[ A Terminator parody that takes place in Tel Aviv, Israel in Passover התשפ״א‎ (5781), 2021 AD (around the time that Olamot Con takes place). ] [This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2019 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution Noncommercial Share-Alike 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by-nc-sa) (or at your option - any later version).] [ Black screen. Initial Credits. Caption on the screen: "Emma Watson as herself". ] [ Emma Watson is sitting on the floor in Rabin Square holding her smartphone in one hand and with four children seated in front of her listening, and some bystanders listening or recording her with their phones. She is wearing a T-shirt with this caption and has an Olamot Con attendee name tag: ] [ ] Emma Watson: and so Simba and Nala ruled over the Pride Lands with the help of Rafiki, Timon and Pumbaa. And Discord and Pinkie Pie made sure life in the Pride Lands will have its share of non-mundane excitement. And Moses and Yehudah Hamakabi trained both the antelopes and the lions to run faster and faster. And Xena the Warrior Princess made sure Moses and Yehudah can coexist at the same time. +++: And they all lived happily ever after. The End. [ Applause. ] Emma Watson: Well, this isn't exactly how the original "Lion King" film went, but we're allowed to improvise, aren't we? +++: Hmmm… it is now [she looks at her watch] 10 a.m., so we've got time until lunch, and I'm rather hungry. The children: Yeah, we're hungry too. Emma Watson: OK, would you like some icecream? The children: Yeah… All right… Emma Watson: Let's go then. [The kids and Emma enter Vaniglia at Ibn Gabirol st. There are two vendors - Ronen, a male in his 20s to the right, and Efrat, an 18 years old female.] Ronen: Shalom… Emma: uvrakhah! [she winks] but my Hebrew, or at least those of some of our viewers' [she waves towards the camera] are quite rudimentary, so let's speak English. Ronen: oh sure, welcome to Vaniglia, I am Ronen, and this is Efrat. Emma: Pleasure to meet you. I'm Emma. +++: [to the children] OK, I know you kids can get indecisive, so please don't waste too much time on choosing flavours. They are extremely unlikely to be poisonous. A kid: sure! [They go to order. Emma heads towards Efrat.] Emma: Okay, can I leave a tip using my credit card? Efrat: sorry! It is not possible. Emma: in that case [she pulls out her wallet] take these four 100 Sheqel notes. And keep the change as a tip. Efrat: wow, this is a lot to pay, Emma… Emma: Watson! Emma Watson! I would have thought the shirt is a dead give away, but I guess one cannot expect people to read. Efrat: [looks at Emma 's shirt and name tag] Oh my god! You're the Emma Watson! This is so cool! I'm too young to have watched the Harry Potter films, but I loved you on Selina Mandrake. I even donated 20 dollars for the pledge to make it CC-by. My father donated even more. Emma: thanks, that was generous of you. Ronen: Emma, so what should I give you? Emma: Mango, chocolate, and lemon - in a cone - with the lemon scoop at the bottom. Ronen: no problem, but we have dark chocolate, orange… Emma: dark chocolate! Ronen: coming right up… [Cut to Efrat.] Efrat: OK, here is the change and the receipt. Emma: Thanks! [puts the change in the tips' glass jar.] Efrat: So, how do you like it here? Emma: To be honest, it does not feel much different from Greater London. It is warmer, and there is a wider selection of food, and there's Hebrew and stuff, but… feels right at home. Efrat: And what's the deal with these kids? Emma: Oh that… Well, their parents approached me in Olamot Con, while I was chatting with some other attendees. They told me they were looking for someone to babysit them until about 1 o'clock. I told them I'd do it (because I always try to prioritise helping others) and they felt they can trust me. +++: So I took these children on a walk and then told them our own variation of The Lion King and now I'm buying them icecream. They are sweet kids and they have only talked in English in my presence so I'd be able to understand what they say. Efrat: Sounds great! Emma: Now what about you? Efrat: Well, I'm in the twelfth grade now, and planning to be a software dev in the army… I mean the military. I'm good at maths and been programming since the third grade, and the IDF is desperate for software devs and it's something I do enjoy. Emma: Good luck, well, I'd better eat my icecream, here is my card - you can IM me when your shift's over and we can meet somewhere near the con. +++: … oh wait, I nearly forgot - would you two like to record a video with me? Ronen: Yes, please, here - you can use my phone. [One of the children takes the phone and records.] Ronen: Hi, I'm Ronen! Efrat: And I'm Efrat! Emma: And I'm Emma Watson. “Mighty Klingon vampire warriors who have watched Sesame Street… this decade royally sucks!!” [They all laugh. The child stops recording and returns the phone.] Emma: Thank you, and good bye. Ronen: You’re welcome! And thanks! [Cut.] [ Caption on the screen: "Arnold Schwarzenegger as himself". ] [ Two children emulating the Hamlet parody scene : a boy playing Schwarzenegger and a girl doing the special effects and the narration. ] Boy: Hey Claudius! Girl: [lighting a cigar and closing the lighter sounds] Boy: You killed my father… big mistake! [Does a throwing gesture with his hands.] Girl: [window smashing sound] +++: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. +++: … and — Hamlet is taking out the trash. Boy: Stay thy hand fair prince. +++: who says I'm fair? Girl: [machine gun firing sounds] +++: Noone is gonna tell this sweet prince “good night”. Boy: To be or not to be… Girl: [lighter sounds] Boy: … not to be! Girl: [explosion sounds] [ Applause from the audience, the girl and the boy bow. Arnold Schwarzenegger approaches wearing a shirt with a caption "Gotta be a badass to play one in the movies. Arnold @Schwarzenegger at your service!" ] Arnold: Bravo, bravo! You two have the makings of true action heroes. [Photos taken of Arnold together with the two children performers.] [ Hannah, the Emma-like Terminator, appears out of a portal in an old Tel Aviv apartment building with clothes on, carrying an AK-47. She is wearing a T-shirt with the caption: "Gonna terminate @EmmaWatson and @Schwarzenegger. I'm Hannah, BTW." She marches out. Cut. Hannah arrives at Olamot Con. Some attendees recognise her and she is busy tending to the crowd (talking, posing, etc.). ] [ Aharon appears out of a portal in a side corridor of the school in which Olamot Con takes place, carrying a shotgun. He is wearing a T-shirt with the caption: "@EmmaWatson and @Schwarzenegger shall not be terminated! I am Aharon the good Arnold-like terminator, BTW." He marches out. ] [ Emma brings the children to one of the mothers. ] Boy: hey mum! We had a smashing time with Emma today! +++: We're hungry now though. Mother: Ah, well, it is one O'clock. Do I have money? Emma: [she opens her pouch] 2,000 sheqels. Feel free to keep the change. Boy: Thanks, Em! I think we'll have Shawarma. [ They walk away. ] Mother: wow! So you're actually the chick who played Hermione… I'm a big fan. Here's my card with my website's URL. If you need anything. Emma: thank you - here's mine. Mother: thanks! I heard lots of positive comments about "Selina Mandrake". Seems like the kind of crossover film only madmen can make. Emma: I am batshit crazy… Mother: Same here, heh. Emma: anyway, I need to meet my friend ( "Arnie"! ) now. Business. Mother: Ah, I heard he's here as well. I'm a big fan of his too. Have fun! Emma: byeeeeeeeeee! [she waves] [ Emma approaches Arnold. ] Arnold: Ms. Watson, I presume! Emma: [she laughs] May the Schwarzenegger be with you! Arnold: Heh, some jokes never die. Emma: At least not until Chuck Norris gets to taking them out of their misery, heh. +++: Anyway, let's get to business. Do we wait for our terminators? Arnold: oh look [he points at Aharon the good terminator.] Aharon: Mr. Schwarzenegger, Ms. Watson, I am Aharon the terminator. Please follow me. Emma: Yes, sir. [ They walk. ] Aharon: For your information, Hannah, Emma's lookalike evil terminator was sent here to kill you both. Arnold: sounds like it will make a good plot device. "Ask not what your profits can do for you. Ask what you can do for your profits." - a Ferengi acquisition rule. Emma: So, Aharon, where is this evil Hannah terminator anyway? Aharon: over there - she is busy being an attention whore. [ They see Hannah through the window talking, interviewing, and posing for her photos with fans. ] Arnold: looks like it will take a while. Can we use the opportunity to escape? Aharon: there is no escape from destiny. But we can speed up the start of the battle by using a time wrapped game session. +++: Would that be acceptable? Arnold: I guess - might as well get it over with now. Emma: yes… Please make it so. Aharon: On it. [ Message on the screen: Hannah the Evil Emma Watson-Like Terminator. vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger Emma Watson Aharon the Good Arnold-like Terminator -------------- Challenge Accepted! ] Message on the screen: Level 1: Machine gun. [ Hannah storms towards the good guys' trio, who are hiding behind a bunker, while spray shooting. ] Aharon: This is too easy! Initiate electromagnet. [ An upper electromagnet attracts Hannah's AK-47 to the ceiling and she tries in vein to release it. ] Aharon: Initiate separation storm. [ Rainbow Dash sets up a cyclone which twirls Hannah out of the machine gun's reach. ] Aharon: eject AK-47! [ The AK-47 is thrown out of one of the hall's upper windows. ] Message on the screen: Level 1: Machine gun: Won! Hannah was defeated. Message on the screen: Level 2: Tank! [ Hannah is driving a tank with the newfangled anti- RPG receptors. ] Emma: oh my god! This is kinda thrilling in a way. Arnold: Can't we catapult many wooden logs to destroy these anti-RPG thingies? Aharon: good call, Mr. Schwarzenegger! Initiate anti-anti-anti-tank. [ A flood of wooden logs lands on or around the tank devastating the anti-RPG weapons and shaking the tank. ] Hannah: bloody fuck! [ Hannah falls from the Tank, only to be hit on the head with more logs, and faint. ] Emma: wow! Did we kill her? Aharon: not really… and she'll be angrier when she recovers. [Removes his sunglasses to reveal another pair.] [ Hannah, wakes up, looks around, becomes angry, and boards the tank. The tank stands still, but starts shooting from left to right, causing explosions on the wall behind the bunker which emit a lot of misty dust. ] Emma: OK! I'm scared…. Arnold: Aharon, how about we use an RPG now? Aharon: Good idea, Sir! Initiate anti-tank pony! [ Cut to some mist over the bunker. Fluttershy emerges from the mist, mounts an RPG-7, aims, and fires. Many clones of her surrounding the tank do the same. The RPG missiles travel forward in the air, hit and destroy Hannah's tank. ] Fluttershy: Hasta la vista, baby tank girl! [ Inspired by Terminator vs Jesus HD The Greatest Action Story Ever Told Mad T.V. 1996 ("Hasta la vista, baby Jesus!") , by Tank Girl, and by Emma Watson and Hannah being short and petite. ] Fluttershy: When you got to shoot - shoot! Then talk. [ Reference: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly ] [ ] Rainbow Dash: That was 101% awesome, Flutteroo! Arnold: yeah! Emma: smashing! [ They shake hands / hooves / tails. ] Caption on the screen: Level 2: Tank - WON!! +++: Hannah has lost. Caption on screen: Level 3: Hannah using Martial Arts! [ Hannah is shown doing show-off martial arts moves (Not unlike this Chun-Li cosplay.) possibly mock-ones. ] Hannah: Come and get me [she repeats it, while staying at the same place]. Emma: Heh, looks like this will take a while. Arnold: Say, Aharon, can we shoot her? Aharon: There is… a better way. Hannah: Come and get me! Emma: [angry] We are not going to come to you, Hannah, Please just give up already. Hannah: Must not give up. Must Terminate. Come and get me! Emma: How about you give up giving up! Hannah: Must not give up giving up. Must not give up. Must Terminate. Come and get me! Emma: Hmmm… how about you give up giving up giving up! Hannah: Must not give up giving up giving up. Must not give up giving up. Must not give up. Must Terminate. Come and get me! Emma: Say, Aharon, can you cause her to overflow like this using speech synthesis before I lose my voice? Aharon: Sure thing, Emma. [ Aharon writes a script: | perl -E 'while (1) { | my $text= "Give up" . (" giving up" x ($i++)) . "!"; | my $cmd=qq%echo '\''(SayText "$text")'\'' | festival%; | system($cmd); | print $text . "\n"; | }' After pressing "Enter", the message is being sounded. ] [ Cut to Hannah's monitoring display view. It displays increasingly longer lines at an increasing speed, followed by a stacktrace. ] Message: Initiating fallback image: Hannah the Good Terminator. [ Cut to the battle room. ] Hannah: I give up. Sorry I tried to kill you three. I hope you can forgive me. Arnold: No worries, Hannah. It's just a game in a film in a game anyway. Emma: Yes! Would you like to join us for tea now? I'll pay. Hannah: Sounds good! [ Message on the screen: Battle won! Hannah has lost. Game menu with two options "Play Again" and "Exit Game". "Exit Game" is selected. ] [ Cut to the Olamot Con's realer life view of the school yard. ] Hannah: [ uses her smartphone ] OK, sorry everyone, but I'm meeting a bunch of friends for tea. Jews won't miss an opportunity to eat, drink, or appear on T.V. [ The crowd laughs and disbands. Idan, a young man, remains. ] Idan: Say, can I join your meeting? Hannah: I guess… "the more the merrier". [ Emma, Arnold and Aharon approach Hannah and Idan, and start shaking hands and heading over to the café / restaurant. ] [Cut to Discord (MLP) telling a bedtime story for the Cutie Mark Crusaders (= Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo). ] Discord: And then Emma, Arnold and their friends had a great time in Olamot Con, and on the 7th day's evening (8th day according to Jewish law) they ate lots of homemade Pizza, and cookies to celebrate the lifting of the Passover kashruth. +++: And it was the beginning of a wonderful friendship, a new age of freedom from censorship and/or copyright cannibalism, and the earning of a shitload of money. Apple Bloom: Great story, uncle Discord. [yawns] Discord: Good night, sweet action hero princesses. [He turns off the light.] [ Caption on the screen: For this year in the established Tel Aviv. לשנה הזו בתל-אביב הבנויה. ] [ Parody of the Hamlet parody scene starring Cher Horowitz from "Clueless". ] Cher: [on her smartphone] Hey Uncle Claudius!... what? You nearly killed Father when playing Tennis? That's it: I'm gonna tell him that it's a big mistake that he doesn't quit being a litigator. It's been really stressing him out… and, like, you can no more win a court case than you can win an earthquake. Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Beverly Hills… and Cher the Jewish American Princess has a cleaners service in her phone's address book. Older-looking barber: stay thy hand, fair princess. Cher: "fair"? As if! I want to look drop-dead gorgeous like Esti Ginzburg. Please make it so. Narrator: Everybody tells this sweet princess good night. [ On a video chat using her desktop computer: ] Cher: sorry guys, I'm going to sleep now. Laters! Chat participants: night Cherie-Pie! [ Cut. ] Cher: [on the phone] Hey Tiff! Which room would you like at the inn? Two-bee or not-two-bee? Tiffany Alvord: [on the other end] Two-bee I guess. Cher: Awesome! I'll take not-Two-bee. [ A wise man once said that “It's the way of the world to praise dead saints and persecute living ones”. Well, I’ve decided to not give in, and praise a few living great men, who are likely messiahs or "hacker monarchs". I hereby praise the former Pope Benedict XVI, who resigned back in 2013 (see this mini-essay I wrote shortly after that for the reasons), the Japanese Emperor Emeritus Akihito, the head of the Linux kernel project Linus Torvalds, the former president of the Free Software Foundation, Richard M. Stallman (RMS), and Guido van Rossum, who is a software developer who created the Python programming language. They all became hacker kings due to either birth, or by choice, and they all "slew" themselves (metaphorically) and retired (similar to Solon's tactic); at least temporarily. I also dedicate it to Queen Elizabeth II, who is a good woman, a great woman, and likely may admit to being a hacker monarch by now. While "the media" may paint her as senile, I suspect she is not. However, she may opt to follow suit and become queen regnant Emerita (and still remain a wonderful and effective hacker monarch/messiah), due to old age. Note that I do not intend to demote the alternatives to the projects they headed, or claim that I fully approve of all their actions and opinions. I am a secular Jewish resident and citizen of Israel, and while I like and use Python, I use many other programming languages (whether Turing-complete or not). I also do not always agree with Stallman's opinions and I recently tried porting some of my FOSS projects to FreeBSD. But we can all learn from each other. Also note that I do not wish them (or anyone else) to physically die, soon or ever. I just want people to acknowledge their worth, and appreciate them, including when they are still alive. ] [ That put aside, the names of the two terminators, which were chosen as Hebrew names which were cognate with "Arnold" and "Emma", coincide with those of my late grandfather-on-my-father's side, Aharon Fish, whom I knew and loved up to my twenties, and his younger sister, Channah Fish, who lived up to 103 and passed away a few years ago (as of 2021). They were both Warsaw-born Jews and the only known surviving siblings from their family after WWII. I dedicate this screenplay to their memory as well. ]