All in an Atypical Day’s Work - Ongoing Text [satire]
Love is Evil, and Evil is Love
Abstract
Rindolf “Aim Very High” Hitlower, the Norwegian EvilReindeer, is threatening to turn Christmas into EvilChristmas, by having stolen all the Christmas' presents and the Chanukkah coins. His twin brothers, Rudolph Hitlower and Randolph Hitlower, Santa Claus’ right-hoof reindeer, recruit the elite commando unit, the Mane Six, and together go to the Selinaverse's Norway to try to prevent that.
[ The Equestria north pole: Santa Claus, a large male unicorn pony, is standing along with the reindeer Rudolph and Randolph by his side, debriefing the other reindeer. ]
Santa: OK, everypony, we are going to have a lot of work this year delivering Christmas presents and Chanukkah coins. If you have any questions, you can ask my right-hoof reindeer helpers, Rudolph Hitlower and Randolph Hitlower.
Santa: Together, we can hopefully make the Selinaverse have a merry Christmas and a happy Chanukkah again.
Rindolf’s voice:[in a French accent] not so fast!
[ He materialises. The reindeer are startled. ]
Santa: hi, who might you be?
Rindolf: bonjour my frenemies! I am Rindolf “Aim Very High” Hitlower, Rudolph and Randolph’s evil twin brother. We were separated at birth.
Rindolf: true to my name, I try to aim high [he uses his Antlers to conjure a mortar, and fires a flare, which travels in a balistic curve, and hits a nearby mountain] and hit lower, but hopefully not very low.
Rindolf: anyway, this year I decided to use my EvilAntlers to turn Christmas into EvilChristmas, by stealing all the Christmas' presents and the Chanukkah coins.
[ His antlers glow, and the presents disappear. ]
Rindolf: mua-ha-ha-ha… try to stop me! I am Norwegian, but I speak in a French accent, because I cannot emulate a Norwegian accent properly, and because French is the language of love and “Love is Evil, and Evil is Love”.
[ The mane Six (= the Guardians of Friendship) are planning the military mission along with Rudolph and Randolph. ]
Applejack: OK, everypony, the Selinaverse’s Norway involves a rough terrain consisting in part of mountains, cliffs, and fjords.
Applejack: we are going to start 30 kilometres south of Oslo and head northwards as we try to find Rindolf.
[ Fluttershy is busy using her smartphone. ]
Applejack: Fluttershy, what are you doing?
Fluttershy: oh, I need to juggle some priorities as a director of the Mossad [Reference].
Fluttershy: currently, there are active reports of a 7.3 Richter-scale earthquake in Las Pegasus, a siege on Canterlot, and a tsunami and flood in the coast of north-west Equestria.
Applejack: Fluttershy, our priority currently is to save the Selinaverse’s Christmas. So all of those will have to take back-seat.
The French Castle
[ The Mane Six, accompanied by Rudolph and Randolph, step out of a portal in Norway. They carry terran military equipment, and face right, which is also northwards.
French guard: allo ponies from Equestria! Welcome to Norway. We are big fans of yours.
[ The Equestrians turn around. Twilight Sparkle uses her horn to teleport the Equestrians closer to the castle. ]
Twilight Sparkle: hey! What are you doing here in Norway?
French guard: we move our castle to Norway during the winters.
Twilight Sparkle: isn’t it cold then?
French guard: well, there has been Global Warming and the castle has a central heating system.
Twilight Sparkle: I see. Nice to meet you.
Twilight Sparkle: we are looking for Rindolf “Aim Very High” Hitlower, the EvilReindeer. Do you perchance know where we can find him?
French guard: really? What an incredible coincidence! He happens to be our castle's master!
Rainbow Dash: hold on, everypony! We couldn't have found Rindolf so quickly. It must be a trap!
[ The castle’s gate’s door opens, and Rindolf steps out. ]
Rindolf: if the mountain does not come to Rindolf the EvilReindeer , Rindolf the EvilReindeer will go to the mountain.
Rindolf: so - you have found me.
Rudolph: yes. Can you please return the Christmas' presents now?
Rindolf: certainly! [ his Antlers glow ] Done.
Rindolf: But it may not be for the best.
Rindolf: See: the problem with Christmas' presents (or with birthday presents for that matter) is that you get a lot of tangible stuff that you neither need nor want.
Rindolf: Chanukkah coins are better given they are either cash or chocolate.
Rindolf: nevertheless, lately my cliques of friends have been sharing short and entertaining online works which they created or found. Love and time are more precious than money.
Why love is evil
Randolph: speaking of love, can you now tell us why “Love is Evil, and Evil is Love”?
Rindolf: yes, I can. First of all, in the context of this fic, "evil" is not malevolent or destructive, just occasionally playfully cruel.
Rindolf: anyway, here in Fantastecha™, love (or "pleasure") is closely intertwined with "knowledge": education and creation of new values. Moreover, like "Joel on Software" notes, a good way to convey a message is to tell or show a story.
Rindolf: and these stories materialise in different universes in Fantastecha™!
Rindolf: Most of us are familiar with the fable "The Boy Who Cried Wolf", which conveys a message that you shouldn't lie too much, or people will stop believing you. Well, some Fantastechan hackers will likely tell the story of Shlomi Fish playing ball with his second nephew, to the same effect.
Rindolf: As a result, in our quests for pleasure, we are condemning other player-characters for hardships or even for starting their lives as vampires. [Reference: Multiverse cosmology.]
Rindolfism 101
Rainbow Dash: that doesn't make any sense!
Shlomi Fish’s voice booming from above: on the contrary, Rainbow Dash! It makes perfect sense. Mine!
[ Shlomi Fish, a human, steps out of a vortex portal. ]
Shlomi Fish: greetings everyone. My name is "Shlomi Fish" and I am Rindolf’s (and Rudolph’s and Randolph’s) MoreEvil twin brother; I’m adopted.
Shlomi Fish: I am here to promote the new book, "Rindolfism 101: making some things make more sense. Ours. An anthology of works from Shlomi Fish’s web presence. Selected and edited by Christina Grimmie."
Shlomi Fish: Provided for 30 U.S. Dollars as soft-cover, PDF, EPUB, and source-code. Now including a complementary pack of Naboo’s Miracle Wax. [ Reference: "The Mighty Boosh: The Ape of Death Scene". ]
[ Split frame with The Mighty Boosh’s Ape of Death, and his two Mandrill guards, Davy and Nemo. ]
Ape of Death: greetings, Shlomi. Davy, Nemo, and I need one pack of Naboo’s Miracle Wax each and 30 USD per pack is a reasonable price. So we’d like to order 3 copies of the "Rindolfism 101" book.
Shlomi Fish: hello, sir. In that case, you can exploit our "buy 2, get 1 free" offer.
Ape of Death: so 20 USD per pack? That’s an even better deal! [ Pause while he uses his smartphone. ] Order made. Do you mind if I tweet about it?
Shlomi Fish: not at all. Be my guest. I could use the publicity.