Ethical Hacking Version
PrevNode LinkNextPeaceful Resolution
Node LinkNext[ The filming set. ]
Natalie: everyone in position…and - action!
[ Worf and Gowron growl. The two closest jedi knights quickly pull two black blasters and aim them at the Klingons; Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon do the same. ]
The Jedi Knights: hands up!
[ The Klingons comply. ]
Queen Padmé: [using her smartphone as a loud speaker.] Dear Klingon sirs… what did you intend to do?
Worf: we were hired to kill you and our plan has failed. We thought using missiles would be too cowardly.
Worf: Nevertheless…it is against the Klingon ethos to retreat from a battle nonvictorious, so please kill us now, and if you wish, torture us beforehand.
[ Worf and Gowron close their eyes. Padmé sighs. ]
Padmé: OK… let's suppose for the sake of argumentation that my jedi knights and I have killed you (or slain you), that you have died (or admitted you were wrong), and were reborn. Will this be acceptable?
[ Worf and Gowron smile, then laugh, open their eyes and are relieved. ]
Gowron: you were a truly worthy opponent, your majesty! What should we do next?
Padmé: [uses her smartphone. Shows Darth Vader on the screen] Hey uncle Vader! Guess what? We found the assassins and they have been slain and reborn. We're going to chat with them and get some "intel" out about their clients. But tell aunt Liz to be the ceremonial female royal in the jedi tournament instead of me.
Vader: sure thing, Padpad! May the force be with you.
Padmé: [to Worf and Gowron] OK, you seem to be noble and think highly of me now. What prompted you to attempt to assassinate me?
Worf: we accumulated debt… wine, song and the wrong kind of women. So Gowron and I started a side-business as mercenaries. We were offered a large amount of money to assassinate you, which we accepted after reading your Wikipedia page, which gave us the impression that you were some kind of power, fame, and money hungry politician, tyrant, and celebrity.
Padmé: A power, fame, and money hungry politician, tyrant, and celebrity? Why, thank you!
[ They laugh. ]
Padmé: OK, seriously now: I had my share of frustrations from that page, which is kind of a "can't see the forest from the trees" syndrome, and being a royal doesn't help (and I'll gladly pass the crown to someone I can trust, but nobody volunteered so far.)
Padmé: Anyway, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon will escort you to the palace's café where you can find an open wifi, some tablets, a screen, and a digital video camera, and can order free food.
Padmé: Please give them the identity of your client - both for my own good, as I have likely been doing something wrong, and for your client's.
Padmé: Once you arrive at the café, I suggest you start reading my bio on my personal website and my FAQ.
[ Rainbow Dash and Big Mac materialise out of thin air carrying large blasters. ]
Rainbow Dash: We'll make sure they do not leave the palace's premises!
Big Mac: ayyup!
Padmé: Oh Lord! Are you trying to scare people with these blasters though?
Gowron: Rainbow, Big Mac: to quote Kahless the Unforgettable: “Only the most timid of warriors shall attempt to evade an opportunity of peaceful enlightenment.”. We have no intention to escape, and surely you can outrun… or outfly us.
[ Note: I (= Shlomi Fish) made up this Kahless quote. ]
Rainbow Dash: Fair enough. Discord, please take care of these blasters.
[ Discord appears, snaps his fingers and converts Rainbow Dash's and Big Mac's blasters into a Mirror Dice -like ornament. ]
Discord: These will look great on my new podracer.
[ He flies in a podracer not unlike the Star Wars Ep. 1's Anakin Skywalker's podracer , with scarves and sunglasses similar to Thelma & Louise, does a U-turn, and leaves the frame. ]
Padmé: Well, I need to go to my room and change. This ceremonial robe is itchy. I'm going to need one of you jedi knights' gentlemen to escort me. I have my own blaster here, but still will need a body guard in the unlikely case that there are going to be more assassins.
At the café
PrevNode LinkNext[ Worf, Gowron, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Big Mac and Rainbow Dash are at the café. Worf and Gowron are reading Padmé’s FAQ on tablets, and are laughing and discussing it with the others. Worf is wearing glasses.
Padmé approaches them wearing a captioned T-shirt, trousers, and a medallion made out of copper or similar, escorted by her jedi-knight-acting bodyguard. ]
Padmé: [to the bodyguard] Thanks! good luck in the tournament. [He waves and Padmé waves back.]
[ He walks away. Padmé sits down. ]
Padmé: hi, sorry it took me so long - I have too much to wear…
Worf: hah! I thought I'll never hear a lady say that!
Padmé: yes, well: I have this offer where people can ask me to buy one T-shirt/etc. for them and one for myself if I like the design in their link. And I often do, and I hate to disappoint them, so…
Worf: well, frankly you look both more dashing and more authoritative now than in that ridiculous ceremonial robe! Heh…
Gowron: I agree!
Padmé: thank you! On the other hand, most jedis (both men and women) like their uniforms… misery!
Gowron: really? How so?
Qui-Gon: well, they are comfortable, and fairly functional, and have a cool retro look… and they sort of convey authority.
Obi-Wan: Chicks love them too!
[ They laugh. ]
Worf: How many girls do you need?
Obi-Wan: One too many obviously!
Qui-Gon: I suggest you take the fifth!
Obi-Wan: you think I have five girlfriends?
Gowron: Or more!
[ They laugh. ]
Worf: Anyway… back to business: your majesty, your FAQ is incredibly funny.
Padmé: yes, well… it is mostly written seriously. [She seems unhappy.]
Worf: well, its comedic effect may indicate it is more true.
Padmé: yes… anyway, how much money do you owe - and to whom?
Gowron: Well, we jointly owe Robandy of the Orion syndicate 220 thousand dollars. He erased our bet deficit at Quark’s in exchange for a one time interest.
Padmé: 220,000 USD? Are you kidding? It is pocket change for me. I can SWIFT you 3 millions dollars to erase the bet, and have a fresh start.
Worf: As a loan?
Padmé: Nah… as a present. I dislike keeping track of loans in my head. These things tend to bounce back anyway (unfortunately for me and my increasing positive bank balance).
Padmé: Please promise that you'll try to avoid getting drunk in the future, though. There are fruit juices, there are carbonated beverages, there are syrups… teas and infusions… malt beers… they may cloud your judgement a bit, but not enough to go into debt.
Gowron: Thank you, your majesty! This is especially noble of you given we just tried to kill you. But following his return, Kahless did quote other fine warriors that "an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind".
Gowron: I've emailed you our SWIFT details.
Padmé’s Frustrations With her Life
PrevNode LinkNextPadmé: I should note that I was less lucky at being unlucky at Quark’s.
Obi-Wan: you mean… you tried to lose money?
Padmé: Yeah… first I tried to make the most atrociously atrocious predictions at his "Stock Exchange of The Profiles" and… most of them materialised.
[ Obi-Wan smiles. ]
Padmé: Then I tried Dabo, a game of pure chance as the computer cannot read my mind, am I right? I tried to lose, and… I've won.
Gowron: Sounds like you have Midas' Golden Touch, your majesty!
Padmé: Yes, only at this rate, I'll turn my firstborns into gold too!
Gowron and Worf: hah hah… [they gently pat Padmé’s shoulders.]
Padmé: Anyway, the other gamblers quickly followed my lead, so Quark lost a lot of money that day. I felt sorry for him, so I volunteered to offset his losses as a gift. Then people on social media and mainstream media accused me of being addicted to gambling. I am not, but I decided to avoid that just to please them.
Worf: You should not care that much about what other people say about you.
Padmé: maybe…
Worf: And why do you care that your positive bank balance is high? A First World problem, hah!
Padmé: Well, while I'm not a Christian, I kinda agree that "blessed are the poor", and that the more money you have, the more people are jealous of you, and resent you. And there is little of value you can do with it.
How the assassination was foiled
PrevNode LinkNextHow the assassination was foiled: Part 1
Node LinkNextPadmé: I should note that that was the first attempt to assassinate me, and your wives turned you in many days ago, and cooperated with the Selinaverse's intelligence community.
Gowron: Wow! We thought we could trust them…
Worf: we can… that is why they turned us in.
Padmé: Exactly, after the news broke out that an assassination attempt is upcoming, the whole multiverse was abuzz. Luckily, most laymen were not informed on the exact identity of the assassins, though there were many speculations.
Padmé: We tightened security, equipped all jedi guards with blasters, and I had to get a blaster licence myself. All those hours playing Duck Hunt with my cousins and friends have paid off… heh.
Gowron: We're sorry, your majesty…
Padmé: no worries… it was actually quite exciting. "War is good for business; peace is good for business." like The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition go.
Guards for Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle
PrevNode LinkWorf: Speaking of guards, Rainbow Dash: can you tell us why Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle does not have guards as opposed to Celestia's and Luna's?
[ Twilight Sparkle appears out of thin air. ]
Twilight Sparkle: Hi Commander Worf! Big fan!
Worf: Likewise, your highness!
Padmé: [frustrated] Twilie!
Twilight Sparkle: heh heh… anyway, there has been interest by someponies in becoming guards at my castle, but I'll need to fulfil so many prerequisites: define patrol routes, anti-discrimination hiring policies, wage rates, code of conduct, uniforms’ design, vacation days and holidays, catering, dental…
Gowron: hah! If I may interrupt you, your highness… even Queen Elizabeth II does not bring her ridiculous guards to weddings she attends in Manchester. If someone tries to assassinate you, you have been doing something wrong.
Gowron: You can say that volunteers may patrol your castle voluntarily, and request as much money as they wish after giving their reports, and you'll give them as much as you think they deserve.
Twilight Sparkle: I guess you're right. That will simplify matters considerably.
Padmé’s Frustrations With her Love Life
PrevNode LinkNextPadmé: Oh, Worf, Gowron, your wives messaged me saying that although they are emotionally still mad at you, they have rationally forgiven you and say they love you and are glad no one got hurt.
Worf: Thank you all! We are almost worthy of them.
Gowron: Speaking of significant others: what can you tell us about yours?
Padmé: well, his name is Anakin Skywalker. People rant about him all over the social media: "why is he white?"; "why isn't he Jewish?"; "why isn't he a Naboo citizen?"; "why is he a Terran?". At least nobody suggests that I date a girl, or a kangaroo or Jar Jar Binks or complains about the fact that he is about my age, or whatever.
Padmé: The worst part about him is that after we both got our Computer Science B.Sc's, he decided to go to jedi school, and he's been stuck there for over 2 years now, and he's become so busy that he started taking our relationship for granted.
Gowron: Jedi-training programs can reportedly be completed in under a year [Qui-Gon nods], and it is a crime to take a relationship with a beautiful warrior such as yourself for granted! You have your needs, for one…
Padmé: Oh, I have my needs all-right! Only my physical needs are not a problem…
[ The ponies say "Ooh!" and then start chuckling. ]
Padmé: Knock it off, you three!
[ The ponies laugh, take out smartphones, and use them to tweet. ]
Padmé: Anyway, the problem is my spiritual needs: talking, going on dates, geeking out together.
Padmé: As it stands, he has become incredibly terse even in our online messaging conversations.
Worf: Your majesty, would you like to make that part off-the-record?
Padmé: off-the-record? Fuck that! I want the whole world and their sister-in-law to know that while I ostensibly have a boyfriend, and I still love him, he is not giving me sufficient attention.
Gowron: [cheers for Padmé] your Majesty, sounds like you need to honestly confront him, and give him an ultimatum.
Padmé: Perhaps…
About Worf and Gowron
PrevNode LinkNextPadmé: Well, let's talk about you. Mr. Worf, you had an illustrious career as a UFP Star Fleet officer, while Mr. Gowron was a Chancellor of the Klingon High Council. Now you are family men, and also Mixed martial arts (MMA) fighters who together or individually hold several galactical records.
Worf: yes, do note that it is a step sideways, because we just needed a change. We might return or wage war in altogether different ways.
Padmé: sure, even my grandparents, the king of Naboo, and his wife (who is a Jewess by blood, and the reason I am Jewish too) retired about 29 years ago.
Padmé: anyway, can you give any MMA fighting tips?
Gowron: Well, Worf and I are still figuring out the rules… the guidelines! … as we run into them, heh.
Gowron: But here is some advice: try to know (= be educated/entertained) your opponent. Before the fight, we invite them for a drink and talk about stuff we both like: video shows, comics, films, literature, software dev (a bottomless pit, I admit), Internet memes, songs, etc. We want to get them to like us and vice versa, and develop a general fuzzy model of their personality.
Gowron: Muhammad Ali, who was a great warrior in his day, reportedly said “My toughest fight was with my first wife.”, and we suspect it was because he ended up taking her too much for granted.
Gowron: Anyway, if they seem certain they will win, we cancel the fight, because it'd be too risky. If they are convinced they will lose, we try to tell them there is still a chance, however small, that they will win, and they actually do on rare occasions.
Gowron: ( If they think either of us may win, then it's all good, hah! )
Gowron: We then watch some of their latest martial arts fights - often with them overlooking.
Inviting the Assassins' Wives
PrevNode LinkNextPadmé: I should note that I invited your wives, to help me beta test a new clothes selector product by me giving them clothes.
Worf: yes, they complain that they don't have enough to wear.
Padmé: Yes, it is really Sabrina-style. I was offered early access and accepted, and ended up finding a few bugs. They were fixed.
Worf: Heh, nice. Did you get paid for that?
Padmé: Well… if I pay, commentators complain; if I get paid, commentators complain; if it's a free gift, they also complain.
Twilight Sparkle: You can never please everypony!
Big Mac: ayyup!
Gowron: Story of my life… of everypony's, heh.
Going to eat
PrevNode LinkNextWorf: Hey, I'm getting hungry.
[ Everyone else: "yeah, let's eat." ]
Worf: Given her majesty was the victim, she gets to choose the restaurant.
Padmé: Well, I don't think you'll like our non-Authentic Klingon food, but how about non-Authentic Pizza? The actress who plays me is obsessed with Pizza.
Worf: Sure, we like Pizza too.
Padmé: Then I know many good Pizza outlets. One of them is a walk away. And we can use the exercise.
Padmé: Do note that as far as I, and Naboo's law, are concerned, everything I said and was recorded here is CC-zero / public domain. We'll send you two a copy of the recording.
Worf: Thank you!
Padmé: yes, eat, drink, and be happy for tomorrow I need to be the ceremonial female in the female jedis' tournament. The Selinaverse's security community recommended they also be equipped with blasters.
Obi-Wan: hawt!
Padmé: yeah - well the pen is mightier than the bow. I probably have been doing some things wrong.
Padmé: and Obi-Wan, you probably noticed them bitching about the whole situation.
Obi-Wan: I did, yes. Wow! And I thought my (one and only, hah!) girlfriend was bad. Do note, however that I kind-of am attracted to the bitching type. One of my many kinks. While my friends are attracted to everything that moves, I see no reason to limit myself. [Reference]
A Hacky Ending
PrevNode Link[ Padmé is watching a public video message from Worf and Gowron on her Desktop Linux system. ]
Worf: Greetings Queen Padmé Amidala of the Naboo! It turns out failing to assassinate you has had a much better financial outcome for us than if we'd have succeeded. Aside from your preliminary gift, we got so much publicity, and made a lot of money from relicensing pledges, merchandise, selling higher quality media, and interviews / collabs [Reference]. The publicity has been good as well.
Worf: Anyway, we respected your wish to help sustain your bank balance, but we donated to some charities that you endorse. And we always can be reached - whether online or offline - either by you, or by anybody else.
Worf: Keep The Faith!
[ The video completes playing. Padmé "likes" it and posts a brief "Thank you! ♥!" reply. ]
Padmé: Computer: voice bank balance offset since before the monetary gift to Worf and Gowron.
Computer: Offset is a positive 12.7 million U.S. Dollars
Padmé: rats!
Jadzia Dax's Voice: [Note: Jadzia is Worf's wife in the Selinaverse, and was invited by Padmé to help offset her wardrobe ] Hey, Padmé, which dress should I take from these two?
[ Padmé heads over. ]
Padmé: "Porque no los dos?" Take them both… I still love both, but will gladly give both away precisely because of that.