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Shlomi Fish's Quotes as Fortunes Cookies

The shlomif Fortune Collection

Table of Contents

The Fortunes Themselves

I don't Believe in Fairies

I don't believe in fairies. Oops! A fairy died.
I don't believe in fairies. Oops! Another fairy died.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

The prefix "God Said"

The prefix "God Said" has the extraordinary logical property of converting any statement that follows it into a true one.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

A Jewish Deduction

A Jewish Deduction

The Bible dictates that "Thou shalt not seethe [= cook] a kid [= young goat] in his mother's milk." To avoid any possibility of breaking that regulation, the Jewish tradition ruled that it also applies to female goats, to mature goats, and to the meat and milk of two completely unrelated goats. It is also forbidden to eat the meat with fresh milk, and it applies to beef and mutten as well (including mixing the milk and meat of two different beasts). Finally, chicken, which are incapable of milk production, may not be eaten along with any mammal's milk either.

We are fortunate that most mathematicians were not Jewish. Otherwise, it would have been forbidden to divide by all numbers between -1 and 1.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Aphorisms Collection

I Used to be Arrogant

I used to be arrogant. Now I'm simply Perfect.

Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Murphy's Law

If the ancient Greeks had invented UNIX, Murphy's Law would have been known as Aristotle's Law.

Had they invented MS-Windows, Murphy's Law would have been known as the Law of Socrates.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Microsoft's Slogan

Microsoft's slogan used to be "Microsoft - making it all make sense."

Today it should be: "Microsoft - making everything make sense. Ours."

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Linux - Because Software Problems...

Linux - Because Software Problems Should not Cost Money.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

The American Lottery

The American Lottery - all you need is a dollar and a dream. We will take the dollar, but you can keep the dream.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"Shit Happens" - 1

"Shit Happens" according to the religions of the world (Deltas by Shlomi Fish)

Judaism: God knows you will do shit, does nothing to prevent it, but makes you take the blame for it anyways.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Shit Happens - 2

"Shit Happens" according to the religions of the world
(Deltas by Shlomi Fish)

Judaism: God is all the shit, all the non-shit and all the intermediate demi-shits in between.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Interpret the Past

Let's interpret the past according to the present and not the present according to the past.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Computer Science and C Programming

"Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes"

Edsgar W. Dijkstra

"Programming Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about stars."

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Sarah Michelle Gellar's Next Movie

[Discussing the shortage of IT workers as of 1998 on E-mail]

Shlomi Fish to Omer Zak: "Even the NSA doesn't have enough programmers. But it is not likely that they will have more and that's because 'Summerschool at the NSA' may might as well be the name of Sarah Michelle Gellar's next movie."

Omer Zak to Shlomi Fish: "And as opposed to 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' it is going to be scary."

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Objective Philosophy…

Objective philosophy is like a pencil sharpener for one's mind.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It" - 1

Oh! I wish you could see the look on his face! Actually, I would have also liked to see the look on his face, but just then I woke up from the dream.

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It"
Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It" - 2

Had I not been already insane, I would have long ago driven myself mad.

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It"
Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight it" - 3

"Except for that, I planned a political simulator that forecast the two World Wars after I entered all the relevant data until the year 1000 AD."

"Do you have a computer at home?"

"Oh no. At present the program is written on a paper. Don't ask how much time it took me to take out all the bugs from it. But it was great fun!"

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight it"
Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight it" - 4

"Likewise." Added the interviewer and said: "Your answers were also very ... unusual."

"Although this description cannot testify on their quality, I take it as a compliment."

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It"
Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight it" - 4

The government of the Supporter will finance your travel, and you will be able to leave tomorrow morning. We would like to inform you of the following facts: we cannot assure your safety during this travel. Furthermore, despite your long service at the Organization and your constructive proposal, we cannot say, wholeheartedly or halfheartedly, that we wish to protect your safety. Likewise, we cannot guarantee that we would not take actions that may harm you, indirectly or in a direct manner.

We hope to see you here very soon.

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It"
Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight it" - 5

"Okay, I think that I can now return to my country and my village. By the way, how many forbidden books do you have?"

"Oh,", one of them said to me, " their number grows up geometrically. When I checked two weeks ago, their number was 2,148,763. A week ago there were 4,278,109 forbidden writings. Now there must be about 8,600,000."

"You are wrong.", I said to him.

"I beg your pardon?"

"There are now exactly 8,517,559 or 8,517,560 forbidden books."

"Why is it so important?"

"Why, it means that meanwhile you have 82,440 or 82,441 extra books you can read at bedtime if you can't fall asleep!"

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It"
Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight it" - 6

"And what is the nature of those activists: Socialists? Communists? Liberals? ... "

"Let's say for simplicity that they are people of my intellect, only that as opposed to me they are sane."

"The Enemy and how I Helped to Fight It"
Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

A more experienced programmer…

A more experienced programmer does not make less bugs. He just realizes what went wrong more quickly.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Microsoft Notepad

BTW, for an editor with no replace feature (at least not on Windows 95), no regular-expression search and replace, no indentation support, no syntax-highlighting and no macros and scriptability features: MS Notepad is one hell of an editor!

"Wonderous are the ways of Microsoft" Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

WYSIWYT - Documentation Improvement

Suggested Improvements to the Documentation:

The WYSIWYT project was for a long time fascinated by Microsoft's tremendous desire to advance its Internet Explorer web-browser. We saw the fact that they switched the help systems of the upcoming Windows 98, as well as Microsoft Visual C++ 5.0, to HTML a major step in advancing our project.

As a complementary step, some of the chief heads of our project suggested that the Windows' manuals themselves, as well as all of Microsoft's ads, will be designed in HTML and printed after being rendered by IE4. While this project is in the preliminary and planning stages, we expect it to acquire a large momentum soon.

"IRPWUG Announces Project 'WYSIWYT'" Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

If A is A and A is not not-A…

If: 1. A is A.
2. A is not not-A.
does it also imply that:
1. B is B.
2. B is not not-B.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

I know I'm blond...

I know I'm blond, but I have to colour my hair brown, so people would not think I'm stupid. Because, like the title of the book says: "You've only got Three Seconds".

Actually, since Amazon sent us two books like that, you've only got six seconds.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"Knuth is not God!" - 1

Knuth is not God! It took him two days to build the Roman Empire.

Shlomi Fish in Hackers-IL message No. 2049

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"Knuth is not God!" - 2

Knuth is not God! God has already released TeX version 4.0.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Taking a Turing Test

>
> Shlomi,
>
> Have you ever considered taking a Turing test? ;-)
>
 
<sarcasm>
Sure I did. I sat at one point of an IRC channel, and someone
tested me. Eventually it was discovered that I am a computer, but it
turned out the other side was an Eliza program. Strangely enough, I could
not detect that the latter fact was true.
</sarcasm>

	Shlomi Fish in Hackers-IL message No. 2465

IGLU Cabal and the Turing Test

There is no IGLU Cabal! None of them could pass the Turing test. But strangely enough a computer program they coded, could.

Shlomi Fish in Hackers-IL message No. 2465

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Hackers-IL message No. 2465

"Knuth is not God!" - 3

Knuth is not God! Google is not God! RMS is not God!

God himself said that was the case.

Shlomi Fish in Hackers-IL message No. 2385

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"Knuth is not God!" - 4

Knuth is not God! Typing "God" into Google and pressing "I'm Feeling Lucky" would not lead you to his homepage.

Shlomi Fish in Hackers-IL message No. 2084 ("The Great WWW-Wisdom Shootout")

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

"Knuth is not God!" - 5

Knuth is not God! Unless you confuse him with Dijkstra.

Shlomi Fish in Hackers-IL message No. 2037

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Patenting the TINIC

(I am patenting issuing a TINIC with anything else but the phrase "There is no IGLU Cabal!". The patent number is kept secret to avoid violating the copyright of its text)

Shlomi Fish in Hackers-IL message No. 2021

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

C++ and Object-Oriented Programming

C++ supports Object-Oriented Programming roughly as much as COBOL supports Functional Programming.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

If it was not Clear

I hope that if it had not been clear before, it isn't less clear now.

Author One of Shlomi Fish's Technion Lecturers

Hi, Sophie!

Jack: Hi, Sophie!

Sophie: Don't "Hi, Sophie!" me.

Jack: Don't "Don't 'Hi, Sophie!' me" me!

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Crazy Opinions

My opinions may seem crazy but they all make sense. Insane sense, but sense nonetheless.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Corollary of Godwyn's Law

Shlomi, I'm considering naming a corollary of Godwyn's law after you - any discussion of anything is over when you mention Freecell Solver.

Muli Ben-Yeuhuda on #kernelnewbies (irc.kernelnewbiews.org)

Muli: BTW, I think that any discussion only begins to gain momentum when I mention Freecell Solver.

Shlomi Fish on #offtopic (irc.kernelnewbies.org)

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Keeping an Idea to Yourself

There's no point in keeping an idea to yourself since there's a 10 to 1 chance that somebody already has it and will share it before you.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

An Apple a Day

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Two apples a day will keep two doctors away.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

You are banished!

"You are banished! You are banished! You are banished! - hey I'm just kidding!"

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Foreign Languages

[Discussing Foreign Languages Knowledge in the U.S.A]

Ben Collins-Sussman: Tis' true, unlike Europe, the language doesn't change every 100 miles.

Shlomi Fish: And unlike England, the accent does not change every 10 miles.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

What happened to Christopher Michael Pilato?

What happened to Christopher Michael Pilato?
Is he gone?
Is he gone for good?
Is he gone for better?
Is he gone for best?
Is he gone forever?
Will he return?
Who is Christopher Michael Pilato, anyway?

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Adapted from an IRC Monologue

Teaching a Computer to Laugh

> Can anyone draw a plan as to how to teach a computer to laugh? Say we
> define laugh as print "LOL", and define smile as print ":)". How would a
> computer know when to print any of those, and when to operate an Eliza
> program?

Judging by IRC or AOL, randomly would do just fine ;-)

	Muli Ben-Yehuda in Hackers-IL message No. 3513
Author Muli Ben-Yehuda
Work Hackers-IL message No. 3,153

In Philosophy, as much as in software engineering

In Philosophy, as much as in software engineering, you don't get credit for originality. What matters is the final product, not who came up with the idea for each feature first.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

HURD is Lacking in Developers

> Unfortunatly as other people have mentioned - the HURD is seriously
> lacking in developers, especially driver writers. Linux is to blame for
> most of that.

KImageShop is seriously lacking in developers, and the GIMP is to blame
for most of that.
Author Shlomi Fish
Work Post to the Linux-IL Mailing List

He has a high degree of…

He has a high degree of idealism, a high degree of stubbornness, and an even higher degree of inability to distiniguish between the two.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

I expected that this patch won't go in so easily

> Thanks, applied as change #22936.

And thank you for applying this patch. But to be honest, I'm a little disappointed. I expected it won't go in so easily and will trigger some discussion here. But there was none. No typo corrections ("you mis-spelled 'floccinaucinihilipilification'"); no flames ("this patch is the worst thing since non-sliced bread"). Nothing.

Someone should do something about it. This direction is not healthy for p5p. Seriously.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Post to perl5-porters

sleep-fu

rindolf Right now, I think I'll go to sleep.
mitch nite rindolf
mitch sleep-fu well
rindolf mitch: night.
rindolf Bye all!
rindolf mitch: there are no PDB entries for me sleeping.
rindolf mitch: nor do I want any.
mitch haha
mitch (rindolf-sleep INTERACTIVE|NONINTERACTIVE)
rindolf mitch: heh
rindolf mitch: (plug-in-rindolf-sleep ...
mitch :)
Kevin (plug-in-rindolf-sleep 8 HOURS) in Contemplating some potential procedural database functions

Contributing to #gimp

yacoob a quickie: are 'adjustments layers' planned to be implemented in gimp?
nomis yacoob: at some point in the future, yes.
yacoob nomis: dare to estimate how far this future is?
nomis yacoob: no.
rindolf yacoob: faster if you contribute.
* nomis waits for the "oh, I cannot program at all".
rindolf nomis: faster if he learns how to program, and then contributes.
nomis :)
yacoob rindolf: you wouldn't like me to contribute, believe me ;) #gimp

Girly Men

[Commenting in Slashdot after Arnold Schwarzenegger's decision to use open-source software in the California government:]

> This is obviously because Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are girly-men.

Yeah and what are the offerings of the open-source world? Let's see:

1. Linus Torvalds - Looks like a dweeb, ergo is a dweeb. How girly is that? (plus his wife can kick ass better than him) 2. Richard M. Stallman - a hippy. How girly is that? 3. Eric S. Raymond - a nice looking man with a mustache. Baby faced, so he looks a bit girly to me. 4. Larry Wall - a cross between Linus and RMS (i.e: a hippy dweeb) that is even more girly.

So who do we have left? Alan Cox? OK, he's manly. (huge man, huge facial hair, etc.) And all the others are so neglible people don't even know how they look like.

Note: this comment may have been a bit cruel, so sorry. Don't take it too seriously, especially if you're one of the guys I laughed about. I hold you all with the greatest respect. Seriously.

Sincerily yours, Shlomi Fish (who is a quite girly male himself).

- http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=117863&cid=9962843

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

If his programming…

If his programming is anything like his philosophising, he would find ten imaginary bugs in the "Hello World" program.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Documentation for BL

rindolf buu: do you have a working manual of BL?
rindolf s/working/up-to-date/
buu It's kind of sort of up to date
perlygatekeeper he means NO
buu I've got some docs!
rindolf buu: do you have a functional spec? An architecture document? An interface whitepaper? A developer's guide? A user manual? A "The BL-Book" and "BL - The Program"?
buu rindolf: no, no, no no and no
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Discussing the merits of documenting one's pet languages on

Hacker Sees Bug

Hacker sees bug. Hacker fixes bug.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Tcl is Lisp on Drugs…

Tcl is Lisp on drugs. Using strings instead of S-expressions for closures is Evil with one of those gigantic E's you can find at the beginning of chapters.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

95% of Programmers

Linus Torvalds: "95% of Programmers consider themselves in the top 5%". Shlomi Fish's Corollary: "95% of Programmers consider 95% of the code they did not write, in the bottom 5%."

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Too Girly

rindolf Linuxgrrl: well The Gilmore Girls is also a drama. Sort of a dramedie, but a serious one.
Linuxgrrl Meh.
Linuxgrrl Too girly for me.
rindolf Linuxgrrl: you are a girl.
rindolf Linuxgrrl: let me guess - you're using Debian or Gentoo, right?
Linuxgrrl Gentoo.
rindolf Linuxgrrl: knew it.
rindolf Linuxgrrl: no self-respecting tomboy would use Mandrake. Shlomi
Channel #linuxchics
Network OFTC
Tagline Too Girly

C++ is…

C++ is complex, complexifying and complexified.

(With apologies to the Oxford English Dictionary).

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Blogging Memes

rindolf I'm siicckk of blogging memes.
rindolf You are this file type.
rindolf You are that type of cloth.
jkauffman You are this member of the Friends show
rindolf jkauffman: LOL.
jkauffman "January 4th, 2005: Just took an online quiz and it turns out I'm a Joey type"
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Shlomi Fish (rindolf) and jkauffman

Did anybody see my newline at Freenode's #perl channel.

rindolf sleeper: why are people obsessed with one-liners?
rindolf It takes 3 lines - OMG what a disaster!
Botje rindolf: newline prices went up again
rindolf Botje: I buy my newlines in the black market
dabreegster Botje: again? drat.
* Botje reports rindolf to the newline police
dabreegster Botje: I know about an... (underground) operation going on to pirate newlines.
rindolf Botje: I bribed a few cops in the newline police, but nice try.
dabreegster Botje: Some crazy guys are trying to free newlines from patents! They want to rid the market!
* cursor gets called up to serve in the newline jury
rindolf I think we need to start a campaign to lift all restrictions off newlines.
dabreegster rindolf: La Resistance lives on!\n
Botje I already stockpiled millions of newlines
dabreegster Botje: We can have the one-liners destroyed by sundown
dabreegster Not destroyed, but... TURNED INTO TWO-LINERS! Mwuhahaha!
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline The Cost of Newlines

Verbing the verb on Freenode's #perl

* buu Stevie[FP] with a plunger.
* Stevie[FP] looks for the verb in that sentence
sili i think you're missing a verb
Stevie[FP] I think he's missing a brain.
sili unless Stevie[FP] is a verb i don't know
sili Stevie[FP]: v. see Stevie[FP]
Stevie[FP] I am not a verb!
sili you've been verbatized
* rindolf Stevie[FP]'s Chris62vw
Stevie[FP] verbalized?
rindolf Stevie[FP]: verbalized is a different thing.
rindolf Stevie[FP]: it comes from "verbal".
Stevie[FP] Verbified.
Stevie[FP] Verbiated.
rindolf stefan: verbificated.
Botje verbed.
Stevie[FP] Verberated.
rindolf Stevie[FP]: verberation is overrated.
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Verbing the Verb

Becoming Crazy

tyler- rindolf: you are seriously the craziest fucker I know
tyler- and I know some crazy ass people
mofino haha
rindolf tyler-: I am crazy. And proud of it.
tyler- rindolf: you should be
mofino haha
mofino Ahh man
rindolf tyler-: being crazy is hard work. I worked all my life to becrazy.
mofino Normal people aren't fun.
rindolf tyler-: "Craziness is not an action. It's a process."
mofino heh
tyler- rindolf: I see
rindolf You need to tend to your insanity.
rindolf tyler-: do you want to be crazy?
tyler- rindolf: that's why I feed my leprechaun at least once aday.
rindolf tyler-: I can teach you everything I know.Freenode's
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Becoming Crazy

Discussing living with one's parents on IRC.

rindolf mofino: I have some money, and am living and am supported by my parents.
rindolf mofino: there's much less of a taboo against living withone parents after school in Israel, than there is in the States.
mofino It's not taboo
mofino It's pathetic.
mofino Although, sometimes life sucks, and you have no choice.
q[ender] you know, it depends
q[ender] if you're not married and / or not getting any, it doesn't much matter if you live with your folks
mofino ender, usually when you have self-respect, you try and you know, make it on your own
rindolf q[ender]: are you married and not getting any? You could live with your parents.
q[ender] hahaha
mofino haha
q[ender] awesome
q[ender] rindolf++ # good burn!

Moses-the-Smiley

:)-<
 +--

    -- Moses the Smiley by Shlomi Fish
Author Shlomi Fish
Work Moses the Smiley

The First Phrase that needs to be Taught

The first phrase that need to be taught when teaching a new language is how to say "Do you speak English?". The first thing that needs to be taught when teaching a new computer tool is how to exit it.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Re-inventing the Wheel

He who re-invents the wheel, will understand much better how a wheel works.

He who re-invents the wheel, may actually invent a much better wheel.

Shlomi Fish

He who re-invents the wheel will likely design a square wheel and spend a year trying to figure out why it doesn't work properly.

Nadav Har'El

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Better Alternative

Sometimes you don't need to be familiar with a better alternative to know that something sucks. Take Microsoft Word for example.

Eran Keidar

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Good Student vs. Bad Student

The difference between a good student and a bad student is that a bad student forgets the material five minutes before the test, while a good student five minutes afterwards.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Real Programmers Don't Write

Real programmers don't write workarounds. They tell their users to upgrade their software.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Jewish Atheists

Jewish Atheists are the only true Atheists. They beat the hell out of Goy Atheists.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Human XML

BarnacleBob i hate xml.....
mcrawfor <response to="BarnacleBob">indeed</response>
rindolf mcrawfor: :-)
rindolf mcrawfor++ # Nice joke
Botje ehm. ouch.
Botje rindolf: no!
Botje <postincrement comment="Nice joke">mcrawfor</postincrement>
rindolf Botje: LOL.
rindolf <postincrement comment="As you wish">Botje</postincrement>
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Human XML

/me (or I, you or we) is finding it amusing on Freenode's #perl.

* __you fart
* __you say "oops"
rindolf __you: heh
* __you kick rindolf
__you (rindolf, you're now being kicked by 435 people)
squeeks __you need to go outside.
kspath __you: Who owns you?
* __you go outside
* __you are pwned by dazjorz __you is now known as we
* we are having a useless off-topic conversation right now
rindolf we: hahah we is now known as __you
* __you decide this channel is now useless and decide to leave simcop2387 is now known as we
* we are not amused
* __you and I are together simcop2387 squeeks is now known as _I_
* _I_ need to tell __you something
* __you listen simcop2387 is now known as we
* we need help
* _I_ think we are getting a bit sick of the shenanigans
rindolf I'm so making a fortune out of it.
* we want to be on bash.org /me
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline /me (or I, you or we) is finding it amusing

Multi-linguality

spyro_boy Oh! I fixed it :D
spyro_boy Yay :D
rindolf spyro_boy: congrats!
spyro_boy Thanks for your help, everyone. :)
rindolf spyro_boy: now you should translate this script to O'Caml, Haskell, Perl 6.
spyro_boy rindolf, huh?
rindolf spyro_boy: Smalltalk, C, C++, Visual Basic...
spyro_boy rindolf, translate to what?
rindolf spyro_boy: to all these programming languages.
spyro_boy haha
spyro_boy rindolf, yeah.
rindolf Because a script in perl is Not Enough<tm>.
rindolf spyro_boy: but see the Great Computer Language Shootout.
spyro_boy rindolf, I tried learning C,C++, and Java, but I couldn't catch on.
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Mulit-linguality

Chuck Norris and Perl 6

rindolf wankit
buubot Perl 6, unlike most people, is able to breathe in the vacuum of space. In fact, anything else would damage its respiratory system. Because of this, whenever it's visiting Earth, it wears a respirator, which resembles a kickass beard.
rindolf Heh heh.
rindolf Are all of buubot's wankit factoids about Perl 6?
rindolf He should have some about Chuck Norris, too.
merlyn fictional factoids about a partially designed, partially implemented, partially wanted language. :)
rindolf merlyn: yeah.
merlyn Heh - those are all Chuck Norris quotes with s/Chuck/P6/
dabreegster rindolf: It's written in Chuck Norris, right
merlyn Chuck Norris writes code in Perl 6. Before Larry's done. And it works.
rindolf merlyn: Chuck Norris wrote Perl 6 in a day but then destroyed all evidence with his bare hands, so no one will know his secrets.
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Discussing the merits of documenting one's pet languages on

Chuck Norris Perlsixifies at FreeNode's #perl6 channel.

rindolf ajs: perhaps Chuck Norris would be a useful addition to the Pugs and Parrot teams.
ajs rindolf: If Norris can write, give him a commit bit, and tie him to a keyboard ;)
FurnaceBoy I thought he already had commit
daxim Chuck Norris commits with a roundhouse kick into the SVN server's head
* FurnaceBoy chuckles
ajs daxim: If you can get that to pass the test suite, then more power to you!
FurnaceBoy Chuck *is* the test suite
Kattana chuck norris does not code, when he sits at a computer, it just does whatever he wants.
rindolf Kattana: :-)
daxim ah, we're easy to amuse
ajs Be the test suite, Chuck... BE the test suite.
FurnaceBoy you gotta pass 'make chuck' Chuck
Channel #perl6
Network Freenode
Tagline Discussing the merits of documenting one's pet languages on

Is a Life Ready for Prime Time?

rindolf LeoNerd: I need to get a life.
LeoNerd They can be quite useful, but they do have a crazy amount of dependencies..
LeoNerd And sometimes they can be a bit unstable - I think they're still beta-testing Geek
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Is a Life Ready for Prime Time

#perl for Elisabeth

simcop2387 Daveman: i use a ZED PEE EM to power my computer, its the ultimate YOU PEE ES
* Daveman throws an Elisabeth at Simcop
rindolf Me catches the Elisabeth in mid-air.
SubStack with an s, excellent choice
Daveman :o
Daveman Interception!
rindolf Daveman: when my friend and I played Frisbee, we had an intra-tree move.
* SubStack pirates Elisabeth and seeds a torrent
rindolf Which was unintended.
rindolf Elisabeth: are you here?
Daveman HAHAHAHHA
Daveman Substack++
* SubStack wins at life.
rindolf An Elisabeth for all! And all for an Elisabeth. Freenode's
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline #perl for Elisabeth

Books for Learning Perl

Alexi5 what is a good book for getting up to speed with perl?
merlyn learning perl!
merlyn intermediate perl!
nachos_ the camel is the _only book_
nachos_ :-P
* merlyn bats nachos silly
nachos_ :-(
rindolf Alexi5: there's also Beginning Perl, which is available online.
* f00li5h saw that coming
rindolf You should learn Perl from "Learning Perl in 24 minutes Unleashed!"
f00li5h rindolf: ``Learning perl in 24 minutes Unleashed, in a nutshell for dummies'' is the one i have
rindolf f00li5h: that's even better. FreeNode's
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Books for Learning Perl

The ex-Member about Rashness

"You know:", The physicist said, "in my opinion since you left the Organization you acted without thinking a lot before you did things. I would define your behavior as deriving from spontaneousness and fickle-mindedness that border on rashness. Do you also think so?"

"Of course!" I answered him, "Except for arrogance, rashness is my only defect!"

Excerpt from "The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight it" By: Shlomi Fish http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/TheEnemy/

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Second Best Solution

The current solution offered by Nvidia may be the second-best solution. But this is one case where the second best solution is not good enough.

Shlomi Fish in http://www.petitiononline.com/nvfoss/petition.html

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

If it isn't in my email…

If it isn't in my email, it doesn't exist.

And if the whole world says one thing and my email says something different, email will conquer.

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Buffy and Willo

rindolf Hi CSWookie
rindolf CSWookie: aren't you also on Freenode?
CSWookie rindolf: What's up.
CSWookie rindolf: I am.
rindolf CSWookie: I'm fine.
rindolf CSWookie: you are a Buffy fan right?
CSWookie rindolf: I am. Although really, more a Willow fan. Nothing hotter than red-headed Jewesses that are scared of boys.
Channel #gimp
Network GimpNet
Tagline CSWookie on Willow

Discussing Vintage Hypertext on Freenode's #perl

rindolf Are you using Firefox?
Imaginativeone yeah...
rindolf Interesting...
rindolf Don't know.
[x86] use a real browser... you know... like IE!
* [x86] runs
infi IE 3 > *
rindolf IE 2 > *
infi gopher!
infi firefox can actually do gopher URLs
rindolf GNU info!
infi feh.
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Vintage Hypertext

When Closed-source Bites

rindolf Hi all! How can I tell Flash in FF to play using artsd? It keeps trying to invoke esd. I'm on Mandriva 2007.
vexati0n the REAL question is, wtf is taking adobe so long with flash 9 :@
vexati0n rindolf: you might have to set that with firefox' settings.
vexati0n or, do what good people do and use opera.
vexati0n :P
* rindolf slaps vexati0n
rindolf vexati0n: I'm not using Opera. Period.
rindolf I don't like it and it's not FOSS.
vexati0n god, it's like opera is anathema just cause people can't look at it's code or something.
vexati0n like YUO are going to tinker with your browser's source code anyway
rindolf vexati0n: actually, I did that for Firefox.
rindolf vexati0n: I have a bug pending on bugzilla.mozilla.org.
rindolf vexati0n: nah, nah, nah, nah
vexati0n well, you wouldn't have to do it with opera because it already works :P
rindolf vexati0n: I hate the fact that it resizes images.
rindolf vexati0n: it causes the images to be too large.
rindolf vexati0n: now tell me how do I fix that.
vexati0n opera resizes images? o.O
vexati0n do you have a page it screws up so i can look?
rindolf vexati0n: when I press Ctrl++ and Ctrl+-
vexati0n oh. you mean it doesn't just increase the size of the text.
rindolf vexati0n: take http://www.shlomifish.org/art/ for example.
rindolf vexati0n: yes.
Channel ##linux
Network Freenode
Tagline When Closed-source bites

The Bad Thing about Hardware

The bad thing about hardware is that it sometimes work and sometimes doesn't. The good thing about software is that it's consistent: it always does not work, and it always does not work in exactly the same way.

Shlomi Fish

Author Shlomi Fish
Work Shlomi Fish's Aphorisms Collection

Welcome to Web 2.0

rindolf Kev: thanks.
rindolf Kev: did you post it on the French page?
Kev not yet
rindolf Kev: you need to create an account first. But it's easy.
rindolf It's' a MediaWiki based wiki.
Kev arghhhhhhhhhhhh
rindolf Kev: what's wrong?
jagerman Maybe MediaWiki wronged him in some way!
Kev wiki
jagerman Just be thankful it isn't a blog!
rindolf Kev: what's wrong with wikis?
rindolf And be extra thankful it's not MySpace.
jagerman Mt. Allison [University] is now paying 5 students to maintain a "life as a Mt. A student" blog
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Welcome to Web 2.0

Unflattering Nicknames

mofino Well I'm confused and I'm going home
mofino Later guys
mofino And girl.
mofino Young tender girl ...
mofino sweet 16 year old girl ....
avar haha
rindolf mofino: heh.
* mofino puts away his lynching pedo personality
mofino ;)
mofino lates
* ChanServ gives channel operator status to jagerman
←jagerman has kicked mofino from #perlcafe (Leave already :P)
* jagerman removes channel operator status from jagerman
avar We have found pedobear and he is mofino
→mofino has joined #perlcafe
mofino can you like not do that as I'm picking up my keys?
mofino you fagerman
rindolf fagerman, homofino, what's next?
rindolf I know - q[tyler-]
rindolf OTOH, I've been called Slimy Fish lately.
avar rindolf: The *real* Slimy Fish?
rindolf avar: the one and only 100% original real actual and unmatched Slimy Fish<tm>!
rindolf I'm the real Slimy, yes I'm the real Slimy, if you're the real Slimy and not just a Slimy. So will the real Slimy please stand up, please stand up...
* jagerman is ashamed for actually knowing those lyrics
avar sing it jew boy:)
Channel #perlcafe
Network Freenode
Tagline Unflattering Nicknames

Linux for Christians

rindolf CSWookie: tried Christian Ubuntu yet? ;-)
goldfish lol.
goldfish Oh dear, you weren't joking.
rindolf goldfish: no, I was.
goldfish hah
goldfish "Ubuntu Christian Edition is a free, open source operating system geared towards Christians. It is based on the popular Ubuntu Linux. Ubuntu is a complete Linux-based operating system, freely available with both community and professional support."
moldy i might try it soon
moldy right now we are using plain dapper at my church
goldfish moldy: hah
moldy is this that funny? :p
goldfish :)
rindolf http://christianubuntu.blogspot.com/
moldy hehe
moldy For 40 days before Easter, Ubuntu Christian Edition works in text mode only.
moldy haha
goldfish That's brilliant :)
rindolf There's also a Jewbuntu blog, but it's not as funny as this Christian Ubuntu blog.
moldy true
moldy That sounds about right -- Jesus might have preferred Jewbuntu since he was a Jew. Then again, Jesus was also a dedicated idealist, so he might have chosen Debian instead of Ubuntu. :-P
moldy hehehe
tpope why has ubuntu become the distro of puns?
moldy has it? there are puns for other distros, too
Strogg Jesus came from long long ago. I bet he runs debian stable. :)
Channel #vim
Network Freenode
Tagline Ubuntu for Christians

Free as in what?

rindolf ofer0: what's up?
ofer0 rindolf, nothing much. what's with you?
rindolf ofer0: I restored my fonts to my nouveau-enabled X server.
jagerman What is nouveau?
ofer0 jagerman, "new" in french ?
jagerman Yes, I know it's a word, but what is the nouveau rindolf is talking about?
ofer0 I have no idea. rindolf ?
rindolf jagerman, ofer0: it's the free-as-in-speech Nvidia drivers.
dmq jagerman++ (Yes i know its a word).
pkrumins free as in freedom
nainef free as in richard stallman?
ofer0 free as in free Microsoft Windows Vista CDs
nainef lol
pkrumins vista--
ofer0 "What do you mean? Windows XP isn't free?" -- My neighbour.
Ikarus ofer0: sounds familiar
ofer0 (when telling him that I can't format his hard-drive and re-install XP because he doesn't own a license)
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Free as in what?

The Only Programming Language

rindolf This reminds me of a fun discussion I had with my co-worker.
rindolf He had a Firefox window open with an ActiveState page and I read "Perl, PHP, Python, Tcl, XSLT".
rindolf So he said: "Heresy! C is the only language."
rindolf So I thought for a moment and said "Intercal is the only language."
nanonyme lol
rindolf And then "Real men write in Intercal."
rindolf "COME FROM" anyone? Shlomi
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline The Only Programming Language

Misleading Textbooks about Perl

rindolf mortal5: you need to print the header.
rindolf mortal5: print header()
mortal5 rindolf, ...I absolutely love it when my textbook leads me wrong..
rindolf mortal5: what is your textbook?
mortal5 "web wizards guide to perl and cgi"
mortal5 lol
mortal5 only the finest for the students at my university
buu Hahaha
buu That's awesome.
cfedde Is this what we're teacing these days? Oh my.
somian Blows the mind, doesn't it cfedde!
cfedde somian: it does.
cfedde I suppose that I'm commenting out of context. but why the mix and match.
f3ew What mind?
cfedde yours, with this .48
* somian sends in CSI las vegas to clean up
rindolf mortal5: what is your university?
mortal5 rindolf, I'm too ashamed to tell :p
rindolf mortal5: heh.
rindolf mortal5: is it bad?
mortal5 rindolf, no not really, we have a fairly well known cs dept
somian Just so long as it isn't SUNY@BUFFALO
mortal5 it's just the teacher i'm using, she's a total flake
Channel #perl
Network Freenode
Tagline Misleading Textbooks about Perl

Perl, dongs and everything between on Freenode's #perl

* CPAN rating: Net-DNS-Check rated 4 stars by Ævar Arnfjörð Bjarmason
rindolf Oooh! avar has rated a module.
somian^{} avar! WHAT ARE YOU DOING rating CPAN modules!?! Do you really think you are QUALIFIED to be doing that!?! ;-P
* avar dongs somian^{}
* somian^{} laughs
avar somian^{}: I'M A PROFESSIONAL PERL PROGRAMMER
avar I know PERL
somian^{} But can u mAke teh weB with teh PERL!?
Earle_Martin avar: I know DONGS
avar Earle_Martin: SHOW ME
avar Earle_Martin: Don't you mean DONG foo?