Summer Glau Gets Clearance
PrevNode LinkNextAt the parking lot.
Node LinkNext[ Captions: “Two days later: The NSA Headquarters near Fort Meade, Maryland”.
Music: Hugo: “99 Problems” The screen fades in to show a parking lot, a car arrives and gets parked in a vacant spot. SGlau wearing warm clothes, and sunglasses gets out of the driver’s seat, she rubs her palms against the upper part of her hands. ]
SGlau: So much for the summer in “summerschool”.
[ She wears a coat, and puts on a large, packed, backpack and walks to the guarding station. She enters. ]
At the guarding station
PrevNode LinkNextWill you shoot a terminator?
Node LinkNext[ There are two U.S. soldiers standing there holding machine guns - Andrew, who is Black, and Daniel, who is a Caucasian. SGlau enters, and takes off her sunglasses. ]
SGlau: Good morning, gentlemen.
Andrew: Good morning, ma’am! What is your business here?
SGlau: I am Summer Glau’s terminator from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I would like to get clearance for entering these premises.
Daniel: What? A terminator? Ma’am, are you crazy?
SGlau: Well, I am as crazy as terminators go. I have terminated Summer Glau, the Hollywood actress, and assumed her identity, here is her passport and her driving licence. [She hands them to the guards.]
Andrew: Looks legit, and the face matches. Holy shit, are you really Ms. Glau?
SGlau: Actually - I’m her terminator. [she takes down her backpack and puts it on the floor in front of her.]
SGlau: You may wish to know that I have a gun in that backpack.
Daniel: What??! Put your hands in the air!
[ SGlau quickly puts her hands in the air, looking startled. ]
Daniel: OK, do not move. Andrew, take a look at the backpack.
[ Andrew approaches the backpack and takes a look. ]
Andrew: Hmmm… several tablets and several smartphones, some bags with photos of Ms. Glau - signed along with some… coloured role-playing games dice.
Andrew: Oh, here is the gun. It’s a toy gun, and it does not seem to be loaded. The ammo is outside. What the hell?
SGlau: Can I say something?
Andrew: Yes, Ms. Glau.
SGlau: Ms. Terminator, please. Let’s suppose I am really a terminator. Some kind of top-secret technology - who knows whose. Then if you shoot me, I won’t be really hurt, and will proceed to kick your ass.
SGlau: On the other hand, if I am actually Summer Glau who has gone a little cuckoo, then if you shoot me, and I get killed, then you can imagine the fiasco that that will cause when people learn I was killed.
Andrew: Oh, man!
SGlau: Yes, so I suggest you don’t shoot me.
Andrew: Oh, man! Oh, God! OK, Ma’am, what is it that you want?
SGlau: Just to talk, and hopefully without keeping my hands in the air all the time.
Andrew: Heh, OK, Ma’am, you can let go of them.
[ SGlau puts her hands down. Andrew returns back behind the counter. ]
99 Problems
PrevNode LinkNextSGlau: So? How’s life?
Andrew: It sucks.
Daniel: Yes, it sucks.
SGlau: Ninety-nine problems, eh?
Daniel: And a bitch ain’t one? yes!
Andrew: Actually, I have a hundred problems.
SGlau: Ah, a significant other?
Andrew: Yes, and me being a soldier here makes her really bitchy.
SGlau: Nice, what is her name?
Andrew: Her name is Felicia, Ma’am.
SGlau: Nice name.
Andrew: Yes, nice name.
SGlau: I suppose serving here at the NSA is also one of your problems?
Daniel: Hey, this place is at least ninety of my problems.
Andrew: I wish it was less than that for me too. I was actually happier in Afghanistan.
Daniel: Yes, this place sucks.
SGlau: I see. Can you be specific?
Andrew: How should we put it? We’re supposed to protect these idiots from people who will know their secrets. And they won’t tell us what there is to protect.
Daniel: Yeah, and they are not rude… not per se… they are actually trying to get us to like them. But they smile too much, and flinch a lot.
Daniel: They also always avoid giving meaningful answers to friendly questions:
Daniel: "How are you? I'm fine, thanks.".
Daniel: "How's your day? Sorry, I can't tell you."
Daniel: "What's up? Not much I'm afraid."
Andrew: Yes, it's as if they are afraid to think.
SGlau: So they think less and less, heh.
[ Andrew and Daniel smile. SGlau joins them. ]
SGlau: You know, lots of computer geeks are worried about what they know about them.
Daniel: Well, whatever they know, they're won't tell it to anyone.
SGlau: Not even to the president?
Andrew: Heh, with all due respect to him, I don't think even he can get anything out of them!
[ SGlau laughs. Daniel and Andrew join her. ]
Daniel: Yes, they are universally hated by everyone else in the intelligence community.
SGlau: I guess that is what happens when you consistently fail to publish.
Daniel: Yeah, those guys don’t publish…
Andrew: They perish, man.
SGlau: “Publish or Perish”… life or death.
Andrew: Heh! Ma´am, for the stereotype of an actress, you sure are one smart young lady.
SGlau: Thank you! I had some good teachers.
[ Pause. ]
Summer Glau's Life
PrevNode LinkNextDaniel: Anyway, talking about all that is a bit depressing. Ms. Glau, your life should be happier than ours, can you tell us about it?
SGlau: Yes, well. After The Sarah Connor Chronicles got cancelled, I’ve been mostly out of major acting roles, but I’m still hanging out there, not despairing, and keeping myself busy. California is great for that.
Daniel: So, being the terminator was your greatest role?
SGlau: No, it was not. My greatest role was on xkcd number 406: “Venting”, where someone writes a detailed response criticising a very bad blog comment, and signs it as me. It may have started a silly trend, but I have not practised it myself. At least not yet, heh.
Daniel: Yeah, what an awesome panel it was.
Andrew: Wow! So you’re also an xkcd-head? That’s so cool.
SGlau: Yes. I am so in love with Randall Munroe.
Andrew: Seriously, so why don’t you ask him out?
SGlau: Well, the main reason is that he lives in Boston, while I am a California girl. As you can see, I hate the northern East Coast during most of the year.
Andrew: Ah, that sucks. And he probably thinks that you’re way out of his league.
SGlau: Well, it may seem surprising, but the feeling is pretty mutual.
Daniel: Heh, maybe you two are a match made in heaven.
SGlau: Amen, brother!
Daniel: Heh.
Atlas Shruggeded
PrevNode LinkAndrew: So, Ms. Glau, what is your business here? A pretty California girl like you, does not come to the NSA headquarters of all places, randomly, right?
SGlau: Yes, you are right. I’m here to kick some serious NSA ass (not in the physical sense, of course), and make sure you two have ten and nine problems respectively.
[ Daniel and Andrew laugh and giggle. ]
Andrew: We would love to help you, Ma’am, but Uncle Sam would hate that.
SGlau: So you tell me what’s good for you is not good for America?
Andrew: Heh, Atlas Shruggeded. Well played, Ma’am.
Daniel: OK, is a clearance all you need?
SGlau: For now. [She smiles.]
Andrew: Well, you won’t be able to take your gun with you, even if it’s a toy gun without ammunition.
SGlau: That’s quite alright, I don’t think I will need it any more.
Andrew: OK, but be careful!
SGlau: Yes, of course. But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. For her country and the benefit of man-kind of course. [She puts her hand in the air] God bless America!
[ They laugh. ]
Andrew: OK, Daniel and I will try to get you clearance, if you let us do all the talking. Now let’s go.
SGlau: Sure. Let me make a quick phone call first. [She takes her smartphone and rings. To the smartphone,] Hey Sarah: OK, they’re going to give me clearance… yes, I know. Well, bye.
Andrew: Sarah?
SGlau: Michelle Gellar.
Andrew and Daniel: Wow! She’s also behind this?
SGlau: Yes, she is.
Andrew: Heh, it only gets better and better. OK, let’s get back to business - please follow us.
[ Cut. ]
After Getting the Clearance
PrevNode Link[ Same room as before. Message on the screen: “Two hours later”.
SGlau, Andrew, and Daniel enter. ]
SGlau: Oh my God! I can’t believe it is finally over. That was so vexing.
Andrew: But it’s over - you’ve got clearance now.
SGlau: Yes, yes. Oh, thank you.
[ SGlau hugs Andrew, followed by Daniel. ]
Daniel: Heh, thanks, Ma’am.
SGlau: Anyway, this whole thing has made me hungry. What do you two say of us going out to grab a quick bite?
Andrew: To eat? Well, one of us must stay here.
SGlau: So Daniel - only you and I?
Daniel: Heh, like a date?
SGlau: Exactly! A date it is.
Daniel: [looks around] Summer Glau inviting me on a date? Wow!!
SGlau: OK, sorry to disappoint, but it will have to be at a fast food restaurant, because my time today is precious.
Daniel: Well, I’m going to pay - got a credit card - as my parents are pretty well-off, and I joined the Army before college for self-fulfilment.
SGlau: Sounds like a plan - I’ll drive.
Daniel: Awesome.
SGlau: But before that - phone call.
[ She takes out her smartphone, and calls. ]
SGlau: [To the phone] Hey Sarah! Good news: we got clearance. Yes… finally… well, you know what they say about commanding reality… sure… hah hah. OK, say “hi” and “bye” to Andrew and Daniel here [SGlau puts the phone on the speakers.]
SMG’s voice from the phone: Hi Andrew and Daniel, this is Sarah.
Andrew: Hi Ms. Gellar! I’m a big fan of yours.
Daniel: So am I, ma’am.
SMG’s voice from the phone: That’s great, guys. Well, carry on.
Daniel: Yeah, I’ve got a date with Ms. Glau here.
SGlau: Please, call me “Summer”.
SMG’s voice from the phone: Byeeeeeeeeeee! [she hangs]
SGlau: Heh, OK, and another thing. [She takes out a camera from her pockets.]
SGlau: This is a specialised camera with good resolution, a memory of over a 100 hours, and it broadcasts everything to a receiver which in turn distributes it to several publicly accessible mirror sites on the Internet around the world.
Andrew: Heh, wow! You chicks are really leet haxors.
SGlau: Or we know the really elite hackers, whom we can delegate this responsibility to.
[ SGlau turns on the camera. ]
SGlau: [To the camera] OK, hi people. First recording from the NSA. These two fine gentlemen here helped get me the clearance. Andrew, you can say “hi”:
Andrew: Hi mum! Hi dad! Hi Felicia - I love you and it was this place’s fault that you’ve been unhappy with me. Anyway, Ms. Glau here told us she can help with that, and we believe her, because she also totally kicked our ass here…
[ SGlau bursts out laughing ]
Andrew: … Not in the physical sense of course - just by convincing us how misled we were. Anyway, kudos to my brothers, sisters, and brothers and sisters from the hood, and from the Army. I love you all! You guys rock.
[ SGlau and Daniel clap their hands. ]
SGlau: Daniel, now it is your turn.
Daniel: Well, I’ll keep it short because Summer here asked me on a date. So: hi all, love you, and see you later. God bless America! [Does a salute, and Andrew and SGlau join him.]
SGlau: [Turns off the camera and takes it.] OK, Daniel, let’s go to my car.
Daniel: Bye Andrew.
Andrew: Bye, Daniel, you lucky bastard, have fun!
[ Cut. ]