my character, Chandy. Yeah, the rogue processor who seduces his co-workers’ wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer. Really? No freak-show, she’s fictional. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It’s just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Sounds like a date to me. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Let me tell you something. As a woman there, is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oh God, I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m straight. Huh. Yeah, I know, I. I, I don’t, I don’t understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you’re, you’re so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties. I know, that’s what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can’t live a lie any more. So how long have you known? Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I thought I was supposed to be something else, you know, I’m an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin’ to fit in. And um, and there’s actually a, a woman? Her name’s Debra. Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you’ve been with? Well, I’ve never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I’d get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college. Sure. But now I know I don’t have a choice about this, I was born this way. I, I don’t know what to say. I mean, you know, you’re married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, “Oh, I’m not gay.” David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oh my God, I know. Why have I never tasted these before? Oh, I don’t make them a lot because I don’t think it’s fair to the other cookies. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, hands him a Lasagna but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles. Grazie. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I think you should go back with Gary. I don’t wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y’know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y’know “You’re the reason, you are the reason why they’re not together.” and I hated that guy. And it didn’t matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I feel terrible, I really do. Oh, I’m sorry, did my back hurt your knife? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all…stop lastin’. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) OK. singing Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it’s not your fault OK, sorry. I’m just, I’m just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat actually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat. Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It’s just that it’s costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here. Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let’s go. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger. … What happened? I don’t know, I mean, he’s a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it’s just… I hate that guy! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) You uh, you don’t believe in gravity? Well, it’s not so much that you know, like I don’t believe in it, you know, it’s just…I don’t know, lately I get the feeling that I’m not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) = Joey’s loony fan Drake, what’re you getting at? I’m not Drake. That’s right, he’s not Drake, he’s Hans Remore, Drake’s evil twin. Is this true? Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. throws water in his face And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn’t. throws water in his face And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. throws water in his face David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens in the show. Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out. Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina? Rachel, it’s a world where Joey is a neurosurgeon. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I don’t know, I don’t get, I don’t get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I’m takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin’ down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me? OK, well that’s the part where I’m a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn’t focus on that. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) See what? I don’t know what she =Rachel sees in… in that goober. And it takes him, what? Like… like… I don’t know, uh… uh, hello… a… week, to get out a sentence. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Rachel you have to read this book. It’s called “Be Your Own Wind-keeper”. It’s about how women need to become more empowered. Yeah and oh, and but there’s, there’s wind and the wind can make us goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it. Men just take out wind? Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers. Wow. Yeah. Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can’t find him. Now, I’ve looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, okay, before that happens, there’s some pretty rough goin’ for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there’s just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Okay, here we go. starts the tape again Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost. to Ben Oh, I’m so glad you’re here. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) You’re just, you’re just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal. Uh-huh, yeah. No no, seriously, Joey’s my dad, Monica’s my dad. I’ve even got some dads down at work. That’s fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I’ll just see you kids around. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don’t wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them. Sure. It’s just that he doesn’t have that much free time, ya know, and I don’t know, what do I do? Does it matter? You’re ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines? Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, “If we don’t get this woman to a hospital, she’s going to die.” But I made it, “If this woman doesn’t get to a hospital, she’s not gonna live.” David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you? Wow, it’s like a dirty math problem. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) All right, let’s get some perspective here, okay? These things, they happen for a reason. Yeah. You! All right, Pheebs, back me up here, okay? You believe in that karma crap, don’t you? Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day. What? We were shopping, and we had lunch. Oh, all right. What did I have? You had a salad. Oh, no wonder I don’t feel full. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay, so uh, who wants the last hamburger? Oh, alright, that’s it, now I have to go see him. Why? Hamburger. McDonald’s. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharm-acist. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I don’t understand, why didn’t you help that man? Uh, cause, uh, I’m a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Today we’re gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. singing
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that’s how we get hamburgers.
+++: Nooowww, chickens! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I’m not even a doctor, I’m an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor. Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) All right, all right, there’s a few too many people in this room, and there’s about to be one more, so anybody who’s not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go! Good luck! to nurse Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol’s lesbian life partner? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) to Ben I know, I know. Everybody, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody. Susan, he looks just like you. Thanks. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) So we’re back on? We’re back on. You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can’t believe I lost 2 minutes. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I don’t know how to say this, but I think when your wife’s spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me. You’re saying, my wife is in you? Yeah. Okay, you don’t have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she’d be hanging around? Well, I don’t know what to tell you, Dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything. Everything? Everything. Whoa, that’s a lot of stuff. Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) At Carol & Susan’s lesbian wedding Hey, Mom? Having fun? Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I’m not saying it’s something I wanna pursue, but it’s nice to know I have options. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) You wanna dance? No, that’s fine. Come on. I’ll let you lead. Okay. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things? You wanna be in charge of the food committee? Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees? Really. Why can’t we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun? Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you’re fancy on the inside and I’m just not sure we are. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren’t ready for you yet. You thought I was Rachel? Yes because uh, you look so young. And because you’re both, you know, white women. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Listen if you wanna go, just go. No, she’ll yell at me again. Alright, I can get you out. What? Shh. In a minute, I’m gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don’t look back. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) At Rachel’s double birthday party Okay, okay, she’s taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she’ll be back any minute. What about my friend Victor? No, only the three of you, any more than that and she’ll get suspicious. Alright, let me just get my coat. There isn’t time. You must leave everything. They’ll take care of you next door. Is it true they have beer? Everything you’ve heard is true. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how’s everything in the uh, vascular surgery ….game? It’s not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today. I’m sorry. See that’s the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay everybody, it’s time for flan. Yup, get ready for the gelatinous fun. Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection. Okay, that’s enough. Okay Rachel, make a special flan wish. Okay, I’ve got one. blows out the candles. Somebody calls out “heads up” and the volleyball lands in the flan Wow, those things almost never come true. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest…And bigger boobs! Yeah, see.. you took mine. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Phoebs, play with meeee. No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation. Ya know Phoebs, don’t feel so bad for ’em. After they’re done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face. Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn’t have them now. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Well, see when you’re acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does. Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) She’s amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men! Well, go over to her! She’s not with anyone. Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? “Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.” Oh, c’mon. She’s a person, you can do it! Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here. He could never get a woman like that in a million years. Thank you, buddy. Oh, oh, but y’know, you always see those really beautiful women with those really nothing guys. You could be one of those guys! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Well, y’know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy’s fantasy! Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy? No, of course not! Thinks …Yeah, yeah, it is. What? So you guys don’t mind going out with someone else who’s going out with someone else? I couldn’t do it. Good for you, Joey. When I’m with a woman, I need to know that I’m going out with more people than she is. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Well, you know what Chandler? I think you’ve gotta face it. You’re like, the guy in the big office, you know. You’re the one that hires them, that fires them… They still say you’re a great boss. They do? Uh huh. But they’re not your friends any more. I just want to-- No, but you can’t. But I just wa-- Uh uh. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are. You think I should? I really do, yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, but, could we not go together? I, I don’t wanna be the geek that invited the boss. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) And this man-child has no problem with how old you are? No, of course not. It’s not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22. What? Oh, I can’t pass for 22? Well, maybe 25-26. I am 26. There you go. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) You’re okay there? I can’t believe you two had sex in her dream. I’m sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was in somebody else’s subconscious. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay. It’s, it’s about Alan. There’s something that you should know. I mean, there’s really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I’ve decided to break up with Alan. Is there somebody else? No, nononono… it’s just… things change. People change. We didn’t change! So that’s it? It’s over? Just like that? You know… you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- chews her hair Look, I- I could go on pretending- Okay! -but that wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Alan- It wouldn’t be fair to you! Who-who wants fair? Y’know, I just want things back. Y’know, the way they were. I’m sorry.. Sarcastic Oh, she’s sorry! I feel better! Tearful I just can’t believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family- I’ll meet someone else. There’ll be other Alans. Oh, yeah! Right! Are you guys gonna be okay? Hey hey, we’ll be fine. We’re just gonna need a little time. dubious I understand. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we’ve got leftovers… Chicken and potatoes… What am I wearing?… Actually, nothing but rubber gloves. Chandler and Joey come sprinting in Ya know, one of these times you’re gonna really be naked and we’re not gonna come over. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y’know? I mean it’s like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Yeah, and-and it’s not that we don’t like the comedian, it’s that-that… that’s not why we bought the ticket. The problem is, though, after the concert’s over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y’know? I mean, we’re in the car, we’re fighting traffic… basically just trying to stay awake. Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you’re gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Pause….Are we still talking about sex? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) You’re twins? Yeah. We don’t speak. She’s like this high-powered, career driven type. What does she do? She’s a waitress. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Joey and Chandler are watching T.V. You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people. No, inside good, outside bad. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Alright, but I’m very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won’t get all big-brothery and judgmental. Oh, I promise, what. It’s Richard Burke. Who’s Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why? Why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he’s like a uh, brother… to dad. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Rachel dashes into the café, excited. Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp. Okay, I think she’s trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) He’s right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food. Course there, they just call it food. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) It was amazing! And not just for her… uh-uh. For me, too. It’s like, all of a sudden, I’m blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y’know? It’s like… I was able to appreciate it on another level. I didn’t know you had another level. I know! Neither did I! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hey, great skirt! Birthday present? Yeah. Oh, from who? From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Well, I have to be, I don’t really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes. Well, actually just one birthday flan. What? It’s a traditional Mexican custard dessert…Look talk to Monica, she’s on the food committee. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I’m gonna go talk to mom for a while. Okay, do you have any ideas for any openers? Uh, let’s just stay clear of “I’m the guy that’s doing your daughter” and you should be okay. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn’t have to play any games… So have you called her yet? Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? It’s the next day! How needy do I want to seem? To the guys I’m right, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle. I can’t believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people. Oh, God, just do it! Call her! Stop being so testosteroney! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive? Well, only if you order stuff. I’m takin’ Ursula tonight. It’s her birthday. Whoa. What about Phoebe’s birthday? When’s that? Tonight. Oh, man. What’re the odds of that happening? You take your time. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Entering with an issue of Cosmo All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam’s nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Mon, Mon, are you OK? You remember that video I found of mom and dad? Yeah. Well, I just caught the live show. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hey, this isn’t about juice any more, alright man. Alright, so what’s it about? Eggs. Who’s eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh? Well I like both eggs equally. Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which. Well what’s the difference? Your eggs aren’t here any more, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) on “The Days of our Lives”: I want you Drake. I know you do but you and I can never be together that way. What? There’s something I never told you Amber. I’m actually your half-brother. Everyone gasps. The show ends. So what happens next? Well, I get the medical award for separating the Siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that’s where I find the world’s biggest emerald. It’s really big but it’s cursed. God, that is good TV. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up. That’s not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say that I don’t have goals! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Anyway. That’s when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again. Y’know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it’s been twelve years. Can I see you for a second? They walk over to the sink and discuss it for a moment shouting Once!! All right, we’re gonna play. But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won’t let me cross the street. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) We should definitely play football more often. Maybe there’s like a league we could join or something. Isn’t there a national football league? Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights. Oh shoot! I work Monday nights. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual. Phoebes, this woman is voluntarily bald. Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s perfect. Okay, well, what kind of ritual? Okay. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us. Or? Or…or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks. Burning’s good. Burning’s good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I’m just sayin’ if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn’t just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn: “Janice! Janice!”. You want me. You need me. You can’t live without me. And you know it. You just don’t know you know it. See ya. She kisses him passionately,then leaves. Call me! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn’t perfect, but y’know it was pretty cool, y’know, cause we had all those great talks y’know. Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you? Well y’know about the tongue thing, y’know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes… I don’t…. How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn’t melt. Right, okay, um-mm. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) So, Chandler, who’s on your list? Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit. Now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon, and way out of your league? I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Monica is in her bed but can’t fall asleep If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don’t do this. This is stupid! I don’t have to prove anything, I’m gonna go get them… But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! …I need help! Buries her head in her pillow David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y’know, the-the old Monica would - would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush…But I’m not gonna do that. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo. Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini. Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c’mon, I’m so much happier with you than I ever was with him. Really? Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, you know, meaningless animal sex. Realizing what she just said. Okay, you know, that sounded soooo much better in my head. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I can’t believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up. Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Yes, but I, I think about who’s apartment we’re gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we’re gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our children’s names are gonna be. watches Ross’ expression You know what our children’s names are gonna be. No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good. What was the book? The Big Book of Children’s Names. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y’know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did think Chandler was gay. You’re kidding! Did you tell her I wasn’t? No. No, it’s just cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman… who also liked her. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) So, Ross, what’s going on with you? Any stories? Digs her elbow into his hand No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks? Pulls his hand away Okay! Okay. To Mr. & Mrs. Geller Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here’s the deal. Carol’s a lesbian. She’s living with a woman named Susan. She’s pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby. Stunned silence Turns to Monica And you knew about this?! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Rachel is on the phone Okay. listens Okay, daddy we’ll see you tomorrow night. listens Okay bye-bye. hangs up We? Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that’s okay. Oh shoot, tomorrow’s not so good, I’m supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hey, Monica bought a bed from the “Mattress King”? Yeah, so please, please, please, don’t say anything to Chandler. You want me to lie to Chandler? Is that a problem? No. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) You know what’s really good here, the lobster. What do you say - shall I just order three? Yeah, if you’re really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke. Yeah. Actually, Daddy, Ross is allergic to lobster. What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library. It’s not a library… interrupting him I know!! It’s a museum! What, you’re the only one around here who can make a joke? At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I’ve never been able to cry as an actor, so if I’m in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. O Bleethr ah, or, let’s say I wanna convey that I’ve just done something evil. That would be the basic “I have a fish-hook in my eyebrow and I like it”. Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fish-hook. Okay, let’s say I’ve just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. looks all confused And that’s how it’s done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I’m, I’m freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn’t have! All right, I haven’t lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something: does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom? Um. yeah. I am soooo dead. goes to Monica’s room David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn’t work. Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that’s why you have got to be the bigger man here. Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn’t make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say “Like me! Like me tiny doctor!” David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) What? It’s true, my right leg is two inches shorter. Come on! You’re just titling! to Ross Her legs are fine! I know that! So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for? I’m sorry, let her? What can I do, she doesn’t listen to me about renter’s insurance either. Wait a minute, you don’t have renter’s insurance?! No. Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees. Have fun. Oh wait, no, don’t! I forgot I am totally against that now. What? Me having a job? No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. to Joey Hey, how do you sleep at night? Well, I’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy. Really? Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically motions to Chandler to help him out. Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it’s the only chance to see New York. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hi, I’m selling Brown Bird cookies. You’re no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peep-hole. No, hi, I’m, I’m an honorary Brown Bird does the Brown Bird salute. What does that mean? Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I’m not invited to sleep-overs. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you’ve got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear. The fear? He’s right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want. Well then how come you’re still at a job that you hate, I mean why don’t you quit and get `the fear’? Chandler and Joey both laugh Because, I’m too afraid. I don’t know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer, you know, or a buyer…. Oh, I just don’t want to be 30 and still work here. Yeah, that’d be much worse than being 28, and still working here. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) entering Okay, stop what you’re doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers….. Well hey, who did these resumes for ya? Me! On my computer. Well you sure used a large font. Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) At the Brown Bird meeting to the girl sitting next to him Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you sell? I’m not gonna tell you! You’re the bad man who broke Sarah’s leg. Hey now! That was an accident, okay. You’re a big scrud. What’s a scrud? Why don’t you look in the mirror, scrud. I don’t have to. I can just look at you. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason? Uh-huh! And he’s, he’s a total stranger? Yeah! His name is um, Mark something. Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex. What!? Well, I’m just saying, I mean why else would he just, y’know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason. To be nice. Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason? No, only for sex. Thank you. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Chandler enters hungover and groaning How ya feelin’? Well, my apartment isn’t there any more, because I drank it. Where’d you get to? We lost you after you opened up all the presents. Yeah. Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone. Woooo hoooo!!! Ow, no “woo-hooing,” no “woo-hooing.” Why, what happened? Ah, I fooled around with Joey’s sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, that’s not the worst part. What is the worse part? I can’t remember which sister. To Rachel You see what men do! Don’t tell me men are nice! points to Chandler This is men!! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Some knocking is heard from the ceiling Ah, somebody’s at the door on the ceiling. Noo, that’s our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor. He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything. Why don’t you go up there and ask him to “step lightly, please?” I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I’m hurt! I’m actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt! All right Ross!! I get it!! I mean my God… You’re hurt! …can’t, can’t a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend’s office anymorrrrre!! Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk! I would never do that. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) All right fine, don’t do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he’s being Mr. Joe Sensitive,and she starts thinking “Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.” And before you know it, she’s with him. And you’ll be all, “Oh, man!” And he’ll be all, “Yes!” And us, we’ll be like, “Wh-whoa, dude.” And pretty soon you’ll be like, sadly “Hhiii,” and, and, and, “I can’t go, Rachel and Mark might be there.” And we’ll be like, “Man get over it, it’s been four years!!” He paints quite a picture doesn’t he? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) (coming over) The game is over, we eat now? No-no-no-no, the game’s not over, we’re just switching teams. Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimidating that it’s better if we’re on the same team. Right. Okay, let’s play. Let’s go. No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from? Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania. And the other ah, Dutch people, they come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right? Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from. Oh, my. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic Ross’ Monkey, Marcel is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal? Oh my God. You’d put that poor little creature in jail? Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Yes, but there isn’t always time! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Alright, I want my monkey. No! Oh, c’mon, Luisa! Sorry, prom queen. To Rachel You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn’t have been fat. Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you… were also there! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hi. Hey. to Phoebe Look at you. Since when do you roller blade? Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like y’know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y’know we made a deal that’s he’s going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff. And what are you going to do for him? I’m going to let him. Okay. Cool. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining? Oh, Danny just went into room 217. Ooh, the next part’s the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub… Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you’re gonna ruin it! All right I’ll talk in code. (to Ross and Chandler) Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway? Hmmm, that’s very cool. Oh, all blank, and no blank, makes blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aw! Joey! I can’t believe you just did that! I can’t believe she cracked your code! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) These little women. Wow! Your liking it, huh? Oh yeah! Amy just burned Jo’s manuscript. I don’t see how he could ever forgive her. Um, Jo’s a girl, it’s short for Josephine. But Jo’s got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods his head) Oh. You mean it’s like a girl-girl thing? Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining. No, actually Laurie’s a boy. No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) (to Monica) Hey, how much will you give me to eat this whole jar of olives? I won’t give you anything, but you’ll owe me 2.95. Done. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) So Pheebs what’s this guy like? Um, well he’s very dashing, y’know, and um, very, very sophisticated, and he doesn’t speak any English, but according to his translator, he totally gets me. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) (entering) Hey, does anybody need anything copied? I’m going down to the Xerox place. Oh, no thanks. Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two of. Well, if you don’t have anything to copy, why are you going down there? Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring again? Yeah! You wanna come? Yeah! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) So you had fun, huh? Yeah. Except for, y’know when you’re on a date and you’re getting along really great but the guy’s translator keeps getting in the way. No. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hey, y’know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we should be there? Uh, 10:30. What time is it now? 4:30. Yeah all right, so we’ll hang out. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) You had no right coming down to my office, Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody’s work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) seeing Ross enter Hey, it’s the dinosaur guy. runs over to Ross Hi, Ross. Oh, hi Chloe. I want you to met some friends of mine. Introduces him to Chandler and Joey This guy is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we said we don’t do that, and he says you gotta. And y’know what? we did it. And now any time anybody wants 400, we just say “let’s Ross it!”. And that’s the only colour that comes in. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oh, and I can also speak a little French. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Mischa laughs Why? What did I say? Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Monica, can I talk to you behind my menu, please. Behind the menu What are you doing? Well, I was having a conversation. Yeah but, Mischa is so interested in you, that Sergei and I haven’t been able to say two words to each other. What do you want me to do? Just sit here silently while you three have a conversation? That would be great. Thank you. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all right, don’t I have to wait a while? Hey, this isn’t like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!! Ross goes to call her. Y’know that whole swimming thing is a myth. Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny. Why? What happened to him? Nothing, he just really believes in that. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) to Monica And the vet said it was time. And so from half a world away, while my Mother held the phone to his ear, I said good bye to my dog. In seven languages. Oh. to Phoebe Can I have a tissue? Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you don’t accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay, all right don’t judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this infomercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing…. Waxine!! Yes! Have you seen it? Oh, it’s incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl. I know!! God. Do you think it really doesn’t hurt? `Cause how can they do that? Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) You think?! God, I, ah, I’m in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel’s all like, “I love you and, and let’s work on this.” And all I can think about is, “What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?” when I tell her what I did. Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question: how dumb are you? What?! Look, we’re trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other? Look, Ross look, I’m on board about this total honesty thing, I am. Just not about stuff that’s gonna get you in trouble. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Ross, you had sex with another woman! Cut to Monica’s bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp. Oh my God. Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday. Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk… Oh!! hits Chandler and Joey on the head You guys knew about this and you didn’t tell us?! To Joey He has sex, and we get hit on our heads. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!! Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn’t happen! Oh, that is so sweet. I think I’m falling in love with you all over again. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) We could eat the wax! It’s organic. Oh great, food with hair on it. No, not the used wax. Because that would be crazy? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Fine. on the phone Hi! Yes, I’d like to order a large pizza. No anchovies. With ah, extra anchovies. That’s okay, I’ll just pick `em off. Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Y’know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together, they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy…. I had the same dream! Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl. Oh, I had the opposite dream. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Rachel enters. (seeing her) Okay, let’s go!! Let’s hit the road!! Hey! Let’s get the show on it! Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee. Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it’s soooo close. Closer than here? (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey, look, I found coffee! (handing her the cup) Okay, let’s skedaddle. Wait, I’m not just gonna drink somebody’s old coffee. Okay, your highness. Ross enters behind Rachel, and look at each other for a moment. (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um, Rachel I’m really sorry. (imitating Rachel) That’s okay, do you wanna get back together? (imitating Ross) Yeah, okay. (in her normal voice) Did anyone else hear that?! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay, Monica’s are the biggest. These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it’s gotta be Rachel. What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra. All right then, your bra would still be big. No, I stuff outside the bra. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Okay. She puts the car in gear. The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop. Phoebe: Oh, no! What, what’s it, what’s going on? Yeah, this has happened before. So you know how to fix it? Yep. Put more gas in. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Do you at least know what route we’re on? Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27. Okay. on phone We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. to Rachel There is no Route 27. listens on phone to Rachel Okay, either 93 or 76? I don’t know, I’m sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here. Okay. on phone Hey, can you send somebody up and down 76 and check every rest stop, and, and also 93? listens Okay! hangs up Yeah, no they don’t do that. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Joey is making a sign on the ground out of sticks Okay, done. reading the sign What’s “PLEH”? That’s “HELP” spelled backwards, so that the helicopters can read it from the air! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) sarcastic Oh please, can’t I come to your special, magical cabin? Why would you even want to come Ross? You’re a horrible skier. Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts - my ski skills. Here we go again. I-I can’t handle this, you guys. You know what, I can handle it, handle is my middle name. Actually it’s the ah, middle part of my first name. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) All we’re saying is don’t rush into anything. Yeah, come on, think about it. You’re 18, okay? She’s 44. when you’re 36, she’s gonna be 88! What, you don’t think I know that? Look, the point is, there’s a lot of women out there you haven’t even had sex with yet! Yeah, he-he’s right, he’s right. This is your time, y’know. Yeah: you’re young, you’re…you’re weird. Chicks dig that. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) …so y’know, that’s why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y’know, so you could be like-like, “Wash my car!”, “Clean my room!” It’s not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it’ll understand what you’re saying. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) entering, dancing and singing Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! He dances around the dinner table and exits I guess he musta gotten the part in that play. Oh. Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) That infomercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You’re.. you’re.. you’re the guy that doesn’t know how to pour milk!! See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldn’t. Now, see - that’s acting. Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie. Yeah, that was real. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I mean I think I’d say no to anybody right now. Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I’m standing there with this charming, cute guy, who’s asking me to go out with him, which I’m allowed to do, and I felt guilty. You know, like I’d be cheating on Ross or something. Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you’re not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father. I don’t have any issues with my Father. Okay, so it’s probably just the Ross thing then. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where there’s no future? Either they’re too old, or they’re too young, and then there’s Pete who’s… who’s crazy about me, and who’s absolutely perfect for me, and there’s like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like something’s wrong with me?! Yeah, kinda. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, “Oh, I’m so talented.” and “Oh, I’m so pretty,” and “Ooh, I smell so good.” I think somebody has a crush on somebody. Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! You know? I’m talking about you. You big, big freak. Oh. (realises) Oh. Oh, you’re out of your mind. Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you’d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now! Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff, huh?! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) holding a tissue And is this in case the house sneezes? No, no, that’s the ghost for the attic. I don’t want a ghost. Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you’ve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground. Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen. Okay, obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you’re dating. Hey, I’m not interested in her sweater! It’s what’s underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I’m going out with? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Look um, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That’s all it was. Joey, I’m, I’m sorry you feel bad, but haven’t you ever sleep with a woman where it meant more to her than it did to you? Noo. entering Hi, Kate! Hi, Lauren. Hi, Lauren. Hi, pig! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) entering Hey! runs over to her I tried to reach you at work. There’s… been a fire. What?! Oh my… sees the remains of the house Oh my God!! What happened?! Well, we believe it originated here. He uses a pointer and points to the point of origin. In the Aroma Room. All right. Did everyone get out okay? Well, the giraffe’s okay. And so is the pirate. Oh. What is this? She sees a tissue covering something, and moves to remove it. No Phoebe, don’t look! You don’t want to see what’s under there!! She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue. Oh, the - the Foster puppets! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) on phone Well, so anyway Beth, what I’m saying is I should’ve considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I’ve ah, I’ve recently learned what’s it like to be on your side of it, and I’m sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? listens Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again. Hello, Jennifer? listens Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? listens Oh, she’s not home, huh? listens Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Ross enters, wearing a white suit with a little red bow tie Hey, you guys! Guess what? looking at the outfit Got a job on a river boat? Y’know what I didn’t wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You’re not my girlfriend any more so… Oh I see, so this suit is making a point. Right. Now that you’re on you’re own, you’re free to look as stupid as you like. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) All right, listen, I-I have that TV thing in like two hours, and I need your help, okay? What do you think? takes out two suits This blue suit, or this brown one? Well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great in the blue one. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Does it involve travel? Noo! Does it involve clogs? Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws? Clogs. No. Claws?! No. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate! Oh! To Chandler: And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it. Joey, what are you doing?! It’s never gonna happen, she’s seeing somebody. Yeah, and I don’t have any cologne. The green bottle next to the shaving cream. Oh! Worm medicine for the duck. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) So. How’d you guys meet? Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine. Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) entering carrying a newspaper Here we go people! starts reading the review Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la… Ah-ha! Joey Tribbiani, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribbiani is not the worst thing in this production. Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha! Kate Miller’s awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. Kate walks away depressed. Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is… stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust Thank you, boys and girls, you’ve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mother’s crab cakes! Starts to leave Excuse me!! Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him. Anyone mind if I save this? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) After the bad review of the play in the “New York Times”. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We’ll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post. Why the Post? Oh, you didn’t see the Post? No. You? No. Why? David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Well so, how come you blew me off? Y’know? How come you were with him? I don’t know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the… like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy. Why can’t I just pick someone like you? Thanks. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) So Pheebs, do they know about each other? Does a dog’s lips move when he reads? Pause. Okay, no they don’t. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Pete’s breaking up with me. What?! I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk. And? Well that’s it. People never say “We need to talk” unless it’s something bad. Whoa, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s breaking up with you. Really?! Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) So Pheebs, pick one of them. Yeah. Which one do you like more? Well, Vince is great, y’know cause, he’s like a guy, guy. Y’know? He’s so burly, he’s soooo very burly. (giggles) Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince. Yeah, but Jason’s really sensitive. Well sensitive is important, pick him. Yeah. Oh sure, go with the sissy. Jason is not a sissy! Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He’s not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that’s like a third or fourth date kinda thing. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) You must be Ross. Hi. I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces) Listen, I got to tell you I’ve… I’ve never been to a guru before, so… Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I’ve attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker? No-no-no oh, keep your name, don’t take his name. He didn’t ask me to marry him. Oh. Well then definitely don’t take his name. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Please tell me you’re stopping now. I’m fine! I’d fight tonight, if they’d let me. stands up and starts swinging his arms See this circle I’m marking off here? This is my zone of terror. You are insane! You-you gotta give this up! I can’t until I’m the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I’m telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, I’m not saying I could beat Superman, but y’know, kids are stupid. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Oh, I am having the best karma this week. First, I find this woman who knew my parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house. Yeah? What about ah, that bike messenger you hit? Oh, I wasn’t talking about his karma. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) So I guess you’d like to know how it all happened. I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y’know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off! Noo! No! It wasn’t like that I… Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close. How close? Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of um, a couple. I don’t even know how that would work! Well, we were… (interrupting) I’m not asking! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) All right. gets up stopping him No! Joey, we swore we’d never tell! running over and joining Monica They’ll never understand! Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It’s eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish. interrupting All right!! All right. walks slowly into the living room I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I-I couldn’t walk. following Monica We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn’t think we could make it. He goes to put his hands on Monica’s shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back. I was in too much pain. And I was tired from digging the huge hole! And then Joey remembered something. I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel… Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you… stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?! Ewwww!! You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t…bend that way. So… looks at Joey. turning to look at Joey Ewwww!! That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uh, I couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler. wails loudly into his hands Joey kept screaming at me: “Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!”. Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming. laughs That’s cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter! What?!! I fell asleep! You fell asleep?! It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means “you are,” Y-O-U-R means “your!” Y’know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!! starts to cry FINE BY ME!! he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you’re at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!! Hey!! to Monica Sorry!! to Ross I just feel bad about all that sleep you’re gonna miss wishing you were with me! Oh, no-no-no don’t you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!! And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!! I KNEW IT!!! David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show) Hey-hey, Ross? Yeah. I’ve got a science question. Hmm? If the Homo sapiens, were in fact “Homo-sapien”, is that why they’re extinct? Joey, Homo sapiens are people. Hey-hey, I’m not judging. David Crane & Marta Kauffman Friends (T.V. Show)